The Polyamorous Misanthrope

One of the sad facts of being an alternative lifestyler of any sort is in this political climate, you’re liable to be labeled a dangerous pervert.

For the most part, it’s not actually illegal to be a pervert or anything, as long as you never have interaction with kids.  Well, if you’re poly and a parent, good God yes, you’re going to be interacting with children!  Yours.

Should this worry you?

It depends on a lot of things.  Where do you live?  Is it a conservative area?   Do people have a live and let live policy, or are they all up in your bidness?  What about your relatives?  Are there control issues going on?  Are you accepting significant financial support from them?[1]

But more than that, I want to point out one more thing, which is the big subject of my rant.

Are you a good parent?

Seriously, dewd.  Don’t get on your damn high horse until you’ve evaluated your parenting.  If being poly is interfering with being a good parent[2], then you have a more serious problem than poly persecution.

So to evaluate:

The Basics

• Are the children fed properly?
• Do they have clothing appropriate to the weather?
• Are they being educated appropriately? (sent to school regularly/homeschooled so that they keep up with grade level)
• Are they getting medical attention as necessary?

Not Basic, But Important

• Do they get appropriate attention?  This is a biggie.  When there is adult processing, sometimes kids’ needs can fall through the cracks.  Be very careful and wary of this one.  I wish I could sugar-coat it, but I can’t.
• Are they getting personal growth opportunities?  Are they learning an instrument, learning fun skills, learning Life 101 skills?
• Are they getting an opportunity to be involved in the community they live in?  Don’t isolate your kids because their household might be different.  They live in the real world and need to learn to relate to it.[3]

I’m not saying you have to be Superparent to justify being polyamorous.  You don’t.  But, dammit, do your job as a parent anyway.  Yes, it takes time.  Yes, you’re gonna screw up.  That doesn’t let you off the hook from consistently trying.

For those of you who have direct reason to worry about custody issues, I cannot recommend the following article highly enough. Even more, the organization, the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund.  It’s run by fantastic and caring woman, Valerie White.

Dos and Don’ts to Avoid Custody Challenges.

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[1] Financial support is not only money, but reduced rent, childcare and a number of other things.  I’ll reiterate something I say consistently:  DO NOT ACCEPT FINANCIAL SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE WHO DISAPPROVE OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.  That way lies trouble.

[2] And by God, it can.  Don’t try to wiggle out of being a good parent by claiming poly persecution or Mama Java will have to get all strict on your butt.

[3] And maybe even change it for the better!

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Even though I’m not a parent in a group marriage any more, I still co-parent with my ex-spice.

On a trip to visit my family in Virginia, I was discussing child-rearing with my own parents and we were talking about the different experiences my kids had[1] as a result of being reared by four people. My parents asked what the kids did with the various parents and I told them of SCA events they’d be taken to, hikes they went on, museums they liked, and oh… anything you’d take a kid to do. My parents comment that the kids were lucky that all their parents were willing to share their diverse tastes with the kids.

In fact, I’m writing this on a train. The choice of the train trip was simply for fun – to give the children the experience of a long-distance train trip. I could have flown just about as easily and cheaply, but hey. Experiencing a range of travel is fun, right?

A poly family (even a divorced one), has an opportunity to enrich the lives of the children involved in wonderful ways. Because there are lots of people with different tastes, take that potential source of conflict and try to make it a strength. Abigail and Betty hate museums, but Carlos and David love them? Carlos and David can take the kids around to count dinosaur bones and enjoy the museum experience of the city boy while Abby and Betty plan for a nice camping trip that causes Carlos and David’s pavement-loving souls to shudder.

Thing is, it’s more than just taking the kids on outings[2]. It’s about who and what you are as a person and what you have to teach the child. Are you a musician? Is one of your spice an artist, a good cook or a skilled potter? Do you have a passion for creating geeky gadgetry, or gardening or… God the list goes on forever. What you love and have a passion about is often something you teach a child to give her new opportunities.

Anyone who has been in a large, extended family has experienced this. Like most things poly writers go on about, it’s not entirely poly-specific. Interested, involved adults who care about the children are good for the kids. The variety of experience a child can get from people who care deeply about them is a fantastic benefit to any child growing up.

