The Polyamorous Misanthrope

A Faithful Reader Asks:

My husband and I have been discussing polyamory over the past couple months. I feel comfortable with the idea, and I know we communicate very well with each other. I am actually concerned about how my reactions could possibly hurt his relationships. I know I have had jealousy issues in the past, which I think come from fears of abandonment or neglect. I believe I am past that point, and I trust the relationship with my husband, but nothing has happened that I think would have provoked that ‘jealous’ reaction. I don’t want my husband to find someone he can have a good relationship with, and end up having to break it off and potentially hurt another person’s feelings because I become upset or jealous. Is this a normal concern for people in polyamorous relationships?

Yes, it’s quite a normal concern. How the two of you handle your relationships between you is definitely a matter you need to settle between yourselves.  I cannot discourage enough, however, from mapping “I feel jealous” to “you have to break it off with the other partner”.

Yes, you need to be able to say if you’re lonely, and trust that you’ll be able to be listened to.  I’m not saying to suck it up or suffer in silence.  I’m saying bring things up to your partner.  The theory is that you guys love each other, right?  A very good thing to do in a poly relationship is for everyone on all sides to do their best to concentrate on that part.  It really helps nudge everyone into treating each other well.

In my own relationships “I feel jealous” (and yes, of course it has happened) does not map to “you must break it off”. It leads to discussion. Sometimes it’s that I am feeling insecure. Sometimes it really is because a partner is ignoring our own relationship for the new and shiny.   Sometimes it can be an indication of another relationship issue that’s serious.  It can be from many roots, some of them internal, and some not.   It would be a bad idea to assume either way.

But make no mistake. Polyamory is most certainly a risk. (Not that monogamy isn’t, it’s just that the risk is more obvious in a poly relationship). I encourage you to look into yourself and think about where you feel good and secure, where you don’t and where you feel your strengths and joys lie.

Good luck!

Delicious

I am married (7 years), with boyfriend (year and a half), who also has another girlfriend (a few months). They are having trouble getting along; it seems to be a matter of different needs for affection, coupled with poor communication. I have heard only his side, I see how they interact and there is definitely something wrong. He is desperately unhappy, but can’t see a way to resolve things. He’s asked me to “talk to her”, to see if I can understand her point of view better than he can and maybe clue him in.

Here’s my question. I’m not unwilling to do this, but I don’t want to overstep my bounds.. She and I get along well, and are friends. At what point can one girlfriend say to her sister-girlfriend “it seems you guys are having problems. I know he’s really upset and you don’t seem happy either. Do you want to talk about it?” Is that ever appropriate? It seems to me that polyamory is partly about building supportive community, but I also don’t want to complicate things. I like this woman, my boyfriend loves her, and it would be a shame if they split up.

Okay, I’m gonna admit my first reaction involved beating your boyfriend with a whacky-noodle and forcing him to write on sidewalk in red chalk, “I am responsible for my own relationships” for twelve blocks or until he’s Very Sorry and Promises to Behave Himself Forever.  Goodness me, asking a girlfriend to be a go-between with another girlfriend?  GACK!  HORRORS!

But you’re not asking about your boyfriend.  You’re asking about you.  That’s cool, since you’re in charge of what you do and all.  You say your boyfriend’s girlfriend is your friend.  So, you’ve an established relationship.   You’re allowed to care, certainly.  You’re certainly allowed to ask her if there is anything wrong.  If you whittle it down to, “It seems you guys are having some problems, do you want to talk about it?” it’s not overstepping usual bounds.  Especially if you’re perfectly willing to shut the devil up and accept “no” for an answer should it come up.

Even so, this is dangerous ground.

You’re not nor should you be a go-between in relationships.  Please learn from my idiotic mistakes.  If you think there’s a miscommunication between partners, you can’t fix it.  The only people that have a hope in the world of salvaging things are the people directly involved.  Which means, not you.

There’s nothing in the world wrong with being supportive of friends.  You can be supportive of each of them if your support is what they want.  But for the love of Petulia, don’t become a relationship counselor to someone with whom you have a relationship.

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I’d like to see a column on “secondary” relationships and/or on the concept of how setting boundaries in a multi-adult relationship works in a relationship that actually works.

The quotes there on secondary are because I know the whole concept of hierarchical relationships is a hot topic, but in this case I specifically mean something like two people, who are each married to others, who have a relationship, and they both fully acknowledge that their marriages (and the related children, bills, etc) must be their first loyalty.

