The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041113.html

Mama Java, she said that if one more person wrote her bragged about getting a score of ten on the Group Marriage Quiz , she was gonna rant about it in her column.

Well, one more person did, darn it.

No, I’m not going to rip anyone apart with sarcasm. Well, not much anyway. Hey, I did refrain from titling the column “You’re all Fucking Idiots!”, right? Oh… no credit for that. Ah well, life goes on.

While I don’t want to rip anyone up for their reaction to the quiz, I do want to discuss it because the implications disturb me a bit. First and foremost, the quiz is a joke , people! My wife and I wrote it to amuse ourselves and be totally absurd one afternoon when we had gotten a little too punchy. We thought it was obvious it was a joke and have been astonished over the past four years how often people have taken the quiz seriously.

A low score is not a good test of your relationships skills. Many of the first choices are extremely passive, many are either aggressive or passive aggressive and there are few examples of true assertive communication in the whole quiz. Many of the questions don’t have a truly assertive answer.

So,, little poly chilluns, today we’re going to focus a little on communication styles.

First, is passive communication. I hardly call this communication at all because you’re not speaking up . In passive communication, there is a tendency to put other people before yourself, or let others make decisions for you. The problem with this is that you’re not going to get your wants/needs met except occasionally by accident. It screws with your self-esteem, and often encourages depression. Examples of the passive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Sandwich preference: I have a preference for mayo or mustard. In the example, not you did not say so .
• Re: The spouse that is a reteller: Smile quietly to yourself and entertain yourself by trying to spot changes in the story that make it more dramatic than the last time. You’re not expressing that you really don’t like retelling
• Re: Cooking dinner when you don’t want to: Cook anyway. Everyone has to do things they don’t like to from time to time, and it’s important for everyone to pull his own weight. You’re not expressing your wants/needs
• Re: Watching Austin Powers: Tolerate it. You get to be with your spice, and it’s family time, after all. You’re not expressing that you don’t like the movie. It’s not that tolerating something you don’t like is a bad thing, mind. It’s not expressing your wants/needs that is often counter-productive.

Next, let’s take a look at aggressive communication. Sometimes it is confused with assertiveness, which it is not. Aggressive communication has a sense of blame or sense of manipulation that true assertive communication does not have. In aggressive communication, you’re getting your wants/needs met at the expense of others. It’s a good way to lose relationships, as people don’t like to stick around people who aren’t willing to negotiate. If you’re being aggressive, it is not unusual that you’ll feel weak or taken advantage of internally, ’cause you’re on your guard so much. It can create a cycle of hostility: Examples of the aggressive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Spouse being called into work unexpectedly: Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insist that the spouse not show, blatantly state that the spouse being passive aggressive and really doesn’t want to spend time with the rest of the family, then cancel the outing and spend the entire day fussing at your other spice for the working one’s behavior. If they really loved you and considered the family important, they would have joined you in insisting that the working spouse stay home. Notice there is blame and accusation as well as demands that your wants/needs be met without being willing to discuss the wants/needs of the others.
• Re: The scratch on the car: Call the spouse an idiot, insist that said spouse get a part time job to afford to have the entire car repainted and refuse to allow your spouse within fifty feet of the car. Again, aggressive. The tone is accusatory, and you’re demanding a certain form of behavior and trying to intimidate the person into doing as you want.
• Re: The Reteller: Demand to know if said spouse is capable of saying anything original. Start keeping a database of each instance in which a story is retold and present the tabluated results to your spouse on a regular basis with demands of why you married such an idiot. Again, you’re demanding, accusing and trying to intimidate into getting the behavior you want.

So. Passive-aggressive..