Besides, for those of us who enjoy the company of kids… Well, it’s fun for us, too!

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[1] We were at Colonial Williamsburg at the time, and were discussing educational experiences.

[2] But make no mistake, the outings are actually important, even if it’s a trip to the park.

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Poly people out there, do you have your legal ducks in a row?

Most of these things are legal documents that anyone, poly or not, should have in order. Thing is, because polyamorous situations can muddy legal waters, it’s important to have your wishes clear. Not all of the documents will apply to all poly situations, but many are important.

• Who should be contacted in case of an emergency? Is this written down anywhere? (I actually have a “drop dead” file that I made when I went in for surgery once. Everything that people will need to take care of stuff if I drop dead is in that file — legal and routine).
• Who do you want to allow to visit you in the hospital? You can have this information on file with your primary care physician as well as your local hospital.
• Do you have a living will?
• Do you want anyone to have medical power of attorney? If so, do you have the paperwork on file for this?
• What about a “real” will? Even if you don’t own significant property, you’ve seen fights over who gets Grandma’s pearls, or a silver teapot. Don’t do this to the people you love.
• If you do own significant property where probate would disrupt people’s lives, you might want to consider a living trust.
• If you have kids, do you have guardianship documents? Poly situations can get sticky. You’re going to want child care authorizations for anyone who you want looking after your child on a regular basis. You want to make sure your will clearly establishes your guardianship wishes if something happens while the kids are still young (You really really don’t want to leave this to the whims of the courts!) If you have any children with whom you have no legal relationship but to whom you have assumed a responsibility, I strongly suggest either a life insurance policy with that child as a beneficiary (they’re not that expensive) or a joint bank account that you contribute to regularly with the child having rights of survivorship.

This is not a comprehensive list, but is meant to get you to thinking: Are there situations as a poly person that might be outside the box where you will have to deal with a bureaucracy? If so, there are usually ways to make sure that you get what you want for you and your loves, but you do need to make a special effort to make sure any necessary paperwork is on file.

Remember, polyamory is about love. Make sure you’re thinking about the people you love here.

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Originally posted on

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050305.html

This is the talk I had written for the Poly Living Conference in the Wyndam Franklin Plaza in Philadelphia, PA on February 20, 2005. If you attended the talk, you’ll notice that this does not match up exactly. It turned into something of a question/answer discussion quite early. Still, most points were covered!

Being a poly parent can be lots of fun. Shoot, being a parent can be, too. But it is a challenge under any circumstance. The first thing almost anyone will ask when approaching the subject of poly parenting is, “But what about the children?” I’ve said this before many times and I re-iterate that it is a very valid question. What about them? How do you handle it? Will being poly screw the kids up if they know about it?

Well, the last question is the easiest. Poly or not has little to do with how well one parents. In the end, it is your own parenting skill that makes the most difference. So, no, if they know you’re poly, it isn’t going to screw them up.

If you’re going to let the kids know that you are poly, then they need a decent sexual education. This does not mean you have to tell them what you do. In my own personal opinion, the specifics of what I do in bed with whom is none of the kids’ damned business. Do they know grownups who are in love have sex sometimes? Yes.

Let the kids be the guide in the sex education department. Trust me on this one, they do ask age appropriate questions. Don’t go into too much detail. Just answer questions truthfully without making a production of it. If they want more info, they’ll ask. If you bring up too much, you’re going to step over bounds, and probably yuck them out. A member of my clan has a joke about this. He’ll go into this routine where he’s making gestures like a football referee, and say, “Oversharing. Roughing the listener. Two drink penalty!”

I do think it is better if the kids have a fairly clear idea of the relationships. I also think it is quite okay for the kids to meet your loves. While it is not a guarantee, it is often the case that the adult will be a positive figure in the child’s life. My kids have a lot of adults in their lives that love them and interact with them on a regular basis. I think it is good for them, because instead of having only parents as an example of The Way Adults Are, they get a much wider view from having close relationships with lots of them. I see no reason why loves should not be different. If you think your loves are not a good influence on the kids, why the hell are you having a relationship with them in the first place?

