The Polyamorous Misanthrope » Guest Column

On Gaslighting

Goddess of Java — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 18:43:06 +0000

This guest column was written by Peter J. Vinton, Jr., aka The Prince.

It’s Just A Trifle

Lily innocuously asks a favor of you one day. Say, a quick phone call asking you to pick up her friend Orlando in front of the hardware store, and then to drop him off at the grocery store, where he works. Both stops are on the way to your work, so it won’t be any extra time or mileage out of your way. She gives you a pickup time of 6:30. This is perhaps ten minutes earlier than you normally pass by the hardware store, but you figure it’s no real problem and you agree.

The next day you swing by the hardware store at 6:30. Orlando is there, along with his friend Shnerf who also works at the grocery store, and he asks if this individual can also ride along. You don’t want to leave this person stranded and make him late for work, so you agree. The ride is uneventful; both of these strangers are polite and cordial. You drop off both Orlando and Shnerf at the grocery store, they express their thanks, and you’re on your way.

That evening you get a text (not a call) from Lily, asking if you wouldn’t mind showing up at the hardware store at 6:15 tomorrow. You’re a little puzzled; you didn’t explicitly agree to more than one day, but Lily insists that you did. Since you don’t have anything in writing (a text or an email), you’re not able to effectively argue the point. The next morning you swing by the hardware store at 6:15 and sure enough, Orlando is waiting, but Shnerf is running a few minutes late. After some delay, the three of you are on your way by 6:30 and you drop them off at the grocery store at the same time as yesterday. Again, since you yourself aren’t being made to arrive late to work, it’s not really an issue. Your day passes normally. Nobody calls or texts you that evening and you figure this 2-day run of weirdness is over.

The next morning, you proceed to work at your normal time. As you pass the hardware store at 6:40, Orlando and Shnerf are standing out in front, wildly waving and trying to get your attention. They’re both upset and flustered because “you’re more than 25 minutes late.” On the way Shnerf apologizes for being a bother, but that he needs to swing past the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for his mother. This takes you a few streets (and about 10 minutes) out of your way. You don’t want to make your passengers later for work than they already are, and you also don’t want to penalize Shnerf’s poor uninvolved mother, so you agree. You drop off Orlando and Shnerf at the grocery store 15 minutes late for their shift. As Orlando steps out of the car he asks if you can swing by the hardware store 15 minutes earlier tomorrow “to make up for the shortfall.” Adding to the confusion is the fact that you now don’t know if he means 15 minutes earlier than yesterday, or 15 minutes earlier than the first day, when all this began.

See what’s started happening here? Graphing things out from this point, it’s easy to envision that over time you’re somehow leaving your house earlier and earlier every morning, and yet at the same time arriving to work later and later. An element of chaos has been injected into your life, and you wonder how it got this way. Even more disconcerting, when you try to do a mental recap, you discover to your great discomfort that you can’t even pinpoint exactly when it started becoming this big of a hassle. Worst of all, in the absence of any hard facts or clearly-communicated agreements or intentions, you start questioning your own memory, a worry which piles itself on top of all the other difficulties.

Everyone must accept some share of the blame here: 1) Lily for not decisively explaining the exact need; 2) Orlando for failing to give you a heads-up about a second rider; 3) Shnerf for just assuming you’ll accommodate him; and of course 4) the person pictured on your driver’s license for not putting your foot down at… well, at some point. You’re not sure when.

Some Working Definitions

Gaslighting is an expression that refers to a deliberate act of psychological manipulation; while it doesn’t necessarily imply malevolent intent, it certainly lends itself to malevolence. The term comes from the Patrick Hamilton play Gas Light, in which the character Jack uses a variety of tricks, including incrementally turning the gas lamps lower and lower over time, to convince his wife Bella that she is consistently misremembering facts and is therefore crazy.[1] One example of gaslighting in literature is in Roald Dahl’s humorous story The Twits, in which every night the husband surreptitiously glues a penny-sized sliver of wood to his wife’s walking stick, making it appear to grow ever longer over time, to the effect of ultimately convincing his wife that she is in fact shrinking. Another telling example of gaslighting in literature appears in Frank Tashlin’s The Bear That Wasn’t, in which an unsuspecting bear is consistently told by ever higher and higher-ranking individuals that he is not really a bear but
“a silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat;” to the point where the bear himself begins insisting –to other bears– that he is in fact just “a silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat.” The 2005 film Flightplan revolves around a systematic attempt to convince Jodie Foster’s character that that she is entirely mistaken about her daughter’s disappearance, and the conflict between what she remembers versus what she is being told, drives her very nearly insane. It might even be argued that the 2010 science-fiction film Inception represents a complex, drawn-out act of deliberate gaslighting; a team of professional swindlers manipulates the “mark” below three layers of subconscious, making him believe that a deliberately planted falsehood is in fact an idea he came up with entirely on his own.

Convincing a person that their memory is not in accord with the facts ultimately leads to a distorted view of reality and an inability to trust one’s own judgment. The desired end result is usually to foster a sense of extreme dependence (often on the part of a spouse or significant other); that the victim desperately needs the gaslighter to help him/her remember facts correctly. The abuser may, for example, move objects from their original locations and then insist that the victim in fact misplaced them. The abuser may consistently deny ever having said a thing (that was in fact said), or may repeatedly insist that their victim did in fact a say a thing (that was in fact never said). The victim eventually comes to believe the gaslighter’s definitions of “what really happened” and accept this false projection as truth.

Creeping concessions is an expression coined by The Polyamorous Misanthrope[2] and it refers to any situation in which a friend, romantic partner, or an employer (or even a government), incrementally expects more and more out of a person –a little extra time, a little more money, a little extra help, a teensy indulgence, a few more “other duties as assigned.” Since the requests for “something extra” never amount to much on their own merits (after all, what’s one more dollar or just five more minutes?), it might seem selfish or unreasonable to refuse. Next thing you know, you’ve lost large amounts of money and/or huge chunks of time to something you’re pretty sure you didn’t explicitly agree.

Again it would appear that childrens’ literature may provide one of the best illustrative examples: the entire plot of Laura Numeroff’s If You Give A Mouse A Cookie may be safely said to be an ever-escalating string of creeping concessions.

Taken together, creeping concessions and gaslighting can be a formidable obstacle. Both are very slippery to pin down, very hard to detect. At a surface level, the gaslighters almost always come across as affable (even charming) and entirely reasonable. By the same token, the creeping concession almost always begins as an entirely reasonable request; a trifle, certainly nothing worth worrying about.

Even the example given at the beginning of this essay is hard to decisively attribute to a deliberate act of gaslighting or a deliberate act of creeping concessions; indeed there may be no malevolent intent at all (not on Orlando or Shnerf’s part, and perhaps not even consciously on Lily’s part), yet events have still snowballed into something unmanageable.

Okay, I Get It, It’s Hard to Define. So: How Do I Guard Against It?

Gaslighting and creeping concessions, particularly when taken together, can be especially brutal on relationships. These twin forms of psychological abuse can destroy self-esteem, alienate, and lead to depression (potentially even suicide). Both acts ultimately lead to a loss of control over one’s own perceptions and priorities. Psychologically defined as forms of ambient abuse, they can be employed to trick the victim into staying in an abusive relationship (or employment situation), induce an ever-present sense of disorientation, or to erode the victim’s own confidence in themselves, to the point of even seeing themselves as the antagonist and their abuser as the one who must endure the suffering.