This is probably one of the bigger relationship bogeymen — mostly because it combines the worst of the passive and the aggressive. It’s not unusual to be passive and stuff your feelings ’till you blow, taking your anger out on yourself or others. It’ll screw with your self-esteem, and really screws with learning communication skills. This is a hard one because it’s probably one of the more difficult ones to face in yourself — well, at least I find it hard to face, because it seems so manipulative and weak to me. I don’t like to look at myself that way at all… However, facing what is and avoiding self-blame is a good start to changing what you don’t like, right? Examples of the passive-aggressive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: The Sandwich: I have a preference for mayo or mustard and will go hungry rather than eat the wrong spread. This is a guilt tactic, which is often a sign that passive-aggressive communication is at work. Notice you aren’t saying that you have a strong preference, and that in going hungry, there’s a good chance that someone around you is going to feel bad about it.
• Re: The lack of towels in the bathroom: Note that you happen to be sleeping with the person who is most likely to commit a Towel Offense, re-wash your hands in very COLD water, neglect to shake off excess drops and climb into bed being sure to put your hands in a sensitive but non-erogenous spot. When the spouse awakes, give sarcastic thanks for hanging up the towel. Sarcasm is a hallmark of passive-aggressive communication. Notice also the attempt to cause discomfort. Punishing is also often a passive-aggressive technique.
• Re: Spouse being called in to work: Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insinuate without quite saying so that the spouse is being passive aggressive and really doesn’t want to spend time with the rest of the family, then go on the outing and sulk the entire time. Sulking is another punishing behavior. This one earns several passive-aggressive points because of the indirect communication involved combined with other behaviors!
• In the answers section: If you scored: 10 — I can only assume you are a John Norman fan and aspire to be a Kajira. Email me. I might have a position for you. This is extremely passive-aggressive. It’s a subtle insult (a kajira is a slave in the Gor stories, and is supposed to be passive and obedient in her behavior – something that is not desirable in a non-BDSM 24/7 relationship). It’s also a trap to encourage the person without all the information to contact me without giving all the information, thereby increasing the possibility of punishing behavior when it gets explained. Hey, I write about my faults, too…

So, what with all the stuff that is not productive communication, what is ? How about trying assertiveness? In assertive communication you are honest and direct about what you want, while not blaming. You state how you see the situation, and how you feel about is and ask for what you want/need. Ask , not demand and not insist! You will respect the rights and feelings of others, and it will have a positive effect on most relationships. (Now, if the other person is not willing to join you in assertive communication, it might be productive to examine whether or not the relationship really works for you!). Examples of the assertive style of communication (yes, there are a couple) from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Sleeping arrangements: Politely ask that the sleeping arrangements be reconsidered. You’re asking for what you want. Now, ideally, explaining how you feel is a good idea here, but this is assertive. You’re paying attention to your wants/needs and speaking up in a way that shows you’re willing to negotiate, while trying to be polite to minimize hurt feelings.
• Re: Cooking Dinner: Ask if anyone is willing to be sous-chef and help out. Dinner will be done faster and won’t be as much work. We’ll presume for this example you don’t want to cook dinner because it’s feeling overwhelming. You ask for what you want/need (help).
• Re: Spice spending too much time on the Internet: Ask for a specific time limit. You want to spend time with your spice. You want to spend more time with your spice. You recognize that they want to spend time online, so you’re consider the rights/wants/feelings of the other person, so you ask

A lot of people have trouble with assertive communication because they don’t want to take the risk. You do risk being told no from time to time. You’re not always going to get what you want. But, by using assertive communication, you will not only increase the chances of getting what you want/need, you will also be promoting closeness by minimizing the chances of resentment, anger, upset and hostility. No-one is perfectly assertive all the time (goodness knows I am not), but it’s a good skill to practice to promote good relationships!

Originally posted at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041023.html

I’ve run across a few items in discussion lists lately where people who are experimenting with polyamory have been bemoaning the fact that they can’t “get with the program”, or that they can’t get rid of jealousy, resentment or what have you.

Now, I will be the first to tell someone that resentment, jealousy and such are things you do not want to hold on to. You want to get to the bottom of your feelings, find out why you feel what you do and get rid of it, get over it — do what you have to to deal. Resentment will eat your soul alive and turn you into a very bitter and twisted person. I seriously doubt most people want that for themselves. Jealousy is a sign that something’s amiss and it’s important to get to the bottom of this. Now, understand I am not saying this as someone who never feels either jealous or resentful, or has overcome the problem. I struggle with both on a regular basis in many areas of my life. Neither emotion, by the way, is limited to romantic relationships. In fact, if you have a problem with either, I would say that it’s quite likely these things spill over into other aspects of your life.

