The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Polyamorous literature is full of touching stories of how opening a marriage rekindled a deep and abiding love between the original couple and deepen their relationship.

You think I’m gonna sneer, ain’tcha?

Nope. I’m not. I think many of those stories are quite true and are wonderful tales to tell. I do want to point out a serious problem with these stories. People mistakenly think that opening the relationship was the solution rather than a side effect to other things that couple probably did before opening the relationship.

Plenty of poly people have been guilty of this one. I’ve seen it once or twice among people who were very proud of their emotional maturity, too.

But if you’re bored, if things are tepid between you and your mate, if you’re feeling stifled…

Adding more people is not magically going to help your original relationship.

Oh, polyamory may be the way to go, it really might. But you want to settle the issues between yourself and your mate first! If you don’t want to do it for yourselves, dear Lord, at least think of the people you’ll be getting involved with! Presumably you’re thinking that if you open your relationship you might actually love the people you’re getting involved with. Do you want to drop them in the middle of an unpleasant mess?

Worse, are you really okay with using a person as a band-aid for your original relationship? (I’ll pay you the compliment of assuming not).

So, how’s those communication skills? How are you guys connecting? Do you feel okay with being vulnerable with your mate?

If things are a little blah between you, and you’re willing to do this work first, yes yes yes, you’re going to find a wonderful re-connection and rekindling. It won’t be polyamory that did it, though, but a mutual willingness to open up, communicate and be vulnerable.

And yes, that’ll help the poly part, too.

Just, make sure you get these things in the right order!

I’ve been watching on several polyamory boards to see people trying to make themselves okay with being in polyamorous relationships. I’ve seen descriptions of people feeling like their hearts are being ripped out. I’ve seen descriptions of people wanting to curl into a ball and cry while their partners are with other people. I’ve even had communication with people who wanted me to help them be okay with having sex with people they didn’t want to sleep with, but partners wanted them to because they thought that was “how you did poly”¹.

I find these posts heartbreaking.

Poly is not martyrdom, and taking pride in being a martyr isn’t going to help you live to the fullest. If you hate it, if it feels wrong, if you feel dirty or betrayed or like you have to force yourself into something:

Maybe poly isn’t for you.

It’s not an enlightened way to be. It’s just a choice that works for some people. It’s a preference that has no more to do with goodness, enlightenment or value than preferring linguine to rice.

There are dozens of reasons why people make themselves try to be okay with poly. Maybe she don’t want to lose a beloved partner. Maybe her partner tried monogamy for her and was unhappy. Maybe they saw it as a way to try to stay together. These things all look so loving and noble. I’m all for love, I really am. I just don’t think that going through pain and suffering is somehow the hallmark of a “worthy relationship”. I don’t find choosing suffering necessarily noble. It’s too close to the mindset of the woman who is proud of herself for her endurance when it comes to accepting an abusive mate.

I’m not saying polyamorous/monogamous pairing are bad². Not at all! But in the good ones, the monogamous member isn’t curling up in a ball when his polyamorous partner is out with another love, either. In a healthy poly/mono pairing, the monogamous partner has his own full life, ya know. She’s not curled into a ball weeping when her partner isn’t with her. He’s got friends and projects and family and is living a busy, happy life — when his partner is around and when he’s alone.

I’m also not saying that twinges of discomfort are reasons to drop a relationship. There’s an enormous difference between, “Dammit, I feel lonely and at a loose end and wish I were out having fun, too” and curling up in a little ball and crying your eyes out because you feel so abandoned, alone and unloved. The healthiest of people have down times and the best relationships do, too.

So what do you do when you’re really not okay with poly and your partner is unhappy monogamous?

That’s a rough one. I’ve been accused, since reviving the Polyamorous Misanthrope column, of seeing relationships as disposable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Commodities are disposable. People and relationships are not commodities. Relationships are forever and always about individuals humans and the different ways we merge and change and bump against each other.

