The Polyamorous Misanthrope » Love

Where’s the Love?

Goddess of Java — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:53:03 +0000

I have a fundamental flaw that is of course so embedded in my personality, that I cannot recognize it. Maybe you can help.

I fall in love with plain, vanilla women for about a year, sometimes less sometimes much longer. At the end, I find myself searching for someone who is as un-vanilla as I can find. I break up with my vanilla love and then join my kinky friend. Only to long for the love I gave up.

Everyone ends up getting hurt. Yet the pattern repeats. Like the story of falling into the pothole. I would like to not even walk down that street.

I think maybe I am poly and am unable to reach some kind of self-code of action. Is there some kind of test or description that fits poly. And yes, this is my shit and I do own it. But I sure as hell would like to get rid of it.

The first question I’d ask is, “Where’s the love?” No seriously. I’m not talking about sexual hots here. Not to run it down (’cause it’s awesome), but I tend to be a bit unromantic when it comes to actual love. ”I’m gonna dump you for the kinky when vanilla gets too much” doesn’t taste much like love to me. Yes, yes, it’s not your intention to do such a thing, but you’ve a pattern of doing it, and that does speak of an underlying issue. Think about what love is to you. If it’s primarily driven by a perception of emotion, you may be calling something love that isn’t love. It’s an easy mistake to make. I think most of us do, especially with the One True Love message we get from books, movies, television, songs, you name it.

Now, to give you the benefit of the doubt, it is possible that your sexual desires and what you do best with in a living day to day situation has some differences. That’s not too terribly unusual, and plenty of poly people live with it. However, if you don’t tend to enjoy vanilla sex, for pity’s sake, don’t date vanilla chicks! There’s not much that’ll trump good partner selection when it comes to any relationship style — poly or otherwise.

Now, maybe you like kinky and vanilla. Plenty do. And poly is a good way to deal with that if you have a partner who is all one way or the other. While I’m not a behavioral expert, I expect it’s not as binary as all that.

Another thing you might want to think about: Just because you have the hots for someone doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with them. That ties into the good partner selection thing. For example, if you are into someone, but don’t want an LDR, you don’t date someone on the opposite coast no matter how into them you are or how wonderful they are. Since this four paragraph letter is really all I have to go on, I’m making a leap here in trying any sort of diagnosis, but it does seem that it’s possible that you think if you have the hots for someone who is interested in you, that you have to have a relationship with that person.

You don’t.

I know everything from The Princess Bride on down will tell you that’s the way True Love works. It’s also a big ole steamin’ pile of nonsense.

As to the question about whether or not you are poly? I have no idea, but I do have one question to ask you: How do you feel about your partner also being free to have other loves (even ones the same sex as you, if you’re mostly hetero). If you’re not okay with that? I don’t think poly would work out well for you in the long run. And before I get a flood of people defending the One Penis (or Vagina) Policy in relationships, I stick to finding inequitable relationships distasteful. It’s one thing when the dice fall that way. It can happen. It’s entirely another when there’s a rule about it, and 99.99% of the time, it’s about someone not wanting to confront their own feelings of jealousy or insecurity.

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Can a Polyamorous Marriage Last?

Goddess of Java — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 15:19:33 +0000

Today, my husband and I have been married twenty years.

Now, unlike a lot of married couples, we never were monogamous. It’s part of the reason why I choke when people ask how to transition from a monogamous relationship to a poly one. Buggered if I know a thing about it.

So, things should have been wonderful, smooth sailing for we, the couple who had everything on board and saw eye to eye about such things, right?

Everyone that knows us can stop laughing hysterically now.

The reality is that we were kids when we married – just twenty and twenty-one years old. We spent the next two decades trying to work out a lot of really serious stuff. We misunderstood how each other thought, where certain values came from, what was the motivation for each others’ incredibly irritating behaviors.

This is not to paint a picture of a bad marriage, though[1]. Those things did happen. And like in many relationships, it nearly drove us to dissolve the partnership.

Except for a big honking basic – and one that caused us not to want to dissolve it at all. Love? Naw. Love’s great and yes, I love The Prince a great deal. But no, love wasn’t it.

We’re actually really good partners.

Once we got over some rather childish communication issues, we got back to what got us together in the first place. It took longer than grownups should have taken to learn to be open with each other, to say no when we didn’t want to do something[2], and to realize that given that we’re the damnedest mixture of traditional and outré, that we were going to have to do a lot of Relationship Rulebook Writing on our own.

