The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Dear Polyamorous Misanthrope,

I recently started a relationship with a person who has never been poly before. We’ve been dating for a little over a month and things have gotten really emotionally intimate, really fast. It’s wonderful and we’re both really happy being with each other. The complicated part for him is that I’m very poly. I have long-standing primary and secondary relationships.

The take home point here is that he’s not going to be my primary and if he wants a primary he’s going to have to keep dating other people and find one (hopefully someone ok with him still seeing me, but I don’t want to be selfish about this point). When we first started dating I met some of his non-poly friends and it wasn’t a big deal. He introduced me as a friend, we kept the PDAs minimal, and if they assumed anything they assumed we were casually dating.

But now that intense emotions are involved he’s starting to wonder what, if anything, he should tell his friends. He’s afraid to come out, afraid they’ll judge, but he really cares about me and is considering biting the bullet if being in the closet is likely to harm our relationship. My general rule for my non-primary relationships is that I don’t introduce them to or introduce them as platonic friends to people I’m not out to as poly (I’m out to my close friends, but not out at work, and not out to family). Trouble is with him that ship has sailed.

I feel weird about the idea of having to lie to people about our relationship. Not saying is one thing, but if they ask??? At the same time I don’t want to push him into making any major life changes just because I’m this big, bright, shiny new person in his life. Got any advice?

Signed,

Cramping His Mono Style

While it is many people’s strong preference to have relationships acknowledged socially, sometimes it’s awkward.  Our society does have a monogamous paradigm with perceived rights and obligations towards couples as a unit.  This can make things kind of weird.  When I lived in a group marriage, I preferred that my spice be acknowledged as exactly that.  In retrospect?  I think I was expecting the world to conform to me, rather than just moving through the world on my own terms and not trying to mold other people.

I’m not sure, though, that I understand.  Is your boyfriend asking you to lie about your relationship, or does he just not want to bring it up?  I do tend to tell the truth when asked a direct question — sometimes with a note of horrified surprise if I feel it is too direct or intrusive.

A friend of mine tends to introduce his friends and lovers by name only.  He doesn’t use relationship titles.  If someone wants to get nosy about it, it’s on the other person.  I rather like this approach as it works from a presumption of personal privacy about things that don’t matter.  The idea that we’d treat someone differently that we’ve been introduced to because those friends’ binkies have touched is really weird, when you give it some thought.  After all, what other people do privately between themselves is hardly our business nor does it affect us.

Of course, the real point is that couples are often treated as units with certain socially-perceived rights and privileges simply because that couple is an acknowledged unit.   My thought is that if you’re poly, you might want to re-think that convention as you’ve rethought many others.  I don’t have a full answer on how to handle it, because it’s an individual thing.  For the record, I’m married, but don’t tend to do all the proper social “married couple” things.  The Prince and I have worked out what works for us and it’s hardly conventional, but hey, that’s par for the course for poly people.  There are people who know The Prince and his girlfriend and have socialized with them, but not me.  I expect they’d be a bit surprised to know he has a wife.  Shoot, even people who have socialized with all of us might very well think that The Prince and I are divorced but on good terms.[1] We choose not to volunteer, though if directly asked, we tell the truth.

We’re rarely asked.

Not giving full disclosure about your relationship to your partners would be deception, yes.  They expect that information.[2] I’m not sure in a social context that you owe anyone a detailed explanation of the exact nature of the relationship.  If people are that close to you, they can ask, I would think.  If they’re not that close, they’re just being nosy.

Miss Manners, of all people, actually has encouraged the same thing… twice.  She’s amazingly tactful about the concept of polyamory and other socially non-mainstream issues.  She’s my hero and if I ever grow up, I hope I show that level of grace.

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[1] These are situations where we’d be socializing around our kids, which makes some sort of connection pretty immediately obvious.

[2] I’m assuming… Maybe you don’t have such an agreement, and that’s okay, too.  But many poly people do

A New Reader Asks:

I have been seeing a guy,living and working with him for about 4 months. He introduced me to the idea of polyamory. I had honestly never heard of it, but the more I learned the more I wanted of it. Secretly I had been bisexual and interested in women for some time, and finally I met a guy that wasn’t just interested in having a threesome, not jealous of my relationships with my girl friends, but promoted it. I was in awe. Now suddenly something has changed. Since finding this love inside of me, I have felt insanely happy, giving, loving, and learning more about plolyamory and yoga each day. We run a yoga center with two of my old roommates (how i met him), doing massage, etc.