I do not believe that there is any great value in white-knuckling it through a romantic relationship. Suck it up and deal to make sure the kids are properly taken care of and nurtured? Sure. I will point out that doesn’t require a romantic relationship³.

I’m increasingly of the opinion that the only good ways to conduct a relationship are going for the “win-win” or the “no deal”.   If you can find a way to be happy and fulfilled with one partner poly and the other not, that’s wonderful! Go for it and enjoy.  It can and does happen.   It doesn’t happen by making yourself do or be what you are not.  At that point, I strongly encourage the “no deal”.  When I say “no deal” I don’t mean anger, bitterness or hostility.   Just, with a blessing let ‘em go.   It’s probably gonna hurt.   But it is a good way to happiness  in the long run,  no kidding. Some people, no matter how much they love each other, aren’t compatible in the long run.   Believe it or not, you can and do get over it and into creating a life for yourself where you’re not curled into a ball weeping several nights a month.

¹ That’s not “how you do poly”. It comes very, very close to (and sometimes is) “how you do abuse”.

² It’s rarely the relationship form, but how you conduct the relationship that’s the issue.

³ Of all the bills of goods we get sold, the one about parents having to stay in love until the kids are grown to rear children properly is one of the more obnoxious and destructive ones.

I’ve been in sexual relationships for over twenty years as well as having made a study of them in the last seven. The more I study, the more I see that many problems in relationships seem to be problems of dependence and commodifying a partner.

Dependence comes in many forms — emotional, physical, financial. If you are in any way of the mindset, “I’m screwed if I must live without my Dear Love,” you’re no longer in a relationship involving equals and choice. You are not with that person solely because you choose to be with that person. At least part of the relationship is tainted by a commodity that your Dear Love supplies.

This commodity could be myriad in nature. If you’re monogamous (or exclusive in any way), it could be something as simple as sex. If you’re a housewife without the emotional understanding that you do have marketable skills, you depend on your SO for food and shelter, for God’s sake — your actual physical survival. That’s heavy stuff. You’ve very much removed an equals mindset. (Remember, I was a housewife for over 11 years, so this is not a high horse, but a deeply considered opinion backed up by painful experience). The commodity could be emotional in nature. I can recall an SO being my basic emotional reason for staying alive. That’s a nowhere place for anyone on either side of that prickly fence. The true relationship of equals can only happen when you say, “Yes, I love you and want to be with you, but if something happens where I am not longer with you, no matter how much it will suck and how painful it will be, I am fully confident that I will have a rich and fulfilling life.”

I’m not saying that it’s desirable to be cavalier about your love. If you lose a loved one, it hurts. There’s just a difference between “hurts” and an idea that your life is somehow not going to be any good any more if you don’t have that partner. It’s important to realize that your quality of life is in your own hands even if things go south between you and your partner.

To have a full relationship between equals, there must be no dependence. You really cannot need ¹ your partner, but must be with said partner because it is a free choice made from a position of strength and independence. No, this does not make for a tepid relationship. No, it won’t have the bright crayon strokes of drama. Instead, the pleasures will be subtler and more natural. Bright and beautiful? Sure, but the brightness will be the restrained choice and beauty of a Maxfield Parrish painting. Instead of the scotch bonnet spiciness of mono-faceted flavor, it will have the blended richness and satisfaction of a good curry while still retaining a fair amount of that wonderful spice.

¹Just because I know I’m gonna get this as a reply from someone please allow me to point out that if you have physical issues your partner is helping you with, your need is for help, not the specific individual.

That pantheistic, mystical “Thou art God!” chorus that runs through the book is not offered as a creed, but as an existentialist assumption of personal responsibility, devoid of all godding. It says, “Don’t appeal for mercy to God the Father up in the sky, little man, because he’s not at home and never was at home, and couldn’t care less. What you do with yourself, whether you are happy or unhappy–live or die–is strictly your business and the universe doesn’t care. In fact, you may be be the universe and the only cause for your troubles. But, at best, the most you can hope for is comradeship with comrades no more divine (or just as divine) as you are. So quit sniveling and face up to it — “Thou art God!”

