The Polyamorous Misanthrope

I ran across the acronym H.A.L.T for a reminder in times of stress or distress on the Flylady mailing list.

Basically, it runs like this.

Self: I feel like crap. I’m ruminating. I’m upset, I hate the world (or myself, or whatever tends to be your danger signal for negative emotion).

This can be a trigger to H.A.L.T — examine yourself.

The acronym stands for four things that it is useful to check for:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

The order is actually important.

First is Hungry.

Humans are not meant to function well when we are hungry. Hunger means that we need to make it our first priority to fuel our bodies or we’ll die. Oh we take pride in “forgetting to eat” or some such nonsense, sometimes — proof of God knows what. Maybe you think it means you’re being focused. Maybe you want to prove to yourself that you don’t have a bad relationship with food. Whatever.

Not fueling up on a regular basis doesn’t help your mood. Me? I’m lucky. I get cranky as all hell if I fast. I know it. I get clear signals. So, I try to eat about five times a day. Yes, you heard me right. Five times a day (I follow more or less a weightlifter’s regimen. It takes off the excess fat while keeping me comfortably satisfied). I don’t drive myself into negative moods that are too difficult to control from lack of eating. I challenge you to do an experiment and keep an hourly mood chart sometime. I guarentdamntee that you find a correlation between negative mood and a meal too far in the past. If you feel you’re losing control of your feelings and are hungry, often fueling up with something healthy will calm you down and help you gain perspective.¹

Second is Angry. Anger is an emotion with a strong imperative. It’s also biologically based as a protection mechanism. If you’re angry, you’re feeling a need to protect yourself. It’s a healthy enough trigger if you treat it properly and check out what you’re angry about. Are you setting good boundaries? Are you enforcing them? If you’re spiraling and you’re not hungry, check out the anger issues. Plenty of people don’t acknowledge anger and what it means. Is that what’s going on? Do you need to speak up about something? Are you hanging on to something that it would be useful to let go?

Third is Lonely. We humans are social creatures. Yes, even cranky misanthropes need company from time to time. Spiraling emotions, if you’re neither hungry nor angry, can be loneliness. This can be a trickier one to satisfy immediately. If you’re reading this, though, chances are good you’re online in a forum where you can at least chat with someone. Try it. If it helps, that might be your issue.

Last on the list is Tired. We’re not meant to chug along like steam engines and never stop. We need sleep. We need rest of other sorts. If you’ve eaten, don’t feel angry, and you find that you’ve had enough company to satisfy you, then it might very well be that you’re tired. Take a nap, if you can.

Following this won’t mean that you’ll always feel great. Life isn’t like that. As people we have our ups and downs. What this is meant to do is to help you in times of stress to help you keep your cool and stay balanced. It’s meant to help you make helpful decisions instead of merely reacting in times of stress.

¹ Yes, this can be the basis for emotional and binge eating. My own personal touchstone for whether or not it’s actually hunger vs. a desire to eat emotionally is if cobb salad will satisfy me. If it will, it’s hunger. If it’s chocolate or bread or somesuch, chances are that I need to go further down the HALT list and see what need is unmet.

This week’s column is by guest writer, Jenny Ford.

Forget those piles of paper, bulging closets, and kitchen cabinets full of lidless plastic containers. The real stressor in life is not physical clutter, it’s emotional clutter.

Just as the physical clutter can be dealt with by a big one-off effort and a little daily maintenance, the emotional clutter doesn’t need to dominate your space, either.

What is emotional clutter?

Have you ever noticed that some people seem to have lives absolutely jam-packed with dramas? They have piles of needy friends, closets bulging with work crises, and a seemingly endless supply of angst-ridden personal conflicts.

We have a sneaking suspicion that at least some of these dramas are avoidable, or perhaps being blown out of proportion – as evidenced by our use of the term “drama queen”. to describe these people. One of my friends said that he had stopped using the term “drama queen” because it carried the connotation of femaleness, and having a drama-filled life is not a gender-specific trait. He suggested “drama capsule” as an alternative.

For me, I tend to start to categorise a person as a “drama capsule” when the drama they were dealing with at the time I met them has been replaced by several others in turn, with only small gaps or even overlaps between them.

I have distinguished two types, though many people are both at once.

Type 1 drama capsules have unconscious processes which create dramatic situations around them (for example, they are drawn to relationships with addicts or abusers, they abuse credit cards, they overcommit in high-stress jobs, they chronically cheat on their partner/s, or whatever). In those cases, the “drama situations” tend to be those which I would agree were dramatic if they happened to me (for example they wind up in hospital, in court, having panic attacks, with an STD, with their partner leaving them, etc). You could also call this type of person a “drama magnet”.

Type 2 drama capsules are people who can take relatively small bumps in the road and magnify them into prolonged, exhausting, emotional situations. You could perhaps refer to this type of person as a “drama addict”.

For example, I recently saw a situation where poly guy and poly woman got together for an evening, with the prior knowledge and consent of all partners, to explore sexual touch. Due to both individuals’ past histories, all concerned expected this would stop short of actual intercourse. In fact, through some fluke of compatibility, neither person bailed and actual intercourse occurred.

Because the intercourse was unexpected, his girlfriend very upset. She was too devastated to go to work for a couple of days, had to pull out of her uni course for the semester, and couldn’t even discuss the issue with the other woman for a month. In proportion to the triggering event, a fairly extreme emotional response.

The ultimate exhaustion arises when multiple Type 2s get together. Just about anything can be ricocheted around, escalating at every turn, with more and more hurts and upsets to be pandered to, almost indefinitely.

I think that we all have Type 2 tendencies when we are depressed, sick, tired, or otherwise stressed and resource-depleted. We can all over-react to things that would simply wash under the bridge on a better day. I wouldn’t consider someone a Type 2 unless there was a consistent, long-running pattern of it.