The thing is this, we have had some good times with girls we’ve met, and some good times with friends of mine, and it all goes cool. About 2 weeks before he met me he was seeing another girl, and then me and we are on a much deeper level with one another, and see eye to eye on many things. Not that it really matters, this guy loves everyone and I know thats the way it should be. The thing is, this girl wants nothing to do with me. She isn’t interested in group sex and it really makes me feel left out and alone when she is around. He has agreed to not be with her alone, but this girl won’t even hug me for a picture. What to do? When she’s around he completely drops me, doesn’t even pay attention to me at all, rarely talks to me. It’s like I’m put on the back burner. When I ask why I’m being treated as if I don’t exist, or I’m just the back up babe, he tells me it’s my fault for not involving myself, but I try…I just know this girl doesn’t want anything. He has told me int he past that she says, lets get alone and we’ll do anything you want together. I mean, what the hell!! I live with him, can she not respect that and try to include me? This morning we were all in bed together and he asked how we both slept, we both said fine. Then they started talking to eachother in spanish, I’m in Panama if I didn’t mention that and am still trying to learn spanish. They continued for a very long time and the next thing I knew, I realized no one was talking to me at all. Instead of trying to butt in their conversation and be rude, I just got up and left. I find myself crying and unhappy and I just feel like I want out. I don’t know how to handle myself,but how can this be? I believe all that he has taught me, yet he seems to act like a different person when she is around. He says she needs more attention than me because I’m stronger, yet I am the one here crying. Please help Goddess of Java, give me some helpful advice.

Okay, first of all, just because you’re poly doesn’t necessarily mean that all loves will sleep with all other loves. The woman you’re discussing doesn’t owe you physical contact just because she’s sleeping with your boyfriend. If the girl isn’t into group sex, she isn’t. Not every polyamorous person is, I assure you.  I wouldn’t be very pleased with anyone who felt I owed them hugs and would be pretty unlikely to have much incentive to cultivate their acquaintance, much less a friendship.

Since you’re trying to learn the language, I don’t think it’s inappropriate to ask for the occasional translation when you don’t understand it when they’re speaking Spanish.  Since you live in a Spanish-speaking country, I can’t imagine they’d be foolish enough to think they were speaking in a private code in front of you (which would be pretty rude).   Learning a language is pretty intense, but if they’re bilingual, they know that.   It might be that they think they’re including you and don’t realize how much you’re feeling confused and left out.

I do sometimes discuss letters with partners, and mentioned this one to The Prince.   He frowned and said that the idea that your boyfriend has tried to turn this around and put it all on you doesn’t have him feeling very confident about how well the two of you are communicating.

He’s right, as it happens.  Relationship problems just aren’t on one person, any more than wonderful relationship interactions are.   While it’s certainly possible you’re holding yourself aloof (and God knows that North Americans can seem damn emotionally reserved in the face of some Latin American cultures), it is also possible there’s an expectation that you should be “convenient”.

I suspect that there’s some cross-purposes are going on here, and something that might help is to think clearly about what it is that you want.  I don’t mean the band-aids that you think will make you feel better (i.e. your boyfriend never being alone with another woman), but what it is you really want.  Maybe it’s more focus when you’re together.  Maybe it’s clearer communication.  Maybe it’s a backrub.  (Hey, wants aren’t always complex!)  But do think hard.  Because in good relationships, you’re totally responsible for figuring out what it is what you want, and then communicating that.

Here’s the scary part.  Sometimes, when you ask, you don’t get a “yes”.   Getting a no sucks.   The thing is, sometimes it’s something you can suck up, and sometimes it’s something you can’t.

Sane polyamory is damned near impossible without a certain degree of not only self-knowledge, but a deep understanding of what’s acceptable to you and what is not.

Probably the best thing for you at this point is to find a way to think uninterrupted about what it is you really want out of life and a relationship so that you can ask for that.  What are your dreams?  Your goals?  Things you love to have happen?  What are your dealbreakers?  When you know all of that, you’ll be in a better position to know where you want to go with this.

Good luck!

