The Polyamorous Misanthrope

The Western concept of romantic love is appalling and causes a lot of damage. There are days when I want to go back in time and kick Eleanor of Aquitaine’s ass. [1]

Here are the ideas that I see are most common, and ideas I think are about as unproductive as can be.

Love=Romantic Passion.

This idea is first because it is the absolute worst. Do I enjoy romantic passion? C’mon, I’m polyamorous. Of course I do! The crucial thing to remember is that obsessive passion simply is not love. It’s a chemical reaction. Is it fun? Sure. But it’s as addictive as caffeine, cocaine or any other stimulant you might care to think of. Basing a life decision on it is foolish. And have I been such a fool? Of course I have! Haven’t we all? Love, real love, has almost nothing to do with either emotion or chemicals. And for all that the whole polyamorous “It’s not about the sex” mantra frustrates the living soul out of me, there is one thing that is correct: love is not about sex.

Love as defined as romantic passion is forever, and if it goes away, then it must be that it was not True Love.

No. I sometimes wonder if when in the initial throes of romantic passion if love is even possible. You see, one of the issues of romantic passion is a perceived dissolution of ego boundaries. You’ve probably all heard the phrase “I and my beloved are one.” The thing is, that when the chemicals that cause romantic passion go away, the ego boundaries snap back into place. Lotta people don’t like when this happens and will often go rushing off for the new high – that new feeling of “oneness”, without stopping to examine what the natural stages of a mature relationship are or can grow into.

The person to person adult love is only possible in a “self” to “self” – a relationship in which you no longer have that addictive need for your partner. If you’re addicted to the romantic high, you’ve actually objectified your partner and turned him/her into a commodity. Can you love (as in have a personal relationship with) coffee or cocaine? No, but you might find the withdrawal unpleasant when you cannot get it. “It” is the operative word here. You love people. Once you turn that person into an “it” or a thing, love isn’t even possible.[2]

I am not at all trying to assert that you must be unemotional and passionless to love. In a healthy, fulfilling person to person adult relationship, there will be play, laughter, tears, snuggling, lovemaking and all those things that humans do to be close. Anyone who has had a long term relationship of the sort I am describing will still feel warmed by a particular look in his partner’s eyes, will still find the warmth of his touch exciting – all of that I’m certainly not saying that you shouldn’t care whether or not you keep the relationship. Of course you care! That’s the point! It’s just that the ego boundaries will be firmly in place, you each will respect and even honor each others’ individuality, and you’re not panicked at losing your “fix”. You won’t panic if something happens and the relationship goes away.

Romantic Passion is a good basis for choosing life partners.

Choosing a romantic partner whose values are very different from your own is going to make for a bad life partnership. Now I want to differentiate between values and tastes. If you like free-form jazz and your partner prefers baroque, or you like Indian cuisine and your partner prefers steak and potatos, it a matter of taste, not values. I also want to make it clear that when I say values, I do not necessarily mean “morality.” There are people whose personal values are such that they set their careers above all else in their lives. This is neither moral nor immoral, but a matter of what that person… values. Values can include morality, of course. My values are such that I would not be able to have a successful relationship with a serial killer.

A successful life partnership will be with someone whose values are similar to yours. Note that I said “similar”, because after all, love occurs between individuals. Individuals will have differences. If you could quantify it (which you really cannot, other than a very rough approximation), you might want to say that you don’t want more than a 15% variation from your own values. Any more than that, and that relationship will really only feel good as long as the chemistry lasts.

Interestingly enough, when the idea of courtly love as we know it started, it was never intended to be a life partnership such as a marriage. By its very nature, it was supposed to be adulterous, and having nothing to do with the duties and obligations attendant upon the noble[3] marriage relationship. Even in the stories of Guinevere and Lancelot, the whole thing fell apart when they attempted to move in together.

Okay, so here I go on about what ain’t love. So what is love?

In spite of my deep love of the book Stranger in a Strange Land, I have to admit that Jubal Harshaw’s definition, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of the other person is essential to your own” is a bit off base. You see, I could love someone who has a mental illness such as depression, and while loving that person deeply, might still be happy myself.

