This week’s column is a guest column by Jessica Burde.
Ladies, gentlemen and assorted gender identities, today I would like to address one very important point of natural law. Where there is PIV sex, there will be pregnancies. Period, dot, underline, hell I should probably just go and put it in all caps. But I don’t like shouting.
A year and a half ago, I started the blog that became Polyamory on Purpose. Almost immediately, I began a series of posts on polyamory and pregnancy that ran about 6 months. Nearly a year after that series ended, a name change and a new URL later, search terms related to “secondary got her pregnant” or “Got his secondary pregnant” are still in the top 10 ways people find my site. Strangely I have never had a single hit for ‘primary got me pregnant’. I may be wrong, but I think it’s related to Jurassic Park.
Anyone else here old enough to remember Jurassic Park? I could never sit through that movie, tried five times and ran out screaming every time. But I always got to that scene with the egg shells. You know the one – when they’re standing around the broken shells that shouldn’t exist because the dinosaurs can’t have babies? “Life finds a way.”
But for some reason people insist on treating secondary partners like dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. The idea of a secondary becoming pregnant or engendering a pregnancy immediately leads to reactions that end up with me getting search terms like “polyamory secondary ‘got her pregnant’ ” Please note the quotes around ‘got her pregnant’. Those are not ‘this is what she said’ quotes. Those are ‘she expects me to believe this?’ quotes.
Yes, I am pretty sure she does. And yes, I am pretty sure he did. Because you know what? When you repeatedly insert penis into vagina at such a rate and frequency as to result in ejacula entering said vagina, there is a chance that pregnancy will occur.
I do not care what kind of birth control is being used – if your primary came to you and said ‘shit honey, birth control failed and you got me pregnant’ or ‘shit honey the condom broke, you might have gotten pregnant’, how would you react? Probably something like, ‘Okay, how do we deal with this?’ Am I right?
But somehow, when a secondary gets pregnant (or engenders a pregnancy) people become incredulous, disbelieving, betrayed, and all kinds of “OMG how could you!” start flying around.
Folks, I know a woman who had her tubes tied, cut, and cauterized, and had that followed up with a uterine oblation, and still ended up pregnant (she was so shocked she asked me to look over her shoulder while she took the test a second time). So please do not tell me that if your partner had been using condoms or taking the Pill properly they couldn’t have gotten pregnant. Birth control is not infallible.
It is a very simple equation. P + V = risk of pregnancy. If you cannot handle this, please stop having PIV sex and ask your partner if they would be willing to stop having PIV sex.
Secondary partners are not dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. They are not sex dolls. And that is what you are treating them like when you react this way. When you act like by the nature of being a secondary partner they should be immune to the biological function of reproduction. It doesn’t work that way. If there is PIV sex, there can be pregnancy. Life finds a way. Please find a way to accept this, before you destroy your relationship with knee-jerk ‘How could you?’ stupidity.
Jurassic Park Secondary, © 2012, Jessica Burde
Used by Permission
Jessica Burde has been exploring polyamory in various forms for 10 years. A year and a half ago she started the blog that became Polyamory on Purpose, to examine the intersection of real life and polyamory. Her first book, the Polyamory on Purpose Guide to Pregnancy, will be released in Spring 2013.