If you are the otherlove, you are in a unique position. Don’t be too eager to get into the kids’ affections. Kids are people and making friends with them is like making friends with anyone else. While no, there’s no romantic aspect, there is something of a “courting process” in earning a child’s trust and affection. Notice my use of the word “earn”. It’s a process and the older the child, the longer the process. That’s okay. My daughter was calling me Mama within a month (she was two). My son, who is older, did not start using parental titles with his other parents for a couple of years. We had decided to let the kids be the guide in this and not push. It worked out well, and the kids do see all the parents as their parents now. I think that being too eager would have ruined it. This is true even if you are not intending to be an actual parent to the child.

If you’re forming a multi adult household, watch the people you’re going to move in with like a hawk! Watch how they treat their children. Watch how they treat your children. If they have no kids, watch how they treat your kids. Is it significantly different from how they treat children who do not belong to loves? What about parenting philosophies? All of this is important information. We did this with each other when my family got together, and I am glad we did.

If you’re going to have multiple parents in the household, you’re going to need to do a lot of talking things out. Remember how all the parenting books talk about the necessity for the kids to have firm and clear boundaries in the household? Before those boundaries get set it’s important to decide on them! This is going to be a constant process, as children are not static. They change and grow and necessary boundaries change and grow with them. I find it very helpful to have fairly set household rules and expectations as well as consequences when the boundaries are broken. If everyone is on the same page, then it works out better and the kids cannot play parents against each other.

With that in mind, I also find it is a good idea not to countermand the other parents, even if you disagree. Unless you’re dealing with an issue of direct physical safety, it really is better, in my opinion, to let the situation slide, then go ahead and discuss the matter away from the kids. In my own household, it’s a rather serious issue if a child goes from a parent who said “no” to something to another parent to try to get a “yes”. That works well for us.

One of the things many parents are going to have to guard against in multi-parent households, especially women, is the “I’m Da Mama!” syndrome. You know, you see something you don’t like and all your Mama Bear instincts go full force. If you’re going to have all adults all be parents, that means you’re willing to give up some authority there and allow for a balance. Do your very very best to decide if you can handle this or not before you all move in together. It really is okay to say, “Look, we’re all going to live together and certainly you can enforce household rules, but I’m the parent!” You need to choose one or the other and stick to it. It is bad for the kids if you go back and forth on this, so make your decision carefully.

I re-iterate that you must earn the trust of the kids. When you all move in together, it really is going to be a process. It might very well take a few years, so be patient.

When you move in together and become a multi-parent household, one of the things you’re going to need to decide about is whether or not you are going to be in or out about being poly to the community. Now, if you’ve read my writings, you know that I think it is safer to be out in the long run. Here is a detailed discussion of my opinion one the subject, which is a bit far ranging. But as you talk about this, there are things to consider: the age of the kids, the reaction of the extended family, and how comfortable the kids are with the whole situation. As a parent you know your children far better than I do and I am going to presume you give a lot of thought to what might be best for them, so I won’t go any further into the subject.

However, one of the most common questions one gets when one decides to go poly — whether a group marriage is formed or not, is “Can I lose my children doing this?”

Unfortunately, there are no absolutes. This is the breakdown of the risks as best as I have been able to ascertain from observing the poly community and the few legal cases that have crossed my inbox or in talking to people. I’ve discussed this info with a couple of lawyers, and they’ve not disagreed with most of these points. I do welcome information on this subject, especially if you have been through or can cite court cases in which decisions have been different from the information I give here. In reading all of this, please keep in mind that I am not a lawyer. Check out the laws for your state, and

You are safest if you live in a state where nothing you do is illegal. This means you are in slightly more danger in terms of your kids if adultery, co-habitation, fornication, sodomy or any other sexual practice that you are into is illegal. I highly recommend that if you want to live in a multi-adult, multi-parent household that you move if you live in a state where what you do has laws against it. As I have often commented, I am a 14th generation Virginian, and loved my home very very much, and have roots that go so deep they rival a vineyard. But Virginia’s sex laws are appalling. So my family and I moved.