– October 21, 1960 Robert A. Heinlein to Lurton Blassingame

Grumbles from the Grave, Virginia G. Heinlein, ed.

It’s all your creation.

No, really, it is. Your entire life is what you made it.

No, don’t tell me how rotten your parents were to you, or tell me horror stories about bad partners. Not saying that what got done to you might not have sucked. It probably did. I’ve heard some horror stories in my time and I am genuinely sorry for anyone who has had a rough time. I ain’t trying to blow off the fact that things happen that really are terrible.

Thing is, no matter what got done to you, what you did with it is actually what makes your life.

And what makes your life is utterly, totally and completely up to you.

You’re free. Right now. In this very second, you are completely free to choose what you want to do with your life.  You might feel like this is not so, but I promise you that who you are, where you are and what you are is due to the choices you made.   If you do not like any of these things, you are free to make different choices to change them.

“Free to choose” does not mean that your choice will be easy, or the execution of a particular desire will be automatic. That’s where a lot of people trip up. They think if it ain’t easy, or if it’s got a heavy price, then they aren’t really free.  Many times, choices can have a heavy price, indeed.  But don’t think you can escape the price of your choices.

Friends, life doesn’t work that way.

“‘Thou art God.’ It’s not a message of cheer and hope, Jubal. It’s a defiance–and an unafraid unabashed assumption of personal responsibility… But I rarely put it over… The notion that the effort has to be their own… and that all the trouble they are in is of their own doing.. is one they can’t or won’t entertain.”

Thing is, even if you do accept this personal responsibility, there’s one more great nasty pitfall waiting for you.

Guilt.

God, what a horrid, poisonous little barb that can be. You can choose to be paralyzed by it. You have one more escape clause if you want to avoid taking responsibility for yourself. You can choose to hate yourself, and not act because you’re so rotten — because you made such bad and foolish and unloving and unworkable choices.  You can hate yourself down into your bones for how terrible you are, and then you can be paralyzed from acting and wave your bleeding wounds like a flag.

If you think I’m saying that self hatred is a form of procrastination and laziness, you’re very right. It is. Hating yourself is a block to change, or trying to weasel out of accepting what is. Think about it, if I want to be able to bench press 40 lbs, and I can only bench 12, hating myself is not going to help. Lifting that 12 lbs until it’s easy and then lifting something that’s heavier is what’s going to do the real good. The only thing self-hatred and guilt is going to do is give you a socially acceptable excuse not to try.  People pity those in pain, as they should, but sometimes it’s weaseling. It also lets you avoid confronting the idea that maybe you don’t particularly want to work on whatever it is you feel guilty about. Me? I say step up to the plate and admit you don’t want to work on whatever it is and let it go. You’re already dealing with the consequences of your choices, so what the hell?

It’s a very freeing feeling to realize that everything you do, you choose to do. It’s also a great way to get rid of the guilt monster.

Not too long ago, one of my kids was ill and up a lot in the night. I got very little sleep attending to the child. Now, I normally get up around 0500 so that I can be at the gym to work out when it opens¹. I chose not to go and swim that morning. Not “I was up with a sick child and could not go”. I chose not to go. Conscious. Decided. Understanding the consequences. <grin> I also chose to lose sleep to attend to the child². Because I knew these were conscious choices, I did spend my time frustrated at what was going on, but simply dealt with what was in front of me free from any anger or resentment at loss of sleep.

Tonight, I am choosing to have my favorite Appletini.  As a beginning bodybuilder, I know that alcohol adds excess calories that do nothing to help build muscles — indeed is catabolic to them, and suppresses the testosterone I need to build muscle, while preventing fat metabolism.  I accept this choice.  I will never look like a fitness model choosing this.  And I am choosing to enjoy my drink.  Because I am choosing it with open eyes, I have the opportunity to look at it free of guilt and self hatred and any of that foolishness.

