The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Should you have a group marriage or multi-adult household?

No.

Surprised? Really, there’s no reason to be. I do not consider group living The Ideal Way to Live. Oh, yes, it can suit people and and there are many that love it, but that does not mean that I think for a second it would suggest that it is ideal for everyone. It isn’t.

Consider very carefully what it is you do want out of a relationship before you get started with this. For instance, you might decide, especially after careful consideration, that monogamy is the most fulfilling life path you can have. I am not anti-monogamy by any means. I am not in favor of monogamy being considered the only path, merely a path that might work well. One of the most respected members of a group marriage discussion group in which I participate is monogamous. He is deeply in love with his wife, does not want a romantic relationship with anyone else, but joined the list out of curiosity to see what we nutcases were up to. He knows in his heart that monogamy is the happiest and most fulfilling choice for him. What makes him unique is that he understands that while what makes him happiest is something society generally sanctions, it is not necessarily the One True Way.

When deciding if you want a group household, it’s probably a good idea to analyze why you want it.

So, what do you expect to get out of it?

Hot sex?

Reality check: Yes, the sex is nice. Don’t forget about real life! While people do have sex, they also have to wash dishes, take out the trash, rear children, do laundry, pay bills and earn a living. A group household will have just as much difficulty making time for each other as any married couple. Just like in a monogamous marriage, you’re going to get time alone with your love about as often as you can manage to make that time.

Unconditional love?

Reality check: Just because you live with someone, don’t expect it. Polyamorous households have about the same quality of love as monogamous marriages - it can range from wonderful to truly hideous.

Instant Support System?

Reality check: In a good poly household, yes, you’re going to have a somewhat wider “instant support system”. Depending on where you live and the attitude of the community to group marriage in general, though, you may be on your own outside of your household. This is not a way of life that people are used to. Many people disapprove of it pretty strongly. Many of these people will be your very own blood. Be prepared for that. You may wind up feeling a bit isolated. In fact, watch for this, because it can be a warning sign for other trouble. You know, one of the abuse warning signs: If you’re encouraged to drop most former associations, that’s a check mark about whether or not you’re in a terribly unhealthy relationship.

Okay, so you’ve decided this is really what you want.So how do you form such a relationship?

If you do not presently have a partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, you’re cool. Go date polyamorous people. Get to know them. Laugh, have water balloon fights, go play Frisbee in the park with them, heckle bad movies together and have a good time. Relationships of various sorts may form, and chances are good you’ll at least make some close friends. While not all polyamorous people want group marriages, some do. You might meet some people who you love deeply and with whom you want to form a marriage.

Oh? How do you find polyamorous people? That’s easy. Go on the Internet, and join every discussion group you see even vaguely related to group relationships. Be sure to explain how good you are in bed and how your life is unfulfilling because you have so much love to give people. Make sure discussions revolve around sex. Use the expression Hot Bi Babe a lot. This is sure to attract polyamorous people. Be sure to point out to anyone who has a discussion on the list about anything other than sex that they not sex positive. (Not really! This won’t make you any friends at all. It’s just a reality that you do see this from time to time).

In reality, meeting people who are polyamorous, much less people interested in polyamorous group households, can be difficult. They don’t not wear signs, and many keep mighty quiet about our lives. Even more of us have been burned so many times by people that we get suspicious. If you do want to meet poly people, the Internet is a good resource to start with. There are hundreds of polyamorous discussion groups out there - many of the specific to local areas. There are regular conventions, camping events, and get togethers in most urban areas. Rural living is somewhat more problematic for this. But, among these people might be people who are also interested in forming a group household.

The problem here is that just because someone is looking to form a multi-adult household does not necessarily mean that this person is going to be compatible with you. It’s one interest out of thousands possible. Someone who was into Country music and did not like children, thought Renaissance Faires were for idiots who never got over playing dress-up, and was a member of Greenpeace would be about as poor a match as is possible for me. I do not care how hot looking or intelligent the person was, this Just Wouldn’t Work.

Compatibility does make forming a group household somewhat more difficult. Finding two people who are compatible enough to be together to form a marriage can be hard enough. Trying to add to that and you can find yourself in a nightmare. Patience is a good idea if you don’t want to have your life blow up in your face.

So, what kind of things do you look for when looking for people that would be good spice for a group household?

That’s a hard question, really. You do want team players. You want people who can approach something without an agenda. You want to make sure YOU don’t have an agenda, or are bogged down by expectations. You want love and I am NOT talking New Relationship Energy here. That newly in love feeling rocks, dunnit? It also melts your damned brain, and that’s a bad basis for deciding to form a household. Don’t do it. The stupid, it BURNS.