I like M. Scott Peck’s version a lot better — “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Do notice that the way Peck expressed that. He did not say “oneself”. He said, “one’s self”. This is an important distinction. Selfhood, individuality and self-ownership are very important to the exercise of (if you will excuse the expression) true love. You cannot love someone else until you have a fairly solid sense of your own self.

Love is also a choice. This is where it differs quite a bit from romantic passion. Have any of you fallen hard for someone you wish you hadn’t? (I have in the past). But when it’s love, when you’re there willing to extend yourself for that person’s spiritual growth, you find yourself making conscious choices. You also find yourself setting personal boundaries such that you’re in a position to be more capable of investing yourself in another’s personal growth as needed. As the other person decides he needs you, and you decide you can give, mindja. I don’t suppose anyone who has read my stuff thinks I’m into that “for your own good” nonsense in an adult relationship.

[1] Eleanor of Aquitaine was one of the principal architects of the whole “Courtly Love” tradition, from which we Westerner have drawn many of our ideas of love and romance. In fact the word “romance” itself comes from the narrative poems about chivalric heroes and their ladies.

[2] “And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.” Granny Weatherwax in Carpe Jugulum, by Terry Pratchett. (And you can stop that damned eyerolling. Pratchett is a very wise man, and the character of Esme Weatherwax is actually a pretty loving person).

[3] As in social class nobility. Peasants didn’t have time for all that stuff.

When you’re poly and partnered, sometimes the partner has a date, and for whatever reason you’re “stuck” home.

How do you treat this time? Bitch, moan, put your hair in curlers and wear your granny housecoat?¹

Don’t.

Whether or not you are finding you might want to negotiate or renegotiate time agreements, now is not the time to let your morale slide. I wrote an article a couple of years ago about how you are your own primary. I stand by that as firmly as ever, and think a date with yourself is always a good thing.

So, let’s say you decide that yes, you do deserve a date with yourself. You do, by the way, honest, you really do. Never forget that. Where to start?

I encourage anyone home with small kids to figure out a way — a small and not too difficult way, to do something small and special with them. My parents were monogamous, but my father had to travel on business from time to time. My mother really disliked it when my father was away, but Mom was smart and did her best not to mope. We might have “breakfast for dinner” in our jammies, or would use the good china in the dining room by candlelight, instead of eating in the kitchen — just something little and different, but with a sense of “special” so we wouldn’t be missing Daddy too badly and bedtime routines would go smoothly without him. If you have kids, this isn’t a bad idea when your partner is out on a date.

Once your kids are in bed, and you’re free for your self indulgent night, the first thing you want to do is stuff all the clutter out of sight in whatever room you’re going to be using.² I give my own bedroom more of a boudoir feel because it means there is little preparation involved for the self indulgence.

You might want to consider an actual Home Alone Indulgence Kit.

Your kit and mine are going to be different. I have a very femme d’une certaine age (since I am) slant to mine.

The Goddess of Java’s Kit:

• Nice Lounge Wear — silky jammies. I’m also making myself a couple of hostess gowns and a kimono and haori. Never underestimate the power of elegant, comfortable loungewear.
• Bath Scents – I start out any self-indulgent evening with a nice bath.
• Incense – It’s a good idea to make sure the scent doesn’t clash with the bath scents!
• Candles – I prefer neutral or non-scented if I am going to use the incense
• Manicure kit with parafin dip – manicures always make me feel very pampered and as part of my grooming for my evening, I’ll usually give myself one.
• Something to make a nice drink, and a good glass/cup to drink it out of — Yes, I have some nice china, but you can get some pretty good stemware at the local dollar store. I am very fond of my $1 cocktail glasses. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but something “special” is important.
• Some suitable music – this can depend, but it’s usually either Baroque or some really sexy music. Voodoo Chile by Jimi Hendrix is a favorite.

I find it well neigh impossible to feel sorry for myself or down with a fresh manicure, a nice bone china cup full of Jasmine tea, sitting in a candlelit room and listening to Voodoo Chile in silky loungewear. It Just Can’t Be Done.