Perceptions aren’t easy to refute –after all, the truism “You see the world from where you sit” applies to everyone regardless of their station in life. This includes people who are being systematically and deliberately lied to. Whether you are a bear or just a silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat, it is perception that drives everything else about you.

So how do we reconcile actual truth with what we are being told?

First and perhaps foremost, gut instincts often go a long way toward unraveling the gaslighter’s plans. If your boss or your friend or your significant other seems to repeat phrases like “no, we talked about this already, don’t you remember?” a little too often, this might well be a warning sign –particularly if the “don’t you remember?” applies to your own preferences (i.e., what you like versus what you dislike) more so than actual events –when your memory is openly challenged, doubted, or outright refuted, it is time to pay attention.

While nobody’s gut instinct is infallible, there’s a lot to be said for following a hunch. Your intuition is there for a reason –make a habit of listening to it.[3] Admittedly sometimes it may be in error, just as surely as your other five senses might occasionally misidentify a smell or a taste or a sound, but the simple fact is: they’re not usually wrong. Neither is your intuition.

Second, write that stuff down.

No, seriously. Write that stuff down

Lily may or may not have been the instigator in the opening scenario, but she certainly didn’t help matters by asking the original favor over the phone and not via text or by e-mail. Whether it’s just jotting a quick reminder in a calendar or archiving every email ever sent or received, a little documentation goes a long way towards establishing where perceptions diverged from reality.[4] Pay particular attention if the individual is actively discouraging you from making any kind of written record (i.e., “Oh, you can remember that. You don’t need to write that down.”) Again, the direct challenge to your memory could be a sign of something deeper. Ignore the slight and write it down anyway.

Finally, how’s your personal account balance? Not just your bank account, but your own personal time bank? Does it seem to be diminishing, and not just for the usual reasons (you’re a parent, you devote a lot of time to a particular hobby or enthusiasm, you work a lot of hours)? Does it ever seem as though, far from being able to plan things out in any kind of long-term, that you’re instead hopping from one emergency to the next, and that there’s never quite enough time to satisfactorily resolve Problem No. 81 before Problem No. 82 crash-lands on you? Does it feel as though there’s a consistent pattern of never-quite-resolved turmoil, and that brief moments of relative calm are just that: brief? A state of constant crisis is not healthy, be it a friendship, a romantic relationship, a term of employment, or a government in relation to its own citizens. Conduct periodic audits of your time bank (and be just as ruthless about it as an IRS agent). There could well be some creeping concessions lurking just out of view; somewhere back in the fogginess of your own memory, the mouse may have demanded more than just a cookie. Repeated patterns of sleep deprivation and never-ending financial shortfalls could conceivably also serve as a heads-up. [5] Again, see what your gut instinct has to say about it.

Your memory is one of the very few possessions that you get to keep with you for your entire lifetime, and anything that threatens its integrity is by definition paralyzingly fearful. People far wiser than I have generated a great deal of informative literature on the dual subjects of gaslighting and creeping concessions, and I would recommend them heartily, starting with the various footnotes in this essay. They are excellent building blocks and I sincerely hope the knowledge contained in them might offer some hope to anyone who might find themselves at the wrong end of this kind of ambient abuse.

[1] Taverniers, Karen. “Gaslighting in Controlling Relationships.”

[2] http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/07/15/being-used/

[3] King, Jeanne, www.preventabusiverelationships.com

[4] Stern, Robin. “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.”

[5] A Message From Men To Women: You Are Not “Crazy.” www.thehiddenconscience.com

Peter Vinton Jr. lives in northern New England where he not only finally got around to graduating college at the age of 35 but also figured out how to put his creepy-ass deep voice to work as a computer instructor, mostly by scaring his students (even the 65 year-old ones with multiple doctorates) into making it to class on time. He still teaches, draws/paints scantily-clad superhero-babes as a sideline, and wears his hair long even when he doesn’t have to. He has recently solved the Great Vermont Corn Maze. Vinton remains a Cancer but wants to “keep his options open” and hasn’t ruled out being a Libra or perhaps even a Pisces someday.

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Patient Griselda, or, Minding the Gap

Goddess of Java — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 12:20:35 +0000

Mama Java is lounging on the beach right now. Well, okay RIGHT NOW, I’m probably getting sunscreen on squirming little children, collecting beach chairs and making sure everyone has their towels, but I am at the beach this week. Here’s a column from Rain Hannah. Enjoy!

It can be easy, when you’ve been doing this poly thing for a while, to get complacent and fool yourself into thinking you’ve got it nailed. I guarandamntee you that you don’t have it nailed. Not a one of us does.

I’d like to get “Mind the Gap” tattooed on my forehead so that the next time I start feeling all like Saint Griselda, Patient Patroness Of Good Poly, I remember that I’m about to fall onto the third rail and get roasted with my own hubris.

You see… there will be times in any relationship, mono or poly, where the shit hits the fan. Where, because of work, conflicts, new relationships or ghost spiders from Mars, things may not be as harmonious as you would like. Perhaps, in that event, you assure yourself that things will get better when the ghost spiders from Mars have been removed from the equation. That if you are just patient and deal with it bravely, it will all be okay in the morning and everything will get back to “normal.”

Allow me to venture a few thoughts, to elaborate upon the theme of patience. It is fine to be patient. It is good to be patient. It is noble, wonderful, kind, gentle and all manner of good things. It is important, in life, to acknowledge that shit happens (constantly), and behave like an adult when it does. Sometimes it isn’t all about you and you just need to sit on your hands for a while until things get sorted, because other people really need your patience and good sense to win out or things won’t work. Here is where it gets tricky: you have to be on your guard about letting patience turn into something less healthy. Ask yourself… “Why am I doing this?”

Seriously. Ask yourself. Take a little extra time to examine your motives. That, ultimately, is the point of this wee essay.

I fell into this pitfall recently. Shit happened, like it does, and my partners needed some space to work things out. I, wanting them to be okay, happily gave them the space and time that they needed. I was patient. I behaved like an adult. I was being Generous to my partners and here is the rub. I realized later that I wasn’t really being generous. I was being selfish as all get out. I, very temporarily, stuck my needs on the back burner, because other people’s needs were more pressing. Let me say up front, that was okay. What wasn’t okay was the extent to which I took it or why I was doing it. What wasn’t okay – and I didn’t figure this out until later – was that somehow, deep down, I thought that there would be some kind of a reward in it for me. Some emotional reward, a special cookie, something I hadn’t really asked for but felt I’d earned with my patience and self-sacrifice.

Hey does that last line sound familiar? Oh my GOD it totally does! It was the whole Brave Little Toaster thing, only in the short term, looking very different, and there was no bad guy! That attitude? That was not so grown up. It was not so generous or patient. It was… I don’t know what it was, but absolutely the opposite of what I was aiming for. That attitude stinks.

“They got special cookies,” my subconscious said. “That means I get equal special cookies because I’ve been so patient and good. I’ve been Super Nice and a Good Poly Partner and now I am going to be rewarded with extra love and attention!”

Yeah, not so much with that.

I was rewarded with plenty of loving appreciation, but I did not get the special cookies I wanted. My cookie jar pretty much stayed about the same. There was no magical sparkle pony moment with ice cream and a parade, either. When these things failed to materialize, I might have behaved badly. I was resentful and angry because I didn’t get what I thought I deserved, in return for being so awesome.