How To Declutter

First, look to yourself. Are you abusing drugs or alcohol, are do you have partner who is? Are you running up debts without knowing where the money will come from, or do you have a partner who is? Are you lying to your partner? Are you working (or exercising or anything else) far too many hours a week? Are you winding up in jail, in court, in hospital, or depending on the kindness of friends and relatives on a regular basis? There are organisations to help with each and every one of those drama-generating conditions. Call one. Deal with yourself.

Second, if you’re not generating dramas directly, consider the last three things which produced strong emotional stress for you. Exclude stressors which have happened to you (death of a close associate, unexpected job loss, unplanned pregnancy, moving house, etc). Include those stressors if they happened to someone else but were very emotionally stressful for you, but otherwise focus on emotionally upsetting situations you have had with other people. Write them down. Put dates next to them. If all three happened within the last three months, there is a real possibility that you have a drama addiction.

Grab a self-help book on cognitive behaviour therapy, get some counselling, and/or take up meditation. Keep reminding yourself “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff,” and “It’s All Small Stuff..”

Third, if you don’t seem to fall into either category, ask yourself whether most of the stress in your life comes from supporting your partners through their dramas. Maybe one or more of your partners is a drama capsule.

Assuming you want to maintain the relationship (a drama capsule can be very sweet , supportive and loving between crises, after all), I recommend that you get very, very good at boundaries. Go to Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or another codependency support group. Find a good self-help book on behaviour modification, co-dependency and/or boundaries. Stop rewarding your drama addict for being overwhelmed by drama. Start rewarding them for dealing with situations calmly and detachedly.

We all have times when events conspire. We all have times when we are physically run down, or sick, or under-resourced, and we over-react. Cleaning up your emotional space after those times is like cleaning up after a party – a bit of an effort, and then back to normal.

A habit of over-dramatising is like a habit of untidiness – it will take self-discipline and a long period of practice to change your ways.

But the results are worth it.

Jenny Ford has an Honours degree in Psychology and works as a business consultant and executive coach …. by day. In her other life, she is a polyamorous, bisexual community-builder and relationships coach. She has husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, three children (though the teenager could count as three all on her own), and two cats. She lives in Sydney, Australia with a subset of the above family members and is currently researching how to bend space and time so she can live with ll the people she loves in all the places they want to live without leaving Sydney. Expressions of appreciation for Jenny should take the form of Lindt chocolate balls. Bonus points if they are the black 60% cocoa ones.

Decluttering Your Emotional Space

© 2007, Jenny Ford

Used by permission, all rights reserved

I wanna talk a bit about vetos.

I don’t like ‘em – not one tiny little bit. I don’t like the ramifications of a veto. There is an implication of ownership overlaid with a serious lack of trust. No, don’t whine at me about this. If you need a veto, there is a desire to protect yourself. This isn’t meant to activate some macho thing. You know, “I don’t need to protect myself!” Sometimes you do, and there’s no use at all in fooling yourself about it.

My concern with the veto power is that I think it actually promotes a lack of trust between partners. To me a veto says, “I don’t really trust your judgment, and I feel fairly sure that at some point, if you meet someone <more attractive><more intelligent><better in bed><name your insecurity>, and you will <leave me><screw me over><take your pick of your personal relationship “disaster”>.”

A veto also says, “I need something with more ‘firepower’ than merely asking for what I want.”

If that’s the way you feel, and feel it strongly enough to want yes or no say over someone else’s choices, is that relationship really a good idea for you? I mean seriously, think about it a minute.

Have I ever felt the need for a veto? Yep, sure did. And I took away from that experience that a desire for a veto is a big ole waving red flag that the particular relationship was Not Healthy for Mama Java, and I need to examine stuff really closely.

Now, I know how stuff like this can be twisted, so don’t take this article as an excuse to beat someone over the head, saying, “If you want a veto you don’t trust me. If you really love and trust me, you won’t even ask for such a thing!” If you get asked for a veto, it’s time for some introspection. Your partner knows you¹. If you habitually lie, your partner knows it. If it is your habit to get obsessed and disregard agreements, your partner knows this. If you do not ask for what you want, but what you think you can “get away with”, your partner knows this, too.

Now look me in the eye and say, “But he should just trust me!” I’ll laugh my ass off, I will!

I suppose what it really boils down to is the emotional bank account. The emotional bank account is the amount of trust that has been built up in the relationship. Is it high? If it’s not, I am strongly of the opinion that polyamory with veto conditions is not the way to make those deposits. The very need for vetos means that the emotional bank account with your partner is not very high. You need to work on other things. The very veto agreement will prey on your mind – a constant reminder of the difficulties in the relationship.

This is not to say that I think boundaries in relationships are not needed. Of course I don’t think that! Agreements are important. Mutual understanding is very important. But the very concept of the veto is inherently false, as it says, “I get a say in what you do.” You don’t. You get to ask, but you don’t have the power to choose for someone else, so why pretend?

I think it’s important to keep things rooted in reality. In reality, if you’re edgy about someone’s new interest, you can ask for what you want and set your boundaries² for what’s okay. It’s also fine to point out things that might concern you because you’re concerned about someone you love being hurt. That’s different from saying, “No, you can’t.” and is a lot more respectful of your partner’s boundaries.

¹If you don’t feel like your partner knows you really well, you are a fucking idiot for even considering handing that person a veto. Sorry. I can’t sugarcoat that. It’s shooting yourself in the balls.

²Remember when you set your boundaries that this can only be done when you’re very clear on your locus of control. Don’t mix it up with what is genuinely not under your control!