There’s a popular situation in sitcoms and romantic comedies.  There’ll be this couple — one of them[1] being presented as having their life a bit out of order.  The couple sleeps together, and then the more together partner starts getting the other person’s life in order for them.

I’ve never been too happy with this one.  The implication is that sleeping with someone means you’ve rights over them.  I don’t care if you’re monogamous or polyamorous, this one is obnoxious!

Just because you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t mean you can:

1. Try to become their band manager.

When I speak of trying to become their band manager, I mean that as a kind of blanket euphemism for trying to manage any point in their professional lives.  It’s just that the classic example of this is the girl starting to date a musician and then wanting to manage the guy’s band.

Yes, when you get into relationships, you do want to entwine your lives.  I get that.  But wait to be asked.

2. Manage old, long-term relationships for them.

This part may seem poly-specific, but it’s not.  For monogamous examples, think of dating someone and then trying to help them manage their relationships with their parents – either trying to reconcile or defending the person against them.

In polyamorous situations, for goodness sakes, don’t try to help someone with his problems with long-term relationships!  I’m not encouraging you to be heartless, but if you haven’t known someone for more than five years, chances are slim that you have the whole picture.  If you’re dealing with new and shiny, you can’t possibly have all the facts to give good enough advice.

3. Get them to make a Life Change.

It’s one thing to want someone you love to Be All That They Can Be.  It’s quite another to immediately start encouraging them to go back to school, make a career change, blah, blah, blah.  This is especially true when you start offering to help with applications, business forms or whatever.  Don’t.  Just don’t.  It’s fine to listen and find out what the other person wants, but sleeping with them doesn’t give you a right to manage that sort of thing for them.

I get that you might think they’re in a Relationship That’s Bad for Them.  Might even be true.  Even so, wait to be asked.  Seriously.

When you are in a relationship, you have these rights:

1. You may ask for what you want.

No, you don’t get rights over another person’s time.  You do get to ask for what you want, and in fact if you want a good relationship, you’ll do exactly that.

2. You may set boundaries.

I’m not going to go into a big lecture about boundaries.  A lot of my columns talk about them.  Click here for a series.  The basic takeaway is that a boundary is about what behavior you’ll accept to be in a relationship.  But, it doesn’t tell the other person how to behave.  Yes, that’s subtle, and I spend thousands of words analyzing the difference in other columns.

The point here is that I think that translating some very, very wrong monogamous norms into polyamorous situations really has the potential for a lot of wacky hijinks that might be fun to watch on a comedy of errors.

But, dear oh Lord, you wouldn’t wanna live ‘em.

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[1] Usually the male.

Polyamory is about love and intimacy, right?  So poly people are the lovingest, mostest intimate cuddlemuffins out there.  If you find someone wants to keep the slightest bit of themselves to themselves, they’re not really poly.  People that need space cannot possibly be polyamorous.  They’re sneaky monsters with an agenda to torture the poor loving cuddlemuffins.

Okay, I can’t go on with this without laughing so hard I burn my sinuses with hot coffee.

Love certainly does have an intimate component.  You’re not going to be able to have a loving relationship without a strong degree of intimate communication and interaction.  Cranky misanthrope I might be, but even I know you can’t love in a box.  It’s a two-way street, and you really do have to open yourself up to give and receive love.  But sometimes you’ll object to a behavior only to hear, “But I thought we were poly!”

The problem comes in when people confuse loving intimacy with stomping on personal boundaries.   Intimacy is closeness, but look out for some warning signs that say that what you’re experiencing is a boundary violation rather than intimacy:

• Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is use of negative emotions, especially guilt, to control behavior.

You probably won’t notice it the first time you experience it.

You’ll be approached, possibly hesitantly, and your love will say that something you did or didn’t do hurt.  You’ll feel bad and try to correct your behavior.  Now, ya know, in good relationships, sometimes you do screw up.  It happens!  You get called on it, and will get an explanation about how to avoid it in the future.  That’s not emotional blackmail.  That’s human.  Don’t chalk every single time someone doesn’t like your behavior up to emotional blackmail.  We’re none of us perfect.

It’ll be the second or third time within a relatively short period when you notice that it’s emotional blackmail.  You’ll experience strong attempts to make you feel guilty.  They might even work, if you don’t have a clear vision of good boundaries in place.