As you explore what you’re feeling and why, one very valid and important question to ask yourself is, “Is polyamory really for me?”

It might be. It might not. Things may be changing in you, too. I can recall a time when I was completely cool with casual, light relationships. I enjoyed them and found them fulfilling. As my tastes changed, I recognized I needed to choose relationships that were in harmony with my new tastes. If I didn’t, it could make me unhappy. No biggie. Just choice.

Some questions you might want to ask yourself in trying to decide if polyamory is really for you:

• Why do I want this?

  What do you hope to get out of polyamory? Are you doing it because you’re in love with someone and are afraid you’ll lose him? Are you doing it because you feel it’s “enlightened” somehow? (It’s not. Poly people have about the same general range of enlightenment as the rest of the general population). Do you think that you’ll be happiest either being romantically involved or having the freedom to be romantically involved with more than one person? Are you doing it because your partner has asked for this and you’re happy and relaxed about her being happy? If you’re doing it out of a positive feeling rather than out of fear, you’re more likely to be making a happy choice for yourself.

• If I have worries and fears, why do I want to overcome them?

  Do I feel like my worries and fears are illogical? Do I feel that overcoming these will improve my relationships (the answer here is “yes”, by the way, even if you don’t choose a poly relationship!). Do I actually feel the fears are valid and I’m trying to keep a relationship together that shouldn’t be?

Mostly I am putting this out here because I am worried about people going through contortions to try to “make” themselves do something that is not happy and fulfilling. The choice to be open to polyamorous relationships is such an individual thing, after all. There’s really no value judgment either way, in my own humble opinion.

There’s a flip side to this. Your partner might find polyamory the way that makes her most happy and fulfilled. Then you’re coming up against some hard choices. I know of one couple pretty well where the husband is poly and the wife is not. They’re both happy and relaxed about it. She’s perfectly happy with him forming other relationships, trusts him to be there for her when she needs him and and vice versa. She doesn’t seek other relationships — just not where she’s at. I will note that it seems to work best if the monogamous partner is a very independent person.

If it turns out that your objections to polyamory are because you’d find it difficult for your partner to be forming other relationships, and your partner will be happiest and most fulfilled forming other relationships, then yes, you have a problem. I wish I could give you a pat answer to this one. Unfortunately, there isn’t one. There are a lot of factors to be weighed. How important is it to both of you to continue the relationship — to what lengths are both of you willing to go to do so? As you explore this, the answer will become clearer.

Some people will decide that they want to make themselves as okay as they can be with polyamory to try to preserve the relationship. Sometimes, this works out well, and sometimes it really blows up. Because relationships are such individual things, it’s hard to predict. The only thing that I can really offer here is to own your own feelings and such as your own responsibility and hang on hard to the fact that ultimately, your life is in your own hands — happy or sad, your life is your own to mold, and your happiness is completely in your own hands.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040925.html

In an attempt to Do My Duty to the Polyamorous Community, I requested of the faithful and passionately interested readers of my blog to help me out with something to rant about. (Translation: Mama Java has been boring her readership to tears whining about her lack of interesting subject matter for the Misanthrope column).

In their kindness and infinite generosity (Translation: They responded to shut the old bat up), I was given several amusing things to rant about, among which was this little gem:

So, I’m a 43 year old man and I have a 22 year old girl, um, I mean woman, from the office that I have been dating for the last nine months.  How do I turn my wife polyamorous so she will let Bambi move in.  (BTW — We will be blessed with a child in just under 5 months.) I know that the women will love each other too if they just get to know each other.  They might even want to DO each other. I’d love that.

So, what do you think I should do to make them all do what I want?

This falls into the “If I didn’t laugh, I’d weep.” category for several reasons.  One: It’s funny.  Why is it funny?  ’Cause it happens (hence the weeping, too, ’cause it’s pretty tragic when you look at it).  Two, it doesn’t happen that damned often. and the poly community is insanely suspicious of it.