Facing up to the fact that everything you do is something you’re choosing can be difficult. Sometimes you learn some not so flattering things about yourself³. Sometimes you take a good, hard look and realize you’ve been making some choices that are very pleasing to you, indeed.

But in all ways it is freeing. It frees you from resentment, because you accept that everything you do is a choice. How can you resent someone else if you’re the one choosing? It frees you to act with wisdom because you’re conscious that every minute you’re choosing your behavior, and constructing your future.

¹I’m not really all that fond of working out, but I want to get stronger. So I choose to go early and get it out of the way so I don’t wind up wasting time making excuses.

²Of course it was a choice. People do choose not to look after their children, after all. It’s not a choice I admire, but it’s a choice.

³And learning to face up to that without using the escape of self-hatred is quite the challenge!

Community is important. (Yeah, yeah, I know, big shock that I’d say that. Stop pretending to have a heart attack).

I’ve been preaching boundaries and acceptable behavior for many months here, and the reason I do it is because community is important and you cannot have a good relationship without interdependence. Thing is, you won’t choose that if you’re not solid and safe in your boundaries first.

This is where the title to the article comes in. You see, there are stages of growth that every person goes through¹.

First, you’re dependent. We typically associate this with childhood because the way children are dependent is big and obvious. They cannot care for themselves, but over time, they learn the skills necessary to do so. The thing is, often people are emotionally dependent long after they’re no longer so physically. You are emotionally dependent if your sense of self-worth and security derives from the continuing nurturing of another person.

I’ll tell on myself. I was in my late thirties before I moved away being emotionally dependent on someone. So, just so you know, there’s no high horse about this sort of thing coming from me. I got lucky and was forced into the next stage.

Yep, Independence.

Now many people are physically independent even before they hit their twenties. That’s really cool. But to be in keeping with the poly theme, I wanna talk more about emotional independence. Boy, oh boy, that sounds all cool and self-sufficient, doesn’t it? Yep, I can take care of myself, I don’t depend on anyone for my needs…. Wow, this is awesome!

It is awesome, and a fun feeling.

But there’s one more step — Interdependence. This is when you’re relying mutually on each other(s) in support of a common goal such as family, childrearing or some other community goal.

Interdependence can’t happen, by the way, unless you’ve been independent. It’s a necessary stage. If you’ve skipped the whole independence thing, you’re probably dependent, no matter how it looks otherwise.

Interdependence is where a good poly relationship happens. It’s where individuals, perfectly capable of and relaxed at the prospect of being self-reliant, self-supporting and perfect fine and happy with self-care can mutually agree to a level of support and care between each other. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say that until you reach the whole interdependent level, you’re really not ready to have poly relationships at all.

So, where are you in your personal development?

If you’re saying, “I need my SO.” or “Life wouldn’t be worth living without X”, you’re dependent². It might be productive to take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself if you like where you are. If you do, well, good luck with that. It’s a somewhat dangerous path, but can be a valid choice. Just do it with your eyes open. If you aren’t too happy with it, there are a range of options. Counseling can be useful. You might find mental exercises where you mentally replace the word “need” with “want” for anything not having to do with your physical survival³. Try exercises that make you aware that you’re responsible for your own emotional well-being. Consistently ask yourself how you can meet your own emotional desires. Make sure you’re not throwing them aside to care for others, as well.

If you’re independent, make sure you check that it’s a choice rather than a fear of closeness. It’s a valid choice in a lot of circumstances, but you want to be sure you’re open to the benefits of community — of serving and being served.

When you get to an interdependent situation, do keep in mind that there’s a serious mutuality going on there! You might be spending a lot of time in service to others, but those others are going to be spending a lot of time in service to you. Remember to accept the help. If you’re not accepting the help and care as well as giving it, you’re actually in a weird cycle of dependence or co-dependence. Mutuality is the key. I mean, we all know giving is fun, right? Yes, yes, yes, enjoy yourself in it, but don’t hog all the fun. Let your loves have the pleasure of doing the same!