This is my way of savoring my time. I’m sure there are men reading this feel like it’s a Bit Too Girly. Well, I’ve had macho male partners that liked candlelit baths as much as ever I did, so I can promise you it won’t kill your masculinity to try it. But, maybe it’s not your thing. What is yours? Do you have something creative you like to do? (By the way, some of these articles are written after the bath, manicure, martini, et al.) I find creativity a wonderful way to celebrate the self. What about food? Is there a meal you love that your partner does not? Now is the time to enjoy it. Don’t neglect presentation, even if you’re eating alone. Are there movies you love that your partner doesn’t? Hey, guess what you can do? This is the time to watch that appallingly stupid comedy your wife can’t stand!

Whatever you do, make an “event” of it. If you’re happy with how things are going with you and your partner, this will reinforce the happiness. If you’re not happy with how things are going, this gets your morale up and allows you to address the issue from a place where you’re valuing yourself deeply, you’re calmer and clear-headed enough to discuss matters lovingly and effectively.

Either way, you’re taking responsibility for yourself, your happiness and your time and savoring life.

¹Or the male version… Or even granny coat and curlers if you are male, but if you’re doing that, I’m presuming a fetish and that you’re probably not really all that unhappy indulging it.
²And if you have a regular problem with clutter, check out Flylady. No, she’s not poly and she’s an incredibly “traditional” wife, but her system is very good, indeed.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050430.html

I want to thank a recent reader of the PolyFamilies site for the idea for this column. I’ve been a bit blocked for a month or so, trying to come up with something good to write, and this was an excellent topic!

Every now and then I get letters from people who are not poly, but are close to someone who is — family member, close friend, something like that. Most of the time when I get a letter, it is from someone who has done some research on the topic and clearly wants to be as supportive as they can be. This can be hard, especially because it is often such a new idea, or it seems to them that their friend/family member is behaving oddly .

Chances are good that you found out about your loved on being poly because they were involved with someone besides who you thought was their “one and only” love. Wham! There you are being blindsided, going, “Now what the hell is this nutcase up to?”

And you think I’m gonna scoldja for thinking something so unsupportive, right?

Nope.

It’s a totally valid question and it’s okay to ask yourself. Not sayin’ you should start calling your loved one a nutcase or anything, but when someone close to you that you love does something strange, asking yourself questions to try to explore what’s up is a good thing.

The real problem is that most poly people, because they know polyamory to be a somewhat touchy subject, will often wind up waiting to “come out” until it’s so blasted obvious no-one could miss it. They’re often in the throes of a new relationship and are totally ga-ga over this new person (in the poly community, we call this New Relationship Energy or NRE), and often want everyone else around them to be so happy for them and the new love they’ve found. Not that wanting one’s loved ones to share on one’s happiness is exactly a negative thing, but there you are, confused. Hesitant.

Here’s some things to keep in mind:

• Polyamory is not about cheating.

  You’ll find some of the harshest critics you’ve ever seen of having affairs in the polyamorous community. (I’m usually first in line with this one. <grin> If someone says they’re poly, but to keep it under your hat about the other relationship because the spouse doesn’t know, you’re dealing with a cheating situation, not a poly one.

• If offered an opportunity to get to know a new love, take it!

  I’m not saying you have to become bestest friends with this new love. I am saying that because your friend or loved one is heavily involved with more than one person, it’s a good idea, if invited, to get to know all the loves. They’re a big parts of your loved one’s life. You cannot form opinions in a vacuum, and the more facts the better!

• It’s okay to call bullshit

  I am not saying that it’s okay to close your mind, say polyamory is all wrong and your friend is being an idiot. ‘Kay? What I am saying is that it’s okay to say, “Well, Mary, I’ve met your love. He claims to be a wealthy day-trader, but he’s said some things that indicate to me that he doesn’t even know what a ticker symbol is, and he drives a 1993 Pontiac Sunbird. I think he’s not being truthful here.” Love is love, honesty is honesty and being poly doesn’t change all standards of behavior.

• It’s okay to ask questions.