As a community, we’re often very quick to assume someone is getting into polyamory from bad motives.  This comes from several places that I can see.   Almost any poly person has been burned by the assumption that we’re into it for the sex alone, that we’ve coerced our partners into it, and that we’re screwing up our kids.  Makes us sensitive, it does, and scared that one of those people are going to get involved in polyamory and Make Us All Look Bad.

While I understand the sensitivity, oh God do I ever, I am concerned.  The prickliness is not helping in terms of education. Yeah, we all roll our eyes at the clueless.  I do it, you do it.

Is it helping?

You might point out that you don’t really give a rip.  That’s okay, mind.  You don’t exactly owe the polyamorous community one whit of your time, energy, thoughtfulness or wisdom.  You really don’t .  But, if you consider yourself an activist, or consider yourself someone to whom education about polyamory is important, you might want to rethink your stance at least a little when it comes to the Horny Net Geek, the Completely Clueless, and that ever so charming of all — the Seeker of the Hot Bi Babe.

What’s your goal?  Is it to educate?  Is it to feel superior?  Is it that you have no goal at all, but are frustrated with feeling lumped in with people you don’t admire?  It might do some good to look at this carefully.

I can just hear some of you guys going, “Hey now waitaminute, oh hypocritical Goddess of Java (or should we say Goddess of Sarcasm )! I’ve seen you rip on people looking for Hot Bi Babes.  And the crispness to which you toast someone who says that cheating is a form of polyamory would put a dragon to shame!  Where in hell do you get off with preachin’ the sweetness and light routine?”

Friends, ya live and learn… <grin> and as my beloved mentor will add, “or ya don’t live long.”  It isn’t that I don’t find great release and satisfaction in going off on some idiot who righteously deserves it.  I do.  The problem is judgment.  If the person might be receptive to a little education, the pleasure of the flambé is better laid aside, since my real purpose is to help, for heaven’s sake!

Naw, I’ll never be all sweetness and light.  Ain’t my style.  But, trying to make sure my message gets across most certainly is.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040828.html

“My wife is cool with me getting involved with you, she just doesn’t want to know about it.”

Let’s assume that the person in question here is telling the flat out truth - that he has negotiated that muddy line of polyamory, the Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell relationship.

So, is the DADT relationship polyamory?

That’s an interesting question.   And one I couldn’t care less whether or not ever gets answered definitively.   I am far more interested in whether or not it is ethical.

I have to say that it is ethical - under certain very specific circumstances.

I am one who would be unlikely to get involved in a DADT relationship.   It takes a very long time for me to feel easy in relationships, and I have a strong preference to know my partner’s partners - even become friends with them if that is possible.

But even so, my personal tastes are hardly moral absolutes.  If you follow these guidelines, such a relationship is ethical:

• You must state your intent clearly.

  “Honey, I would like to form sexual relationships with other people, are you okay with that?”

• You must get a yes .

  Nothing less than a direct affirmative is honest here.   No eyerolls, no shrugs and statements of “I don’t care” accompanied by body language that says by God they do, too care! What you want is a direct, “Yes, I am fine with that.  You may have other romantic/sexual relationships, but please do not tell me about them.”

The problem is, of course, that far, far too many people who simply do not understand the nature of love like to play with this one.   You will hear claims along the lines of, “I love my husband and if I wanted to sleep with other men, it would hurt him, so I will not tell him.   This is a loving thing I do.   We have a don’t ask don’t tell arrangement.”

Bull.

You do not have an arrangement of any sort! This is cheating.   You cannot hide behind it, you cannot disguise it.   If you wanna come clean and try polyamory, you might want to check out From Cheating to Polyamory .   But don’t fool yourself.   If you have not specifically negotiated, you’re cheating!

Yes, it’s a bit of a peeve of mine that people try to hide their cheating behind a guise of polyamory.

Problems for the DADT relationship can come in various flavors.   There are people who will agree to it because they don’t like the idea of their partners being involved with other people, and just don’t want to know.   While this can work, the partner who is having other relationships has a serious burden.   You probably will wind up taking nearly all the steps you’d take to cover up an affair.  That can be a real emotional drain.