This isn’t part of the article, but when I noticed the date it was going out, something in my own life hit me, so I have to say this. If you love someone, tell them. Love is a pretty simple and basic thing, and it doesn’t necessarily mean “I want to have your babies” or “I want a lifetime commitment.” It can be a lot simpler than that. I’m talking about friends and family just as much as any romantic relationship you have. Love is love! But…

Don’t let the opportunity pass. You never know if you might lose it. When the chance is gone, it’s gone forever. I know this sounds awful fluffybunny, but love ain’t fluffy and it is important.

I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that each and every one of the relationship problems I have ever had can be traced to one single thing. Now me? I’m usually suspicious of the “silver bullet” or the “instant solution” or the “single answer” to anything. I like things to be black and white – simple. Thing is, they’re usually not, so I rarely permit myself to get excited or happy when some genuinely is, always looking for the catch.

But this time, it’s true. Every single relationship problem I have ever encountered in my life has been because of a lack of appropriate boundaries.

Okay, note the qualifier “appropriate”. We have that little shade of gray that makes it acceptable after all. <grin>.

So what is a boundary? At its simplest, it is a line that says, “This is me. This is my locus of control and where I have total say.” A big and obvious boundary that many people have is, “I will not permit myself to be hit. If I am hit, I will leave the relationship. If you pursue me, I will take legal action to protect myself.” A small and subtle one might be, “It is important to me to be on time to an event. If you are not ready in time to go to an event, we can work out an alternative –among which could include separate cars or me getting a ride with someone else who also finds it important to be on time.”

Notice in both cases you’re not telling the other person what to do. You’re saying what you will do. You’re also not telling the person how to act. You’re not judging the person for her choices, you’re not telling him he has to have the same desires or needs as you. Not that it does the least good to say these things, ’cause people are individuals and have their own needs and desires.

Boundaries improve relationships because they take the pressure off. You accknowledge that you’re completely responsible for meeting your own needs, and you get rid of any emotional investment in the other person doing so.

For your boundaries to work for you, you have to have a few tools, though.

1. You must know what you want - This can be a subtle thing, and often you need to focus on “meta wants”. When you’re fuming that someone is late out the door, what you want isn’t necessarily for the person to stop primping at the mirror, but that you want to be on time! Make sure you are very grounded in the “meta want”. It makes step two easier.
2. You must detach your wants from the other person’s behavior. This can be a rough one, because it often looks like your wants are dependant on what other people do. Thing is, as long as you attach your wants to another person’s behavior, you’re just asking to be frustrated. You have no control over how someone else acts! It is supremely important to separate your needs from others’ behavior.
3. You must choose to ask for what you want – I once heard someone comment, “If you do not ask for what you want, you deny the other person the opportunity to say ‘yes’.”
4. You must know what you want to do if the person says “no”. While the other person has the opportunity to say “yes”, they also have the right to say “no”. What do you do then? Well that seriously depends. Boundaries are not hard, fast and rigid at all times, nor should they be. Let’s say you want the dishes washed, have asked for it, and the other person says “no”. (For this example, we’re going to presume that this is an adult relationship, and you’re not enforcing parental boundaries here…) You could say, “It is one of my personal boundaries that I will only be in relationships with people who will do the dishes when I ask it of them.” After all, boundaries are individual, and that’s your right to choose. You could say, “What I want is a clean kitchen. Therefore, I shall do the dishes.” Keep very much in mind what it is that you want. Was the “meta want” a clean kitchen, or a relationship with someone who does housework on command? That will help you choose how to act.

For all of this to work, you must understand your own locus of control. You own your own life, and you own your own time. No-one else does. However, you do not own another’s life or time, and if you make claims on it, you’re impinging on someone else’s boundaries. That’s not a healthy way to have a relationship.

Like so many of these articles, they’re more relationship specific than poly specific. Notice, you could apply this to any non-romantic relationship quite as well as you could to romantic ones.

In fact, I believe you might like the results if you did try it!

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050430.html

I want to thank a recent reader of the PolyFamilies site for the idea for this column. I’ve been a bit blocked for a month or so, trying to come up with something good to write, and this was an excellent topic!

Every now and then I get letters from people who are not poly, but are close to someone who is — family member, close friend, something like that. Most of the time when I get a letter, it is from someone who has done some research on the topic and clearly wants to be as supportive as they can be. This can be hard, especially because it is often such a new idea, or it seems to them that their friend/family member is behaving oddly .

Chances are good that you found out about your loved on being poly because they were involved with someone besides who you thought was their “one and only” love. Wham! There you are being blindsided, going, “Now what the hell is this nutcase up to?”

And you think I’m gonna scoldja for thinking something so unsupportive, right?

Nope.

It’s a totally valid question and it’s okay to ask yourself. Not sayin’ you should start calling your loved one a nutcase or anything, but when someone close to you that you love does something strange, asking yourself questions to try to explore what’s up is a good thing.

The real problem is that most poly people, because they know polyamory to be a somewhat touchy subject, will often wind up waiting to “come out” until it’s so blasted obvious no-one could miss it. They’re often in the throes of a new relationship and are totally ga-ga over this new person (in the poly community, we call this New Relationship Energy or NRE), and often want everyone else around them to be so happy for them and the new love they’ve found. Not that wanting one’s loved ones to share on one’s happiness is exactly a negative thing, but there you are, confused. Hesitant.

Here’s some things to keep in mind:

• Polyamory is not about cheating.

  You’ll find some of the harshest critics you’ve ever seen of having affairs in the polyamorous community. (I’m usually first in line with this one. <grin> If someone says they’re poly, but to keep it under your hat about the other relationship because the spouse doesn’t know, you’re dealing with a cheating situation, not a poly one.

• If offered an opportunity to get to know a new love, take it!

