Comments on: When It’s Working

By: Alexandra Lynch

Alexandra Lynch — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 00:07:17 +0000

Just when I was not looking for it, a nice little triangle relationship found us, and the last weekend was so utterly domestic and silly and peaceful that I can’t think really of very much to blog about it. But that’s the way it should be, really.

For the stats, I have a husband who shares a girlfriend with me, and I have a boyfriend who is the friend of both of them. Sort of a triangle with a V attached, and there’s some kink involved with roles, too.

By: Summer

Summer — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 03:31:57 +0000

This is so good to read. I’m in a V triad that has worked very well for three years that we have lived together. Hubby and I have been together for 19 years, our Third has been with us for three. We are blessed in that we are all good communicators. And play, oh yes, we do play. Both men love jokes and puns. One will come home from work with a new one, and the other has to respond, and it goes on and on. My part is to sit and groan. LOL. The men, although they are very different in some ways, are very alike in others and have a lot of affection for each other. Both realize that they fulfill different needs for me and so there isn’t much for there to be any conflict about. Like any relationship it is always changing and growing and evolving, but I think we have now reached a point where all of us feel secure. I always felt so blessed to have the perfect man for me as my husband – someone who understood from the beginning that I am bi- and poly- and always will be. To come to find another man who is also so very good for me, and who simply “fit” right in – well, I am doubly blessed. It’s good to know that others have found the same happiness, in whatever configuration works for them.

By: Tina

Tina — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:34:21 +0000

O Java Goddess, you are living the good life then!

I, too, am happy to report that I am very happy in my family. I am so content that I am not emotionally needy anymore.

I used to be the buffer in the original marriage but now I have found that we truly complement one another.

I am at peace.

By: Tim

Tim — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 20:32:21 +0000

Communication in my relationships is often broken. Wife #1 communicates fairly well, and we both get our points across. However, Wife #2 just shuts down, and doesn’t communicate well, at all. Drives me nuts because I can feel when something is amiss, but she clams up, and I won’t hear from her for days.

Ugh!!

Thanks for the post Java Goddess!! Always a good reminder.

By: Gray

Gray — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:17:16 +0000

I was taught and now teach that there are four parts to communications, what you say, what they hear, what they say, and what you hear. If any part of that breaks down, there isn’t communications.

You have to listen to what your partner is saying. You have to understand what they are saying, you have to acknowledge what they are saying. Only then will you be able to communicate what you need to communicate.

ex: I’m jealous. Ok, I hear that you are jealous, what are you jealous about? She gets to go on long drives with you. But you don’t like long drives!

You didn’t hear what was said, and then there is a blow up. Why was she jealous about the long drives? If she doesn’t like long drives, then there must be some other reason.

Listen, make sure you are hearing what she is saying, say it back again in her words, say it back again in your words.

And when she is listening, make it as easy for her to understand as possible. User her language (words and phrases). Make sure that you stop to verify that she heard what you intended to say. Don’t be afraid to say “Opps, I said that wrong, let me try again.”

Never blame other in a communications mishap. Just accept it as your mistake/failure, fix it and move on.

To long of a comment, but it was a great article that got me thinking

By: Gustaz

Gustaz — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:53:43 +0000

Heh, I kinda read the same thing re: sheets/crusty… seems like the “It’s” in the sentence following the sheets example is referring to the act of changing the sheets. Maybe remove “It’s” and replace with “Communication is”?

But, putting that aside (since it really doesn’t matter much at all), this was a very well-presented concept, and one I agree with wholly. Having BEEN in a relationship where I was always basically punished any time I spoke my mind, I have an enormous respect for communicating openly and often. Damage the paths of communication (or just refuse to communicate), and the relationship is screwed.

By: Pogodragon

Pogodragon — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 08:24:54 +0000

Yes! A thousand times yes. I’ve never managed to put this idea into words though I think I’ve struggled at articulating it for a while. I am going to point people to this from my ‘blog. Thank you for writing it.

Though, (it’s early and I’m pre-caffeine), I was a bit concerned that you suggested people needed telling to change the sheets because they would get crusty. I re-read that paragraph, it makes more sense the way you wrote it.