The basic reason I had moved from Virginia was a case in which a young woman with a son moved in with a female lover. The woman’s mother objected to the relationship and took the young woman to court to get custody of the son. The judge ruled that because the young woman was a practicing lesbian (it’s not illegal to be gay in Virginia, but it is illegal to have sex with someone of the same sex), that she was a criminal, and by definition and unfit mother. So while sex laws of this nature are almost never enforced, they can be used against you.

So… let’s have a breakdown of the dangers

The chances of any sort of child protective agency yanking a child out of a home “so fast it would make your head spin” is slim. This might happen if there is an accusation of abuse of any sort. Even then, you’re much more likely to have someone investigate your house first. I’m going to assume your children are well-fed, your house has food, they’re clean, have appropriate medical care and proper access to education — in other words, I am assuming you’re taking good care of the kids. (If you’re not taking good care of the kids, I have scant sympathy!)If you’re a decent parent, you’re unlikely to have them yanked immediately. That will only happen if there seems to be immediate evidence of abuse. Oh… As far as “adult” materials? Put ‘em somewhere where a child cannot have access. A nice locked chest at the foot of the bed works, or in a box in the top of a closet — anything like that.

A biological parent — especially one who has been consistently involved in the child’s rearing and has provided considerable support either in the form of child support or child care time could and would be able to sue for custody and might very well win. However, it must be done in the home state of the child, unless the custody agreement is silent on this subject. I’ve been warned by the way, by a member of the PolyFamilies mailing list who has been through a divorce that this is very important to put into any custody agreement. If you’re poly and have kids and have someone who is a legal parent of the child who disapproves and will take action, there’s a fair chance that person will win. It’s not set, but this is a big deal and you’re at quite a lot of risk.

A grandparent is less able to cause legal trouble that will actually succeed. Again, charges of abuse are the biggest a-bomb. As far as custody suits? The only ones that I know of that have been won are instances in which the families have been accepting considerable financial support from said grandparents, either in terms of money or the equivalent in the form of low rent (and you’re nuts to be living on the property of someone who disapproves of poly if you have kids!), tuition, help with bills, low cost loans for a down payment on a house, cars, tuition, or most especially significant child care. No, the occasional babysitting while you take a night out is no big deal, but if there is a regular schedule of more than 20 hours a week, and the grandparent disapproves, look out. Don’t accept support from your parents if they disapprove of your lifestyle. The morality of it aside (I consider it extremely unethical. You might feel differently about it).

Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins are less of a concern. Mostly this is going to have to do with how much financial support you might be getting, but they’re damned near in the category of stranger.

Strangers? You only have to worry if there are allegations of abuse. A stranger cannot take your kids. Yes, school teachers and other child care professionals are legally required to report cases of suspected abuse. But hell, I can’t think of many poly parents who don’t support coming down like a ton of bricks on abusers… Whether or not you’re going to be out to your school is up to you. My family is, but we don’t discuss our sex lives. We just all four show up at parent teacher conferences, and are all involved in the kids’ education. The teachers and school administration all know that they can contact any one of the four of us for any issue.

It is also a good idea to know the peeves of your local child protective agencies. There is a poly family one the West coast who decided to be very proactive about this and made an anynomous call from a pay phone to describe their family situation and ask if the agency would consider this a dangerous situation in which to rear a child. This particular agency responded that as long as the child was not directly exposed to the sexual activities of the adults, that it was not a concern for them. If you are concerned, this might be a good way to get more information. Another route, albeit more expensive, is to get a lawyer who specializes in family issues and take that advice. This is not dangerous due to professional ethics of lawyer-client priviledge.

The value of being involved in your kids lives aside, I do recommend that if you are going to be out, be involved. If you’re visible and people see you being involved with the kids, they’re less likely to worry that there’s some deep dark secret that you’re ashamed of and needs to be hidden. Volunteer to coach soccer, join the PTA, volunteer to be a “room mother”, be a Girl Scout troop leader — whatever you can in whatever spare time you have. Yeah, I know, as a poly person, that’s usually limited.

Which brings up another subject. There was a talk show once on which a group of poly people forming a group marriage appeared. One of the couples involved had a twelve year old child. A child psychologist expressed concern that the child might fall through the cracks because of the copious adult processing going on. Poly prejudice?

