The Polyamorous Misanthrope

I was recently asked if I’d consent to an interview, but the questions were pretty good and basic, so I’m posting them here:

1. What are common misconceptions you have found with polyamory?

Probably the most common is that partners are disposable or interchangeable on some level.  The culture that surrounds the monogamy paradigm also has a subtext of One True Love.  We see it in movies, books and what have you all the time.  In this context, if you’re going to have more than one partner, those partners aren’t quite as valuable.

The thing is, people are unique individuals.   Your individual relationship with any human being is unique just by virtue of that fact.

Besides which, polyamory or not, seeing a human being as disposable or a commodity is just nasty.

2. What do you gain from this lifestyle?¹

I’m not poly because I necessarily hope to gain anything.  I’m poly because the logic I’m usually given behind reasons for sexual exclusivity don’t scan for me.  I don’t have a religion, so the religious reasons don’t make sense, I don’t believe in One True Love, so that reason makes no sense.  As far as sex itself?  I believe that sex is moral or immoral by the same standards that any other act is.  For the life of me, I cannot separate that particular activity off as being somehow “different” than any other human activity.  In that context, sexual exclusivity makes no sense.

I feel no particular responsibility to run out and have bunches of relationships to hold up the side, mind.  Relationships take time and energy, and I like to have time to write, knit, swim and lift weights, too!

3. Whats the main differences between swinging and polyamory?

One activity gives a certain subset of the polyamory community an opportunity to feel smug and self-righteous!

Sorry, my snark-o-matic was left on last night.  Seriously, the usual answer given is something along the lines of, “Swinging is about sex and poly is about relationships.”  I don’t agree with that, entirely.  It is my opinion that this debate is usually engaged in by people who feel guilty about having more than one sexual relationship and need some context where it’s okay somehow.   It reminds me of the girls in my high school who would sneer at other girls having sex, but were okay with doing it themselves because they were “Really in love.”

4. Are there any other resources that you would recommend?

My blogroll and recommended reading  have most of what I’d say are good.   Believe it or not, the best books on relationships are usually about business relationships.

5. What do you want people to know most about polyamory?

Keep it about love.  I’m not very fluffy, and Ceiling Cat knows I’m a bit on the stern side, but if it ain’t about love, you’re probably doing it wrong.

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¹I’m answering this as an individual because there’s just no way in the world to answer it for the whole polyamory community. I can think of a dozen answers other people might give, and maybe can work that into a column. But I wanted to give my own here.

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Mama Java is off visiting, so Cinema Babe has generously consented to fill in with this column.

It All Begins With A Personal Ad

“Hi, we’re Dot and Jim, a friendly, stable, professional couple who would like to meet a vivacious, unattached bi woman. Dot is 36 and bi, Jim is 43 and straight and we want to develop the kind of loving, committed relationship that only three people can share. We’re not interested in a fling but in growing a deeply emotional, closed triad with the right single bi woman.  She should be attractive, open minded and flexible”

“Our pictures here are recent; we are attractive and have a youthful outlook on life. (Having two toddler will do that for you, lol!) While we’re not obsessive, we do exercise regularly and generally try to take care of ourselves. You should take care of yourself too. Our family and friends are very vanilla so discretion is important to us.”

“Please respond with recent pics. We’re really looking forward to meeting you! Please, absolutely no email from men or couples; we will not respond to them.”

Dot and Jim seem like sincere, nice people but there are some things that they should know and discuss before embarking on the adventure of adding a bi woman to their relationship.

The configuration of a het male/bi female couple looking for a bi woman is a very common scenario. Some poly folks refer to it as Unicorn Hunting because, some people joke, a bisexual woman who would be interested in dating a couple is a mythical creature (a unicorn.) In fact those women are out there but, for some couples, they can be difficult to find.

Food for Thought

The way Dot and Jim worded their ad gives the impression that they want an attractive, youthful woman who will fall in love with both of them at about the same time and remain in love with both of them equally. Readers might even infer from the wording that the woman they are looking for might have to forgo having romantic interests (including a mate separate from their triadic relationship) or a family of her own from their seeking a single woman and not being open to couples.

A lot of people are leery about these kinds of ads because they can become situations where an established couple meets a young woman and end up using her as an experiment in poly, a sexual toy to enhance their bedroom activities and/or unpaid domestic help with little or no consideration for her emotional needs. Some couples are looking for a woman to fit into an ideal as opposed to meeting someone and being open to the possibilities.  In some cases, if the woman doesn’t fit into that ideal, the couple will terminate both relationships.

(Sometimes it is the bi woman who comes into these situations with unrealistic expectations or less than sterling intentions. For the sake of our conversation today, I’m focusing on couples.)

Some Questions to Consider

There are some things Dot and Jim will want to consider when they sit down to craft their profile; some serious questions to consider.

Think about how long it takes for most of us, to find someone(s) who we feel mated to. At 36 and 43, it’s a safe bet that Dot and Jim had their share of broken hearts and connections that fizzled in a couple of months. Most of us have a fistful of starts that end in a dead end instead of in a long term partnership. It can be hard enough to meet one person and make a mutual love match, imagine finding someone who develops that kind of chemistry with both of you at the same time. It can and does happen but it is not necessarily an easy thing to find.

When you have a triad, remember, there are now four relationship involved: Dot and Jim, Dot and the GF, Jim and the GF and Dot, Jim and the GF. All four of require attention and care and all four will wax and wane in the feelings and level of commitment over time.

Before they add that special bi woman to their heart (and possibly home), a couple needs to ask themselves the following:

1. Do the two of you come as a package deal or are you willing to date and develop relationships independently of each other?  If you are attached to only dating as a couple, why?
2. What happens if you meet a woman both of you are interested in but a romantic attachment develops between her and only one of you?
3. Let’s say you find your elusive bi female and the three of you easily fall into the triad of your (collective) dreams. If your mutual girlfriend falls in love with someone else who *is not* interested in a relationship with one or both of you what will happen? What if that new person is open to exploring a relationship with one or both of you?
4. What happens if the person your unicorn falls in love with is another man? She is now part of a couple. Does that mean that your relationship(s) with her is over?
5. What happens if, after some time together, one of your relationship ends but the other relationship remains strong? Does that mean that both of you have to break up with her even though one of your relationships is in good shape?
6. Why no couples?  Would you be open to being involved with a woman who is already part of a couple? If no, why not?   Why no men? If the female of your couple is bi, even if she identifies as primarily lesbian, she fell in love with a man once, why can’t it happen again?

Identifying what you want and jumping in with both feet to get it can be an admirable thing. When hearts are at stake, it’s important to jump with care and understanding. I wish the Dot and Jims out there much luck and hope that some of what I discussed will be fodder for thought and discussion on your way to poly nirvana.

The Care and Feeding of Unicorns © 2009 Cinema Babe
Used by permission
All Rights Reserved

CinemaBabe is a 40something single poly woman who lives in a The Garden State and loves it. A full time professional and part time grad student, she’s looking for her own unicorn. Any 30somethingish geeky bi boys should feel free to check her out on OK Cupid. Just sayin’.

And yes, she’s forgotten more about movies that the average movie goer ever knew. And she has almost 300 items on her NetFlix list.

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