with varying levels of closeness with different relatives, outside the scope of polyamory, i might gush about someone wonderful i met (platonic or romantic), share about some life epiphanies, confide and think out loud about some relationship dynamics ~ basically, behaving with relatives in ways that reflect various levels of friendship that go beyond just a need-to-know basis for sharing.

and maybe i’ve done that here too ~ my family knows about my other love; they’re aware that we go on camping trips and star parties together; and they know he’s a significant friend in my life, a friend to my husband, and is very involved in my kids’ lives. however, they don’t know i’m in-love with him and intend a life/future together.

in a need-to-know premise, the level of sharing i have done might be adequate. yet with history where i’ve selectively shared with relatives about things that are important to me, it seems like a very significant non-disclosure, and seems dis-acknowledging of his role in my life, my heart, my soul. even if my husband and i had opted to live together throughout our lives without having an actual legal marriage, i can’t imagine not sharing about who he is to me. part of me feels like i should do similarly as far as acknowledging my other love and his role in my life and heart.

it might be that i need to sort more internally to decide what premise i want to land in. and/or… since my other love isn’t angsty about this, perhaps i’m just creating an issue that doesn’t actually exist. more to ponder.

i’m liking the simplicity of the need-to-know approach though. thank you!

For example: “This person has been a co-parent for eleven years, so don’t be surprised they are in my will, and I expect if anything happens to me, you will treat them accordingly.”

or

“I’m game to go on a vacation with you guys, but be aware that the four of US are vacationing together and staying in our own place, so don’t be shocked by that.”

etc.

i think i’ve tried flavors of both option one and two with family, and i thought that they’d get it partially by osmosis thru seeing my love and his family of three adults as our close friends, living an interesting alternate possibility. instead, a relative conveyed concern for the kids and an opinion that there must be significant manipulation going on to be able to convince two men to settle for half a wife. *not* the favorable response i’d hoped for, and surprising to me since this relative is vocal about supporting other alternate families ~ single moms, gay couples, etc. and she was a 60′s flower child who was sexually and romantically experimental in her younger days, with at least one time where she was in love and sexually/romantically involved with two men at once.

i’ve alternated between feeling that i “should” share about my other relationship, and thinking that maybe it’s just no one’s business, and most of them live out of state, so why bother? yet non-disclosure seemed more ok when our relationship was new and seemed like it might not last anyway (rationalization?). but seven years in, it can feel like significant denial of someone so important to me; someone i plan to spend my life and future with, in addition to my husband. and yet… initial reactions seem to indicate that relatives would be concerned about my immorality, my kids and my (monogamous) husband (who willingly re-negotiated our marriage, but isn’t interested in having lengthy talks about relationships or polyamory; he prefers to stay under the radar and out of relationship talks unless it is him/me about our relationship. thus he isn’t a likely avenue to offer reassurance to relatives.)

maybe in having made my metaphorical bed, i have the responsibility to sleep in it, even if that involves relatives’ dis-approval. or maybe it’s just no one’s business. i’m so on the fence, unsure of what’s “right”. wondering what other people have decided and tried as far as coming out to relatives and friends…?

also not sure if this is the right place to ask this question. so much uncertainty in life! but i know who i love. smiles…

Keep in mind, it’s been a very long time since I’ve gone on an actual date.. and the whole thing with the wooing, and family is all just something where I have to trust my instincts. Anyone who I would date, would naturally be meeting my family.. I don’t see me dating someone anyone where I’d be afraid to introduce either side to the other..

Ah, well, for me, a “date” tends to come after they meet me (and usually some subset of my family) in a social setting.

“Most people would go running after meeting my family, why put them through that til’ you know if you want to see them again?”

Why would you want to see them if they would go running after meeting your family?

Well, the article is baout existing relationships and wooing someone new. So, that is definitely not the rest of the world — we’re talking about potential partners, or (gender)friends, or so forth.

If you consider yourself “in the closet” with an already existing partner, this essay probably doesn’t apply to you.

“Plus, if you can’t be confident that the person you’re with is with you, why bother?!”

I don’t understand this. They are with you by, um, being with you. if they didn’t want to be with you, they wouldn’t, right?

“Meaning, I think this article misses the point. Many people wondering how to break the news want to tell their existing partners, and you can’t “plan ahead” for that one. People grow and change, and that’s the hard part to work through.”

So, you’re talking about a person slowly coming to some realization that they don’t subscribe to a restrictive sexuality, but all this time they haven’t talked with their partner about it?

Yeah, that can be dicey. A lot of folks can feel a bit left out if they only get told near the conclusion, instead of allowed to see all the steps along the way.

That would be — however unfortunate — bad planning ahead.

But this sort of thing can happen, so don’t get discouraged. You have to just spill as soon as it’s time and acknowledge that you DIDN’T spill earlier. And it doesn’t have to be a capitulation, either. It can be as simple as “hey, when I started thinking about this, it didn’t seem like a big deal to bother you about, but now that I’ve chewed on it for a little while, I wanted to make sure you knew what was going on in my brain. Sorry about the delay — just me being a bit shy.”

Ain’t no reason to fear your partner — they certainly aren’t your enemy!

Man, I can’t imagine wooing someone UNTIL they’ve met my family!

But yeah, open and upfront is good.

Emily writes “I’ll send ‘em there, where “trophies” aka hints abound.”

Yeah, sometimes i find conversation threads on poly lists that I’ll occasionally link someone to with a “Wow, talk about ass-kicking!” or something similar.

Sometimes people don’t want to see hints that disagree with their plans. As long as you account for that, you’ll probably do fine.

Amber writes “my preference is for monogamous relationships.”

Now here’s a question for you: If you subscribe to a restricted sexuality model for partners, isn’t it also YOUR responsibility to inform them of this? Not solely, mind you, but it’s not a lot different than any other restriction.

“I have had bad experiences with someone waiting until I was “hooked” before revealing their lifestyle choice”

Meet the family before getting “hooked.” If you have a relationship priority that SHOULD come before getting “hooked,” then make it happen BEFORE getting “hooked.” Such as asking “So, who else are you seeing?”

Now, this is not to say there aren’t some people out there who are just plain deceptive, but they’re assholes and you can dump them without feeling bad about it.

In my case, the person immediately moves to the friend only column as my preference is for monogamous relationships. I can then nip any kind of desire for something more in the bud on my part and on their part. No one gets hurt and everone knows what is going on.

I have had bad experiences with someone waiting until I was “hooked” before reveiling their lifestyle choice – and it doesn’t work for me (and yes I have tried to be part of a poly relationship – it didn’t work for me for many reasons).

So be up front and honest – whats the worst thing that could happen? They say No…..or they don’t want to associate with you. Either way, you are better off knowing from the start.