The Polyamorous Misanthrope

I don’t usually rant at monogamous people.  Polyamorous people in general provide more than enough rant fodder and idiocy to be going on with.  But a couple of incidents have bubbled across my brain in the last few months that I just don’t wanna keep quiet.

My monogamous bretheren… If you wind up on a date with someone and they say up front, “I’m polyamorous.” do yourself a favor:

Believe what you’ve been told

Believe it if the person has a boy or girlfriend, wife, husband, or SO. But believe it just as strongly if that person isn’t presently dating anyone else.  ‘Cause I’ll bet you ten dollars to a doughnut that person will want to be seeing other people than you sometime down the road.

Getting pregnant isn’t going to change this (no, really.  Babies don’t make partners act the way you wish they would.  Often the insanity of early infancy means quite the opposite).

Falling in love isn’t going to change it. No, not even if s/he falls in love with you.  Being madly in love won’t change whether or not you’re poly.  Poly people can be madly in love with more than one person.  It’s… well, kinda the point when you think about it.

Polyamory isn’t playing the field until you find the right person.     If you’re looking for a monogamous relationship only, do yourself a favor and walk away if someone says s/he’s poly.

That said, if you’re cool with dating a poly person (and the ramifications that they’re not only going to be seeing you) then go for it.  Poly/mono pairings can work, but they usually do when both parties are realistic.   I know people who are utterly realstic about this and they have fulfilling, happy relationships.

That straight?  Good.

Now, I’d like all my little poly chillun to gather ’round, ’cause Mama Java’s got something to say to all of you:

You be clear right away that you’re poly!

Don’t imply it’s negotiable¹ just because the mono person you’re dating is smoking hot. That obnoxious.  Even if you’ve been dating a monogamous person for a long time, and haven’t really been looking elsewhere, it’d be a good idea to just bring up the subject from time to time.  (Hey, George?  I know we’ve been dating three years.   Remember when we first started dating, I told you I was poly?  Still hasn’t changed, even though I’ve not met someone lately).  Don’t let things slide.  Unspoken assumptions in this area will bite you.

Oh… and just for the record, announcing you’re poly after you’ve been dating someone awhile with no discussion is really over the edge.  Don’t do that, either.   Communication is one thing.  Dropping bombs isn’t really communication.  It’s just mean.

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I recently made the assertion in my infinite wisdom and exquisitely refined good taste that in general, poly poetry is Vogon poetry.

So, here’s your chance to prove me wrong.  Write a poly poem that’s actually good and post it here. I’ll tell you whether I think it’s Vogon Poetry or not.   I really will, so if you’ll crumble at your glistening words being dismissed as worthy only of Vogonity, don’t risk it.

Who’s game?

In an attack of conscience, I have to toss out one of my own, I suppose. Feel free to pass judgement on the Vogonity:

Mistress

I know it’s politically incorrect
As a poly woman I should expect
To be an OSO
A Girlfriend
Maybe even a Lover.

But I want the titillation –
An unrealistic expectation
To be little Shock
A Naughtiness
Maybe even your mistress.

© 2004, Noël Lynne Figart

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