The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Hail, O Caffeinated one!

Dear Goddess – here’s my situation:

My husband and I have been together for four years, and married for two. He knew I was poly from the get-go, and while he has never yet expressed an interest in another woman, I’m obviously not opposed to the idea.

‘Tain’t as obvious as all that, I can tell you, as plenty of people only want it one way! Glad you’re reasonable about that.

We have been functionally monogamous since meeting, mostly because I have not sought outside partners. It’s not my style to “need” several lovers, but sometimes people enter your life and do quirky things to your insides.. You know? The Husband has always been verbally supportive of my freedom to see other people, with boundaries agreeable to both of us. I have had occasion to test this very recently, as I’ve fallen in love with his best friend.

My husband could not be more supportive or awesome about the entire situation. His genuine, open displays of compersion are something I have never before witnessed in a person who identifies as mono. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

So here’s my problem – I’m not sure The Best Friend is ok with this. And specifically, because I’m “the buddy’s wife.” The Best Friend is a bachelor, currently seeking a lover, and has some neglect/abandonment issues he’s working through – like a champ. I know he finds me physically and intellectually attractive because boys are transparent (or, well.. this one is). I am currently on a month long humanitarian mission to the middle of a war zone, and thought – f*ck it. Before I leave I’ll come clean and tell him how I feel. Hey, that’s kind of romantic, right? I could get blown up. And he’ll have some time to think.

The Best Friend’s response was very black-and-white – “I make it a rule never to get involved with my friends’ partners.” Ok… well… Husband says it’s ok? For real? No sale. I probably kind of freaked him out and broke his brain a little. I expected this.

Well, looks like your problem is solved. He said no. That’s it. You’re done. You struck out. Welcome to being human.

So, I’ve been in my Warzone for a couple weeks now. I’ve gotten no replies from my emails to Best Friend, even though he and The Husband are hanging out all the time (which makes me surprisingly jealous!). I still don’t know what to expect when I get home.

Well, you’re not gonna be involved with him, I’ll tell you that much!

I am hesitant to ask The Husband to advocate for me, or ask him to bring the matter up with The Best Friend. I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize their relationship they share, because they clearly love each other (in a totally heterosexual and manly way). At the same time, I’m not sure if I’m ready to be “just friends” with the Best Friend, if that’s what it’s going to come down to. And he’s at my house a lot. Avoiding him seems like a high school move, and I don’t want to just withdraw – too many people have done that to him already. However, spending time with the both of them, without the ability to be freely affectionate to them both (and my husband and I are very demonstrative) is not something that sounds like fun to me. It would be nice to get more 1:1 time with the Best Friend, it would be nice to go on actual dates… not sure if that is a possibility, and that makes me sad, half a world away.

Ummmm…

He said no.

No dates. No one on one time. He said no.  That means it’s done.  No begging.  No trying to convince him otherwise.  If he changes his mind, he has to approach you to tell you so.  If he doesn’t, that’s up to him.  It’s your job to shut up now, be a big girl and treat him graciously when he’s a guest in your home.  That’s it.  Yes, even if it’s clear he’s attracted.  If you care an iota about him, you are not going to try to get him to go against his stated boundaries.

Two weeks more in country, Goddess. Tell me something that will ease my mind.

Thanks, and peace be unto brew.

Being shot down flippin’ sucks.  I don’t like it, either.  But if you respect the other person, you accept it and leave it alone.   That said, you’re allowed to seek solitude if you don’t wanna hang out as just friends.  That’s not high-schoolish.  Being gracious is one thing, but you’re allowed not to torture yourself, too.  You can have some sort of, “Hi, ya’ll have fun with the video games.  I have a big project I’m finishing up, so I’ll be in the other room.  Nice to see you, dewd.”  Since the fellow is your husband’s friend, it’s not even impolite not to hang out with him if he’s come to visit your husband.

Do keep in mind there’s something like 6 billion people in the world.  You met one who said no…

Delicious

Dear Goddess: I have a couple of questions about navigating my poly relationship and I’d love your advice. First, a bit of background. My husband and I began a polyrelationship with one of my best friends about 6 months ago. Working out my jealousy has been truly difficult, but also rewarding since I continue to learn more about my own internal behaviors as a result. Much of my jealousy revolves around my role as the “practical wife” whereas my friend serves as the “fun wife.” Any ideas you have about this would be truly helpful, since I find myself stumbling over it a lot when I watch them carrying on laughing and having fun. I believe I hold myself apart from them to highlight my isolation and then I feel like if I say anything I will become the needy one. Ugh. None of this sounds great, I know. On the other hand, this is the first real relationship with a woman, and I feel like I have no one to crow about it to. My friends who do know aboutall of this seem to think I’ve set myself up for nothing but pain, so I cannot open up about how excited I feel or, good, or even badly since that would only serve to prove them right. Yikes! And help! Anything you say to me would be helpful.

In cultures where a man might have a wife and a mistress, there is the expectation that the wife fulfills the practical roles and the mistress is for fun.  Even in polyamory relationships, it’s not unheard of for one relationship to be about fun and the other about practicality.  I’ve not noticed it consistently working well, and do see resentments occasionally building from it.

Since polyamory is not (in theory) really supposed to be about the wife/mistress paradigm, it’s reasonable that you really don’t want to be the one whose role is mostly duty.  However, if you choose to hold yourself apart, you’re giving a signal that you’re not wanting attention or to participate in the fun activities, and you’re making that choice for yourself.  I know, it can be a pride thing.  You can reframe pride to a point where you’re too proud not to express your wants *grin*.  Honest, it can be done.  Asking to spend time with someone you love isn’t needy.    The patient Griselda act doesn’t work.  In fact, see The Brave Little Toaster for a complete genius of an analysis of this.  *grin* (Speaking of jealousy, I’m mildly jealous that one of the best columns here was not one of mine!  — only a little.  Rainy is a delightful writer)

Part of this is the “new and shiny” syndrome (known in polyamory circle sas NRE or New Relationship Energy).  If you have a habit of going from obsession to obsession, you get absorbed in whatever is new.  I expect that’s part of what is going on with your husband and girlfriend.  However, don’t you have some fun, new and shiny going on with your girlfriend, too?  You stated you’re excited about the relationship.

It’s okay to say, “Look, I don’t want my relationship with you to be solely in terms of practicality and bill-paying.  I love you and want to have fun with you, too.   Can we schedule something?”

It does seem like there is a lot of labelling going on.  “The Fun One”, “The Needy One”.   I won’t say roles are worthless, but don’t get too into that.  Treating people as individuals with individual wants and needs often works out pretty well in relationships in general.

While it would be unrealistic to expect a lot of support from your friends in this if they’re not poly, do yourself a favor.  If you’re getting consistent comments, sit back and analyse them.   They can sometimes have a point.  Sometimes they’re entirely from a monogamy perspective and not all that useful, but sometimes they can be big screeching reality checks.  Try to figure that out.

Delicious