The glitch in my mental scenario was easy to identify once I sat down and thought about it. My partners did not agree to give me special cookies in return for being so awesome. That was not part of the arrangement we made. That was something I filled in by myself, an expectation I penciled into the margins after they’d signed off. I got actively pissed off at my partners because they’d taken me up on what I’d freely offered and then I didn’t even get a cookie.

It gets worse. I used the situation to justify acting like some saintly, long suffering martyr. I got off on feeling really sorry for myself. I caught myself behaving in ways that were subtly guaranteed to make my partners feel guilty for taking me up on my offer in the first place. That was when I realized that I had my head up my ass and needed to remove it, stat.

It would be easy for me to wallow in shame about all this, but I’m considering it to be another level of a lesson I will probably spend the rest of my life learning. I’m grateful for the opportunity. Embarrassed, sure. Publicly so, if this gets published[1]. But I think it is important enough to risk that.

It isn’t always the big things. It isn’t always the long term things, the huge life issues. Sometimes it is the simple things, the small things, that trip us up and make us act in ways that are not so cool. Our partners take us at our word, and so it is important to make sure that our word and the agreements that we make are coming from an honest place, not from a place of unspoken expectation. Sometimes our motivations aren’t as altruistic as we think they are and sometimes everyone isn’t on board the cookie train because they didn’t know there was an agreement. Getting that stuff straight is important. Patience in the face of overwhelming trouble is good. Knowing why you are being patient and being upfront with yourself and your loves about what (if anything) you expect in return is better. It’s okay to ask for something in return. But you gotta ask.

Mind the gap, kids. It’s there.

[1] Editor’s note: It did. You masochist, you!

Patient Griselda, or, Minding the Gap

Used by permission

Rainy Hannah is a polyamorous woman living in Southern California with way too much yarn, too many cats, a couple of kids, and a Very Good Dog. She has been there, done that.

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Tips To Couples Looking to Add an Additional Person Into Their Relationship

Goddess of Java — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 04:00:12 +0000

This column is written by guest author Holly Bernabe. She wrote it to try to help people posting sex or relationship ads to polyamorous discussion list why the list reaction tended to be less than stellar, and to help them be successful in finding the relationships they wanted.

I received your email/ad on my group list/social networking site, etc. And I’ve got some advice for you:

When looking for an addition, look locally. I’m likely in a state you aren’t in. You’re in BFE, wherever. Why are you looking out of state? LDRs are possible, but pretty hard to accomplish. Are you expecting the new person to move to your state?
Write intelligently. I don’t generally bother writing back to people who can’t write a full sentence with proper use of punctuation and spelling. I know in this day and age of IM-ing and cell phone text messaging, everything is getting dumbed down for sake of brevity. But in an email where you are introducing yourself, brevity is a MISTAKE. Brevity sounds like someone who has no education and is an idiot! For crying out loud, make an effort. First impressions are important. Is the first impression you want to leave your potential new spice with one of idiocy or laziness?
If you are going to bother to create a blanket email ad to post on a group list to try and find an addition to your family, add some detail to your email so you don’t look like a spambot. Blather on about your details and add some interesting quotes and so on so that we have some way of judging who the heck you are, so that we can figure out whether or not we even want to give you the time of day, let alone get to know you. As it is, I have no idea what kind of music you like, what you like to do for fun, what movies you like, or anything else about you. Your email is a meaningless blank slate.
Sign up for okCupid and let us know how to find you on that site. That way, if people want to check you out some more, they can. OkCupid is poly friendly and has some fun features. Lots of poly people are signed up there, already.
If you have joined a poly list, ask the list some questions. Join in on some discussions before you post your ad. Then we will know that you’ve even bothered to READ our list and that you really are interested and you aren’t just spamming thousands of people out there with generic messages in hopes by playing the numbers someone will bother to write back to you. If you had bothered to read our list, you would know we allow most any type of post–however, we PREFER discussion and don’t like personals ads very much that have no personal information. If you had read our list at all, you likely wouldn’t have spammed our inboxes in the first place with your ad.
Read the discussions on our list and make friends. Then privately, if you all really dig someone, and you think they might like you, too, you can pursue them off list, if you feel that is an appropriate course of action.

Follow those tips, and maybe you’ll have some luck on our list.

Tips To Couples Looking to Add an Additional Person Into Their Relationship

Holly Bernabe is a film student and mom of two (five counting the fuzzbucket dog, the spastic cat and the hubby). Her biggest wish in life is to figure out how to stop time, so that she can cram into the day everything (and everyone) that she wants to do.

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Perspective: Grab Some — it’s FREE!

Goddess of Java — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 04:00:26 +0000

This guest column is by Edward Martin, III

This is something I don’t understand.

If I say “There’s no such thing as a white pigeon” and someone shows me a white pigeon, I have to admit I’m wrong, right? I mean, there’s the pigeon. It’s white.

And there’s no harm in BEING wrong, near as I can tell. Maybe I had never SEEN white pigeons before, or had been told by someone claiming to be a zoologist that no pigeon can be white, but once I’m looking at a white pigeon, you would think the gig is pretty much up, right? I mean, it doesn’t get more complicated than “Well, I guess I was wrong — there ARE white pigeons.”

So, I readjust that part of my head. You won’t catch me telling people “There are no white pigeons” because, well, that would just be stupid of me.

So, there’s that.

Now, on the other hand, think of all the divorces going on. Think of all the breakups, the miserable marriages ended even more miserably.

Think of all the violence done upon someone by their own partner. It’s so popular that there’s a special NAME for it: “domestic violence.”

What the fuck kind of situation could be so screwed up it would provide a phrase such as “domestic violence”? Man!

Yet, at no point in time do people in general say “See, marriage doesn’t work. Partnering with someone else just doesn’t work.” They don’t! They might say “Well, of COURSE it can work, but both folks have to want it to, and they have to be somewhat compatible.” (or some nice variation).

These are two examples of some really dingleberry perspective.

Let’s look at the first one.

You can’t throw a rock on a poly board or thread without hitting someone who is convinced it just can’t work. Definitely OUTSIDE of such an environment, you’ll find all sorts of people insisting there are no white pigeons — er, I mean, insisting that relationships with multiple partners can’t work.

This is, of course, odd to hear if you happen to be a part of a relationship that IS, in fact, working quite well, thank-you-very-much. There are lots of them out there, in fact, all defying the odds and exhibiting their audacious streak by, well, by WORKING.

So, they can work. Quite well, in fact.

Now let’s look at the second thing above.

Everybody has relationship troubles here and there. It’s natural. It’s fine. It’s expected. But it’s not necessarily a result of the structure. Multiple partners is not a system that is that much more difficult than any other relationship situation.

So, on those occasions when a relationship falls apart, it just doesn’t make one whit of sense why people would blame the shatter on the fact that there are more than two adults involved. It’s a complete red herring! The problem is with one or more of the people involved, or their personal issues, or some incompatibility between two or more members of a group.

It has nothing to do with having multiple partners — in fact, the folks I know who seem most convinced that multiple partners just can’t work are usually the folks who wind up cheating on their partners and causing all sorts of dramatic fuss.

This is not to say ALL of ’em are like this. Just every single one I’ve ever seen.

And I’ve been watching for a long time.

So, I think it’s about time those two chunks of nitwittery were finally laid to rest. Multiple partner relationships CAN work because for many people, it simply DOES. Also, as a corollary, if a relationship fails, breaks down, or goes ’splody, it probably has NOTHING to do with the fact that it’s multiple partners — just the people involved.

Okay, I think that’s about enough for tonight.