¹Please note that I did not say, “Every child goes through”. Sure, it’d be great if we did all go through these stages in childhood, but the simple fact of the matter is that in our culture and the way many people are reared, we don’t. So don’t beat yourself up no matter what stage you’re in. It won’t help you and just makes you feel bad.

² Like I said, been there, done that, and it wasn’t so long ago. No beatin’ yourselves up if this is where you are. It’s not productive, but it doesn’t make you bad.

³ Don’t go overboard with this. If you don’t thrive in a household where there’s a lot of shouting or little privacy, you don’t. Just do your very best to detach how you thrive emotionally from a dependence on other people’s behaviors.

“My idea is simple- everyone needs a blow job, a cookie, and a nap. If that happens, world peace will ensue.”

— The Mad Pirate Bippy

I like pithy statements, as they often illustrate principles.

The Blow-job, cookie and nap (usually abbreviated to BCN) is often prescribed on the PolyFamilies discussion group when someone’s seeming Just a Bit Too Cranky. This isnt’ done as a sneer, but in an honest attempt to be helpful. I’ve always really liked the idea, and not just because orgasms, something sweet and a good nap are all fun things.

Nope, I like it because it’s sensible.

If you’re cranky, tired and overwrought, something to relax you, a nice nap and something to eat is pretty restorative. Just as I discuss in the H.A.L.T post, it deals with the basic biological stuff so you can wake up and think more clearly.¹

I encourage this as a fun tool in the Relationship Skill Box — not because I believe sex, sleep and cookies is a cure-all. It ain’t². But, you know, sometimes in our daily lives and relationships, we get Just Too Damned Serious, and maybe that mountain would look more like a molehill in the face of a good BCN.

If you’re going to suggest it, I warn you, don’t do it in a condescending way to someone who’s upset. It won’t work. Promise. This is where play and jollying is important. You have to be able to present it in a way the other person will want to play. And don’t use it to get out of being chewed out because you were a jerk, either. It won’t work and might make things worse. If you’re gonna suggest it, the BCN has to come from the heart and with honest play, love and concern. Not only that, your partner’s gotta accept that’s where you’re coming from with it.

Discussions can be interrupted after all. As Edward Martin III comments in On Civilized Discourse,

“If there isn’t visible blood or visible flame, chances are, there’s no rush.
Also Known As: “The Law of Chillin’”.”

A BCN is certainly a good way to chill, and maybe after that nap, you might come up with something productive from your dreams and subconscious. (While the cookie was actually an onigiri and partner was omitted, I did write this upon waking from a nap. <grin>).

¹This is not entirely dependent on having a partner. You can have an orgasm and a nap without one. I often do, even when partnered. Nice way to fall asleep, after all.

²Sorry, Bippy!

Sex is only meaningful when you’re into having a long-term, committed relationship, right? It’s what polyamory is about, right? Committed relationships. We frown on people who “just have sex”.

That, my dears, is so much horse elbows.

First of all, there’s no such thing as “just sex”. That’s a lie adulterers try to tell to wiggle out of their perfidy, to make it seem as if the treachery really weren’t so.

Sex is always and forever tied up the heart and soul of who we are as people. It can be a power thing, a revenge thing, a sharing thing, an expression of soul, a demand of ego, a simple act of generosity and kindness. It can be compassionate, cruel, promoting of life and growth, or base and destructive.

It’s never meaningless. It’s too core to what it is to be human.

The mistake comes in, I think, when we throw a holy aura around some sexual relationships and not others — when we try to differentiate the specialness of one relationship over another in terms of sex.

I should be kinder than to batter your eyes with one of my infrequent attacks of poetry, but.. Well, I’m not.

Fuck the Fairy Tales

They can go to hell

With their “Happily Ever Afters”
And their endless repetitions of One True Love.