Strange as it may seem, even though we were poly, we still had a hard time chucking a lot of the joined at the hip stuff a lot of married couples think they have to have to be a good marriage. Our marriage is a lot more about two independent people choosing to be together than social constructs.

And there’s where poly marriages can be difficult. There’s no real roadmap. We have certain ideas about what marriages and relationships should look like. Once you step off that map, you have a considerably less clear idea about what to look for when checking on the health of a relationship.

Here’s my personal checklist for my own life these days:

Are we telling each other the truth?

This really should be a no-brainer for any relationship. What we’ve found interesting between ourselves is that both of us have a terrible habit of wanting to be kind and accommodating, only to find we’re saying yes to stuff we’re not cool with. Life’s gotten a lot nicer now that we stopped that nonsense.

Are we having fun regularly? Do we laugh together?

Yes, fun in a relationship is really important. REALLY important. I put it up there with earning a living and making sure that the kids get proper meals. When you stop laughing together, things have gone really wrong.

Do we give each other courage in the bad times?

This is a hard one. When everyone is stressed out and upset, it’s easy to turn in on yourself. I think a mutual commitment to help each other keep spirits up during difficulties is an important part of long-term commitments.

Do we have things we create together?

This is possibly a personal quirk, but I prefer relationships where we’re creating something together every now and thing.

Are we supportive of individual projects?

We have our own projects, too. Being supportive of the individual as well as the group relationship efforts is important.

So, in closing, Happy 20^th anniversary to The Prince. I’m glad I chose to be with you, and am glad that I chose to continue to do so. I love you.

[1] Not that parts did not get very bad, indeed.

[2] Liking to be accommodating isn’t always a relationship plus, believe it or not.

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Comparing? Maybe It Doesn’t Help

Goddess of Java — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 04:00:22 +0000

That was the best sex/meal/evening I ever had!

Ever said anything like that? Ever said anything like that to a lover what wasn’t included in on said activity? What kind of reaction did you get? Maybe none. Maybe one that wasn’t so nice. For any human being that ever has the slightest bit of insecurity (and to be honest, I’m hard put to think of someone who has none at all), sometimes there is a little “Am I really good enough?” going on in the back of their minds.

People like to feel special and unique. Fortunately, they are, which is really cool. But it means that comparisons can be pretty insensitive and unproductive, possibly even a little untruthful. It’s best to avoid them. While I wouldn’t encourage untruthfulness, it might do you good in your relationships to decide if comparison really is going to be the most loving thing to do.

This isn’t to say you need to pretend you didn’t have a great meal or a really good time, either. Truthfulness is good. You can say, “I had a wonderful evening,” and be truthful without making an implied negative comparison about someone that, in theory, you love.

Part of the fun of poly, I think, is that you can appreciate a partner for exactly the person they are without feeling the need to compare or worry about the whole, “trading up” thing. People are unique. Each and every relationship is unique because relationships are made up of those unique people. Celebrate that. It really is part of the fun of being poly.

I’ve had lovers that were extraordinarily well-hung and liked the whole pounding you to the mattress thing, I’ve had lovers that were super hot to look at, lovers that were fantastic at cunnilingus, lovers who were amazingly sensitive about catching cues, lovers who were into some really delightfully kinky stuff, lovers whose idea of a good time was junk food and movie, lovers whose idea of a good time was a political debate, lovers who wanted to go out and party until you dropped, lovers who enjoyed a combination of all that…

Each person is a unique human being, and enjoying that time for exactly what it is without making the comparisons is probably the loving way to go.

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Preachin’ to the Choir

Goddess of Java — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:12:10 +0000

In an unusual and unscheduled post, I’d encourage people to check this out. It’s quite eloquent.

If it ain’t about love…

If you’re having a hard time with the video, the text is here.

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A Good Touchstone

Goddess of Java — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 04:00:13 +0000

We all have our standards for choosing loves. That’s cool. We should.

I’d like to share one of mine: How does he treat someone he isn’t interested in gettin’ busy with?

If there’s a significant gap in kindness, courtesy or respect, I take a pass on that relationship.

Not sayin’ one shouldn’t have criteria, notice. The guy who’s interested in me prolly either is really, really into curves or brains. That’s all good. We all have our tastes, and being desired can feel good. But if I hear him refer to the wispy little thing as a “skinny bitch”, or a reasonably decent person who’s not too bright disparagingly, my interest is gonna be gone.

It’s a variant on “If she’s nice to you and rude to the wait staff, she’s not a nice person.”