  I’m not saying you have to become bestest friends with this new love. I am saying that because your friend or loved one is heavily involved with more than one person, it’s a good idea, if invited, to get to know all the loves. They’re a big parts of your loved one’s life. You cannot form opinions in a vacuum, and the more facts the better!

• It’s okay to call bullshit

  I am not saying that it’s okay to close your mind, say polyamory is all wrong and your friend is being an idiot. ‘Kay? What I am saying is that it’s okay to say, “Well, Mary, I’ve met your love. He claims to be a wealthy day-trader, but he’s said some things that indicate to me that he doesn’t even know what a ticker symbol is, and he drives a 1993 Pontiac Sunbird. I think he’s not being truthful here.” Love is love, honesty is honesty and being poly doesn’t change all standards of behavior.

• It’s okay to ask questions.

  You may tread on ground that your friend thinks is none of your business, mind. It’s an intimate subject. (For instance, I am unlikely to answer if someone asks me specifics about what I do in bed with a specific person!) But it’s still okay to ask . “How does your wife feel about this?” is a totally valid question, and so is, “How are you going to handle things with the kids?” Now, a caveat: Don’t confuse asking a legitimate question because you want information with trying to use questions to beat someone over the head because you don’t like what they’re doing. There’s a difference and it’s important to be conscious of it.

• Your friend/loved one may feel a little defensive.

  The simple fact of the matter is that we are often treated a little harshly. I’ve been called names on occasion and don’t always get much respect for my non-legal relationships. It’s such new territory for many people! Not only is there going to be a lot of communication, restructuring and negotiation going on within the romantic relationships, he’s also going to be dealing with the changes that this information is going to bring in his relationship with you ! It’s a lot to handle and is sometimes a little overwhelming.

• Love is always a good place to start.

  Love ain’t just about sex and romance. I’m presuming that you love your friend/family member here. In your interaction and communication, keep that in mind.

I’ve been asked what the ettiquite is for interacting with a poly person and dealing with their relationships. Well, there isn’t any. Miss Manners just hasn’t written anything about it. However, showing good manners (as opposed to a strict aherence to ettiquite) and being gracious is always a good place to start.

For you poly people who are coming out? Be understanding, okay? This is new to your friends/family. They’re just not going to grok everything right away. You know how you feel, but you do look like some kinky freak on the surface. Be gentle and understanding and let people beneath the surface.

And learn from my mistake. Don’t try to shove your otherloves down your friends’ and family’s throat! Sure, if you have otherloves living with you, you can expect your guests to be polite. That’s reasonable. But give it time when it comes to acceptance. We know how we feel about our otherloves, but you’re jumping completely out of a societal paradigm, and you can’t just say, “Look, I have two wives and I expect you to internalize that.” Let your actions prove your statements and let things flow from there.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050319.html

So, what if you’re already in a relationship and want to convince a spouse/partner to try polyamory?

As I have stated before, I am not particularly sympathetic to cheating . I frequently have conversations with people who say that they have this compelling need to love more than one person, but that a mate would not understand. Being somewhat naive, I do not think that they are loving anyone if the motive is to “turn” someone poly or to obtain absolution for cheating. I strongly suggest that if you want to try poly and are considering cheating – don’t. Trust me on this one. Keep your zipper up or your panties on and show a little self control. Keep that burning cauldron of passion under wraps until you straighten things out. You’ll be glad you did.

Basically, if you want to go poly and you are in a committed relationship, you have three honorable options. First, you can discuss it with your mate and hope like all get out you get at least a moderately affirmative answer. You can discuss it with your mate, get a negative answer and stay in the monogamous relationship or you can discuss it with your mate, get a negative answer and opt to leave the relationship.

Obviously, this is fraught with a great amount of emotional turmoil. There are plenty of people, maybe even most that would agree to poly to keep a beloved mate. How much do you love your mate? Can you live with forcing that kind of choice on him? I have seen the effects of this choice. About half the time, it works out fairly well. The other half tends to range from nightmare to hell. I wish I could say otherwise, I really do.

Your mate is going to have to know in his heart that she is loved. Your actions must speak very loudly on the fact that you love your mate and will devote a great deal of attention to the original relationship. If you behave in this way, you will be coming from the right emotional place where it has the greatest chance of working. This is something that you learn, by the way. It takes constant effort. Love is powerful, but to be truly, honestly loving requires a lot of self-discipline – more than you’re likely to have at the moment . That’s okay, too. The important thing is to work on it, and develop it day by day. It’s not something you’ll acquire overnight, after all. Be forgiving with yourself without giving yourself permission to slack about it.

I don’t mean to sound too pessimistic here. In fact, I know a couple rather intimately who started monogamous and decided to be poly. It has worked quite well for them. Just remember that it does take work on everyone’s part.

The first thing to do when attempting to bring up polyamory is to follow through on this as best you can. Your partner will see your actions. This is important, as it is likely that any words that indicate a desire to open the relationship are going to be scary to your partner. How could they not be? Let’s face it, our society is into the whole “one true love” idea — the perfect love, the perfect bliss, the ideal soulmate. Reality check: Your partner’s breath is going to smell bad in the morning. Your lactose intolerance is still going to create situations in which your partner needs a gas mask after a pizza. The electric bill still needs to be paid and if you don’t put away your laundry, it is still going to get wrinkled. This is not going to change because you’re in love. That perfect state of giggly bliss is wonderful and will come back from time to time in relationships, but it is not a constant.

Unfortunately, many polyamorous people are hooked on that newly in love feeling. That’s no great surprise, of course. It does feel really good. Friends, it’s not meant to last. It’s meant to get you to bond with someone while being able to overlook that fact, that yes, this person, too, gets eye boogers. It’s not a sign that you have found The One Who Will Make You Happy For The Rest of Your Life.