I ran into a situation a couple years back where boundaries were negotiated, and the wife of the person I was dating thought that the appropriate way to address things that weren’t working for her was to tell him as he walked out the door for a date that there were new rules. Rules frequently got more lax when she had a new person to date, and were more stringent again when those relationships ended.

Eventually my relationship with her husband ended because the wife came to the conclusion that poly wasn’t for her – which was all well and good, really, since it became obvious to us all that things weren’t going to work for her no matter what happened or what was agreed to.

Lesson number one for me from the whole situation is to ask, “when you say you have a veto rule, what do you mean by that? How often has it been used? What were the circumstances surrounding its use?”

So, what do you think? Is it controlling to expect people to follow rules they’ve agreed to or negotiate new ones? Appropriate to change the rules without discussing first? Do “secondary” partners give up any and all rights to have input on the boundaries in their relationships? Inquiring minds want to know :)

No, secondary partners most certainly do not give up rights.  My word!  So as not to reinvent the wheel, please allow me to point to what I consider one of the best pieces on secondary rights in polyamory writing: Successful Secondaries.  The proposed Secondary’s Bill of Rights is well thought-out and sensitive to both sides of the equation.

What you describe is probably a textbook example of why I not only would be reluctant to date someone new to poly, but date a member of a couple where vetoes exist.  I know that my opinion isn’t all that popular in the poly community, but I am not a fan of vetoes at all!  However, if you’re willing to be involved in relationships where they exist (and many polys are, you’re hardly alone in that), yes, getting a solid definition of exactly what that entails is a great idea.  The more information you have, the better!

Expecting people to follow through on agreed-upon rules is hardly controlling.  However, I wanna get to boundaries for a minute.  People mis-use that word a whole bunch.  I’m not saying you are, but I want to be incredibly clear about what they really mean.  “You must…” isn’t a boundary.  It’s an order. “I will…” or “I will not…” is a boundary.  It’s all about understanding whose behavior you control.  (You know it’s just yours, right?)  The difference is subtle, but once you’ve wrapped your mind around it, interpersonal relationship drama of all sorts (not just the romantic ones) is cut to about a tenth of what it was.

So, with that in mind, “You can’t change the rules at the last minute” isn’t a boundary.

“I choose not to remain in relationships with arbitrary rule changes,” is a boundary.  In fact, it’s a good one!

Human beings are allowed boundaries, so of course you’re allowed them in a secondary relationship as much as in a primary one.  It’s merely a matter of understanding what you want, what you will do, what you’re happy to have in a relationship and what you choose to walk away from.  I’m not trying to put relationships out there as disposable.  They’re not.  But no relationship is worth being badly-treated to have.  If being treated as an object is a condition of the relationship, you don’t need it.

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Hail, O Caffeinated one!

Dear Goddess – here’s my situation:

My husband and I have been together for four years, and married for two. He knew I was poly from the get-go, and while he has never yet expressed an interest in another woman, I’m obviously not opposed to the idea.

‘Tain’t as obvious as all that, I can tell you, as plenty of people only want it one way! Glad you’re reasonable about that.

We have been functionally monogamous since meeting, mostly because I have not sought outside partners. It’s not my style to “need” several lovers, but sometimes people enter your life and do quirky things to your insides.. You know? The Husband has always been verbally supportive of my freedom to see other people, with boundaries agreeable to both of us. I have had occasion to test this very recently, as I’ve fallen in love with his best friend.

My husband could not be more supportive or awesome about the entire situation. His genuine, open displays of compersion are something I have never before witnessed in a person who identifies as mono. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

So here’s my problem – I’m not sure The Best Friend is ok with this. And specifically, because I’m “the buddy’s wife.” The Best Friend is a bachelor, currently seeking a lover, and has some neglect/abandonment issues he’s working through – like a champ. I know he finds me physically and intellectually attractive because boys are transparent (or, well.. this one is). I am currently on a month long humanitarian mission to the middle of a war zone, and thought – f*ck it. Before I leave I’ll come clean and tell him how I feel. Hey, that’s kind of romantic, right? I could get blown up. And he’ll have some time to think.

The Best Friend’s response was very black-and-white – “I make it a rule never to get involved with my friends’ partners.” Ok… well… Husband says it’s ok? For real? No sale. I probably kind of freaked him out and broke his brain a little. I expected this.

Well, looks like your problem is solved. He said no. That’s it. You’re done. You struck out. Welcome to being human.