A member of the PolyFamilies email list commented this to me once:

I just had a thought, don’t know if it might be helpful to you, but maybe the difference between DADT and it’s cousin, “cheating” is that with DADT, if my husband does find out inadvertently, there’s not gonna be a fight or a separation or whatever. Just his hurt feelings and my trying to reassure him that I truly do love him, probably for a really long time. No threat, I guess. Whereas, when I’ve cheated before, it was with a pretty clear understanding that getting caught was considered grounds for ending the relationship by my partner, and/or getting the shit beat out of myself. Maybe when you meet someone who claims to have DADT, you should ask what will happen if the one who doesn’t ask finds out by accident. If it involves lawyers, guns, and money - it’s probably cheating.

I don’t actually consider a truly negotiated DADT relationship a cousin to cheating at all, though.   It’s a legitimately-negotiated agreement.   My own personal tastes and preferences in relationships would call for a great deal more openness and knowledge about my love’s life than that, but…

No, it’s not unethical in the least.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040814.html

If you’re poly, one of the things you sometimes deal with is doing what you can to help people feel comfortable in multiple relationships. Sometimes, one person or another feels insecure… It happens, and doesn’t have to be a huge hairy deal.

One of the things that can help is the “little things”. These are the, “I’m thinking about you and care about you” gestures.

What brings it to mind is my own life. I have a boyfriend who… Well, the man is an extrovert the likes of which God has never seen. He’s got a lot of people in his life, and I don’t just mean sexual relationships, but many, many friendships and responsibilities that take his time and energy. I am quite introverted, so am the opposite, for the most part, and I tend to channel my interests and relationships into fewer areas/people than he does. It could cause a woman to wonder, “How much do I really mean to him?”

Except for the little things.

We work near each other. This morning, as I was making coffee (hey, Superman was a mild-mannered reporter. I can be a mild-mannered secretary, right?), he shows up in my office to give me a hug and a kiss. A totally simple gesture - he didn’t spend more than three minutes at my office. But, it meant a great deal.

We do things like this in our relationships all the time. The thing is to make sure that it’s an individual thing. These “little things” vary from person to person. I like having doors opened for me, and chairs held for me and all the courtly little things. There are people that do not. I have a love that really enjoys it when I curl on up a cushion at his feet and rest my head on his knee when he’s sitting in a chair. I have another love who would find that gesture uncomfortable. It’s a matter of really getting to know your loves and what makes them feel loved.

So, why do these little gestures mean so much?

They prove you’re doing something very important - paying attention to the person you love. It means that you’ve taken the time to learn what little things mean something and that you’ve taken the time to do it.

A book I highly recommend is 1001 Ways To Be Romantic, by Gregory Godek. Mr. Godek goes into detail about the individuality of making the little gestures and gives a lot of ideas. (It does seem to be a bit flowers and chocolate oriented, mind, but the part about paying attention to your love and what pleases your love is a good one).

So what sorts of things make good “little gestures”? (These are a list of random things that friends and loves like. Remember what I said about this being pretty individual. Paying attention is tantamount).

• Saying “I love you”. Hey, short and obvious!
• Footrubs
• Kissing a love on the back of the neck as you walk by and he’s bent over a video game
• Bringing a love a cup of coffee or tea in the morning
• Love notes left in odd places
• Love notes in general. Ain’t email grand?
• Little trinkets that might have individual meaning between you and a love

This isn’t and shouldn’t be a mechanical thing. I am loathe to give out a lot of examples, because it is individual and unique to every person. The important part is to let your loves know in small ways from time to time that you are thinking about them - letting them know you care.

Originally posted on

 http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope200405.html

In my interactions with the online poly community, one of the phrases I often hear is, “Oh it would be selfish of me to ask for X.   I can’t do that !”

My first reaction is often an eyeroll.   My own philosophy is such that I do not consider the concept of selfishness a great evil — or evil at all.   In fact, the contortions people go through to prevent themselves from being or being seen as selfish often cause more trouble than true callous self-centeredness actually would.   This is not to say that I recommend that you be callously self-centered.   No, no, no.   I am all about love and being loving.   Really.   I’m just not very fluffy bunny about it.

But selfish? Honestly, I think the poly community could do with a little more selfishness.   Before you run off and insist on your own way and cite this article as your excuse, though, please finish this article so I can explain what I mean.   If I find out you’ve shoved something down someone’s throat citing me or my word as an excuse, You Shall Incur the Wrath of the Goddess of Java.