Luckily, you are in control of this.  Take the time to make sure you have a good sense of what you’re okay with, how you want to behave and the person you want to be.  When you’re solid and grounded in yourself and your own sense of who you want to be, it’s a lot harder to use guilt to manipulate you.

• Creeping Concessions

You know old canard that if you put a frog in a pan of cool water, then gradually heat it, the frog will not notice when the temperature rises to a dangerous degree and will boil to death?

While the literal story is false, the moral of the story has a point.  You can agree to one small concession, right?  That’s okay.  Now if that small concession is treated as a precedent rather than a single exception,[1] someone who is ignoring boundaries is likely to ask for another oh, so small concession that’ll become a precedent, until you’ve found you conceded way the devil more than you ever intended.

You can’t blame this one on the other person, though.  You’re responsible for your own boundaries.  You’re in control of this one.  If you give a concession, be clear whether it’s a precedent or a one-time deal!  You’re responsible for communicating your intention, so you can handle this pretty easily when you get into the habit.

• Confusing intimacy with intrusiveness

Intimacy is voluntary.  Intrusiveness involves a demand, sometimes combined with emotional blackmail.  You get to decide what you’re okay with sharing or not.  The other person doesn’t.  Sure certain sorts of info can be dealbreakers,[2] but the person who owns the info is the person who gets to make the final call on this.

Do you get frequent calls at work?  Do you find when you are not in the person’s physical presence that you get contacted more than you want?  If you’re on vacation, are you called more often than you’d like, interrupting your free time[3]?

If you object to these things, do you get a tearful reproach about love and poly?  Remember, even poly people are allowed to set boundaries about how they want to spend their time.

• Attempts to tell you how you are allowed to live

If you’re poly, ever had a new love tell you that you needed to change how you associate with an old love?  Big time boundary violation.   There are many others to choose from, but keep in mind that just because you have a romantic relationship with someone doesn’t mean you’re allowed to tell them what to do[4].

Good relationships require good boundaries, no matter what the relationship form.   Far from separating loves from each other, a respect for a person’s individuality and free choice is a wonderful way to promote loving relationships –even with yourself.   You’ll find that a careful respect of the other person’s free choice causes you to treasure the unique individuality of that person, allowing for even greater opportunities for love.

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[1] But you agreed you had to bow to the North in respect for our relationship before you got in bed with your other partner, last time!

[2] Not wishing to share STD history leaps to mind.

[3] Notice the “more than you want to” caveat.  You wanna spend your life on the phone with a love who isn’t physically present, enjoy.  Free choice and all.  This is about what you WANT.

[4] As an aside and slightly off topic, I’ve often found it amusing and confusing that sleeping with someone is perceived in our culture as granting the other person rights over you.  You see it in sitcoms, where once a girl is sleeping with her love, she gets to “straighten him out” and reorder his life.  The plot usually presents this as a good thing.  I think it stinks.

I mentioned in last week’s column that there are legitimate reasons why one might want to keep one’s romantic life quite private.   A poly person in the military or any other profession where witchhunts for sexual deviance are likely is probably either gonna want to change careers and be out or keep her mouth shut about it.

I have stated before that I think it’s safer for the poly family to make sure they live somewhere where nothing they’re doing is illegal and to be “out”¹.  I stand by that.  Notice, I say that I think it’s safer.  Not more moral.  Not more noble.  Not “better”.  I personally think that transparency is safer in the long run.

But, ya know, that’s easy for me to say.  It really is.  My financial status is enhanced by being a weirdo and being quirky.  I have no exes who would care to try to draw me into a lawsuit or custody battle.  I’m not important enough to “go after”. I’ve made some very specific and solid choices in my life to ensure that this is so.  Now, if we have A Handmaid’s Tale style government takeover, I will be considerably less safe and I know it. But given our present circumstances, I’ve made choices that make it pretty safe for me to be a weirdo publicly.

Those choices aren’t noble.  I think that’s really what I want to get across.  They’re just choices with a price just like any other choice people make.  Other people might choose not to be out about poly. Those choices are just as valid and no less noble that one’s choice to be out.

I remember many years ago there was a big discussion on one of the larger internet polyamory discussion groups where people who found being “out” valuable were commenting with some self-pride that they could never date someone who wasn’t “out”.  Know what?  I’d be unlikely to, as well.  That doesn’t make me a better person.  It was the undercurrent of virtue that got to me at the time, the idea that one might have compelling reasons not to be out was an inferior way to live.  That it was somehow hypocritical.  I don’t think it’s necessarily hypocritical to keep quiet about one’s love life.