Used by permission

Edward Martin III’s a writer and filmmaker living in the Pacific Northwest. Other essays and reflections of his can be found at http://www.petting-zoo.org/NonFiction.html and his movies can be found at http://www.guerrilla-productions.org/ he also does these animations: http://www.petting-zoo.org/Hardcore.html

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The Care and Feeding of Unicorns

Goddess of Java — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 04:00:09 +0000

Mama Java is off visiting, so Cinema Babe has generously consented to fill in with this column.

It All Begins With A Personal Ad

“Hi, we’re Dot and Jim, a friendly, stable, professional couple who would like to meet a vivacious, unattached bi woman. Dot is 36 and bi, Jim is 43 and straight and we want to develop the kind of loving, committed relationship that only three people can share. We’re not interested in a fling but in growing a deeply emotional, closed triad with the right single bi woman. She should be attractive, open minded and flexible”

“Our pictures here are recent; we are attractive and have a youthful outlook on life. (Having two toddler will do that for you, lol!) While we’re not obsessive, we do exercise regularly and generally try to take care of ourselves. You should take care of yourself too. Our family and friends are very vanilla so discretion is important to us.”

“Please respond with recent pics. We’re really looking forward to meeting you! Please, absolutely no email from men or couples; we will not respond to them.”

Dot and Jim seem like sincere, nice people but there are some things that they should know and discuss before embarking on the adventure of adding a bi woman to their relationship.

The configuration of a het male/bi female couple looking for a bi woman is a very common scenario. Some poly folks refer to it as Unicorn Hunting because, some people joke, a bisexual woman who would be interested in dating a couple is a mythical creature (a unicorn.) In fact those women are out there but, for some couples, they can be difficult to find.

Food for Thought

The way Dot and Jim worded their ad gives the impression that they want an attractive, youthful woman who will fall in love with both of them at about the same time and remain in love with both of them equally. Readers might even infer from the wording that the woman they are looking for might have to forgo having romantic interests (including a mate separate from their triadic relationship) or a family of her own from their seeking a single woman and not being open to couples.

A lot of people are leery about these kinds of ads because they can become situations where an established couple meets a young woman and end up using her as an experiment in poly, a sexual toy to enhance their bedroom activities and/or unpaid domestic help with little or no consideration for her emotional needs. Some couples are looking for a woman to fit into an ideal as opposed to meeting someone and being open to the possibilities. In some cases, if the woman doesn’t fit into that ideal, the couple will terminate both relationships.

(Sometimes it is the bi woman who comes into these situations with unrealistic expectations or less than sterling intentions. For the sake of our conversation today, I’m focusing on couples.)

Some Questions to Consider

There are some things Dot and Jim will want to consider when they sit down to craft their profile; some serious questions to consider.

Think about how long it takes for most of us, to find someone(s) who we feel mated to. At 36 and 43, it’s a safe bet that Dot and Jim had their share of broken hearts and connections that fizzled in a couple of months. Most of us have a fistful of starts that end in a dead end instead of in a long term partnership. It can be hard enough to meet one person and make a mutual love match, imagine finding someone who develops that kind of chemistry with both of you at the same time. It can and does happen but it is not necessarily an easy thing to find.

When you have a triad, remember, there are now four relationship involved: Dot and Jim, Dot and the GF, Jim and the GF and Dot, Jim and the GF. All four of require attention and care and all four will wax and wane in the feelings and level of commitment over time.

Before they add that special bi woman to their heart (and possibly home), a couple needs to ask themselves the following:

Do the two of you come as a package deal or are you willing to date and develop relationships independently of each other? If you are attached to only dating as a couple, why?
What happens if you meet a woman both of you are interested in but a romantic attachment develops between her and only one of you?
Let’s say you find your elusive bi female and the three of you easily fall into the triad of your (collective) dreams. If your mutual girlfriend falls in love with someone else who *is not* interested in a relationship with one or both of you what will happen? What if that new person is open to exploring a relationship with one or both of you?
What happens if the person your unicorn falls in love with is another man? She is now part of a couple. Does that mean that your relationship(s) with her is over?
What happens if, after some time together, one of your relationship ends but the other relationship remains strong? Does that mean that both of you have to break up with her even though one of your relationships is in good shape?
Why no couples? Would you be open to being involved with a woman who is already part of a couple? If no, why not? Why no men? If the female of your couple is bi, even if she identifies as primarily lesbian, she fell in love with a man once, why can’t it happen again?

Identifying what you want and jumping in with both feet to get it can be an admirable thing. When hearts are at stake, it’s important to jump with care and understanding. I wish the Dot and Jims out there much luck and hope that some of what I discussed will be fodder for thought and discussion on your way to poly nirvana.

The Care and Feeding of Unicorns © 2009 Cinema Babe
Used by permission
All Rights Reserved

CinemaBabe is a 40something single poly woman who lives in a The Garden State and loves it. A full time professional and part time grad student, she’s looking for her own unicorn. Any 30somethingish geeky bi boys should feel free to check her out on OK Cupid. Just sayin’.

And yes, she’s forgotten more about movies that the average movie goer ever knew. And she has almost 300 items on her NetFlix list.

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I Have Something to Tell You

Goddess of Java — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:00:43 +0000

This week’s column is a guest piece by Edward Martin, III.

How do I “break the news” I’m poly?

This question rolls around a lot, especially on boards and meetings where there’s a lot of new folks, or folks that have just started dating, or aliens that have only recently arrived on Earth and haven’t quite figured out exactly how humans interact.

Maybe there’s a fourth category.

The basic question is this: “Gee, I’m poly and I’ve met this great person and want to ask them out on a date or two, but I’m not sure about the how and when of revealing that I’m poly. What should I do?”

A necessary digression:

First of all, note that this question – like so many other questions – never has to be asked more than once. Once you have an answer that works, you can pretty much use the same technique for everybody. If the answer you’ve been offered or that you’ve come up with can’t be used for practically all instances, you’ve probably just come up with an answer that’s not viable (my preference is solving General Equations, because I don’t like to do a lot of work – it’s like learning how to do addition, instead of memorizing all possible answers to all possible addition problems).

Second — and this is really important if you hate being redundant and doing redundant work over and over and over and over — is that you, personally, don’t have to come up with a solution. It’s true! Ever watch someone suffer horrible burns on their hands by grabbing a red hot stove element, and then wondering if maybe your Magical Powers will protect you if you grab the same element? No, because any idiot can see that a red-hot stove element will make you scream like a little girl if you touch it, and learning that lesson indirectly is tremendously better than learning it first-hand. (my sympathies to the people who burned their hands, but thank you for teaching me that danger!) Okay, where were we? Right – coming out to potential partners/lovers.

There are two ways of going about this. Follow along all the way to the end, though, because the two ways are very different from each other.

The first way is easy: They’ll figure it out. They’ll figure it out because they’ve hung around you, or hung around your friends. They’ll see you have at least one partner, probably more, and that everyone’s communicative, comfortable, and cool. Maybe they’ll see the family pictures on the wall*, or how the kids kiss four parents goodnight. They’ll see it at parties, or see it during dinner, or other social events. They’ve already been introduced to everybody, and have all the first names down.

The only big “reveal” here is of the potential interest (which, frankly, is obvious by this time).