  You may tread on ground that your friend thinks is none of your business, mind. It’s an intimate subject. (For instance, I am unlikely to answer if someone asks me specifics about what I do in bed with a specific person!) But it’s still okay to ask . “How does your wife feel about this?” is a totally valid question, and so is, “How are you going to handle things with the kids?” Now, a caveat: Don’t confuse asking a legitimate question because you want information with trying to use questions to beat someone over the head because you don’t like what they’re doing. There’s a difference and it’s important to be conscious of it.

• Your friend/loved one may feel a little defensive.

  The simple fact of the matter is that we are often treated a little harshly. I’ve been called names on occasion and don’t always get much respect for my non-legal relationships. It’s such new territory for many people! Not only is there going to be a lot of communication, restructuring and negotiation going on within the romantic relationships, he’s also going to be dealing with the changes that this information is going to bring in his relationship with you ! It’s a lot to handle and is sometimes a little overwhelming.

• Love is always a good place to start.

  Love ain’t just about sex and romance. I’m presuming that you love your friend/family member here. In your interaction and communication, keep that in mind.

I’ve been asked what the ettiquite is for interacting with a poly person and dealing with their relationships. Well, there isn’t any. Miss Manners just hasn’t written anything about it. However, showing good manners (as opposed to a strict aherence to ettiquite) and being gracious is always a good place to start.

For you poly people who are coming out? Be understanding, okay? This is new to your friends/family. They’re just not going to grok everything right away. You know how you feel, but you do look like some kinky freak on the surface. Be gentle and understanding and let people beneath the surface.

And learn from my mistake. Don’t try to shove your otherloves down your friends’ and family’s throat! Sure, if you have otherloves living with you, you can expect your guests to be polite. That’s reasonable. But give it time when it comes to acceptance. We know how we feel about our otherloves, but you’re jumping completely out of a societal paradigm, and you can’t just say, “Look, I have two wives and I expect you to internalize that.” Let your actions prove your statements and let things flow from there.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050122.html

I am desperately worried for the poly community. We’re supposed to be this group of people dedicated to love.

And yet –

I see more pain, heartache, broken dreams, cruelty and what have you going on in the poly community. It’s drama, miscommunication, expectations…

I’ve mentioned this, with a certain level of despair and a sense of “losing the faith”, to some poly people before and had always gotten the response, “Yes, but aren’t monogamous people the same in their relationships?”

Honesty forces me to agree. I don’t know that I can blame it entirely on poly. It’s just that we increase the issues exponentially by having more relationships.

I do blame it on a lack of love. I blame it on a lack of maturity (I don’t spare myself). I blame it on rushing into relationships before you’re secure in yourself. I blame it on the biological clock! After all, the urge to procreate will take over a lot of stuff. Our culture is such that we’ve no maturity at all until well into our thirties or forties (though I’m betting when I’m in my fifties I’m gonna laugh at who I was in my thirties and forties, too!). But our ideal childbearing years are a good fifteen to twenty years younger than that. To me, it seems like biology is driving us to choose mates long before we’re settled in ourselves and what have you to be able to be independent, loving people. By the way, this goes for the childfree, too. While you might not want kids, your body is still programmed to mate.

I guess I’m increasingly of the opinion that a lot of we people who charge into poly (and I’ve never actually HAD a monogamous relationship) or relationships at all are guilty of the most astounding arrogance and self-deception about our genuine limits.

In fact, in discussing this with the Goddess of Giggle, she commented that what she sees is a newness to polyamory. In a lot of ways, we haven’t found our feet yet. People who go poly often overload on the relationships like a kid in a candy store, who’ve never been able to have as much candy as they wanted. They’ll stuff themselves sick until they calm down and realize that too much candy will actually result in sugar highs and painful stomach aches.

The thing is, in relationships, the stakes are higher. We ain’t talkin’ tummy aches here! We’re talking hearts — hearts that are human and can hurt. We only have so much time in the day, and many of us overextend ourselves way the hell too much. We’re adults here. We have our commitments, our children, our jobs, our educations, you name it. Those things take time. So do relationships, after all, and while it’s a hell of an ego boo to have someone interested in you, a person’s heart is more important than your damned ego (or mine. I’ve done it, okay. If I’m bitching about something, I’m prolly guilty of the same thing, ‘kay, unless I specifically state I’ve never done such a thing).