Now, if you make a career out of chasing down and punishing alternative lifestylers, but you, yourself are a practitioner, I’ve neither sympathy nor mercy towards you.  If you’re participating in punishing people for being poly and you’re poly yourself, and if I find out about it, I won’t keep my mouth shut.

But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say that choosing not to be out can be a very valid choice.

I’m talking about the elementary school teacher, the people that don’t want to sacrifice other parts of their lives that they value to be poly.  I’m talking about people who don’t want to be activists.  You don’t owe the world activism.   I don’t flatter myself that I’m sticking my neck out for you.  ‘Cause frankly, my neck is in no damn danger and I lack the necessary arrogance to give myself airs that it is.  You people who are activists, don’t be trying to put the claim on the people you’re ostensibly trying to serve, either!

You own you, each of you, and you own your choices.  Don’t let anyone try to guilt you into doing something different.

If you’re on the fence, though, about whether or not to be out, examine it.  Why do you want to?  What do you hope to gain?  What might you lose?  Face up to it and make your own choice.  Then you can feel good about what you’ve done because you’ve made the choice with your eyes wide open.  I made the choice to be out mostly ’cause I’m chicken.  I felt like being transparent was safer for me. But you might not feel that’s the best way for you and your relationships to go.

My father used to tell me “There’s a price for everything.”   It’s true.  In or out, there is a price attached.  The important thing is to think clearly, don’t evade the fact that no matter what you choose, you’re gonna have that price attached and do it with a clear understanding.  When you do that, you will face up to the ups and downs of being poly a lot better.

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¹Being “out” and “waving the poly flag” are two entirely different things. If you’re out there freakin’ the ‘danes, stop being a show-off and a jerk. You look like an idiot.  Says the woman who has been an idiot before.

One of the big things that often becomes a serious Talking Point in polyamorous relationships is the nature and detail of personal and emotional disclosure — most specifically, disclosure of actions/feelings between your, your loves and your loves’ loves.

This is an area where people often make assumptions that wind up biting them in the butt later. You’ll think that of course your love is going to volunteer comments about romantic feelings she may be having for someone else, and she’s thinking that she doesn’t need to bring it up until she’s contemplating physical action. You feel hurt, she feels intruded upon and WHAM! you’ve got yourself a Relationship Situation.

Allow me to offer an end-run around this nonsense.

A lot of times, though, when you start examining your desires for disclosure, you’ll find a pattern. What you’re really looking for is self-protection – be it from an STD, being abandoned, being surprised out of nowhere with an emotional shock. Not all self-protection in a relationship is bad, but make sure you’re owning your own responsibility for yourself, your wants, your emotions and your needs before you start asking for stuff.

Be specific with what you want. For the love of Anoia[1], please don’t say, “Of course I want full disclosure!” and leave it at that. It’s non-specific, and way the hell too open to interpretation, confusion and irritation. Since we love our partners and the goal is communication rather than brow-beating, give ‘em an easy chance to understand what it is you really want in terms of disclosure.

Ferinstance:

• I want to be told if you or one of your partners gets an STD.[2]
• Please tell me if you’re having sex with someone new. For the purposes of this discussion, I’m defining “sex” as “intent for someone involved to have an orgasm.”
• If you’re considering sleeping with someone new, I’d like to know about it before it happens.

Yes, the last two reflect somewhat different approaches to the way multiple relationships can be handled. It’ll depend very much on what you and your partner(s) mutually agree upon.

There are dozens of others, but we don’t have to get into detail. The point is, what do you want to be told? Think about it carefully, and then ask for that. Sure, you might realize that you didn’t completely envision the ramifications of exactly what you asked for and need to refine. And yes, of course you can ask for something different at a later time. But as a Real Grownup, you are responsible for stepping up to the plate and admitting that your self-knowledge was incomplete and that’s your own problem.

You won’t always be told yes. That might be a dealbreaker. If I had a partner who said, “I want to know about every person about whom you’ve had a sexual fantasy,” chances are good I’d decline. There’s no real way I could honestly commit to doing that. I might have a fantasy I forget about an hour later, ya know? That could be a deal-breaker in some relationships. It’s better to get that out on the table immediately so no-one’s time is wasted.