I want you to listen closely. Lean in and make sure you understand Mama Java really well.

That shrink was right!!!!

Got that? That psychologist had an excellent point! I know I’ve said it before, but adult processing takes time, focus and energy. Children most certainly are effected by tension in the house. In fact, lemme tell on myself here. The children are allowed to have hot lunch from the cafeteria one day a week. They are responsible for making their own lunches for school on the other days. One day, Muscle Boy chose to have hot lunch on a day on which there was a field trip. No-one caught this. Fortunately the cafeteria made him a peanut butter sandwich, so he did not go hungry, but you wanna talk Mommy Guilt? Oh my lord! In a busy group household things can slip through the cracks if you don’t pay attention. Have a system to take care of routine physical matters, for goodness sake! Make sure you spend time with the kids so you’re up on the emotional stuff. I consider the lunch incident a cheap lesson for my household.

I also strongly recommend that you all have wills and those wills clearly outline guardianships for the children. If you do not do this, legal relatives will be favored. In my own household, I hate to think of my children not only losing one or two parents, but losing all of them due to a legal snafu because a parent died intestate. At least have a holographic (hand written) will as a stopgap until you can see a lawyer.

In this vein, if you have not made your family a family corporation or LLC, I strongly recommend that the family home and major assets be put in a living trust. This will avoid probate and keep inheritance taxes from causing your family to lose your home if you die. This is something that will really effect the children, so think ahead.

Also, for any children you have that do not have a legal relationship to you, please do have a child care authorization form. I have not done so, but think it would be a good idea to make this card sized, and have it laminated to keep in my wallet. You’ll be glad you did if there is an emergency. It is also something you can file with the schools in case it’s needed for more routine matters.

So what if relationships don’t go well and the family breaks up? The simple truth is that the average length of a group marriage is four to eight years. It’s a bad idea to gloss over this, and it’s worse to think it can’t happen to you. I know in the throes of NRE, you might think everything is going to be perfect, and there is nothing you and your partners cannot work through. Yes, that could be the case, but what if it is not? You need to think in advance about what will happen if the family breaks up. Parenting commitments are just that. They’re more important than other relationship commitments. Talk to your partners and decide what you think will be best if the family breaks up. Many families decide that if the children have been reared together for significant time, that it is a bad idea to separate them, no matter what biological or legal ties are involved. I approve of this myself. I recognize that extreme situations alter cases, but do keep this in mind as you get your family together. If you’re going to become a parent, it’s a huge commitment, no matter what.

I know this is a lot to load on you all at once, but it was meant to be an hour and a half discussion. The funny part is that this is really only an overview. You’ll notice that throughout the article, I do suggest you go and do your own research on several things. <grin> But even with all of this, parenting is fun and poly parenting is no exception!

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Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050219.html

“Well, no, I don’t think it is a good idea if my children know I am poly!”
Mama Java, she read a line similar to this on her lunch break. Her office is outside a corridor that is mostly marble and concrete, so her exclamation of “What the fuck?” echoed quite clearly and entertainingly all through the third floor. Mama Java, she thinks she caused heart failure in some of her colleagues, because they had developed the idea in the last two years she has worked in her present job that she doesn’t swear .

Okay, enough of the goofy third person and into the meat of the article.

Friends, I’m not trying to assert that your children need the details of your sex life. I sure as hell don’t know what my parents do in bed, and don’t want to. For that matter, if I’m not involved, I don’t want the details of anyone’s sex life and I’m not giving out the details of mine!

But!

My father once commented something to me when my son was born that I have taken strongly to heart, “Your children won’t listen to a word you say. They will pay close attention to what you do.”

This is quite true. So, what kind of example are you setting for the kids? If you’re in doubt that setting the example of being poly is okay, you really, really need to rethink your stance on whether or not you have any business doing it yourself. This is not about whether or not it’s okay for an adult to do something a kid shouldn’t. I’ll have a glass of wine in front of the kids, and they know that it’s something a grownup in the US can do but a kid can’t . They know I have a special vocabulary of “grown-up” words I can use because I know when and were to use them. If I really thought cussing was wrong, or would freak if my kids ever developed the vocabulary, however, I’d stop doing it. In fact, my parents did not cuss because they really did not want me to develop the vocabulary.