So, I’ve been in my Warzone for a couple weeks now. I’ve gotten no replies from my emails to Best Friend, even though he and The Husband are hanging out all the time (which makes me surprisingly jealous!). I still don’t know what to expect when I get home.

Well, you’re not gonna be involved with him, I’ll tell you that much!

I am hesitant to ask The Husband to advocate for me, or ask him to bring the matter up with The Best Friend. I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize their relationship they share, because they clearly love each other (in a totally heterosexual and manly way). At the same time, I’m not sure if I’m ready to be “just friends” with the Best Friend, if that’s what it’s going to come down to. And he’s at my house a lot. Avoiding him seems like a high school move, and I don’t want to just withdraw – too many people have done that to him already. However, spending time with the both of them, without the ability to be freely affectionate to them both (and my husband and I are very demonstrative) is not something that sounds like fun to me. It would be nice to get more 1:1 time with the Best Friend, it would be nice to go on actual dates… not sure if that is a possibility, and that makes me sad, half a world away.

Ummmm…

He said no.

No dates. No one on one time. He said no.  That means it’s done.  No begging.  No trying to convince him otherwise.  If he changes his mind, he has to approach you to tell you so.  If he doesn’t, that’s up to him.  It’s your job to shut up now, be a big girl and treat him graciously when he’s a guest in your home.  That’s it.  Yes, even if it’s clear he’s attracted.  If you care an iota about him, you are not going to try to get him to go against his stated boundaries.

Two weeks more in country, Goddess. Tell me something that will ease my mind.

Thanks, and peace be unto brew.

Being shot down flippin’ sucks.  I don’t like it, either.  But if you respect the other person, you accept it and leave it alone.   That said, you’re allowed to seek solitude if you don’t wanna hang out as just friends.  That’s not high-schoolish.  Being gracious is one thing, but you’re allowed not to torture yourself, too.  You can have some sort of, “Hi, ya’ll have fun with the video games.  I have a big project I’m finishing up, so I’ll be in the other room.  Nice to see you, dewd.”  Since the fellow is your husband’s friend, it’s not even impolite not to hang out with him if he’s come to visit your husband.

Do keep in mind there’s something like 6 billion people in the world.  You met one who said no…

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Dear Goddess: I have a couple of questions about navigating my poly relationship and I’d love your advice. First, a bit of background. My husband and I began a polyrelationship with one of my best friends about 6 months ago. Working out my jealousy has been truly difficult, but also rewarding since I continue to learn more about my own internal behaviors as a result. Much of my jealousy revolves around my role as the “practical wife” whereas my friend serves as the “fun wife.” Any ideas you have about this would be truly helpful, since I find myself stumbling over it a lot when I watch them carrying on laughing and having fun. I believe I hold myself apart from them to highlight my isolation and then I feel like if I say anything I will become the needy one. Ugh. None of this sounds great, I know. On the other hand, this is the first real relationship with a woman, and I feel like I have no one to crow about it to. My friends who do know aboutall of this seem to think I’ve set myself up for nothing but pain, so I cannot open up about how excited I feel or, good, or even badly since that would only serve to prove them right. Yikes! And help! Anything you say to me would be helpful.

In cultures where a man might have a wife and a mistress, there is the expectation that the wife fulfills the practical roles and the mistress is for fun.  Even in polyamory relationships, it’s not unheard of for one relationship to be about fun and the other about practicality.  I’ve not noticed it consistently working well, and do see resentments occasionally building from it.

Since polyamory is not (in theory) really supposed to be about the wife/mistress paradigm, it’s reasonable that you really don’t want to be the one whose role is mostly duty.  However, if you choose to hold yourself apart, you’re giving a signal that you’re not wanting attention or to participate in the fun activities, and you’re making that choice for yourself.  I know, it can be a pride thing.  You can reframe pride to a point where you’re too proud not to express your wants *grin*.  Honest, it can be done.  Asking to spend time with someone you love isn’t needy.    The patient Griselda act doesn’t work.  In fact, see The Brave Little Toaster for a complete genius of an analysis of this.  *grin* (Speaking of jealousy, I’m mildly jealous that one of the best columns here was not one of mine!  — only a little.  Rainy is a delightful writer)

Part of this is the “new and shiny” syndrome (known in polyamory circle sas NRE or New Relationship Energy).  If you have a habit of going from obsession to obsession, you get absorbed in whatever is new.  I expect that’s part of what is going on with your husband and girlfriend.  However, don’t you have some fun, new and shiny going on with your girlfriend, too?  You stated you’re excited about the relationship.