One of the biggest problems I see is that people do not ask for what they want. Now, I am picking my words with extreme care, here.   I did not say “demand” “insist” or any of the other of a long string of words that imply a high emotive connection to getting what you want, or strong negative consequences if you don’t.   I said and meant “ask”.

Asking means you’re open to being told “no”.   It means you’re open to analyzing the essence of what you do want so that you and the person you are asking can come to an agreement that, in business jargon, is a win/win situation.

I mean, come on, if you’re poly and you’re asking for something in a relationship, you love the person, right? One of the things you really do want is for the partner to be happy and satisfied, too.   (If it isn’t on your list of wants, I would question whether or not that is a loving relationship).

With that in mind, let’s approach a classic poly situation.

Hepzibah and Albert are married.   Albert is also dating Megan.   Now Megan knows that she is a secondary, and because of this is insecure about asking for too much.   So, even though she wants to spend more time with Albert, she doesn’t ask out of fear of it being too much to ask for and perhaps annoying Hepzibah to the point of wanting to ask Albert to discontinue the relationship.

While it does take a fair amount of guts, one thing Megan can do is quite simply ask for the time anyway.   She can ask that they all sit down together to discuss the matter, and then say something along the lines of, “I would enjoy it very much if I could spend a couple of nights a week with Albert.   Could we discuss some sort of schedule?”

Now, what if Hepzibah is not really cool with Albert being away two nights a week.   They both have jobs and children and other commitments in their lives.   Here’s a point where Hepzibah needs to express her concerns.   “Megan, I know you want to see him, and I don’t blame you.  But here’s the deal.   I’m in night school and on the nights I am at home, I’m studying while Albert takes care of the kids.   Would you be okay with a grown up date night, where things can be completely kidless, and then another evening where you guys hang out around here, look after the kids and still spend some time together so I can get some studying done? To be honest, that’s still leaving me with little kidless time with Albert myself, but I can deal with that until I get my degree next semester.   After my degree is done, I really am going to want more time to reconnect with him.”

Notice that both Hepzibah and Megan are quite clear on what they want and why.   It is absolutely futile to enter into negotiations until you do know, what you want, why you want it and how much of what you want will satisfy you.

Albert probably has his own needs and wants at this point, too.   “Hepzibah, actually, I am not cool with us never getting any alone time.   I feel like eight months is longer than I want to go without keeping up with our connection.   I know school is overwhelming, but I think things will go more smoothly if we do devote some time to each other, too.   Megan, would you be okay with a date night for you and I and then maybe babysitting the kids another night while Hepzibah and I go out?”

Notice here, everyone’s immediate wants are a little different.   Notice also, that they are being very clear about what they really want and are not getting caught up and fixated on what they think will give them what they want.   Megan wants more time.   She doesn’t fixate on specific days of the week when what she really wants is more time.   Hepzibah wants time to study without having to keep an ear out for the kids.   Albert wants to spend more time with Hepzibah.

They all offer solutions, you notice.   Now there is a difference between offering a solution and having an attachment to it.   For this sort of thing, you need to offer and release attachment.   If Albert, Hepzibah and Megan keep on being selfish, really into and clearly understanding what they want, as well as being careful to communicate it well, they’ll do fine in their relationships.

It’s a bad idea not to ask for what you want.

It’s a worse idea not to take the time to find out what it is that you really want.   If you haven’t analyzed this, it is impossible to ask for it.   Take the time to know the essence of what it is you truly want.   You absolutely must do this before negotiations are going to work.   This is not to say that sometimes, in the middle of talking, you realize you hadn’t had as clear a handle on the essence of what you wanted as you thought.   That’s okay.   It can happen.   (I’ve had it happen to me in some amazingly entertaining ways!) Make sure when you get these little moments that you say so .   The people that came up with Communicate, Communicate, Communicate as the Polyamory Mantra were smart people.   Pay attention to that.

And maybe, after a few years of the Poly Training Ground, you’ll make a great living as a mediator or negotiator.   <snicker>