Worse than a lie
It’s a poisoned apple so shiny and lovely
That will choke you and leave you cold encased in glass.

The reality is that all Love is True
Or no Love is.

The glass slipper will shatter and slice
Your tender feet until you cannot take a step.

But in the field where your hands callus from the plow
The corn grows and falls in harvest.
Never forever

But…

The reality nourishes in a way
That no gingerbread house ever could.

The same could be said of sex. All sex is meaningful, or no sex is.

The thing is, sometimes the meaning is good — really good. Sometimes it’s not.

People develop their own touchstones for this. While I think “true love” and the whole drama nonsense is a bad one, there are things that can tell you if you’re on the right path.

For me, there is a sense of gratitude. Not as in, “Oh dear God, thank you for deigning to have sex with me.” That’s not very respectful of one’s self, after all. It’s more of a sense of, “I respect me and my individual self, and respect you and your individual self, and here we are sharing this sweet and human thing, isn’t it wonderful? Thank you for that!”

Proposals of contract? Promises of always and forever? You don’t need ‘em.

It’s never meaningless. And when you’re honest with yourself, you’re ensuring the meaning is good.

I used the expression in my Vetos article about the Emotional Bank Account, and would like to explore the concept a little more in depth.

The Emotional Bank Account is the level of trust you and your partner(s) have between each other. The higher the balance in the emotional bank account, the greater slack you’re willing to give (and the greater slack you’ll get, too). Think about the throes of NRE. You’re giddy. You’re excited. You’re getting a lot of emotional positives. In this stage, you tend to give a lot of slack because you’re getting a lot of positive.

Now, even though I am using something of a bookkeeping term here, I discourage actual mental accounting in relationships — i.e. “You went to six parties in the last six weeks and left me home with the kids, so now I’m owed a weekend trip to make up for it.” While yes, a good relationship might seem to have a transactional quality to it, closer examination would show that it’s more about both parties enjoying opportunities to give and allowing their partners the pleasure of giving than being minutely focused on making sure the books stay “even”.¹

So, what can you do to keep that emotional bank account balance high?

Obviously make more deposits than withdrawals. Thing is, this is subtle. Anyone who talks about the emotional bank account is quick to point out that the other person has to see what you do as a deposit. A partner who arranged for me to have a manicure, pedicure, massage and time alone with a word processor and an appletini would be making a big ole whopping deposit. Does sound like Heaven to you? Bet that at least 60% of my readers wouldn’t think so.

This means you have to know your partner, and know her down into her bones. This takes a lot of time and deep attention. If you do this right, you’re going to spend years and years in the learning process. (And that kind of commitment is often a big deposit in and of itself). There’s the big and obvious stuff — allergies, likes, dislikes, what kind of childhood he had. Then there’s the subtle stuff — the impact of one’s childhood, one’s really tender spots, the way tastes might change according to mood.

Another way you can help make deposits in the emotional bank account is to know yourself well enough to be able to give accurate information in the process. Ferinstance, I’m an introvert, right? Alone time! Wheeee!!!! But if I don’t tell a partner that I feel bad when I’m left out, I might not get invited to an event because a partner wants to be kind and offer me alone time. He couldn’t make something that I would percieve as a deposit because he didn’t have all the information!

I suppose I’m being a little obvious in also pointing out that being understanding and trying to assume benevolence on the parts of your partners is probably a good way to start. Not trying to say that motives are always benevolent. Humans are humans and yeah, sometimes we can be nasty critters. But if you’re getting to that point, sometimes the bank account is so withdrawn there’s really no point in continuing the relationship. It happens, and it’s sad. Best thing to do then is walk away and let it go.

But in a solid relationship, the partners will all be looking for ways to keep that balance in the emotional bank account high. Sometimes it can be from very frank conversation about what you’re doing.  Letting someone know you’re very invested in keeping the relationship solid (and then following through with it as best you can) can have an enormous net effect.