I don’t think it is okay, for instance, to kick small animals. I set the example by being kind to our cats. The kids will model this and they’re gentle with pets. I think that reading a lot is a good thing. The kids see me with a nose in a book a lot, so they get the idea that this is something people do. I think that eating right and exercising is important. They see me do that.

Not to say I set a perfect example. The kids know I am severely addicted to caffeine and that I’ve been pretty unsuccessful in kicking the habit. I explain to them about addictive substances, they’ve seen how I feel ill if I don’t get the caffeine and we’ve talked about this. Because of this example and what they see, they will ask before consuming a strange soda if it has caffeine in it and will avoid it if it does.

Notice that I’m not holding back in talking to them. I don’t pretend to the children that I am perfect. I don’t think it is useful to do so. I do discuss things and explain to them the consequences of my choices — as best I can in an age-appropriate manner, mind!

So, if you’re not sure it’s okay for your kids to grow up to be poly, then maybe you ought to reconsider yourself. If you are okay with it, it’s also okay to discuss, age appropriately always, the consequences of it. After all, there are consequences to all actions and it’s okay, and even a good thing to make sure the kids understand this. (i.e. “Always tell the truth so that the people that you love will trust you.”, “It’s a good thing to speak up and tell people what you want, but it’s a bad think to throw a screaming fit if someone says, ‘No’.”)

It all boils down to making sure that you set the example of the person you want your kids to be. No, they won’t be a Mini-Me, nor should they. But, setting the example of thinking for yourself and choosing your own life will increase your children’s chance at happiness when they are grown.

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Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040731.html

It is often asserted in the poly community that the poly household is the ideal household in which to rear a child. I rather dislike the assertion. It is my strong opinion that the ideal child-rearing situation has less to do with the form of the family and considerably more to do with the character of the individuals in the family. Poly households actually have a few strikes against them. The first is the fact that relationships take time and maintenance – this includes the relationships you have with your children. When you are dealing with multiple romantic relationships, especially when you are not in a closed group and might be adding people to your romantic circle, you are facing an enormous amount of emotional energy. Keep this in mind as a parent. It is all too easy to get sucked into the high levels of emotion one gets in many romantic relationships. Make sure you are working on the relationship with your child, too. A psychologist who appeared as part of a polyamorous show on the John Walsh show once expressed concern about the formation of a poly family and the amount of adult processing that would go on.

Know what?

She was right. There is a lot of processing that goes on in a poly family.

Know what else?

That’s okay.

The second strike against poly households is the hard fact that it is the very rare poly family that will stay together long enough to rear a child. While many people will argue that relationship longevity is not the sole measure of relationship success (and I agree), the simple truth is that it takes 18-20 years to rear a child. Can you name a poly family that has lasted that long. Sure, some exist, but they’re the rarity. Say what you like, but divorce and the stress that leads up to people wanting to break up in the first place is hard on kids. If you’re forming a poly family, you owe it to everyone, including yourself, to keep your relationships in the best order you can.

The last strike is out of individual control in a lot of ways. Poly marriages, especially if you’re a parent, are not accepted very well by the Powers That Be. Since this is so, there’s an added pressure as a parent to Do Things Right.

With all this being the case, what are the real advantages of rearing a child in a poly household?

1. If the household is child-centered you will actually have more freedom for personal development. You see, if you’re careful about committing a good amount of time to the kids and your spice do the same , the kids really do get more attention than they would with a monogamous couple and still leave the adults with more freedom
2. Variety. When all the parents are committed, there is a lot of discussion going on about the job of being a parent. That being so, the different points of view contribute to a more carefully considered parenting strategy, as well as a higher quality of care. Please notice the commitment caveat. If there’s the idea that the child is someone else in the household’s problem, this won’t work .

What it boils down to in any parenting situation is so simple – commitment. Are you committed to the welfare of the children. Do you focus on being as wise as you can manage (no-one is perfect, of course!) in dealing with these developing people? If you’re doing this, the family form doesn’t matter so much. It’s all about you and your individual interaction with your kids.

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