I almost think, sometimes, that there is this underlying cultural idea that it’s okay to be a little hostile to people who don’t “measure up” to your views of sexual attractiveness. It’s as if humans pay rent on this planet by being sexy, and deserve a little punishment if they don’t. Eavesdrop on group of men or women talking sometimes, when the subject of sexual attractiveness comes around. They can get harsh.

And no, I don’t buy the “Well, we’re biologically programmed to reproduce, so of course we’re going to behave that way. You can’t escape biology.” I’d be willing to bet that none of my male readers have raped a woman that smells like she’s ovulating. You’ve proven you’re not at the mercy of your biological imperatives. Biology drives us to a certain extent, yes, but we get a choice in our behavior, too.

You don’t owe everyone sexual interest, of course. (Who’d have the time?) I’m just talking courtesy, even behind their backs.

Don’t take it to mean that it’s bad to express your tastes. You can do that without slamming the person. “He doesn’t have a physique/IQ that’s to my tastes” is okay. You’re not calling names or being discourteous about a person.

This isn’t about being fluffybunny. You can have your flinty, stern standards (God knows I do!) and still be a decent human being.

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Relationship Broken, Add More People

Goddess of Java — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 04:00:28 +0000

Polyamorous literature is full of touching stories of how opening a marriage rekindled a deep and abiding love between the original couple and deepen their relationship.

You think I’m gonna sneer, ain’tcha?

Nope. I’m not. I think many of those stories are quite true and are wonderful tales to tell. I do want to point out a serious problem with these stories. People mistakenly think that opening the relationship was the solution rather than a side effect to other things that couple probably did before opening the relationship.

Plenty of poly people have been guilty of this one. I’ve seen it once or twice among people who were very proud of their emotional maturity, too.

But if you’re bored, if things are tepid between you and your mate, if you’re feeling stifled…

Adding more people is not magically going to help your original relationship.

Oh, polyamory may be the way to go, it really might. But you want to settle the issues between yourself and your mate first! If you don’t want to do it for yourselves, dear Lord, at least think of the people you’ll be getting involved with! Presumably you’re thinking that if you open your relationship you might actually love the people you’re getting involved with. Do you want to drop them in the middle of an unpleasant mess?

Worse, are you really okay with using a person as a band-aid for your original relationship? (I’ll pay you the compliment of assuming not).

So, how’s those communication skills? How are you guys connecting? Do you feel okay with being vulnerable with your mate?

If things are a little blah between you, and you’re willing to do this work first, yes yes yes, you’re going to find a wonderful re-connection and rekindling. It won’t be polyamory that did it, though, but a mutual willingness to open up, communicate and be vulnerable.

And yes, that’ll help the poly part, too.

Just, make sure you get these things in the right order!

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You Don’t Have to Do It

Goddess of Java — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:00:19 +0000

I’ve been watching on several polyamory boards to see people trying to make themselves okay with being in polyamorous relationships. I’ve seen descriptions of people feeling like their hearts are being ripped out. I’ve seen descriptions of people wanting to curl into a ball and cry while their partners are with other people. I’ve even had communication with people who wanted me to help them be okay with having sex with people they didn’t want to sleep with, but partners wanted them to because they thought that was “how you did poly”¹.

I find these posts heartbreaking.

Poly is not martyrdom, and taking pride in being a martyr isn’t going to help you live to the fullest. If you hate it, if it feels wrong, if you feel dirty or betrayed or like you have to force yourself into something:

Maybe poly isn’t for you.

It’s not an enlightened way to be. It’s just a choice that works for some people. It’s a preference that has no more to do with goodness, enlightenment or value than preferring linguine to rice.

There are dozens of reasons why people make themselves try to be okay with poly. Maybe she don’t want to lose a beloved partner. Maybe her partner tried monogamy for her and was unhappy. Maybe they saw it as a way to try to stay together. These things all look so loving and noble. I’m all for love, I really am. I just don’t think that going through pain and suffering is somehow the hallmark of a “worthy relationship”. I don’t find choosing suffering necessarily noble. It’s too close to the mindset of the woman who is proud of herself for her endurance when it comes to accepting an abusive mate.

I’m not saying polyamorous/monogamous pairing are bad². Not at all! But in the good ones, the monogamous member isn’t curling up in a ball when his polyamorous partner is out with another love, either. In a healthy poly/mono pairing, the monogamous partner has his own full life, ya know. She’s not curled into a ball weeping when her partner isn’t with her. He’s got friends and projects and family and is living a busy, happy life — when his partner is around and when he’s alone.