I wish I could offer a better solution than, “Get your shit together, you nitwit!” (This is not from a high horse, here. I’m in the same boat and have to do the same things).

But I really do think we as polyamorous people have much higher stakes in our relationships and it behooves us to work a lot harder on getting ourselves together to a place where we can be truly loving human beings. Leaving behind a trail of broken hearts, broken dreams, broken relationships and pain is not the way someone whose goal is to be a loving person has any business behaving. If you can’t do that yet? Well, you might want to consider if poly is really the way for you to be the best human being you can be.

Yet.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050108.html

Quick, name your primary!

Did you name your spouse? A live-in lover? Someone you don’t live with that you are deeply in love with?

What about yourself?

No, I’m dead serious. You are the only person that you’re sure as shit to live with the rest of your life. Anything else is pretty much up in the air due to choice, fate, or accident.

That being the case, it’s behooves you to make sure your relationship with your primary is in good order.

Now, this is not to say that it’s a bad idea to love your loves with as deep and as strong a passion as is in you. In fact, if you really do love your primary, and keep your relationship with yourself in order, you’re going to find that it’s much easier to be truly loving to other people.

See, it takes a lot of the risk out of it.

I strongly recommend seeing if you can lay your hands on Open Marriage , by Nena and George O’Neil. It’s an old book and it can feel a little dated, but the premise is superb. The basic premise is that it’s really not a good idea for a married couple to be joined at the hip and see themselves as a single unit, but as individual people choosing to have a relationship together.

Now, this is a serious change from my own previous viewpoint. For years, I did think that the “all for one, and one for all” attitude made for the ideal marriage.

I still have a rash from the chafing!

Now, if there’s anything that is core to me, it’s that if experience whacks me on the nose, I change my opinion. <grin> Yes, it takes experience to do it. You can’t tell me anything! But, yes, I can learn.

So, what does being your own primary entail?

Well, first of all being able to and willing to attend to your own wants and needs and all that happy horseshit. To be your own primary means that you’ll be responsible for meeting your own needs. You don’t hang that on anyone else. I mean, if someone wants to be involved and that, great! But you don’t need it to be able to be fulfilled.

Do you have a social circle that does not depend on any of your loves? Do you have interests that you share as well as interests you don’t? Are you confident that if something happened and you found yourself alone you could still build a good, healthy and happy life? If not? Don’t feel bad about it. Our culture is not geared to training people to be that self-sufficient. So, don’t feel bad. But do work on it.

For some people, and I’ll include myself, a very freeing thing is to know that you can support yourself financially if necessary. This means that you’re not scared. You know you can take care of yourself. If you have never kept the books, or held a full-time job (yes, there are still housewives out there who haven’t set foot in the outside workplace for years ! I was one of them for many years), learned to drive or maintain a car or do basic home maintenance, or any of the random daily stuff — learn. This goes for people who’ve held full-time jobs, but don’t know how to cook, do laundry without ruining their clothes or stuff like that, too. It might mean that you go to school to pick up a marketable skill. It might be making sure you’re keeping up on marketable skills. It might mean taking over housework chores you don’t ordinarily do as part of self training. But do what it takes.

This is going to open up your heart to be able to have much greater intimacy with your partners. It’s a lot easier to be loving when you’re not scared of loss. You’ll be able to give your partner freedom without being threatened. You won’t say yes to things that make you resentful. You’ll find it easier and less threatening to say yes to your partner’s wants and needs. You’ll be able to forge an excellent relationship between two (or more) independent and strong people, and yes, you’ll find it immensely fulfilling to have those relationships. You just won’t be dependant on them. This is not to say you’ll be tepid about relationships or not care. I mean, if I lost a partner would it hurt and totally suck? Ummm…

Yeah!

It would suck big twinkie.

But, the one primary I will always have, and the one that it is my total responsibility it is to take care of is me. That’s one thing I cannot ever lose.

It’s a good and fairly relaxed place to be.

Originally posted at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041023.html

I’ve run across a few items in discussion lists lately where people who are experimenting with polyamory have been bemoaning the fact that they can’t “get with the program”, or that they can’t get rid of jealousy, resentment or what have you.

