Comments on: No Means No

By: blackdove

blackdove — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 21:42:39 +0000

Not only that. . .another bad case scenario, say he did give it a go, and fell in love with her. . .he’s obviously not ok with a poly situation, and it wouldn’t be long before he was wanting more, and it would end eventually anyway, with two people hurt instead of one!

Great advice all!

By: SRG

SRG — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:21:43 +0000

I’m with Edward on this one. If I’ve learned anything from my forays into relating to and with men as succinct and forthright as the BMF seems to be, it’s that the minimal words to get the truth told are probably the best words to use. The long, drawn-out discussions are harmful if the most honest and respectful sound is silence. If I were in this writer’s position, I’d take responsibility for my own feelings/actions on my own time, address the truth with the BMF in a calm and relaxed way so that awkwardness has no chance to grow and flourish, and then *let it go.* The nice thing about helping to foster a neutral (as opposed to emotionally charged), friendly environment is that a feeling of being at ease can be contagious. Our writer might even catch it from the BMF. :)

Best of luck, and a healthy dose of sympathy while you regroup!

By: Tim

Tim — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 20:25:39 +0000

I agree with Kate on this.
The woman should let it go. It seems that MBF is respecting the “Man Code”, and not sleeping with his friend’s girl.
The MBF is obviously not into it, and the woman should let it go, otherwise she could ruin Hubby’s friendship by creating awkwardness.

By: Edward Martin III

Edward Martin III — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:13:46 +0000

I think the minimal amount of closure that might be necessary is for the gal to come back, briefly take the fella aside, and say “Thanks for talking with me before I left. I appreciate your position and willingness to explain it. We cool?”

There’s really not much else TO say.

Chances are excellent the guy will say “Yeah, we’re cool” and it will never come up again. End of story, everyone comes out a winner. Five billion, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred, ninety-seven people left. Next!

By: Kate

Kate — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 21:26:41 +0000

I’m sorry, I have to disagree. She shouldn’t email. She should wait until she gets home, and have this conversation face to face. Then she should gracefully act like a grown-up and drop this like a hot potato. He said no, its over and done.No means no. Every woman learns this at an early age. No means no.

I have to wonder what people would say if this was a guy clinging this way to a woman? Would they still be saying “Oh he should email her and keep that line open.”. I don’t think so. Its creepy to do that, regardless of gender.

And personally, I would NEVER involve my SO in another relationship. Uh, no. My relationship, my problem. This was true when my SO’s wife & I were having difficulties, and its true now. From what I’ve seen, the fastest way to screw up a poly relationship is to drag non-involved partners into a tangled relationship. Its messy and just a plain ol’ bad idea.

One last thing: This one is tough, but don’t confuse hormones with love. Don’t get me wrong, hormones are really great. But they don’t stand up to dirty socks and toothpaste caps lost down the drain, and stinky farts. They can lead to love, and love can lead to them, but they aren’t interchangeable.

Just my $0.02. Hope you’re able to feel better.

By: Trix

Trix — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:24:20 +0000

Totally seconded with Christine’s advice. I really like the graceful wording of the suggested email, and the observation that it’s not “love” if it’s totally one-sided.

Really, it’s going to be better if the LW just gets it over with in terms of dealing with the other guy on a more neutral basis when she returns. So, yes, common courtesy while he visits, no getting hubby to try pimping (urk, that would skeeve me out totally, and I’m well-and-truly poly), and realising that while embarrassment might be embarrassing, it’s generally also temporary.

By: Christine

Christine — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:09:28 +0000

I would like to point out that her separation from family and friends and serving in an area of limited safety may well be intensifying the feelings of rejection and the strength of the desire to connect to humans in a loving safe way. I would strongly suggest her focus when she gets “home” be on dealing with the reprecussions of her service before she makes any decisions about with whom to be friends. Failure to address the emotional consequences of the service being rendered may have life long ill effects. Hopefully the organization arranging such service will have debriefing services which will be supportive.

Finally, under no circumstances should she have hubby advocate for a relationship with BMF. It would appear as pimping for her. Not a good thing.

For me, if any email is going to be sent to BMF, it should go something like. “I appreciate your honesty and candor about our relationship. I will respect your descision to not move our relationship into the sexual realm. I cherish our friendship and the friendship you have with my husband. I would very much like that friendship to grow and strengthen. I do find myself, a bit confused about my response to you and will need time to more appropriately align my thinking. I seek your forgiveness in advance for those times when I might appear distant or distracted.”

She has presented no grounds at this point for him to alter his behavior. She is the one who crossed a boundary of his by knocking on a door that he wants closed. She is going to have to be the one to redirect her thoughts and interests not him.

By: Amethest

Amethest — Tue, 26 May 2009 10:15:08 +0000

All I can say to this is, it’s a good lesson to learn early in your dealings with being poly – Just ’cause you’re poly, doesn’t mean you get to have a crack at everyone!

They still have to want ‘in’. Hubby’s BMF (Best Male Friend) doesn’t want in.

Deal with it like any unrequited crush and move on. More discussion on the subject is not necessary. If BMF ever changes his mind, he’ll obviously know where to find you.

I think what I find most telling in this post is where the writer states she is “in love with the BMF.” Being in love requires a mutual, reciprocal and equal relationship. What she’s got is a crush.

Unrequited crushes suck, but are part of life, and can happen to anyone at any age. Good luck and goddess bless!

By: Hel

Hel — Tue, 26 May 2009 01:59:26 +0000

I think it’d be reasonable to send the Best Friend an email along the lines of ‘If you find you’ve changed your mind about us being involved, I’d be open to exploring a continuation of our relationship. If you do want to stay just friends, I am concerned about how I’m going to feel spending time around you, and would like to ask that you…’ whatever short term concessions she needs to give her time and space to get over it.