I’m also not saying that twinges of discomfort are reasons to drop a relationship. There’s an enormous difference between, “Dammit, I feel lonely and at a loose end and wish I were out having fun, too” and curling up in a little ball and crying your eyes out because you feel so abandoned, alone and unloved. The healthiest of people have down times and the best relationships do, too.

So what do you do when you’re really not okay with poly and your partner is unhappy monogamous?

That’s a rough one. I’ve been accused, since reviving the Polyamorous Misanthrope column, of seeing relationships as disposable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Commodities are disposable. People and relationships are not commodities. Relationships are forever and always about individuals humans and the different ways we merge and change and bump against each other.

I do not believe that there is any great value in white-knuckling it through a romantic relationship. Suck it up and deal to make sure the kids are properly taken care of and nurtured? Sure. I will point out that doesn’t require a romantic relationship³.

I’m increasingly of the opinion that the only good ways to conduct a relationship are going for the “win-win” or the “no deal”. If you can find a way to be happy and fulfilled with one partner poly and the other not, that’s wonderful! Go for it and enjoy. It can and does happen. It doesn’t happen by making yourself do or be what you are not. At that point, I strongly encourage the “no deal”. When I say “no deal” I don’t mean anger, bitterness or hostility. Just, with a blessing let ‘em go. It’s probably gonna hurt. But it is a good way to happiness in the long run, no kidding. Some people, no matter how much they love each other, aren’t compatible in the long run. Believe it or not, you can and do get over it and into creating a life for yourself where you’re not curled into a ball weeping several nights a month.

¹ That’s not “how you do poly”. It comes very, very close to (and sometimes is) “how you do abuse”.

² It’s rarely the relationship form, but how you conduct the relationship that’s the issue.

³ Of all the bills of goods we get sold, the one about parents having to stay in love until the kids are grown to rear children properly is one of the more obnoxious and destructive ones.

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But I NEED You!

Goddess of Java — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:00:37 +0000

I’ve been in sexual relationships for over twenty years as well as having made a study of them in the last seven. The more I study, the more I see that many problems in relationships seem to be problems of dependence and commodifying a partner.

Dependence comes in many forms — emotional, physical, financial. If you are in any way of the mindset, “I’m screwed if I must live without my Dear Love,” you’re no longer in a relationship involving equals and choice. You are not with that person solely because you choose to be with that person. At least part of the relationship is tainted by a commodity that your Dear Love supplies.

This commodity could be myriad in nature. If you’re monogamous (or exclusive in any way), it could be something as simple as sex. If you’re a housewife without the emotional understanding that you do have marketable skills, you depend on your SO for food and shelter, for God’s sake — your actual physical survival. That’s heavy stuff. You’ve very much removed an equals mindset. (Remember, I was a housewife for over 11 years, so this is not a high horse, but a deeply considered opinion backed up by painful experience). The commodity could be emotional in nature. I can recall an SO being my basic emotional reason for staying alive. That’s a nowhere place for anyone on either side of that prickly fence. The true relationship of equals can only happen when you say, “Yes, I love you and want to be with you, but if something happens where I am not longer with you, no matter how much it will suck and how painful it will be, I am fully confident that I will have a rich and fulfilling life.”

I’m not saying that it’s desirable to be cavalier about your love. If you lose a loved one, it hurts. There’s just a difference between “hurts” and an idea that your life is somehow not going to be any good any more if you don’t have that partner. It’s important to realize that your quality of life is in your own hands even if things go south between you and your partner.

To have a full relationship between equals, there must be no dependence. You really cannot need ¹ your partner, but must be with said partner because it is a free choice made from a position of strength and independence. No, this does not make for a tepid relationship. No, it won’t have the bright crayon strokes of drama. Instead, the pleasures will be subtler and more natural. Bright and beautiful? Sure, but the brightness will be the restrained choice and beauty of a Maxfield Parrish painting. Instead of the scotch bonnet spiciness of mono-faceted flavor, it will have the blended richness and satisfaction of a good curry while still retaining a fair amount of that wonderful spice.

¹Just because I know I’m gonna get this as a reply from someone please allow me to point out that if you have physical issues your partner is helping you with, your need is for help, not the specific individual.