Now, I will be the first to tell someone that resentment, jealousy and such are things you do not want to hold on to. You want to get to the bottom of your feelings, find out why you feel what you do and get rid of it, get over it — do what you have to to deal. Resentment will eat your soul alive and turn you into a very bitter and twisted person. I seriously doubt most people want that for themselves. Jealousy is a sign that something’s amiss and it’s important to get to the bottom of this. Now, understand I am not saying this as someone who never feels either jealous or resentful, or has overcome the problem. I struggle with both on a regular basis in many areas of my life. Neither emotion, by the way, is limited to romantic relationships. In fact, if you have a problem with either, I would say that it’s quite likely these things spill over into other aspects of your life.

As you explore what you’re feeling and why, one very valid and important question to ask yourself is, “Is polyamory really for me?”

It might be. It might not. Things may be changing in you, too. I can recall a time when I was completely cool with casual, light relationships. I enjoyed them and found them fulfilling. As my tastes changed, I recognized I needed to choose relationships that were in harmony with my new tastes. If I didn’t, it could make me unhappy. No biggie. Just choice.

Some questions you might want to ask yourself in trying to decide if polyamory is really for you:

• Why do I want this?

  What do you hope to get out of polyamory? Are you doing it because you’re in love with someone and are afraid you’ll lose him? Are you doing it because you feel it’s “enlightened” somehow? (It’s not. Poly people have about the same general range of enlightenment as the rest of the general population). Do you think that you’ll be happiest either being romantically involved or having the freedom to be romantically involved with more than one person? Are you doing it because your partner has asked for this and you’re happy and relaxed about her being happy? If you’re doing it out of a positive feeling rather than out of fear, you’re more likely to be making a happy choice for yourself.

• If I have worries and fears, why do I want to overcome them?

  Do I feel like my worries and fears are illogical? Do I feel that overcoming these will improve my relationships (the answer here is “yes”, by the way, even if you don’t choose a poly relationship!). Do I actually feel the fears are valid and I’m trying to keep a relationship together that shouldn’t be?

Mostly I am putting this out here because I am worried about people going through contortions to try to “make” themselves do something that is not happy and fulfilling. The choice to be open to polyamorous relationships is such an individual thing, after all. There’s really no value judgment either way, in my own humble opinion.

There’s a flip side to this. Your partner might find polyamory the way that makes her most happy and fulfilled. Then you’re coming up against some hard choices. I know of one couple pretty well where the husband is poly and the wife is not. They’re both happy and relaxed about it. She’s perfectly happy with him forming other relationships, trusts him to be there for her when she needs him and and vice versa. She doesn’t seek other relationships — just not where she’s at. I will note that it seems to work best if the monogamous partner is a very independent person.

If it turns out that your objections to polyamory are because you’d find it difficult for your partner to be forming other relationships, and your partner will be happiest and most fulfilled forming other relationships, then yes, you have a problem. I wish I could give you a pat answer to this one. Unfortunately, there isn’t one. There are a lot of factors to be weighed. How important is it to both of you to continue the relationship — to what lengths are both of you willing to go to do so? As you explore this, the answer will become clearer.

Some people will decide that they want to make themselves as okay as they can be with polyamory to try to preserve the relationship. Sometimes, this works out well, and sometimes it really blows up. Because relationships are such individual things, it’s hard to predict. The only thing that I can really offer here is to own your own feelings and such as your own responsibility and hang on hard to the fact that ultimately, your life is in your own hands — happy or sad, your life is your own to mold, and your happiness is completely in your own hands.

Originally posted on

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope200400815.html

Peeve time, and this is a big one.

I get sucked into drama really easily. I’m an intense person and all the gods know that I am a sucker for almost any type of intensity - good and bad.

A personal Poly Drama got me talking to one of my spice recently. As we were talking, he sighed and said, “I don’t really consider myself poly.”

At this point, I looked at him like he had three heads. I mean, he lives in a group marriage, for goodness sake!

“I don’t get it. You’re in love with two women. I know you are,” I said. After all, one of those women was me and I know he’s in love with our wife.