It’s okay to say, “Look, I don’t want my relationship with you to be solely in terms of practicality and bill-paying.  I love you and want to have fun with you, too.   Can we schedule something?”

It does seem like there is a lot of labelling going on.  “The Fun One”, “The Needy One”.   I won’t say roles are worthless, but don’t get too into that.  Treating people as individuals with individual wants and needs often works out pretty well in relationships in general.

While it would be unrealistic to expect a lot of support from your friends in this if they’re not poly, do yourself a favor.  If you’re getting consistent comments, sit back and analyse them.   They can sometimes have a point.  Sometimes they’re entirely from a monogamy perspective and not all that useful, but sometimes they can be big screeching reality checks.  Try to figure that out.

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I have a question for you and I’ll give you a bit of a background on my history with poly in order to help you understand my quandry.

After about 8 or 9 years of marriage my wife met a poly couple, realized she was poly and fell in love with the husband. I have since come to accept this and feel like it is a positive thing except in the sense that it brings me back to feelings I left behind when I got married, such as anxieties about approaching women.

I often find myself attracted to other women but my status as a happily married man is quite public. My being polyamorous is not quite so much. I’m constantly left unsure how to approach talking to someone I’m attracted to. For example, there is a woman I am attracted to currently at work (and I know that makes it more complicated, she and I do not work directly together however and that is not the focus of this question, but feel free to address it also); I am both infatuated and feeling limerence for her, but I also fear what could happen if I addressed this with her. We have both talked about going out to lunch (with bagged lunches) together, but it hasn’t happened yet… Part of this fear is that I don’t want to upset her, I have a strong desire for her to be happy and to do any and everything I can to help foster that for her… however, I’d like to find out if there are any reciprocal feelings.

I am just totally unsure how to address these feelings without looking like I’m an adulterer seeking to have an affair. My wife knows about this woman and has expressed feelings of compersion for me regarding her.  She also sympathizes with my concerns and worries. However, she has never had to seek out such things.  The local poly community is not child-friendly, and hosts gatherings in venues I don’t find comfortable.  Since we have children, this is an issue.

Can you help with this?

Kind Regards,

Sean

Well, Sean, that’s a real issue, it is.  In our culture, it is certain more common for women to be approached and men to be doing the approaching.  If you feel shy, or find it difficult to talk to women, yes, you’re going to be having problems.

I don’t know how liberal your company is, but unless you’re dealing with one that is liberal to the point of being a Northeastern college, I can’t help but caution you as a poly man not to date someone at the same company.  I know this sucks, but if you can envision one way of it going wrong for you, there are probably six or seven more.

You did mention your town, and you’re right that there is an active local poly community and an email list for organization and communication.  The problem is that its “culture” may not suit your needs. You do live in an urban enough area that I’d encourage you to try another way of approaching it.  Since the local poly culture doesn’t seem to have many child-friendly gatherings, there is a perfect solution you can give your local poly community.  Start hosting them.   Even child-free twenty-somethings often enjoy barbecues in the back yard!

No-one likes to bear all the burden of hosting gatherings or being the only one responsible for social interaction, so if you’re offering to go a little ways in being a participant, it can be welcome.   You can approach it gracefully, “Hey, the strong smell of coffee is a migraine trigger for me, so I can’t come to the coffee house gatherings.  But I really would like to hang out and get to know you guys.  How would it be if I hosted a poly potluck?”

Successful poly is often about making sure that everyone’s needs are met, and this is a non-romantic example of skills you’ll be using in your poly life anyway.

Yeah, I suppose if you’re having trouble approaching people that this will seem to be intimidating.  But look at it another way:  this sort of thing will just be great practice for learning how to meet people.  Women are not some kind of separate species that needs somehow to be treated differently than the rest of humanity.  Learning how to be relaxed approaching, meeting and talking to humans will be a great help to your problem.

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Dear Goddess of Java,

My husband and I have a wonderful marriage of nine years. I am bi-sexual and he is very supportive of this. We have always talked about our desire to have a long-term polyamorous relationship, but until recently we couldn’t seem to find the right woman. Now we believe that we have. This woman is intelligent, fun to be with, and incredibly beautiful. She has been hurt in past relationships and she has children whom she adores but don’t live with her at the moment (a situation which she is trying to change). We have children also and my husband and I think we could be very good for her. The only problem is that she’s not sure she wants a relationship with a couple. She has admitted that she finds us attractive and that she enjoys spending time with us, but she is currently involved with a single man and she thinks it may be getting serious. We really, really like this woman (I’d go as far as to admit that we’re both madly in love with her). More than anything we want her to be happy and if being with this other guy is ultimately the best thing for her and makes her happy then we will support her in that decision, but honestly we believe that as a couple we can make her happier. How do we convince her to give us a chance? I am not a very outgoing or aggressive type person so I am having trouble figuring out how to seduce this woman and draw her into our relationship without scaring her away.