I am, honest to God, not against romance. I like it very much. I merely want it understood that romance is no more indicative of love than blue eyes is indicative of high blood pressure.

The reason I am cautioning so strongly against this is that it is so very easy to get swept up in the feelings of being newly in love. If you are not presently in a relationship and you find someone, it’s no big deal if you let yourself get all giddy. It is quite a different matter if you are already in a relationship.

Your partner is just as much of a member of your culture as you are. You partner has heard the One True Love fairy tales, might believe on some level that you can only be in love with one person and has seen how you act when you fall in love. Remember when you fell in love with your partner? Your partner probably does. People do crazy things when they fall in love. Your partner knows and remembers this. Certainly, he remembers the time you left school to marry him, dumped an old boyfriend to be with him, switched careers to be able to be close to him, or even ignored some of your own goals to support him while he tried to get a writing career started? She remembers you going into debt to buy her jewelry that you really couldn’t afford and neglecting to pay the rent. She remembers you blowing off your friends to be with her.

Your partner probably isn’t stupid. If you bring up the idea of opening up a relationship, all these things are going to come tumbling out. Don’t do a whole lot of verbal reassurance here. Yes, you need to express your thoughts, but do not go overboard. Make absolutely certain that any actions you take will match your words.

The big issue here is trust. You have to let your actions show the love you profess.

By the way, polyamory is not going to fix a failing relationship. It will mercilessly expose the cracks in your present relationship. So, before you go looking for other partners, do yourself a favor. Get your present relationship straightened out. Are you communicating? Are you listening? Do you know your partner down into her bones? Do you know his dreams? Do you know his fears? Get your relationship between the two of you straightened out first, then go to work on expanding the relationship.

Frankly, I do think for poly to work, you really do have to have a “tell the truth and shame the devil” attitude. I know from experience that the natural inclination is to make sure you only reveal what you think will keep relationships going – whether from pride, or because you feel a partner may not accept an emotion or an opinion, or whatever. It’ll only turn around and bite you, so don’t bother. If you’re comfortable and happy with something, say so. If you’re uncomfortable and unhappy with something, say so. Don’t beat around the bush. Not letting your partner have all the information isn’t actually loving – especially assuming your partner cares deeply for you and your feelings.

When you do this, you might want to consider some ground rules for opening up the relationship. Yeah, I know this is totally contradictory to the whole free love thing, but when the Sixties ended I was still in diapers and when I came of age, AIDS was a tragic reality. More than feelings get hurt when you screw up these days.

These are some ground rules that I have seen people set up in opening their relationships:

1. I must meet your new partner
2. I want Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights to be mine no matter what.
3. I want, if you take a lover, for that person to be lovers with us both.
4. I don’t want to meet or know your new lovers.
5. We agree always to use safer sex practices.
6. I must approve your new partner.
7. I don’t want any rules at all.
8. We will not have sex with other partners in our own bed.
9. We will not have sex with other partners in each others’ hearing.
10. We will only have sex with other partners if both are present.
11. We will reserve specific sex acts/recreational activities only for each other.
12. I want to be considered your primary partner, and all other lovers to be secondary.
13. I want all partners in our various relationships to be considered equally.
14. I want to have other partners, but I do not want you to.
15. You must give any potential lovers full disclosure of what a relationship with you entails, before you become lovers preferably, and this means telling them about all other SO’s, and that your other partners will know about them, and would like to meet them and hopefully become friends and if that is not acceptable then no dice.
16. Don’t lie to significant others.
17. Don’t fall in love with anyone but me.

Obviously, not all of the rules I have seen are compatible with each other. I’m not going to suggest specific ground rules for you and your partner, other than the fact I do think you should decide between yourselves what they should be. Both of you should feel comfortable with them and agree to them freely. The “freely” part is important. You want everyone in the relationship to feel comfortable. Railroad someone into poly and you will have an explosion on your hands. I guarantee it. Even the most submissive of doormats has a breaking point. Show this to your partner and tell her I said that you’re not allowed to try to intimidate her into going poly.

As I will reiterate until you want to scream, communication is essential. A salesperson I know once commented, “If you do not ask, you do not give them the opportunity to say yes.” I’ve always liked that sentiment.

One thing I do recommend, and this is from the experience of observation, is a “speak now or forever hold your peace” rule. I have seen many relationships in which a couple opened up, one of the spouses got involved with someone, then the husband or wife pulls a switch after some weeks or months, telling their spouse that they have to break it off with the new love. I think this is a bad idea.

This does not mean that once your husband has given approval, you can run off, spend 75% percent of your time with your new love and ignore your husband, and he can’t say a word about it. I am not giving blanket permission for people to be self-centered jerks here. Remember, polyamory. Love. That kind of behavior is not at all loving.

What I am saying is: Do not give your approval unless you are very, very sure. Remember, once someone you love gets involved with someone else, there are more people’s feelings involved. If your husband gets involved with someone else, he and his new partner are (hopefully) going to love each other, too. It’s not very nice to permit such a relationship to get started, then jerk the rug out.

There are people who make as a ground rule that the established relationship must come first and that all other relationships are secondary to that. While I am not really big into hierarchy, you are a couple living together, you might find it easier to designate primary and secondary relationships in order to make sure that everyone’s needs are properly taken care of. This is completely up to you and will vary from relationship to relationship. There is no One Right Way to do this, other than making sure everyone is freely agreeing to what is going on.

So, if this still sounds like a good thing, go find your partner and communicate, communicate, communicate!

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041113.html

Mama Java, she said that if one more person wrote her bragged about getting a score of ten on the Group Marriage Quiz , she was gonna rant about it in her column.