He shrugged. “Yes, I am. But I’m not poly. Polyamory isn’t about love that I’ve been able to see. It’s all about playacting and drama.”

This cut me up short and hard. God, I soo wanted to protest… “No! No! No! Darling, it is too about the love. It’s all about the love. You’re just not seeing it because you’re isolated from the community, you won’t hang out with poly people enough. You’re just getting the bitching at home!”

However, there something about this husband that makes it really hard to bullshit yourself when you’re talking to him. Oh you can scream and rail and call him names and call him a blind idiot, but it’s a waste of time. It’s better to shut up and think a minute. ‘Cause no, he’s not always right. You do have to think. However, he is a damned intuitive man. So, I shut up and thought about what I was feeling in the moment of my own Personal Poly Drama. The whole situation on all parts was not coming from a place of love, I can tell you, and this particular poly situation is so common that if someone posted it to a discussion list it would get an eyeroll for being boring. I’ve seen it and its various permutations at least once a week for the past eight years.

I realized something.

Polyamory is supposed to be about love, but my husband was right. Tragically, far more often than not, it is not. In my watching the poly community over the last eight years or so, I see a truly appalling lack of love . In my own life… God, oh God, it is worse. There are days when I marvel at the complete gall I am showing in having anything to do with the poly community, much less write any articles about relationships. I make so many foolish, blind, unloving mistakes in my relationships it’s not even funny. Oh, the NRE crap? Got that down pat. Sure do. It’s fun and I’m not running it down. It has its place, honest.

Don’t leave out the real thing.

If it ain’t about the love of all your relationships at the core of it, it’s not worth it. Really, it isn’t.

So what do I mean by love?

While I am not a Christian, but when speaking on the nature and power of love, I really think this passage is simply brilliant:

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body to be burned but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. 7It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. 9For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; 10but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13

I’m not about fluffybunny here. The cosmic muffin nonsense that some people pass off as this universal love crap without following through gets to me. It cheapens the work, worth and power of what love really is. Don’t listen to words. Watch actions. Okay, just for the record though, I don’t want any of you guys quoting this article and saying, “See, see, I got hurt, so that’s proof you don’t love me!” Mama Java, she don’t like it when people twist her words. People can fuck up, be blind, be human, be faulty and still be loving. It’s whether or not you keep on trying, ‘kay? That’s the essence of a lot of what I am talking about. Do you get back up and keep trying when you fall short of your own ideals? Do you accept that your loves are going to fall short of their own ideals, and give them the opportunity to keep trying? So many poly people get on their high horses about love. Frankly, the general run of us win no damned prizes in the demonstration of love department. We’re about on par with monogamous folks. That’s okay, mind. We’re human. But let’s step down off the damned high horse, ‘kay? We look like bloody hypocrites, and it’s got to stop.

I wanna go over in detail a bit of this Bible passage (any of you former Southern Baptists out there havin’ flashbacks yet? LOL). I want it very clear that I do not claim for one second, by the way, to fulfill all these goals. They’re goals in becoming a more loving human being. I am not there by a long shot.

• Love is patient. Patience isn’t just the ability to wait without fidgeting. Can you hold your tongue and listen fully when discussing something with a loved one? More to the point, do you? If you want an issue resolved right now can you still bring yourself to wait and give a loved one time to think?Do not confuse patience with putting things off, though. They’re not the same thing. Avoidance isn’t patience.
• Love is kind Kindness is one of those odd things. It’s not quite just being “nice”, though that can be and usually is a component. Kindness has to do with genuinely having the welfare of the other (or self if you’re discussing love of self) at heart.Here’s where the issue comes in, though. You’re not wise enough to make choices for other adults. No, you’re not special here. I know you wanna help, but that kind of nonsense ain’t kind, so if the goal is being loving, don’t be doing it.
• Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude Kinda hard to be loving when you’re wanting something the other person is/has, are bragging, or being caught up in your own ego. That’s really the essence of it. Don’t be so damned ego driven if being loving is your goal.
• It does not insist on its own way If you’re into Me! Me! Me! exclusively, you’re not being loving. Loving yourself does mean taking care of yourself, but balance here. Balance is important.
• It is not irritable or resentful Are you holding on to past pains, shortcomings or things like that? Not loving. This means purging resentments - the ones held against yourself included. Remember what I said, you cannot be honest to goodness loving to someone else until you are doing the same with yourself. In fact, it makes it easier. Trust me on this one.
• It does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth “Yeah, she got what was coming to her…” Not a loving thought. “Hey, she learned from that. Cool!” Loving thought… It’s a pretty simple concept.Rejoicing in the truth means that you’re not going to want to pretend that things are other than they are, either. You’re going to want the honest facts, rather than fool yourself. This can be hard, if you want to ignore things that you don’t like.
• It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things This boils down to one essential concept - forgiveness. If you’re dedicated to being loving, you’re dedicated to forgiving. You’re dedicated to forgiving yourself and everyone around you for being flawed and human. This is not an easy thing to do. Worth it, but not easy.