Now, surely, there will be some folks who claim this is a sort of “time-traveling” solution, that you would have to go backwards in time to arrange for all of this before you belly up to the bar with your Special Digital Effect hanging out. What they call “time-traveling” I call “planning ahead.” Planning ahead takes very little breaking of the laws of physics. You just put things in the right order from the get-go. The “reveal” shouldn’t involve any sort of huge problem, if it’s placed near the end of the sequence. There’s the cart and there’s the horse. Hook them up in the right order and you find that you have lots more problem-solving brains left over for those really tough Sudoku challenges, and learning Cantonese.

“Planning ahead” is one of those things that separates adults from children, and humans from animals. You want to target “adult human,” in your brain so plan ahead. A mistake might happen, but there’s no reason for it to happen more than once (preferably, it happens to someone else where you can observe and learn).
Speaking of horses and carts, that brings me to the second way.

The second way is even easier: Don’t bother, because it’s not a high priority item for you. If it were important to you and the other person, if you wanted a Deep Meaningful Relationship With a Partner, then you would have put your horse and cart in the appropriate order. See “The First Way.” Enjoy the hot monkey sex and if it becomes an issue, then be casual and mature about it. It takes two (or more) to tango, and if none of the involved parties bothered asking, then it’s safe to assume that – should you want things to Go A Little Further – it’s just not a dealbreaker, high-priority kind of item.

Note that this is all reciprocal, by the way. If you’re being romanced by someone and they prioritize introducing you to the family and their social structure, then chances are pretty good this is what they consider important. If they instead prioritize tiling the floor with clothing, and you’re cool with that, then remember that if other issues come up later.

There is a third way, which involves only dating people who have already been clearly identified as poly, and of course, you can do that, but sometimes it just seems so incestuous. Besides, if you’re going to a priori limit your pool, you just might miss out on something really exciting. Good or bad, I suppose.

* this is how people who may appear to be single can reveal they’re poly, as well as provide an excellent example of how well they might speak of their exes. We don’t have to talk much about people who are single because of how venomous they are about their exes and soon-to-be-exes, naturally, because that’s one of those “duh” moments.

** Now, for those really rare birds that have no past, and make no conversation where they can slide in the fact that they are not sexually restrictive, their best bet is to assume nobody in their right mind would subscribe to a restrictive sexuality and act accordingly, which would probably (assuming they were acting in a mature fashion) include asking after other people their intended may be dating. If that dosn’t open the conversation up in the right direction, you might as well start rolling percentile dice.

Used by permission

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Enemies and Allies

Goddess of Java — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:00:54 +0000

This guest column was written by Edward Martin, III.

A lot of people seem to have a lot of trouble talking with their partners. Now, sometimes, I can understand this. Some topics are embarrassing, or awkward or uncomfortable. Some topics are even potentially dangerous to the relationship. So, yeah, talking with partners can be tricky.

And it’s not like talking with strangers, either. You don’t have momentum with strangers. You first meet someone and if they ask you what you’re into, you can TELL them “I only REALLY like sex when you’re dressed as a clown and I’m your little trick puppy.” Hell, you might just get it. But somehow, when you’ve got a partner of a couple years, it suddenly becomes a lot harder to talk with them about uncomfortable, embarrassing, awkward, or even dicey topics.

A lot of people relate this problem, and for a lot of them – especially if they come from a restrictive sexuality mindset – there’s a dynamic in place that actually CONTIBUTES to this difficulty.

This dynamic is combat.

It sounds funny and silly and childish when I put it that way, which is, of course, accurate. A lot of people who don’t have their heads screwed on straight approach difficulties with their partners as if it’s some kind of combat, as if they are entering the battlefield and they’ve got to make sure they have a Full Tactical Dossier on the other person, and be fully girded against attacks and be ready to unleash Nuclear Fuckup if need be and, and, and…

And that’s where they make the first mistake.

Your partner is not your enemy.

Seems simple on the face of it, so I’m going to type it again, because if feels so damn good.

Your partner is not your enemy.

Your enemy is probably a disagreement or a misunderstanding or a fear or a worry or that asshole next door who can’t stop glaring at your customers when they come over and freaking them out. But it’s not your partner.

Your partner is not your enemy.

Your partner is your ally.

So, go ahead and think about that awkward topic, that difficult subject, that tricky proposition. Yes, it’s awkward, difficult, or tricky, and yes, you probably have all kinds of issues surrounding whether or not you even want to talk about it, but on the list of six billion people available on the planet, there’s at least ONE you absolutely KNOW is your ally and that’s your partner. Treat them that way. Approach them as an ally, ask them to help you find a solution to this, offer your services as well (after all, you definitely haz got your mad skilz). Together, you will find a solution, and your partner will be keenly interested in helping, because…

Your partner is not your enemy.

And, of course, conversely, you had best be remembering the same thing. When your partner comes to you with a problem, a tricky, awkward bit of a problem, you are being engaged as an ally. Act like it. Your partner needs you. Maybe whatever the problem was involves you, too, and you would like a little of that “not your enemy” love right back. You’re gonna have to wait, because they asked you first, so it’s your turn to wear the Big Boy pants (even if you’re a girl, unless you’re a girl from Innsmouth, in which case you wear the Big Thing Fishnets), and be their ally and help solve the problem.

Afterward, chances are, you’ll discover you don’t HAVE your own problem anymore (helping partners sometimes produces this effect – deal with it, because resentment helps no one you love), but even if you do, you can always ask for help.

Know why?

Because your partner’s not your enemy.

They’re your ally.

Stick that on the fridge.

Used by permission

animations: http://www.petting-zoo.org/Hardcore.html

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How to be Poly-Friendly

Goddess of Java — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 04:00:40 +0000

This guest column is by Pepper Mint.

How can a monogamous person be poly-friendly?

I originally encountered this question in a livejournal conversation, and followed up with a quick brainstormed list. The following list is a rewrite that expands on a number of points and incorporates the comments from the livejournal community.

Please read this piece in a constructive and positive manner. It is really intended in a spirit of friendship and cooperation. I am not saying that all monogamous people must do all these things right now – just that every time you do one of these things, it really makes our lives easier and we really appreciate it. Many of these things are small and easy considerations. My hope is that monogamous people who are new to the idea of polyamory will use this list as a reference guide to avoid many of the usual monogamous/polyamorous interaction pitfalls.

As you may notice, there is a lot of things that monogamous people can do to be poly-friendly. As it turns out, this is because the culture at large is definitely poly-unfriendly, and so there are a lot of assumptions, stigmas, and practices that make life difficult for poly people.

While this list is addressed to monogamous people, I encourage poly types to read it. We do not suddenly shed our monogamous assumptions or history when we become poly, and so we make many mistakes with each other that resemble the mistakes monogamous people make with poly people.

Feel free to copy, edit, print, or distribute this list. I am producing it as a community resource. If you could include some attribution (say, a link back to this blog) I would appreciate it.

If you have no idea what polyamory is, take a look at this website before you continue reading.

Attitude and Etiquette

Be secure in your monogamy. Unfortunately our culture rarely discusses monogamy directly, so we fail to see the many ways it can be valuable. Identify these for yourself. If you have not learned to value your monogamy, being around poly people or ideology will make you insecure and defensive. (Indeed, reading the rest of this essay might have that effect.)

Consider whether polyamory might be a good idea for you. Chances are, the answer is no. However, having made that decision for yourself will allow you to deal with poly people on a secure foundation of self-knowledge. If the answer is yes, then check out some “how to start being polyamorous” resources.