Well, one more person did, darn it.

No, I’m not going to rip anyone apart with sarcasm. Well, not much anyway. Hey, I did refrain from titling the column “You’re all Fucking Idiots!”, right? Oh… no credit for that. Ah well, life goes on.

While I don’t want to rip anyone up for their reaction to the quiz, I do want to discuss it because the implications disturb me a bit. First and foremost, the quiz is a joke , people! My wife and I wrote it to amuse ourselves and be totally absurd one afternoon when we had gotten a little too punchy. We thought it was obvious it was a joke and have been astonished over the past four years how often people have taken the quiz seriously.

A low score is not a good test of your relationships skills. Many of the first choices are extremely passive, many are either aggressive or passive aggressive and there are few examples of true assertive communication in the whole quiz. Many of the questions don’t have a truly assertive answer.

So,, little poly chilluns, today we’re going to focus a little on communication styles.

First, is passive communication. I hardly call this communication at all because you’re not speaking up . In passive communication, there is a tendency to put other people before yourself, or let others make decisions for you. The problem with this is that you’re not going to get your wants/needs met except occasionally by accident. It screws with your self-esteem, and often encourages depression. Examples of the passive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Sandwich preference: I have a preference for mayo or mustard. In the example, not you did not say so .
• Re: The spouse that is a reteller: Smile quietly to yourself and entertain yourself by trying to spot changes in the story that make it more dramatic than the last time. You’re not expressing that you really don’t like retelling
• Re: Cooking dinner when you don’t want to: Cook anyway. Everyone has to do things they don’t like to from time to time, and it’s important for everyone to pull his own weight. You’re not expressing your wants/needs
• Re: Watching Austin Powers: Tolerate it. You get to be with your spice, and it’s family time, after all. You’re not expressing that you don’t like the movie. It’s not that tolerating something you don’t like is a bad thing, mind. It’s not expressing your wants/needs that is often counter-productive.

Next, let’s take a look at aggressive communication. Sometimes it is confused with assertiveness, which it is not. Aggressive communication has a sense of blame or sense of manipulation that true assertive communication does not have. In aggressive communication, you’re getting your wants/needs met at the expense of others. It’s a good way to lose relationships, as people don’t like to stick around people who aren’t willing to negotiate. If you’re being aggressive, it is not unusual that you’ll feel weak or taken advantage of internally, ’cause you’re on your guard so much. It can create a cycle of hostility: Examples of the aggressive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Spouse being called into work unexpectedly: Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insist that the spouse not show, blatantly state that the spouse being passive aggressive and really doesn’t want to spend time with the rest of the family, then cancel the outing and spend the entire day fussing at your other spice for the working one’s behavior. If they really loved you and considered the family important, they would have joined you in insisting that the working spouse stay home. Notice there is blame and accusation as well as demands that your wants/needs be met without being willing to discuss the wants/needs of the others.
• Re: The scratch on the car: Call the spouse an idiot, insist that said spouse get a part time job to afford to have the entire car repainted and refuse to allow your spouse within fifty feet of the car. Again, aggressive. The tone is accusatory, and you’re demanding a certain form of behavior and trying to intimidate the person into doing as you want.
• Re: The Reteller: Demand to know if said spouse is capable of saying anything original. Start keeping a database of each instance in which a story is retold and present the tabluated results to your spouse on a regular basis with demands of why you married such an idiot. Again, you’re demanding, accusing and trying to intimidate into getting the behavior you want.

So. Passive-aggressive..

This is probably one of the bigger relationship bogeymen — mostly because it combines the worst of the passive and the aggressive. It’s not unusual to be passive and stuff your feelings ’till you blow, taking your anger out on yourself or others. It’ll screw with your self-esteem, and really screws with learning communication skills. This is a hard one because it’s probably one of the more difficult ones to face in yourself — well, at least I find it hard to face, because it seems so manipulative and weak to me. I don’t like to look at myself that way at all… However, facing what is and avoiding self-blame is a good start to changing what you don’t like, right? Examples of the passive-aggressive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: The Sandwich: I have a preference for mayo or mustard and will go hungry rather than eat the wrong spread. This is a guilt tactic, which is often a sign that passive-aggressive communication is at work. Notice you aren’t saying that you have a strong preference, and that in going hungry, there’s a good chance that someone around you is going to feel bad about it.
• Re: The lack of towels in the bathroom: Note that you happen to be sleeping with the person who is most likely to commit a Towel Offense, re-wash your hands in very COLD water, neglect to shake off excess drops and climb into bed being sure to put your hands in a sensitive but non-erogenous spot. When the spouse awakes, give sarcastic thanks for hanging up the towel. Sarcasm is a hallmark of passive-aggressive communication. Notice also the attempt to cause discomfort. Punishing is also often a passive-aggressive technique.
• Re: Spouse being called in to work: Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insinuate without quite saying so that the spouse is being passive aggressive and really doesn’t want to spend time with the rest of the family, then go on the outing and sulk the entire time. Sulking is another punishing behavior. This one earns several passive-aggressive points because of the indirect communication involved combined with other behaviors!
• In the answers section: If you scored: 10 — I can only assume you are a John Norman fan and aspire to be a Kajira. Email me. I might have a position for you. This is extremely passive-aggressive. It’s a subtle insult (a kajira is a slave in the Gor stories, and is supposed to be passive and obedient in her behavior – something that is not desirable in a non-BDSM 24/7 relationship). It’s also a trap to encourage the person without all the information to contact me without giving all the information, thereby increasing the possibility of punishing behavior when it gets explained. Hey, I write about my faults, too…