Does this require self-knowledge? You betcha. In fact, successful relationships in general do. Will you make mistakes and ask for what you thought you wanted in terms of disclosure only to find that’s not quite right? Oh very yes! Welcome to the Human Club.

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[1] The Goddess of Things Stuck in Drawers.

[2] I choose only to take it to that level. I’m not the CDC here and feel that tracking down three or four levels is not worth my time. You might feel differently and that’s your call.

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There’s been a few discussions going around various polyamory communities talking about relationship rules, tastes in physiques, and a lot of other things.

Part of the discussion will invariably involve why some standard or another is wrong. When you dig a little deeper, it is often because that particular person doesn’t meet said standard.

I have an answer to that.

So fucking what? Get over yourselves. What is this idea that you must be universal relationship material? Do you think that you’ll have a higher status if more people wanna fuck you? Do you think it’s personal?

First off, it’s probably not personal. Take “I don’t do LDRs”. If you live on the other side of a continent from someone and they say that, it’s hardly an insult. It’s not personal. That person just doesn’t want to do long distance relationships. Fine. They don’t have to, and it’s not a reflection on you.

What about “I’m not attracted to people who are heavy?” Guess what, friends. Still not personal. That person is allowed her own criteria. To take it personally isn’t useful or even realistic. It’d be a damn stupid reason to run out and diet¹, cause there might be other reasons that the person isn’t attracted to you.

What about “I’m not attracted to people with long black hair?” Should you run out and chop off your raven locks? Friends, you’d be an idiot to do so.

What about “Do not wake me up because you’re having serious emotional issues?” Ahh… interesting. Well, if you need to be able to call someone at three in the morning to cry on them on a regular basis maybe that person isn’t right for you! How ’bout that? See, it works both ways, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean the person who is protective of her sleep is a horrible person, nor does it mean you are. It means you have severely incompatible needs. It’s not a personal affront.

I’m all for change if you think it’ll benefit you. Don’t get me wrong. If running around punching people in the nose isn’t working for you, sure, stopping that and trying other behavior might be useful.

But it’s not a personal affront if a majority of the world doesn’t find you relationship material, nor should you necessarily “make yourself over” to gain sex or romantic relationships. It’s not a contest, no matter how many people seem to think the more people you want to fuck you, the more you win at life.

The relationships that are worth having are the ones that work for you. And let’s face it, even as poly people, we only have 168 hours a week. We all have interests other than romantic relationships. We’ve got our careers, our hobbies, our families, and our individual lives.

Get over yourselves!

¹Not saying that you shouldn’t take care of your health, but body mod to increase fuckability becomes a zero sum game. For the extremes of this, check out honest accounts of any industry where fitting a specific body image becomes a major part of the job.

We all have our standards for choosing loves. That’s cool. We should.

I’d like to share one of mine: How does he treat someone he isn’t interested in gettin’ busy with?

If there’s a significant gap in kindness, courtesy or respect, I take a pass on that relationship.

Not sayin’ one shouldn’t have criteria, notice. The guy who’s interested in me prolly either is really, really into curves or brains. That’s all good. We all have our tastes, and being desired can feel good. But if I hear him refer to the wispy little thing as a “skinny bitch”, or a reasonably decent person who’s not too bright disparagingly, my interest is gonna be gone.

It’s a variant on “If she’s nice to you and rude to the wait staff, she’s not a nice person.”

I almost think, sometimes, that there is this underlying cultural idea that it’s okay to be a little hostile to people who don’t “measure up” to your views of sexual attractiveness. It’s as if humans pay rent on this planet by being sexy, and deserve a little punishment if they don’t. Eavesdrop on group of men or women talking sometimes, when the subject of sexual attractiveness comes around. They can get harsh.

And no, I don’t buy the “Well, we’re biologically programmed to reproduce, so of course we’re going to behave that way. You can’t escape biology.” I’d be willing to bet that none of my male readers have raped a woman that smells like she’s ovulating. You’ve proven you’re not at the mercy of your biological imperatives. Biology drives us to a certain extent, yes, but we get a choice in our behavior, too.

You don’t owe everyone sexual interest, of course. (Who’d have the time?) I’m just talking courtesy, even behind their backs.