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Thou Art God

Goddess of Java — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 04:00:25 +0000

That pantheistic, mystical “Thou art God!” chorus that runs through the book is not offered as a creed, but as an existentialist assumption of personal responsibility, devoid of all godding. It says, “Don’t appeal for mercy to God the Father up in the sky, little man, because he’s not at home and never was at home, and couldn’t care less. What you do with yourself, whether you are happy or unhappy–live or die–is strictly your business and the universe doesn’t care. In fact, you may be be the universe and the only cause for your troubles. But, at best, the most you can hope for is comradeship with comrades no more divine (or just as divine) as you are. So quit sniveling and face up to it — “Thou art God!”

– October 21, 1960 Robert A. Heinlein to Lurton Blassingame

Grumbles from the Grave, Virginia G. Heinlein, ed.

It’s all your creation.

No, really, it is. Your entire life is what you made it.

No, don’t tell me how rotten your parents were to you, or tell me horror stories about bad partners. Not saying that what got done to you might not have sucked. It probably did. I’ve heard some horror stories in my time and I am genuinely sorry for anyone who has had a rough time. I ain’t trying to blow off the fact that things happen that really are terrible.

Thing is, no matter what got done to you, what you did with it is actually what makes your life.

And what makes your life is utterly, totally and completely up to you.

You’re free. Right now. In this very second, you are completely free to choose what you want to do with your life. You might feel like this is not so, but I promise you that who you are, where you are and what you are is due to the choices you made. If you do not like any of these things, you are free to make different choices to change them.

“Free to choose” does not mean that your choice will be easy, or the execution of a particular desire will be automatic. That’s where a lot of people trip up. They think if it ain’t easy, or if it’s got a heavy price, then they aren’t really free. Many times, choices can have a heavy price, indeed. But don’t think you can escape the price of your choices.

Friends, life doesn’t work that way.

“‘Thou art God.’ It’s not a message of cheer and hope, Jubal. It’s a defiance–and an unafraid unabashed assumption of personal responsibility… But I rarely put it over… The notion that the effort has to be their own… and that all the trouble they are in is of their own doing.. is one they can’t or won’t entertain.”

Thing is, even if you do accept this personal responsibility, there’s one more great nasty pitfall waiting for you.

Guilt.

God, what a horrid, poisonous little barb that can be. You can choose to be paralyzed by it. You have one more escape clause if you want to avoid taking responsibility for yourself. You can choose to hate yourself, and not act because you’re so rotten — because you made such bad and foolish and unloving and unworkable choices. You can hate yourself down into your bones for how terrible you are, and then you can be paralyzed from acting and wave your bleeding wounds like a flag.

If you think I’m saying that self hatred is a form of procrastination and laziness, you’re very right. It is. Hating yourself is a block to change, or trying to weasel out of accepting what is. Think about it, if I want to be able to bench press 40 lbs, and I can only bench 12, hating myself is not going to help. Lifting that 12 lbs until it’s easy and then lifting something that’s heavier is what’s going to do the real good. The only thing self-hatred and guilt is going to do is give you a socially acceptable excuse not to try. People pity those in pain, as they should, but sometimes it’s weaseling. It also lets you avoid confronting the idea that maybe you don’t particularly want to work on whatever it is you feel guilty about. Me? I say step up to the plate and admit you don’t want to work on whatever it is and let it go. You’re already dealing with the consequences of your choices, so what the hell?

It’s a very freeing feeling to realize that everything you do, you choose to do. It’s also a great way to get rid of the guilt monster.

Not too long ago, one of my kids was ill and up a lot in the night. I got very little sleep attending to the child. Now, I normally get up around 0500 so that I can be at the gym to work out when it opens¹. I chose not to go and swim that morning. Not “I was up with a sick child and could not go”. I chose not to go. Conscious. Decided. Understanding the consequences. I also chose to lose sleep to attend to the child². Because I knew these were conscious choices, I did spend my time frustrated at what was going on, but simply dealt with what was in front of me free from any anger or resentment at loss of sleep.

Tonight, I am choosing to have my favorite Appletini. As a beginning bodybuilder, I know that alcohol adds excess calories that do nothing to help build muscles — indeed is catabolic to them, and suppresses the testosterone I need to build muscle, while preventing fat metabolism. I accept this choice. I will never look like a fitness model choosing this. And I am choosing to enjoy my drink. Because I am choosing it with open eyes, I have the opportunity to look at it free of guilt and self hatred and any of that foolishness.

Facing up to the fact that everything you do is something you’re choosing can be difficult. Sometimes you learn some not so flattering things about yourself³. Sometimes you take a good, hard look and realize you’ve been making some choices that are very pleasing to you, indeed.