Do you have any advice? Please.

Sincerely,

Shy and In Love

You know, I think you know the answer to this one.

Yes, indeed, ask for what you want. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. In fact, it’s probably better if it’s not. All you have to say is, “Look, we’re nuts about you. Would you please consider giving us a chance?”

Then she gets to decide.

You’ve stated that you want her to make her own choices and that’s very good. Seducing and all that isn’t really going to be what has the best outcome here. If a simple straightforward request would scare her away, then this woman isn’t for you anyway. Polyamory, and indeed most relationships, work best when you can interact clearly and directly. If you have to use anything but your own natural behavior to “convince” her to be with you, I can pretty much promise a train wreck eventually.

If you’re saying by not being very outgoing or aggressive that you have trouble clearly asking for what you want, may I make a small suggestion?

Work on that.

Relationships without clear communication and with people who don’t get that asking for what you want is the way to go can become difficult and painful for all involved. As I’ve said before, asking is not demanding. Asking means that sometimes you get “yes” and sometimes you get “no”.

In the case of this woman that you’re head over heels for, asking is definitely the way to go. If she says “yes”, you’ve laid some much better groundwork for a healthy relationship because you stepped up to the plate, asked clearly and calmly for what you’d like and established a precedent for clear and direct communication. If she says no, you still win, because you’ve had the courage to ask for what you want, and have the extra shiny karma of being respectful of people’s boundaries.

Good Luck!

Goddess of Java

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I am coming out of 8 years of self imposed singleness, introspection and evolution. yeah yeah, had the heart broken like us all, but I am alive and happy now and ready to love again. I met an exceptional woman in May, she is poly, very open and honest, we like each other and I am looking forward to becoming her friendintimate. Not only am i new to poly, but new to dating. the last time I dated, the use of email was minimal and texting non existant, now it is de riguer.

Do you feel modern rapid communication technology has changed parameters of communication, or just the expectations of it?

Now while I am NOT sitting here freaking out, I am trying to figure out if waiting 9 days for a response to an email I sent to find out when we can see each other again is a passive agressive version of “I’m just not that into you” ( the old me ) versus “She is a very very very busy workaholic extrovert with a partner, girlfriend, career and has just met you, no biggie” ( the new me). Not trying to have you determine her motives, but since the first thing she told me was her desire to communicate in a timely manner, I am stumped as to whther my definition of timely manner is skewed due to access to email and texting……..

That’s a very interesting question.

Confession: I owe an email to someone I’m friends with.  In checking the date, it’s been nearly nine days with me, too! I like the person a great deal (he’ll be getting an email before you see this, by the way), and in my case it really has been that I forgot to make a note to myself to answer the email in the throes of a psycho busy time.  I really am so busy I have to flag emails and set a date and time to respond to them or they don’t get answered.  This is especially true when it deals with the scheduling of time, as I really do have to lay out a schedule to get to stuff and arrange for times to do things¹.

That said, yes, sometimes not answering can be a little passive aggressive.  Sometimes, it’s just someone being flaky.  I guess the real question is how much flakiness are you willing to put up with before you’re not into that person, ya know?

I will suggest one way to find out how this chick feels.

Ask her.  Asking a question is a very good way to find out about things, as we all learned on Sesame Street.   If you’re wondering about something, sure, it can feel real vulnerable to ask a direct question about it.  I get that, and I sympathize.  I’ve neglected to ask direct questions of people when I’m wondering about things from that same vulnerability.  The price I pay is not knowing the answer.  I suppose when not knowing is more painful than a possible answer one doesn’t want, it becomes easier to ask the question, huh?  I’m in favor of asking for lots of reasons.  It establishes a great precinct of open communication, it lets your potential know that you’re willing to find things out directly rather than fiddling around and projecting, and it also gives a good opportunity for someone whose email has been dropped by accident.

Good luck in your new relationships.  But remember, if this doesn’t work out, there really are six billion people on this planet.  If a cannibal can find someone to volunteer to be killed and eaten, surely our problems of finding the appropriate relationships to suit us are considerably more minimal².

