The Polyamorous Misanthrope

One of the sad facts of being an alternative lifestyler of any sort is in this political climate, you’re liable to be labeled a dangerous pervert.

For the most part, it’s not actually illegal to be a pervert or anything, as long as you never have interaction with kids.  Well, if you’re poly and a parent, good God yes, you’re going to be interacting with children!  Yours.

Should this worry you?

It depends on a lot of things.  Where do you live?  Is it a conservative area?   Do people have a live and let live policy, or are they all up in your bidness?  What about your relatives?  Are there control issues going on?  Are you accepting significant financial support from them?[1]

But more than that, I want to point out one more thing, which is the big subject of my rant.

Are you a good parent?

Seriously, dewd.  Don’t get on your damn high horse until you’ve evaluated your parenting.  If being poly is interfering with being a good parent[2], then you have a more serious problem than poly persecution.

So to evaluate:

The Basics

• Are the children fed properly?
• Do they have clothing appropriate to the weather?
• Are they being educated appropriately? (sent to school regularly/homeschooled so that they keep up with grade level)
• Are they getting medical attention as necessary?

Not Basic, But Important

• Do they get appropriate attention?  This is a biggie.  When there is adult processing, sometimes kids’ needs can fall through the cracks.  Be very careful and wary of this one.  I wish I could sugar-coat it, but I can’t.
• Are they getting personal growth opportunities?  Are they learning an instrument, learning fun skills, learning Life 101 skills?
• Are they getting an opportunity to be involved in the community they live in?  Don’t isolate your kids because their household might be different.  They live in the real world and need to learn to relate to it.[3]

I’m not saying you have to be Superparent to justify being polyamorous.  You don’t.  But, dammit, do your job as a parent anyway.  Yes, it takes time.  Yes, you’re gonna screw up.  That doesn’t let you off the hook from consistently trying.

For those of you who have direct reason to worry about custody issues, I cannot recommend the following article highly enough. Even more, the organization, the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund.  It’s run by fantastic and caring woman, Valerie White.

Dos and Don’ts to Avoid Custody Challenges.

---

[1] Financial support is not only money, but reduced rent, childcare and a number of other things.  I’ll reiterate something I say consistently:  DO NOT ACCEPT FINANCIAL SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE WHO DISAPPROVE OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.  That way lies trouble.

[2] And by God, it can.  Don’t try to wiggle out of being a good parent by claiming poly persecution or Mama Java will have to get all strict on your butt.

[3] And maybe even change it for the better!

Delicious

This column may come across as slightly sexist.  I’m sorry for that, but it’s a thread I’ve been pulling that I’m having a hard time getting out of my mind.  You probably could apply this to other dynamics, but I’ve not yet analyzed them to the point where I feel comfortable talking about them.  I bow in the dust.

FWB, Button and I got together this weekend.  *chuckles* I need to see them more often, as it seems that a visit from them is sure to inspire a poly column.  I suppose it’s the cross germination of ideas.  The Prince and I have been together[1] for twenty years and have been poly the whole time, so it’s not like polyamory is something we discuss or analyze as often as other subjects.

FWB is pretty successful at “getting the ladies”, if you want to look at it that way, and one of the men he knows was admiring this fact and wondering how he did it. No, it’s not about movie star good looks, nor is it all being about Mr. Cool.

FWB simply enjoys the company of women. This is significantly different from liking getting laid[2].  He enjoys the conversation, the hanging out, just enjoys interacting with women as people.

I know men, men that are as strictly heterosexual as FWB, that really don’t like hanging out with women all that much.  Pussy?  My God yes, they love that.  But to get it, it’s almost as if they’re diving into this strange and uncomfortable world that they tolerate to get a drug or something.  Myself, I think it’s a little tragic they’re not sexually attracted to men.  They’d be happier.

I’ve noticed this almost across the board.  The men I’ve known who are quite successful at multiple relationships with women are invariably interested in women in and out of bed.  They tended to find the woman’s mind as fascinating as her body.  None of the men I am thinking of would fit the “Sensitive New Age Guy” stereotype, either.  They’re all intelligent, dynamic, opinionated people.  Some are courtly, others aren’t.   Some are laid back, others have a bit of a temper.  Some have really “alpha” personalities, others don’t.  The one characteristic they seem to have in common is that simple enjoyment of female company.

---

[1] Through some crazy relationship ups and downs.
[2] Nor is it mutually exclusive, mind.

Delicious