I’ve been doing a lot of ranting on this subject among some of my intimates lately, and one of them brought up an interesting point as well, commenting that he saw a lot of relationship problems as being matters of not seeing things clearly, and laboring under misconceptions. While do not entirely share the full world view (I think that you can still see things clearly and choose to be unloving. He has a somewhat more positive view of humans than I), he does have a point. It’s hard to be genuinely loving when looking “though a glass darkly”. You cannot make the loving choice when laboring under misinformation, self-deception or assumptions. Truth is Love’s most precious companion. Keep that in mind as you look at your own life, your own loves and your own choices in life.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040814.html

If you’re poly, one of the things you sometimes deal with is doing what you can to help people feel comfortable in multiple relationships. Sometimes, one person or another feels insecure… It happens, and doesn’t have to be a huge hairy deal.

One of the things that can help is the “little things”. These are the, “I’m thinking about you and care about you” gestures.

What brings it to mind is my own life. I have a boyfriend who… Well, the man is an extrovert the likes of which God has never seen. He’s got a lot of people in his life, and I don’t just mean sexual relationships, but many, many friendships and responsibilities that take his time and energy. I am quite introverted, so am the opposite, for the most part, and I tend to channel my interests and relationships into fewer areas/people than he does. It could cause a woman to wonder, “How much do I really mean to him?”

Except for the little things.

We work near each other. This morning, as I was making coffee (hey, Superman was a mild-mannered reporter. I can be a mild-mannered secretary, right?), he shows up in my office to give me a hug and a kiss. A totally simple gesture - he didn’t spend more than three minutes at my office. But, it meant a great deal.

We do things like this in our relationships all the time. The thing is to make sure that it’s an individual thing. These “little things” vary from person to person. I like having doors opened for me, and chairs held for me and all the courtly little things. There are people that do not. I have a love that really enjoys it when I curl on up a cushion at his feet and rest my head on his knee when he’s sitting in a chair. I have another love who would find that gesture uncomfortable. It’s a matter of really getting to know your loves and what makes them feel loved.

So, why do these little gestures mean so much?

They prove you’re doing something very important - paying attention to the person you love. It means that you’ve taken the time to learn what little things mean something and that you’ve taken the time to do it.

A book I highly recommend is 1001 Ways To Be Romantic, by Gregory Godek. Mr. Godek goes into detail about the individuality of making the little gestures and gives a lot of ideas. (It does seem to be a bit flowers and chocolate oriented, mind, but the part about paying attention to your love and what pleases your love is a good one).

So what sorts of things make good “little gestures”? (These are a list of random things that friends and loves like. Remember what I said about this being pretty individual. Paying attention is tantamount).

• Saying “I love you”. Hey, short and obvious!
• Footrubs
• Kissing a love on the back of the neck as you walk by and he’s bent over a video game
• Bringing a love a cup of coffee or tea in the morning
• Love notes left in odd places
• Love notes in general. Ain’t email grand?
• Little trinkets that might have individual meaning between you and a love

This isn’t and shouldn’t be a mechanical thing. I am loathe to give out a lot of examples, because it is individual and unique to every person. The important part is to let your loves know in small ways from time to time that you are thinking about them - letting them know you care.