Don’t take it to mean that it’s bad to express your tastes. You can do that without slamming the person. “He doesn’t have a physique/IQ that’s to my tastes” is okay. You’re not calling names or being discourteous about a person.

This isn’t about being fluffybunny. You can have your flinty, stern standards (God knows I do!) and still be a decent human being.

One of the issues that often arise in poly situations — especially in group living is who decides what gets done.

Sure, sure, a consensus model works. But have you ever gotten more than two people to happily agree on more than 50% of decisions? (The “happily” part is important in the long run. Just going along without being happy means that you’re gonna have some resentment along the line).

When the consensus model won’t work, there’s another option: The Designated Control Freak.

I found out about the whole concept of the DCF from a good friend of mine, and thought it was funny and cute and a nifty way to solve decision issues. I told my roommate about it, who also thought it was cute, so we jokingly implemented it.

It was at least six months before we internalized the awesome power of the system.

Here’s the way it works. When the person becomes the Designated Control Freak (DCF) the dialog will be in italics.

Albert: Let’s go out to eat.

Betty: Great! Where shall we go?

Carl: I don’t want to go to a vegetarian restaurant.

Albert: Okay, where are we going then?

Carl: Let’s go to the Outback Steak House.

Betty: No, I hate chain restaurants.

Carl: Okay, Betty, where are we going?

Betty: There’s the new Thai place.

<silent pause>

Betty: Okay, I’ll call them and see if they take reservations.

The way the one becomes the DCF is to express a dissenting opinion when trying to come to a decision. If you have a dissenting opinion, you become responsible for the outcome and have to solve the problem. (i.e. what restaurant to go to for an outing). If you have a strong opinion about where to go and speak up, it’s up to you to organize it. Notice that in the course of a few sentances, the DCF changed several times. It wasn’t an argument (and usually when you agree to the DCF system there won’t be).

If you speak up, if you express an opinion, you’re the DCF until someone else speaks up with a different solution.

You’d think it would be a way for people to railroad through their decisions. But it isn’t. Sometimes you recognize that what you really want is not to be the leader, and shut up. Sometimes you want something badly enough to take the reigns.

Part of the beauty of this system is that it is impossible to be a Puppeteer and try to be the Hindmost¹. If you have an opinion, you’re in charge.

This model reduces fights in a lot of areas. You have a specific way you want the bathroom cleaned? Then you’re the Bathroom DCF. Go for it. It gets cleaned your way. You think the trash has to be emptied before you have to tamp trash down in the kitchen garbage bin, huzzah! You’re the DCF and get to do it.

Does this mean a lazy person could slack in the house and never have to do anything because he never speaks up? In theory, I suppose it could. In practice, I’ve noticed that even the most housework-phobic and disorganized have their own tweaks and twitches for which they will become the DCF and not so lazy as all that.

The thing is, this model really also works well because no-one is willing to work that hard to get his way about everything when he’s responsible for the outcome. You’ll usually find that if someone is trying to bully to get their way on everything, they’re seeing the other person as their “hands” to accomplish what they want. Puppeteering, if you will. This removes the strings nicely.

¹For those of you who are not science fiction geeks, in the Ringworld series, there is a culture of creatures who lead from behind — their morality is more-or-less based on cowardice: the ruling class is known as they-who-lead-from-behind, and the supreme leader is called the Hindmost. Their leader is called the Hindmost.

Back many moons ago when I used to write for PolyFamilies, my spice at the time and I used to muse over the fact that the site would be useful to almost anyone. It was mostly about running a household, with the quirkiness of being a multi-adult marriage thrown in. The principles, however, could be applied to almost anything. I still use versions of them in my much smaller, not-a-group marriage household now!

Relationships are similar, you know. The principles of conducting good relationships don’t only apply to the ones you have with people you’re doinking!

There’s an excellent article on the Polyamory Society site by Brian Frederick that lists a series of relationship skills crucial to the polyamorous person. At the very end, Frederick comments that his article could apply to any relationship — business, family or otherwise, and he’s right.

What good personal interaction really boils down to is approaching people with respect and insisting on being respected — on drawing good boundaries around what’s good and what’s not. It’s about communicating honestly.

While I’d be the last person to say that Polyamory Makes Us Better People, I will say that if you are going to dedicate yourself to the skills necessary to maintain good multiple relationships, yeah, it’s gonna have a self-improvement effect in general.