Bailing on Dates

I met my secondary partner earlier this year and we took our time getting to know each other before we played, and agreed to start a play-partnership.

Then a few months ago she met a new primary, and I only found this out when she added a new relationship status up online.

As a result I haven’t seen her since August. She’s in the throes of NRE and has bailed (last minute) on every one of our 5 arranged dates since meeting him.

Well, one of my own rules for myself that a string of bailing means I stop initiating. (If I ever did initiate.  I tend to be bad about that and am trying to work on it so my partners get the message that they are valued.)

I’ve communicated that I want to see her, it’s been too long since our last meeting and that I miss her, which she reciprocates in words but not actions.

Okay, while I’m all into believing one’s partner, when one’s words and actions do not agree, believe the actions.  What are her actions saying?

Part of the annoyance is that she lies about her reasons for bailing, citing illness or lack of funds to see me yet managing to see him and go clubbing etc.

I feel like I am the only one doing the chasing, messaging her, arranging meets. I feel like I have communicated the desire to see her.

From what you’re saying, it looks like you are the one to take the initiative and that it’s not being reciprocated.  I’d say this is a good time to stop initiating and be done with it.

As far as the lying thing?  You could ask her to explain discrepancies between her words and actions if you want to.  I do say “ask” rather than “accuse” on purpose.  It is just possible you don’t have all the information.  Then again, she could be a lying flake, but if you value the relationship, I’d go with the assumption you don’t have all the info, first!

I don’t want to end the relationship, I really like her and I am happy for things to be very laid back and to only see her every few months if needs be. But I don’t want to be bailed on, and treated badly as I see it. I realise she loves her new partner, but I also think she needs to make time for our relationship too. Ultimately if she takes months to make some time for me I can only interpret that as a lack of feeling for me, and end the relationship.

I don’t know that I automatically would assign seeing someone irregularly to the “lack of feeling” category, but bailing several times in a row does indicate that maybe she’s just not that into you.  I mean, it sucks and it hurts, but it doesn’t look good to me.

You don’t have to make it all official and “end the relationship.” You can just stop initiating.  Now, if what you’re saying is that there are things that are deal-breakers for you, you do need to express that.   Bailing five times in a row in general would be for me —barring professions or activities that duty requires one to be “on call” frequently.  You know, like being an on-call medical/rescue professional, on-call tech support, or new parent.

Words of wisdom and advice on how to deal with this would be great. I do worry that because things are new with us and we haven’t done much poly negotiating, she won’t be prepared to discuss boundaries and stuff. She added this primary without even telling me until after the fact, which I also felt was a bit bad of her. Im at a loss really – I do like her but I feel hurt by her. I don’t have a deep emotional attachment to her at this point (luckily perhaps) but the way she is behaving is making me unhappy.

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