---

¹Public thanks to my sweet and generous FWB for not getting irritated with schedule flakiness on my part, by the way. ;)
²Shamelessly stolen from another dear and treasured friend.

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I’ve been googling, browsing communities on LiveJournal and in general just mucking about the internet looking for different columns, articles and information on polyamory. As someone who comes to polyamory from the BDSM community, this was a topic that my partner and I had been discussing from the get-go as one of those general “How do you feel about this?” topics. However..

I really haven’t been able to find any information, or rather helpful information, dealing with a personal quirk of my newly found polyamory. See, my partner is happy to remain monogamous and is fully supportive of me but I’m having troubles adjusting from the “You HAVE to be monogamous!” mindset to the “You know, it’s okay to have romantic feelings for more than one person.” mindset. Everything I’ve been finding seems to focus on the partner who remains monogamous and their being upset. I haven’t found a whole lot for the polyamory newbies who are confused and upset by their feelings! In some regards, I feel like I connect with the upset monogamous partner more than I do with the polyamorous partner yet I am the one with the inclination towards polyamory.

The best thing I can do is to take slow and let relationships develop naturally and on their own but I was hoping there were others out there like me who were/are having troubles adjusting to being polyamorous. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is how I should be but I’m having to work through years of socialization and it’d be nice to know that I’m not alone in this.

Have you ever met people who’ve had similar problems?

Your column is awesome!

*BLUSH* Gawrsh…  Thanks.

Off the top of my head, what it seems like to me is that you feel guilty that you’re having feelings for more than one person.

Guilt is a funny thing, and yes, I’ve known people to feel guilty about something because they felt like they “should”, even when directly told that the people effected are just fine with whatever is going on!  Certainly it says more about your worldview than it does about theirs.

The best thing I can offer is that you take your monogamous partner exactly at his word.  He says he’s fine.  Your letter implies that you have no reason to believe that your partner is not being truthful, so chances are good that he’s fine.   Maybe you’re thinking he shouldn’t be fine with this?

If so, that’s a bit on the disrespectful side when you think about it!   He’s the expert on his feelings, so the respectful thing to do would be to take him at his word.

On the other hand, you don’t have to remake your mind to be poly.  Sure, sure, there may be changes in worldview, and that’s cool, but you’re still you, ya know?

Your question does sound like some self-examination would do you a lot of good — examining the nature of your feelings, your difficulties and why they might be there.

Some useful questions to ask yourself:

• What about polyamory attracts me?
• How do I envision multiple relationships and what changes do I think they may make in my life?
• Why does the idea of those changes seem like a good choice to make?
• What about polyamory is making me feel uncomfortable?
• Does getting over the discomfort seem like a good thing for me to do?
• Am I listening to my doubts?  What are they telling me?
• If I am having trouble adjusting, why is it important to me to be poly?

I’m all for poly (obviously, or I wouldn’t be doing this column!), but I don’t necessarily think that poly is The Ultimate Relationship Style.  Works for me, and that’s cool, but hey, if it doesn’t work for you then that’s okay.  You won’t get kicked out of the Cool Kids Club if you choose not to, any more than being poly is a ticket into the club, you know?

Hope this helps!

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I have heard and done some research on my own but have not found a definitive answer to the following question.

Is HIV transmission possible through cunnilingus?

There isn’t a definitive answer. Sorry!

Please understand that I am not a doctor, so I am answering to the best of my knowledge based on what I know about disease vectors (a little better than the average layman, but not much!)

The best we can come up with is that there are a couple of documented cases that they think are likely to have occurred during cunnilingus, but in terms of statistical risk of life¹ , it’s less risky than you getting into your car and driving to the grocery store. That theoretical risk is a bit higher if it is certain that blood is involved — ferinstance, cunnilingus during menstruation, especially if the person doing it has just brushed his teeth, so has teeny tiny open wounds in the mouth.

But it’s quite true that oral sex is not exactly risk free!

That said, I recommend getting regular testing for STDs in general. AIDS is hardly the only STD out there, and there are some others that will kill you, some that won’t kill you and still completely suck! Make sure you take appropriate precautions. I really recommend Assessing STD Risk Tolerance to learn a bit more about STD risk assessment. She’s remarkably sensible.

The only thing special about STDs are how fragile the little bugs are and how intimate you have to be to get ‘em. We don’t flip out when you get strep throat, and if untreated, that can certainly develop complications that can kill you. I rather dislike the stigma and shame attached because it prevents us from treating them sensibly.

¹For HIV only! There are other STDs for which oral sex is very much a transmission activity!

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