So, what with all the stuff that is not productive communication, what is ? How about trying assertiveness? In assertive communication you are honest and direct about what you want, while not blaming. You state how you see the situation, and how you feel about is and ask for what you want/need. Ask , not demand and not insist! You will respect the rights and feelings of others, and it will have a positive effect on most relationships. (Now, if the other person is not willing to join you in assertive communication, it might be productive to examine whether or not the relationship really works for you!). Examples of the assertive style of communication (yes, there are a couple) from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Sleeping arrangements: Politely ask that the sleeping arrangements be reconsidered. You’re asking for what you want. Now, ideally, explaining how you feel is a good idea here, but this is assertive. You’re paying attention to your wants/needs and speaking up in a way that shows you’re willing to negotiate, while trying to be polite to minimize hurt feelings.
• Re: Cooking Dinner: Ask if anyone is willing to be sous-chef and help out. Dinner will be done faster and won’t be as much work. We’ll presume for this example you don’t want to cook dinner because it’s feeling overwhelming. You ask for what you want/need (help).
• Re: Spice spending too much time on the Internet: Ask for a specific time limit. You want to spend time with your spice. You want to spend more time with your spice. You recognize that they want to spend time online, so you’re consider the rights/wants/feelings of the other person, so you ask

A lot of people have trouble with assertive communication because they don’t want to take the risk. You do risk being told no from time to time. You’re not always going to get what you want. But, by using assertive communication, you will not only increase the chances of getting what you want/need, you will also be promoting closeness by minimizing the chances of resentment, anger, upset and hostility. No-one is perfectly assertive all the time (goodness knows I am not), but it’s a good skill to practice to promote good relationships!

Originally posted at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041023.html

I’ve run across a few items in discussion lists lately where people who are experimenting with polyamory have been bemoaning the fact that they can’t “get with the program”, or that they can’t get rid of jealousy, resentment or what have you.

Now, I will be the first to tell someone that resentment, jealousy and such are things you do not want to hold on to. You want to get to the bottom of your feelings, find out why you feel what you do and get rid of it, get over it — do what you have to to deal. Resentment will eat your soul alive and turn you into a very bitter and twisted person. I seriously doubt most people want that for themselves. Jealousy is a sign that something’s amiss and it’s important to get to the bottom of this. Now, understand I am not saying this as someone who never feels either jealous or resentful, or has overcome the problem. I struggle with both on a regular basis in many areas of my life. Neither emotion, by the way, is limited to romantic relationships. In fact, if you have a problem with either, I would say that it’s quite likely these things spill over into other aspects of your life.

As you explore what you’re feeling and why, one very valid and important question to ask yourself is, “Is polyamory really for me?”

It might be. It might not. Things may be changing in you, too. I can recall a time when I was completely cool with casual, light relationships. I enjoyed them and found them fulfilling. As my tastes changed, I recognized I needed to choose relationships that were in harmony with my new tastes. If I didn’t, it could make me unhappy. No biggie. Just choice.

Some questions you might want to ask yourself in trying to decide if polyamory is really for you:

• Why do I want this?

  What do you hope to get out of polyamory? Are you doing it because you’re in love with someone and are afraid you’ll lose him? Are you doing it because you feel it’s “enlightened” somehow? (It’s not. Poly people have about the same general range of enlightenment as the rest of the general population). Do you think that you’ll be happiest either being romantically involved or having the freedom to be romantically involved with more than one person? Are you doing it because your partner has asked for this and you’re happy and relaxed about her being happy? If you’re doing it out of a positive feeling rather than out of fear, you’re more likely to be making a happy choice for yourself.

• If I have worries and fears, why do I want to overcome them?

  Do I feel like my worries and fears are illogical? Do I feel that overcoming these will improve my relationships (the answer here is “yes”, by the way, even if you don’t choose a poly relationship!). Do I actually feel the fears are valid and I’m trying to keep a relationship together that shouldn’t be?

Mostly I am putting this out here because I am worried about people going through contortions to try to “make” themselves do something that is not happy and fulfilling. The choice to be open to polyamorous relationships is such an individual thing, after all. There’s really no value judgment either way, in my own humble opinion.

There’s a flip side to this. Your partner might find polyamory the way that makes her most happy and fulfilled. Then you’re coming up against some hard choices. I know of one couple pretty well where the husband is poly and the wife is not. They’re both happy and relaxed about it. She’s perfectly happy with him forming other relationships, trusts him to be there for her when she needs him and and vice versa. She doesn’t seek other relationships — just not where she’s at. I will note that it seems to work best if the monogamous partner is a very independent person.

If it turns out that your objections to polyamory are because you’d find it difficult for your partner to be forming other relationships, and your partner will be happiest and most fulfilled forming other relationships, then yes, you have a problem. I wish I could give you a pat answer to this one. Unfortunately, there isn’t one. There are a lot of factors to be weighed. How important is it to both of you to continue the relationship — to what lengths are both of you willing to go to do so? As you explore this, the answer will become clearer.

Some people will decide that they want to make themselves as okay as they can be with polyamory to try to preserve the relationship. Sometimes, this works out well, and sometimes it really blows up. Because relationships are such individual things, it’s hard to predict. The only thing that I can really offer here is to own your own feelings and such as your own responsibility and hang on hard to the fact that ultimately, your life is in your own hands — happy or sad, your life is your own to mold, and your happiness is completely in your own hands.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040925.html

In an attempt to Do My Duty to the Polyamorous Community, I requested of the faithful and passionately interested readers of my blog to help me out with something to rant about. (Translation: Mama Java has been boring her readership to tears whining about her lack of interesting subject matter for the Misanthrope column).