¹Interestingly enough, this is also being encouraged as a business model. Check out Never Eat Alone sometime. If the business success is going to the people that are better at relationships, we poly people have even more incentive to have our heads screwed on straight!

I’ve gotten some pokes from various sources saying that I’ve posted a lot about what to run away from, and what to avoid, but what about turning it around?

What do you say “yes” to?

• Mutual support of each others’ goals.

It’s good to cheer on a partner’s accomplishments and it’s good to have your own applauded. Good relationships recognize the personal development of each of its members. You’ve kept the kids quiet while your partner is studying, or you’ve had a partner gallantly put on sound-cancelling earphones so that you can learn to play the violin, haven’t you? That’s good stuff. Good relationships are encouraging of growth and learning.

• Fun

Fun is sometimes underrated. A good relationship can and really ought to have an element of play to it where you’re doing nothing more useful than simple enjoyment. Play is good. You don’t have to have kids to have a squirtgun fight, and being able to lay on the grass and find shapes in the clouds with a love is a good thing.

• Feeling “heard”

When you’re confident that when you speak up, your partner will listen, it’s a very good sign, indeed. Now “listen” does not mean “will automatically do what you want”. It’s when you know that the person will try very hard to understand where you’re coming from, and is interested in your point of view.

• Feeling motivated to listen deeply

The flip side is your own willingness to return the same depth of attention to your partner. When you have a deep drive to understand that person into his bones, you’re coming from a good place.

• Celebrating individuality

A good relationship encourages you to develop yourself as a whole and complete individual. As much as you might want to be with your partner, in a good relationship, instead of feeling dependant, there will be a feeling of interdependence that comes from knowing in your bones you’re self-sufficient and are choosing the wonderful give and take of a relationship that makes being human good.

• Feeling accepted

In a good relationship, you’ll know your partner is fine with you being a geek, or an introvert, or that you’ve a constant desire for activity and company, or that you really just have to keep your cereal bowl in the fridge. You’ll feel good about accepting your partners’ quirks and eccentricities. In fact, the best relationships are the ones where you feel the most grounded in being you. In a good relationship, being fully yourself feels very good, indeed.

Poly is about relationships when it’s all said and done. While it’s much easier to list things to watch out for and run from, the sweet and subtle things to which saying “yes” is a goodness deserving a great deal of attention.

The Western concept of romantic love is appalling and causes a lot of damage. There are days when I want to go back in time and kick Eleanor of Aquitaine’s ass. [1]

Here are the ideas that I see are most common, and ideas I think are about as unproductive as can be.

Love=Romantic Passion.

This idea is first because it is the absolute worst. Do I enjoy romantic passion? C’mon, I’m polyamorous. Of course I do! The crucial thing to remember is that obsessive passion simply is not love. It’s a chemical reaction. Is it fun? Sure. But it’s as addictive as caffeine, cocaine or any other stimulant you might care to think of. Basing a life decision on it is foolish. And have I been such a fool? Of course I have! Haven’t we all? Love, real love, has almost nothing to do with either emotion or chemicals. And for all that the whole polyamorous “It’s not about the sex” mantra frustrates the living soul out of me, there is one thing that is correct: love is not about sex.

Love as defined as romantic passion is forever, and if it goes away, then it must be that it was not True Love.

No. I sometimes wonder if when in the initial throes of romantic passion if love is even possible. You see, one of the issues of romantic passion is a perceived dissolution of ego boundaries. You’ve probably all heard the phrase “I and my beloved are one.” The thing is, that when the chemicals that cause romantic passion go away, the ego boundaries snap back into place. Lotta people don’t like when this happens and will often go rushing off for the new high – that new feeling of “oneness”, without stopping to examine what the natural stages of a mature relationship are or can grow into.