But in all ways it is freeing. It frees you from resentment, because you accept that everything you do is a choice. How can you resent someone else if you’re the one choosing? It frees you to act with wisdom because you’re conscious that every minute you’re choosing your behavior, and constructing your future.

¹I’m not really all that fond of working out, but I want to get stronger. So I choose to go early and get it out of the way so I don’t wind up wasting time making excuses.

²Of course it was a choice. People do choose not to look after their children, after all. It’s not a choice I admire, but it’s a choice.

³And learning to face up to that without using the escape of self-hatred is quite the challenge!

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Dependent/Independent/Interdependent

Goddess of Java — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 04:00:40 +0000

Community is important. (Yeah, yeah, I know, big shock that I’d say that. Stop pretending to have a heart attack).

I’ve been preaching boundaries and acceptable behavior for many months here, and the reason I do it is because community is important and you cannot have a good relationship without interdependence. Thing is, you won’t choose that if you’re not solid and safe in your boundaries first.

This is where the title to the article comes in. You see, there are stages of growth that every person goes through¹.

First, you’re dependent. We typically associate this with childhood because the way children are dependent is big and obvious. They cannot care for themselves, but over time, they learn the skills necessary to do so. The thing is, often people are emotionally dependent long after they’re no longer so physically. You are emotionally dependent if your sense of self-worth and security derives from the continuing nurturing of another person.

I’ll tell on myself. I was in my late thirties before I moved away being emotionally dependent on someone. So, just so you know, there’s no high horse about this sort of thing coming from me. I got lucky and was forced into the next stage.

Yep, Independence.

Now many people are physically independent even before they hit their twenties. That’s really cool. But to be in keeping with the poly theme, I wanna talk more about emotional independence. Boy, oh boy, that sounds all cool and self-sufficient, doesn’t it? Yep, I can take care of myself, I don’t depend on anyone for my needs…. Wow, this is awesome!

It is awesome, and a fun feeling.

But there’s one more step — Interdependence. This is when you’re relying mutually on each other(s) in support of a common goal such as family, childrearing or some other community goal.

Interdependence can’t happen, by the way, unless you’ve been independent. It’s a necessary stage. If you’ve skipped the whole independence thing, you’re probably dependent, no matter how it looks otherwise.

Interdependence is where a good poly relationship happens. It’s where individuals, perfectly capable of and relaxed at the prospect of being self-reliant, self-supporting and perfect fine and happy with self-care can mutually agree to a level of support and care between each other. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say that until you reach the whole interdependent level, you’re really not ready to have poly relationships at all.

So, where are you in your personal development?

If you’re saying, “I need my SO.” or “Life wouldn’t be worth living without X”, you’re dependent². It might be productive to take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself if you like where you are. If you do, well, good luck with that. It’s a somewhat dangerous path, but can be a valid choice. Just do it with your eyes open. If you aren’t too happy with it, there are a range of options. Counseling can be useful. You might find mental exercises where you mentally replace the word “need” with “want” for anything not having to do with your physical survival³. Try exercises that make you aware that you’re responsible for your own emotional well-being. Consistently ask yourself how you can meet your own emotional desires. Make sure you’re not throwing them aside to care for others, as well.

If you’re independent, make sure you check that it’s a choice rather than a fear of closeness. It’s a valid choice in a lot of circumstances, but you want to be sure you’re open to the benefits of community — of serving and being served.

When you get to an interdependent situation, do keep in mind that there’s a serious mutuality going on there! You might be spending a lot of time in service to others, but those others are going to be spending a lot of time in service to you. Remember to accept the help. If you’re not accepting the help and care as well as giving it, you’re actually in a weird cycle of dependence or co-dependence. Mutuality is the key. I mean, we all know giving is fun, right? Yes, yes, yes, enjoy yourself in it, but don’t hog all the fun. Let your loves have the pleasure of doing the same!

¹Please note that I did not say, “Every child goes through”. Sure, it’d be great if we did all go through these stages in childhood, but the simple fact of the matter is that in our culture and the way many people are reared, we don’t. So don’t beat yourself up no matter what stage you’re in. It won’t help you and just makes you feel bad.

² Like I said, been there, done that, and it wasn’t so long ago. No beatin’ yourselves up if this is where you are. It’s not productive, but it doesn’t make you bad.

³ Don’t go overboard with this. If you don’t thrive in a household where there’s a lot of shouting or little privacy, you don’t. Just do your very best to detach how you thrive emotionally from a dependence on other people’s behaviors.

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