In their kindness and infinite generosity (Translation: They responded to shut the old bat up), I was given several amusing things to rant about, among which was this little gem:

So, I’m a 43 year old man and I have a 22 year old girl, um, I mean woman, from the office that I have been dating for the last nine months.  How do I turn my wife polyamorous so she will let Bambi move in.  (BTW — We will be blessed with a child in just under 5 months.) I know that the women will love each other too if they just get to know each other.  They might even want to DO each other. I’d love that.

So, what do you think I should do to make them all do what I want?

This falls into the “If I didn’t laugh, I’d weep.” category for several reasons.  One: It’s funny.  Why is it funny?  ’Cause it happens (hence the weeping, too, ’cause it’s pretty tragic when you look at it).  Two, it doesn’t happen that damned often. and the poly community is insanely suspicious of it.

As a community, we’re often very quick to assume someone is getting into polyamory from bad motives.  This comes from several places that I can see.   Almost any poly person has been burned by the assumption that we’re into it for the sex alone, that we’ve coerced our partners into it, and that we’re screwing up our kids.  Makes us sensitive, it does, and scared that one of those people are going to get involved in polyamory and Make Us All Look Bad.

While I understand the sensitivity, oh God do I ever, I am concerned.  The prickliness is not helping in terms of education. Yeah, we all roll our eyes at the clueless.  I do it, you do it.

Is it helping?

You might point out that you don’t really give a rip.  That’s okay, mind.  You don’t exactly owe the polyamorous community one whit of your time, energy, thoughtfulness or wisdom.  You really don’t .  But, if you consider yourself an activist, or consider yourself someone to whom education about polyamory is important, you might want to rethink your stance at least a little when it comes to the Horny Net Geek, the Completely Clueless, and that ever so charming of all — the Seeker of the Hot Bi Babe.

What’s your goal?  Is it to educate?  Is it to feel superior?  Is it that you have no goal at all, but are frustrated with feeling lumped in with people you don’t admire?  It might do some good to look at this carefully.

I can just hear some of you guys going, “Hey now waitaminute, oh hypocritical Goddess of Java (or should we say Goddess of Sarcasm )! I’ve seen you rip on people looking for Hot Bi Babes.  And the crispness to which you toast someone who says that cheating is a form of polyamory would put a dragon to shame!  Where in hell do you get off with preachin’ the sweetness and light routine?”

Friends, ya live and learn… <grin> and as my beloved mentor will add, “or ya don’t live long.”  It isn’t that I don’t find great release and satisfaction in going off on some idiot who righteously deserves it.  I do.  The problem is judgment.  If the person might be receptive to a little education, the pleasure of the flambé is better laid aside, since my real purpose is to help, for heaven’s sake!

Naw, I’ll never be all sweetness and light.  Ain’t my style.  But, trying to make sure my message gets across most certainly is.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040828.html

“My wife is cool with me getting involved with you, she just doesn’t want to know about it.”

Let’s assume that the person in question here is telling the flat out truth - that he has negotiated that muddy line of polyamory, the Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell relationship.

So, is the DADT relationship polyamory?

That’s an interesting question.   And one I couldn’t care less whether or not ever gets answered definitively.   I am far more interested in whether or not it is ethical.

I have to say that it is ethical - under certain very specific circumstances.

I am one who would be unlikely to get involved in a DADT relationship.   It takes a very long time for me to feel easy in relationships, and I have a strong preference to know my partner’s partners - even become friends with them if that is possible.

But even so, my personal tastes are hardly moral absolutes.  If you follow these guidelines, such a relationship is ethical:

• You must state your intent clearly.

  “Honey, I would like to form sexual relationships with other people, are you okay with that?”

• You must get a yes .

  Nothing less than a direct affirmative is honest here.   No eyerolls, no shrugs and statements of “I don’t care” accompanied by body language that says by God they do, too care! What you want is a direct, “Yes, I am fine with that.  You may have other romantic/sexual relationships, but please do not tell me about them.”

The problem is, of course, that far, far too many people who simply do not understand the nature of love like to play with this one.   You will hear claims along the lines of, “I love my husband and if I wanted to sleep with other men, it would hurt him, so I will not tell him.   This is a loving thing I do.   We have a don’t ask don’t tell arrangement.”

Bull.

You do not have an arrangement of any sort! This is cheating.   You cannot hide behind it, you cannot disguise it.   If you wanna come clean and try polyamory, you might want to check out From Cheating to Polyamory .   But don’t fool yourself.   If you have not specifically negotiated, you’re cheating!

Yes, it’s a bit of a peeve of mine that people try to hide their cheating behind a guise of polyamory.

Problems for the DADT relationship can come in various flavors.   There are people who will agree to it because they don’t like the idea of their partners being involved with other people, and just don’t want to know.   While this can work, the partner who is having other relationships has a serious burden.   You probably will wind up taking nearly all the steps you’d take to cover up an affair.  That can be a real emotional drain.

A member of the PolyFamilies email list commented this to me once:

I just had a thought, don’t know if it might be helpful to you, but maybe the difference between DADT and it’s cousin, “cheating” is that with DADT, if my husband does find out inadvertently, there’s not gonna be a fight or a separation or whatever. Just his hurt feelings and my trying to reassure him that I truly do love him, probably for a really long time. No threat, I guess. Whereas, when I’ve cheated before, it was with a pretty clear understanding that getting caught was considered grounds for ending the relationship by my partner, and/or getting the shit beat out of myself. Maybe when you meet someone who claims to have DADT, you should ask what will happen if the one who doesn’t ask finds out by accident. If it involves lawyers, guns, and money - it’s probably cheating.

I don’t actually consider a truly negotiated DADT relationship a cousin to cheating at all, though.   It’s a legitimately-negotiated agreement.   My own personal tastes and preferences in relationships would call for a great deal more openness and knowledge about my love’s life than that, but…

No, it’s not unethical in the least.