For the most part, it’s not actually illegal to be a pervert or anything, as long as you never have interaction with kids.  Well, if you’re poly and a parent, good God yes, you’re going to be interacting with children!  Yours.

Should this worry you?

It depends on a lot of things.  Where do you live?  Is it a conservative area?   Do people have a live and let live policy, or are they all up in your bidness?  What about your relatives?  Are there control issues going on?  Are you accepting significant financial support from them?[1]

But more than that, I want to point out one more thing, which is the big subject of my rant.

Are you a good parent?

Seriously, dewd.  Don’t get on your damn high horse until you’ve evaluated your parenting.  If being poly is interfering with being a good parent[2], then you have a more serious problem than poly persecution.

So to evaluate:

The Basics

• Are the children fed properly?
• Do they have clothing appropriate to the weather?
• Are they being educated appropriately? (sent to school regularly/homeschooled so that they keep up with grade level)
• Are they getting medical attention as necessary?

Not Basic, But Important

• Do they get appropriate attention?  This is a biggie.  When there is adult processing, sometimes kids’ needs can fall through the cracks.  Be very careful and wary of this one.  I wish I could sugar-coat it, but I can’t.
• Are they getting personal growth opportunities?  Are they learning an instrument, learning fun skills, learning Life 101 skills?
• Are they getting an opportunity to be involved in the community they live in?  Don’t isolate your kids because their household might be different.  They live in the real world and need to learn to relate to it.[3]

I’m not saying you have to be Superparent to justify being polyamorous.  You don’t.  But, dammit, do your job as a parent anyway.  Yes, it takes time.  Yes, you’re gonna screw up.  That doesn’t let you off the hook from consistently trying.

For those of you who have direct reason to worry about custody issues, I cannot recommend the following article highly enough. Even more, the organization, the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund.  It’s run by fantastic and caring woman, Valerie White.

Dos and Don’ts to Avoid Custody Challenges.

[2] And by God, it can.  Don’t try to wiggle out of being a good parent by claiming poly persecution or Mama Java will have to get all strict on your butt.

[3] And maybe even change it for the better!

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Yeah, yeah, I know, tell you guys something you don’t know.

This doesn’t mean you should be an idiot if you decide to move in with your loves. Several years ago, one of my partners and I transcribed (with permission) a sample property sharing contract written for my family by a lawyer friend of the family.

It doesn’t take a lot of time to do and I really encourage any newly-forming, or even old-time poly groups who haven’t to do this. Plan ahead. And don’t think you’re planning to fail by having contingency contracts. That’s not the point. It’s like an insurance policy. You hope you’re never going to need it, but you’d hate to need it and not have it.

If you have done this, though, don’t pat yourself on the back too quick.

Are you updating it?

I know, it’s unromantic, but remember that living room suite the five of you bought? Whose is it? The family’s? That’s great. Now what if the family decides to go its separate ways? You don’t wanna go to court over something dumb like the living room furniture. Just what the world needs, another courtroom drama over something you put your butt on.

Remember when you write these contracts, keep the sex out of it. This is a property sharing contract. Nobody in a court is gonna care that your Master and Mistress collared you and you were living in subservient, trusting bliss as their devoted slave. All they wanna know is who is the damn’ silver gonna go to if you guys break it off and everyone is pissed off enough to land in court. Hence the admonition to update regularly. If you’re reading this, you probably have the resources to buy stuff at least once or twice a year. A yearly review is probably enough to keep things in check with an agreement to update for major group purchases. I’d suggest setting a dollar amount guideline on this one, just for clarity’s sake. Each family will have a different income level and a different idea of “major”, so hammer that one out, too!

If your family owns a business together (OLQ did), have an idea of what will happen to the property the business owns if the family/business dissolves. We decided that since one of the members wanted to continue in the same line, that many of the materials could go with the person who wanted to continue using it. If we hadn’t agreed on that, we would have had to have sold all the equipment and divided the money. In our case, that would have been far more trouble than it was worth! (Computers, software and electronic equipment depreciates fast!) But if you have significant stock/equipment/holdings in your family business, it’s an important point to consider.

I’m not pushing the contract to be pessimistic. Poly marriages last about as long as monogamous ones. It’s just that the monogamous ones have a legal precedent and ways to cope with the physical aspects of a possible divorce. We don’t have that.

<grin> What I hope in my secret heart is that every year when a poly family goes to update the contract it’s done with a chuckle, a “remember when” and laughter at the fact it’s not needed.

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You’re poly! You’re cutting edge with the open lifestyle of the future. You have pictures of your loves in your cubicle and you wave that poly flag every chance you get.

Then you get a pink slip.

Was it your lifestyle? Not to put too fine a point on it, can they legally do that?

The answer, as always, is “It depends”.¹ If you’re employed “at will”, an employer does not have to show cause to fire you. This means, that yeppers, you can be fired for being openly poly, it’s just that they won’t say that’s why. Find out if you’re an at will employee (if you work in the US, chances are good you are). Proof of discrimination becomes problematic here.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 makes discrimination on the basis of religion, sex, race, color, or national origin illegal. I will point out that fundamentalist Mormons have been notoriously unlucky in attempting to use religion as a defense for plural marriage choices, so this is hardly iron-clad. But, do read the text of the Act carefully. It really doesn’t deal with who you’re forming relationships with!

I keep repeating that poly people really need to know their local laws. It’s important. It’s amazing what you can get tripped up on through ignorance. Beware of wishful thinking in this. If it’s something with genuinely high stakes, pony up the money and talk to a local lawyer.

Seventeen states do have laws protecting employment based on sexual orientation. You can click on the link to find out what the laws are in your state. I’ve yet to find any legal precedence saying that polyamory is considered a sexual orientation, however. Legally, it’s a dark gray area. I say dark because there are states² that do have laws against adultery. If you’re married and actively poly, you might very well be breaking the law in your area.³

I’m not trying to scare anyone here, nor am I trying to be gloom and doom. I just want people to know their local laws before they decide whether or not to be “out”. I choose to be, and genuinely think it’s safer in the long run.

I just don’t want to choose for you.

¹I am not a lawyer. For more detailed information it is important to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction!

²And other legal jurisdictions like the US Military

³And legally, it’s adultery whether or not your spouse is consenting. It’s that extra-martial sex is happening at all, not how your spouse feels about it!

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