Do not get defensive when faced with polyamory. This is a common reaction for monogamous people when faced with a nonmonogamous alternative, especially if they have not consciously chosen monogamy for themselves. Remember that if you are not polyamorous, then polyamory is really not about you. Learn to recognize when you might be feeling defensive, and try not to take it out on poly people. We get a lot of really negative reactions and put-downs due to monogamous defensiveness, and this can really wear on us. Try to stay positive.

Do not assume that if your monogamous partner/lover/spouse meets a poly person, they will suddenly be seduced by polyamory. Polyamory is not some dark siren call, and your partner presumably knows what they want to the extent that exposure to different relationship styles will not suddenly change them. If you have not sat down with your partner and discussed your mutual commitment to monogamy, then perhaps doing so would help you feel secure about their monogamy.

Recognize that there is a cultural discourse that paints polyamorous people as sick, sinners, immature, maladjusted, slutty, nymphomaniac, or otherwise problematic. Remember that poly people are constantly being told these things, and it takes a toll. Never repeat any of these stigmas. If you find you associate some of these things with nonmonogamy, recognize that you have prejudiced views, and try to change your attitude.

Try to be helpful and supportive to your polyamorous friends. If someone comes to you with a problem, listen and try to understand their situation. Try to connect them to other poly people, to poly resources, and/or to poly community. Do not dismiss them out of hand because they seem alien to you in some way. Try to keep an open mind. Try to understand that polyamory is probably a huge deal for your poly friends: it is literally life-changing for most of them.

Sometimes poly people will put down monogamy. This is especially common with people new to polyamory. This is a defensive reaction. Typically of these people have been fighting (and losing against) monogamy and monogamous assumptions their whole lives. They can develop a certain negativity about monogamy as a result. Try not to take it personally. Really, they are talking about themselves: monogamy has failed them. They are not talking about you.

Stop assuming that the people you meet are monogamous. This assumption is wrong at least some of the time. If you add up the swingers, poly people, people in open relationships, and the wide variety of unnamed arrangements, you end up with a small but real percentage of the population. Because they face censure, nonmonogamous people often will not advertise their nonmonogamy. Viewing everyone you meet as possibly nonmonogamous is a good exercise in challenging the base idea that monogamy is inevitable. Also, do not assume that the monogamous people you meet are happily monogamous. Most are, but a real chunk of them are not, as evidenced by the rates of infidelity.

If you meet someone who is dissatisfied with monogamy or having trouble with monogamy, mention polyamory (or other types of negotiated nonmonogamy) to them as a possibility. Lots of people only become polyamorous later in life because they did not know it was a possibility when they were younger. You may be doing them a huge favor.

Recognize that you gain certain privileges from being monogamous. We live in a monogamous world. Friends and relatives take your relationships seriously. You do not have to fear for your job or the custody of your children because of your relationship structure. You do not have to weigh the difficulties of being closeted (on this matter) versus the dangers of coming out. You see your personal relationship structure in pretty much every book you read or movie you watch. Unless the mainstream disapproves of you for some other reason, you are praised from every quarter (clergy, doctors, psychologists, reporters) for having the right sort of relationship. Remember that polyamorous people do not have any of these advantages, and we sometimes have to spend a lot of effort to achieve things that monogamous people take for granted.

When you invite people to events, remember the possibility that they might be polyamorous. For weddings, parties, and holidays, try to accommodate their multiple partners. If you are holding an event in the LBGTQ or BDSM communities, understand that some of your attendees will probably be polyamorous. If you are holding a “singles” event in any context, consider making it an “availables” event so that poly people who have partners but are still looking can attend.

Check out poly resources of various sorts: online, books, etc. This serves two purposes. Not only do you get to know better what it is like to be poly, but many poly relationship techniques (like managing jealousy or learning to communicate better) are really helpful in monogamous relationships. Because we are facing the difficulties of being nonmonogamous in a monogamous world, poly people have built up a strong base of relationship knowledge, analysis, and techniques that are not available in mainstream culture.

Assumptions About Polyamorous Relationships

Don’t assume that you know anything about polyamory – unless you’ve been doing it, you really don’t. Polyamory is a series of subcultures that are not recognized by the mainstream, so there is no way to learn about it aside from practicing it or immersing yourself in a polyamorous scene. If you do not have this experience, own your lack of knowledge and start from the assumption that poly people know polyamory better than you. Take an attitude of “ignorant but willing to learn”. Never instruct poly people as to how their polyamory works – even if you have lots of experience, chances are it works differently for them than you.

Polyamory is not like the nonmonogamy you see on television. It is not cheating, playing the field, hedonism, swinging, or patriarchal polygamy. Polyamory is rarely represented in popular media, and when it does show up, it tends to be heavily misrepresented. Any ideas about nonmonogamy that you have learned via popular culture are likely wrong – do not trust this knowledge.

Start from the assumption that polyamory can and does work. There are in fact large numbers of poly people in arrangements that do work. The idea that polyamory is impossible is a defense mechanism that monogamous people use to avoid considering the possibility that polyamory might work for them. Don’t do this. Along similar lines, do not assume that polyamory is somehow intrinsically difficult or complicated. For many of us, polyamory is much easier than monogamy.

Do not assume that jealousy is impossible to overcome. Again, this is a defensive mechanism that monogamous people use to dismiss nonmonogamy out of hand. Some poly people don’t get jealous, and others learn to manage or deprogram their jealousy. Jealousy may in fact be intractable for you. But perhaps you should consider this a problem – jealousy can be an issue even in monogamous relationships. Or, perhaps jealousy is less of an issue than you think. Often people are surprised at how easy it is to manage jealousy with sufficient incentive.

If a poly person breaks up or has a bad relationship experience, do not assume it is because polyamory must not work. Do not tell them that they failed because of polyamory. Monogamous people break up all the time, but that doesn’t prove that monogamy is doomed to failure. Similarly, if a poly person decides to become monogamous, don’t assume that all poly people are just fooling themselves. People move back and forth between monogamy and polyamory all the time for reasons of their own, and such movement does not say anything about the viability of monogamy or polyamory.

Think about how you value relationships. Do you only consider monogamous relationships to be worthwhile or serious? Do you see nonmonogamy as a sign that the relationship is not serious or “real”, but rather just playing around somehow? If so, recognize your relationship valuations as prejudiced and try to change them.

Rethink what it means for a relationship to be committed. Many monogamous people equate commitment with monogamy, and assume that without monogamy you cannot have commitment. This is a fallacy: commitment to a relationship is just that, and has very little to do with one’s other relationships. It is entirely possible to be highly committed to a relationship (or more than one relationship) while still seeing other people. Do not assume that nonmonogamous relationships are inherently unstable or short-lived.

Drop the “limited love” model. It is a common monogamous assumption that people have a limited amount of love, and if they give love to one person, it means they are somehow removing it from someone else. While it may in fact work this way for some monogamous people, for most people romantic love operates much like love for their family members: loving one relative or child does not somehow detract from your love for others.

Reconsider longevity and time commitment as measurements of relationship success. These days, most relationships are not lifelong. Rather than “til death do us part” as a measure of succes, it is important to think about whether a relationship is/was enjoyable and fulfilling. Because poly people date more, we often have more relationship turnover, but this is not a sign of failure. Similarly, polyamorous people often have very serious and loving relationships that involve a low time commitment, say one date every two weeks, but again this is a not a sign that the relationship is unworthy.