The person to person adult love is only possible in a “self” to “self” – a relationship in which you no longer have that addictive need for your partner. If you’re addicted to the romantic high, you’ve actually objectified your partner and turned him/her into a commodity. Can you love (as in have a personal relationship with) coffee or cocaine? No, but you might find the withdrawal unpleasant when you cannot get it. “It” is the operative word here. You love people. Once you turn that person into an “it” or a thing, love isn’t even possible.[2]

I am not at all trying to assert that you must be unemotional and passionless to love. In a healthy, fulfilling person to person adult relationship, there will be play, laughter, tears, snuggling, lovemaking and all those things that humans do to be close. Anyone who has had a long term relationship of the sort I am describing will still feel warmed by a particular look in his partner’s eyes, will still find the warmth of his touch exciting – all of that I’m certainly not saying that you shouldn’t care whether or not you keep the relationship. Of course you care! That’s the point! It’s just that the ego boundaries will be firmly in place, you each will respect and even honor each others’ individuality, and you’re not panicked at losing your “fix”. You won’t panic if something happens and the relationship goes away.

Romantic Passion is a good basis for choosing life partners.

Choosing a romantic partner whose values are very different from your own is going to make for a bad life partnership. Now I want to differentiate between values and tastes. If you like free-form jazz and your partner prefers baroque, or you like Indian cuisine and your partner prefers steak and potatos, it a matter of taste, not values. I also want to make it clear that when I say values, I do not necessarily mean “morality.” There are people whose personal values are such that they set their careers above all else in their lives. This is neither moral nor immoral, but a matter of what that person… values. Values can include morality, of course. My values are such that I would not be able to have a successful relationship with a serial killer.

A successful life partnership will be with someone whose values are similar to yours. Note that I said “similar”, because after all, love occurs between individuals. Individuals will have differences. If you could quantify it (which you really cannot, other than a very rough approximation), you might want to say that you don’t want more than a 15% variation from your own values. Any more than that, and that relationship will really only feel good as long as the chemistry lasts.

Interestingly enough, when the idea of courtly love as we know it started, it was never intended to be a life partnership such as a marriage. By its very nature, it was supposed to be adulterous, and having nothing to do with the duties and obligations attendant upon the noble[3] marriage relationship. Even in the stories of Guinevere and Lancelot, the whole thing fell apart when they attempted to move in together.

Okay, so here I go on about what ain’t love. So what is love?

In spite of my deep love of the book Stranger in a Strange Land, I have to admit that Jubal Harshaw’s definition, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of the other person is essential to your own” is a bit off base. You see, I could love someone who has a mental illness such as depression, and while loving that person deeply, might still be happy myself.

I like M. Scott Peck’s version a lot better — “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Do notice that the way Peck expressed that. He did not say “oneself”. He said, “one’s self”. This is an important distinction. Selfhood, individuality and self-ownership are very important to the exercise of (if you will excuse the expression) true love. You cannot love someone else until you have a fairly solid sense of your own self.

Love is also a choice. This is where it differs quite a bit from romantic passion. Have any of you fallen hard for someone you wish you hadn’t? (I have in the past). But when it’s love, when you’re there willing to extend yourself for that person’s spiritual growth, you find yourself making conscious choices. You also find yourself setting personal boundaries such that you’re in a position to be more capable of investing yourself in another’s personal growth as needed. As the other person decides he needs you, and you decide you can give, mindja. I don’t suppose anyone who has read my stuff thinks I’m into that “for your own good” nonsense in an adult relationship.

[1] Eleanor of Aquitaine was one of the principal architects of the whole “Courtly Love” tradition, from which we Westerner have drawn many of our ideas of love and romance. In fact the word “romance” itself comes from the narrative poems about chivalric heroes and their ladies.

[2] “And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.” Granny Weatherwax in Carpe Jugulum, by Terry Pratchett. (And you can stop that damned eyerolling. Pratchett is a very wise man, and the character of Esme Weatherwax is actually a pretty loving person).

[3] As in social class nobility. Peasants didn’t have time for all that stuff.