Do not equate negotiated nonmonogamy with lying, cheating, or adultery. Because cheating is the most popular and well-known form of not-monogamy out there, people tend to assume that any kind of nonmonogamy involves shady dealings. In fact, the opposite is true: when nonmonogamy is possible, the reasons for sneaking around mostly disappear. Do not assume that poly people must be lying to their partners or hiding things from them or in denial. Usually they are not, though these things do happen on occasion.

When a poly person breaks up with one of their lovers, remember that it is the same as any monogamous relationship breaking up. If they still have other lovers or partners, do not assume that this will somehow compensate and they will be fine. In monogamy, the dividing line is between “in a relationship” and “not in a relationship”, but in polyamory we have such a line for every relationship. Offer support just as you would for the breakup of a monogamous relationship.

Some poly people arrange have relationships at different levels of involvement. Often these are distinguished by the terms primary/secondary. Try to remember that these are not necessarily rankings of importance or priority, but may refer to time commitment, living arrangements, or other things. Do not assume that primary/secondary arrangements are basically monogamy with sex on the side. Do not assume that secondary-style or low-involvement relationships are less important. Remember that sometimes they can last longer and/or be more fulfilling than primary-style arrangements.

There are not so few poly people that we are forced to date or hook up with every poly person we meet. So, do not assume that if you introduce two poly people they will get it on, and do not introduce them for this purpose unless you know they are compatible in other ways. (Perhaps introduce them for other purposes, for example to build poly community.) Polyamorous people have a whole raft of dating criteria in addition to “the other person must be open to polyamory”, much like monogamous people.

Understand that the line between monogamy and polyamory is not entirely clear. Some people are capable of being in both sorts of relationships, and will switch from monogamous to polyamorous or vice versa depending on who they are dating. Some monogamous people date one polyamorous person, who then has other lovers. Some polyamorous people are only involved with one person for a long period of time due to circumstances or current inclination. Try to be open-minded about people who straddle the line or switch sides. Polyamory can alternately be an identity, a practice, or an intent.

Try to catch monogamous assumptions that are built into books or media. Ask yourself questions like, “how would this romantic comedy be different if nonmonogamy was a possibility?”. Count how many songs on the radio say things based in monogamous assumptions, like “I’m your one and only” or “I’ll take your man”. See how often your friends disparage cheating or talk about finding “the one”. Think about symbols and concepts: why does a wedding ring have to mean “I’m taken”? In truth, we are swimming in a sea of monogamous expectations and assumptions. Poly people tend to see these, since we are constantly butting up against them. If you can learn to recognize these (and perhaps avoid propagating them), you will get along with poly people much better.

Assumptions About Polyamorous People

Don’t generalize about polyamorous people. There are too many poly people for this: any generalization is going to be incorrect for some (or typically, most) of us. Any time you start a sentence with “poly people are” or “poly people are not”, you have already guaranteed that the rest of the sentence is going to go badly. We get this all the time, with outsiders claiming that poly people all have a particular attitude, body shape, or sexuality. Please don’t do this. Remember that poly people are pretty much just like monogamous people, only polyamorous.

Don’t judge polyamory by the small number of poly people you know. Poly people form friendship circles with people similar to themselves, just like monogamous people. So when you first meet a group of poly people, you might be surprised by how they are all similar in some way. This may tempt you to generalize based on this group. Remember that you are only seeing a small self-selecting segment of polyamory. Trust that if you find a different polyamorous group, they will be radically different in various ways. When you meet monogamous people, you do not assume that all monogamous people are just like them – so don’t do it for polyamory.

Remember that the day-to-day life of being polyamorous is generally the same as being monogamous. We go to work, do our laundry, read a book, and/or pick up the kids from day care. We do not have daily orgies (or typically, any orgies), nor do we constantly obsess about what being polyamorous means to us.

Do not assume that a person is polyamorous only because they have not found someone special yet, and that they will become monogamous as soon as they fall in love with the right person. Monogamous people tend to make this assumption because they conflate nonmonogamy with a lack of relationship seriousness or intensity. But this assumption is typically wrong for poly people and tends to devalue our current relationships.

Do not assume poly people are sexually insatiable or even have a high sex drive. Do not assume that poly people are sexually adventurous or kinky. Some are, some aren’t. Monogamous people tend to sexualize any kind of sexualized subculture as out-of-control hedonism or unredeemably kinky. Again, this is a defensive mechanism that paints an inaccurate picture of polyamory. Try to avoid thinking of polyamory as an overly sexual subculture. Polyamory is about as sexual as monogamy.

Do not assume poly people are sluts or available. Indeed, many poly people are full up on relationships or are not looking for other reasons. Do not assume that we have casual sex: some do, some don’t. At the same time, if you have a problem with people who are slutty or have casual sex, recognize that you are prejudiced and try to change your attitude.

Poly women are polyamorous by choice and/or inclination. Do not think that they have somehow been seduced or tricked into polyamory. It is a cultural assumption that men are naturally nonmonogamous and women are naturally monogamous, but this is bunk. Women are on average just as nonmonogamous as men. Indeed, women are at the forefront of the polyamory movement and have been there since the start, as I have discussed previously.

Do not assume that poly people (particularly women) are automatically bisexual. Some are, some aren’t. Due to biphobia, bisexuality has been conflated with nonmonogamy so strongly that people tend to assume that nonmonogamous people are automatically bisexual, and vice versa. This is wrong: there are plenty of non-bisexual nonmonogamous people, and plenty of monogamous bisexuals.

Children raised in polyamorous households are fine. Really: your author is one of them. They do well when they are in a loving and supportive environment, and poorly when they are not, much like children in monogamous households. Do not propagate the idea that children must be damaged by exposure to polyamory, and never question a person’s ability to parent based on their polyamory. Loss of custody is one of the primary ways that poly people are punished by an unfriendly mainstream. Be sympathetic to this.

Dating

When someone tells you they are polyamorous, do not assume that they are hitting on you. They are probably not. Do not assume they are available to date or sleep with you just because they are poly. While some might be, most are not. Assuming poly people are sexually or romantically available to you tends to make you look arrogant and self-serving.

If you want to date someone in a monogamous manner, say so explicitly early in the relationship. Do not assume that they are inclined to be monogamous. Don’t assume that because you slept together (moved in, met the parents, etc) that you must be monogamous now. Talking about it now avoids miscommunications and problems later.

Do not use “I want to see other people” as code for “let’s break up”. If you want to break up with someone, tell them already and break up with them while keeping your integrity intact. Many monogamous people use this breakup excuse, and it does a lot of damage to nonmonogamous people because when we then say “I want to see other people”, it is interpreted as the prelude to a breakup. Along the same lines, do not start cheating on someone in order to break up with them.

Do not use monogamy as the marker for when a relationship has become committed. If you want to commit to someone and have them commit to you, have that conversation explicitly. There is a general monogamous practice of using “let’s stop seeing other people” as the mark of when a relationship gets serious. This leads to a lot of misunderstandings since these two things are not necessarily related. In addition, it perpetuates the idea that nonmonogamy is inherently not committed.

Date a poly person only if you are willing to either become poly yourself or get over your jealousy enough so that they can date other people. Understand that this is not an easy process, and may take years of effort. A switch to polyamory is often life-changing in serious ways. Go for it if you are really into it, but if you are hesitant or unsure, please save yourself (and them) the drama and heartbreak.

Do not start dating a poly (or really, any nonmonogamous) person with the assumption that once you and they fall in love, they will be monogamous with you. They probably will not, and this leads to heartbreak on all sides. If a person says to you that they plan on being nonmonogamous indefinitely, believe them. Never say you are fine with being nonmonogamous unless you will still be fine with it when the relationship has lasted for years.

Do not date a poly person as a side fling or as filler between monogamous relationships, unless you have made the situation clear to them and they have agreed. Monogamous people tend to assume that because a person is poly and/or involved with someone else, they are not taking the relationship seriously and thus cannot be hurt. Many of us have been hurt by a person who eventually made it clear that we were a side event for them because of our nonmonogamy.

Do not use a poly person to cheat on your monogamous partner. Don’t lie to a poly person and say that your partner is okay with you dating when they are not. We see this a lot, and many of us have been burned by this kind of situation. Do not be surprised if a poly person insists on meeting with your partner before dating you or having sex with you. Many poly people avoid DADT (Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell) relationships to avoid ending up in this situation. Similarly, do not cheat and then declare that you want to be polyamorous when you are discovered.

How to be Poly Friendly, by Pepper Mint.

Reprinted with permission

Pepper Mint is a San Francisco polyamory organizer who puts on regular social gatherings, holds nonmonogamy workshops, and has recently helped start poly speed dating. While he works as a computer programmer, during his off hours he writes polyamory social theory on his freaksexual blog.

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Process Percentage

Goddess of Java — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 04:00:12 +0000

This guest column is by Edward Martin, III.

I’m tired of the whole “communicate, communicate, communicate” mantra. Oh sure, I’m all for making sure you communicate with your partners, but it just doesn’t have to be some long and torturous ritual that goes on forever under the guise of “well, this must be what it’s like to be poly.”

I’ve found that only about 5% of the time spent “talking” is spent finding a mutually satisfying solution.

95% is spent trying to figure out what everybody really wants, instead of what they’re trying to angle obliquely toward. It’s like spending time placing all the pieces on the board in some kind of conversational game.

Think about that one for a moment — when many of us tell someone else what we want, we’re really telling them what we think they’ll be willing to give us such that we can get what we really want without incurring some sort of egregious social debt. (it’s okay — you don’t have to admit it in public)

So, since half of that 95% is mine (and I don’t have to be oblique with myself, thank goodness), it became a lot easier to say “Okay, this is what I want out of the solution. As long as that’s satisfied, you can do it however you like.”

It’s tricky, because I have to make sure that I stick to my actual words, and I have to release an interest in all parameters that I haven’t mentioned. This requires a lot of bright-light looking at my needs. And if I miss something, it’s my own damn fault. I can mention it later, of course, but I have to realize that I’m bringing it to the table late, and act accordingly.

It also requires I know the difference between a need and a preference, and that I do my homework before coming to the discussion table. But, as a good partner, it’s my job to make sure I’m doing the best I can, and that means, sometimes, homework.

It’s been a long haul, but the results so far have been great.

And even better — when other partners see how easy it is to do that, they start doing it, too. Rewards are great learning tools and short conversations with mutually satisfying solutions are great rewards.

And then you can get back to actually living a life together.

Used by permission

Edward Martin III is a writer and filmmaker (http://www.Guerrilla-Productions.org) in the Pacific Northwest. In other parts of the country, his roles are secret, if not downright mysterious. Today he got soaked on a motorcycle ride by a surprise storm, designed a one-man bicycle-powered submersible, and learned more about Lent than any decent human being should know. Tomorrow — hard to tell.

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Front of the hand, back of the hand …

Goddess of Java — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 04:00:29 +0000

This guest column is by Jenny Ford.

Polyamory ain’t all beer and skittles. Like your hand, it has two sides, and they can’t be separated. For every wonderful advantage to being polyamorous, there is a corresponding down side, and some of them are mighty difficult to anticipate. Jealousy, time management, communication and boundaries are the obvious ones. This is a little guided tour of some of the more obscure pitfalls.

“I am polyamorous, therefore I must accommodate my partner’s other partners.”

We are people of goodwill. We are open to extended, loving networks of chosen family or whatever else we choose to call it.

There are people in this world who will take advantage of goodwill. They will do less than their share of the heavy lifting, whether that is financial, emotional, or physical.

Just because you are polyamorous, and you partner loves someone, that does not mean that you have to automatically extend to the new lover the same level of trust and support – physical, financial or emotional – that you extend to your partner.

“I am polyamorous, therefore I have no right to be unhappy about my partner’s partner.”

Some people do things which are truly unhappy-making.

In my years as an active member of the poly community, I have heard the following examples. In each case, the first reaction of the party who had been trespassed against was “I have to make this work. I have to get over my reaction for the good of all,” and in each case, it was actually quite reasonable for the person to be upset.

A childless-by-choice couple decide to venture into polyamory. The husband’s new girlfriend accidentally falls pregnant. Twice.

A poly couple invite a V partner to be their live-in child-carer. The carer is consistently late picking the kids up from school.

A partner in a fluid-bonded group has unsafe sex, and keeps it secret from the others.

Two couples decide to move in together. Two weeks before the big day, one person announces they aren’t going to move in, in fact, they have decided to move to another city 600 miles away.

Someone’s partner secretly starts a new relationship, and then introduces it as a fait accompli and expects the poly person to accept it.

“I am polyamorous, therefore I should support my partner in their new relationship.”

Sometimes, hormones and pheremones lead our loved ones up the garden path.

Healthy boundaries means we don’t rush after them yelling “stop, stop, you’re going to get hurt,” but that doesn’t mean we have to turn down the covers on the spare bed and put a chocolate on the pillow to welcome the drug-addicted psychopath of the moment into your family.

You are well within the bounds of reasonableness to say “I am not going to tell you want to do, but I don’t want to watch the train wreck. Keep it away from me.”

“You are polyamorous, so I don’t have to take this relationship seriously.”

Subtle pitfalls come from dating not-completely-poly people. They have subconscious attitudes about poly people which can show up in quite inconsiderate behaviour sometimes.

“You are polyamorous, so you can be my partner – while I am between monogamous relationships.”

This one has caused a mountain of heartbreak for several poly people I know.

“If I have more than one relationship, each one will be less intense.”

Ummm, no …

If anything, poly relationships are more intense, because the people involved are – on average – more willing to talk through issues and more in touch with how they feel.

“I am polyamorous, therefore my jealousy is my problem to deal with on my own.”

This is a big one.

Sometimes “jealous” feelings are a result of one’s own internal wobbles. Other times, the situation is actually violating a boundary or failing to meet your needs, and the emotion is a completely valid flag that something needs to change.

Don’t be too quick to take on 100% of the responsibility as though you are simply inventing a problem. (Consult the brilliant Brave-Little-Toaster post for elaboration on this point!)

Assuming that because you are polyamorous you should be OK with everything that goes on in multiple relationships is like assuming that because you are gay you should be OK with every sexual advance from any person of the same gender.

Whether or not you are in a sexual relationship with any given individual, you absolutely always have the right to say “no” to anything that doesn’t work for you, and without feeling guilty.

Jenny Ford has an Honours degree in Psychology and works as a business consultant and executive coach …. by day. In her other life, she is a polyamorous, bisexual community-builder and relationships coach. She has husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, three children (though the teenager could count as three all on her own), and two cats. She lives in Sydney, Australia with a subset of the above family members and is currently researching how to bend space and time so she can live with ll the people she loves in all the places they want to live without leaving Sydney. She has a blog at raisingentrepreneurs.com. Expressions of appreciation for Jenny should take the form of Lindt chocolate balls. Bonus points if they are the black 60% cocoa ones.

Front of the hand, back of the hand …

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