When you do form a multi-adult household, you do want a plan. You want to outline things in the most unromantic fashion possible. You want to outline finances, you wanna talk kids. You want to talk about household duties. I know we poly people love to just go with the flow and there’s no-one so easy to trust as someone you’ve just fallen in love with. That’s your biology and procreative urge speaking, and our technological society is pretty removed from rearing infants in the jungle and trying to save them from saber toothed tigers. Check it out with your present reality.

A good way to do this is to look at the situation. If someone came to YOU and said that they were about to do what you are doing, what would you say? If you would whack said person upside the head with a newspaper, rethink.

I hope I’m not being a downer here, but any relationship blow up can be nasty, and even if you’re entering into things with great caution, you can get burned. Even so, it’s a good idea to unhook your heart from your brain long enough to examine what you’re doing.

You might even find that this has created a lovely and fulfilling part of your whole life.

In any physical art you study, be it dance, martial arts, swimming, or team sport, one day, you’ll go to class or practice and the coach/teacher will announce with an evil gleam to the eyes, “We’re drilling the basics today.”

The beginners won’t react much. They’re still learning, after all, and any basics drill is going to be covering new material.

The intermediates will groan, restrain from showing any eye rolling, and be frustrated. They know this stuff!

The really advanced? They’ll be nodding their heads internally. Yep, yep, yep, it’s about time for another good basics drill, they’ll be thinkin’.

With that in mind, we’ll be looking at the basics of polyamory today.

1. It’s about love. Polyamory is a Greco-Latin abomination of a construction that means “Many Loves”. If you’re not coming from a place of love, you need to go back and find that first. It’s the most important thing. No, really. I’m serious. If it ain’t about love, it ain’t worth bothering with. Make sure what you’re doing is really love, first.
2. Communicate, communicate, communicate. This is often called the Polyamory Mantra and it’s called that for a reason. If you do not let your loves know what’s going on in your head, and paying careful attention to what is going on in theirs, you’re asking for trouble. Do remember that communication is a two-way street. Stephen Covey of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” fame says, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.” This is fantastic relationship advice, not only for romantic relationships, but for any human interactions. Humans need ¹ to feel understood. Communicate. It’s like taking food from someone’s mouth not to do so.
3. Polyamory won’t solve your relationship problems. I once commented Polyamory will mercilessly expose any cracks you have in your relationship. I stand by that more firmly than ever. If you’re bored with your partner, the two (or more) of you aren’t getting along, if you’re losing that spark? Please, please, please don’t be one of those “Relationship’s broken, add more people” types! It doesn’t work, it won’t help and it’ll wreak havoc on all involved. Solve your internal problems first, then decide if you want to branch out or not. But make for damn’ sure your original relationships are solid. ²
4. It’s about love. Love. It’s about love –not the slippery bits stuff (delightful, though that is!) Wasn’t kidding when I said it was about coming from a place of love.
5. Know Thyself. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t know some crucial things that permit you to be able to be loving and have a good relationship. Do you know what your boundaries are? If you don’t, you sure as heck cannot communicate them! Do you know what you want? I mean do you know what you really want? Can’t ask for it until you know. Make sure you know!
6. Know Thy Partner. You’d be hard put to come up with a more loving act than to take the time and energy to get to know someone down into their bones in a way that does not frighten them or barge into their vulnerabilities. It’s a courting process that’s actually far more difficult than getting someone into bed. It’s also a process that takes years. Yeah, yeah, I know you feel that wonderful connection when you fall in love. Feels great. That’s not what I’m talking about. This takes years. Puttin’ in those years is a fantastic act of love. (Opening up and helping the other person really know you is also such an act. Courageous, too, ’cause that’s vulnerable as all hell!)
7. It’s about love. I keep reiterating this and I hope I’m not too boring. Thing is, when I’m talking about love, I’m not talking about some pansy-assed, fluffybunny nonsense about “feeling positively” towards someone. I mean the real thing, from the blood and from the bone. I mean the force that gets you up in the middle of the night to attend to a sick kid. I mean the force that gives you the courage to be vulnerable. I mean the force that gives you the energy to focus all your attention on someone so that you can “know” them — and yeah, I do mean Biblically. There’s a reason that expression exists <grin>.

In fact, I challenge my readers, experienced polys or not, to come up with what they think are a good set of “polyamory basics” — things to think about that you can go back to on a routine basis as a checkup to see how you’re doing in your relationships.

Until next week, behave yourselves, my poly chillun.

Mama Java, out…

¹Many of my faithful readers will note I seldom use the word “need” when talking about anything other than physical things that keep you from dying. Guess what? A human that does not feel understood at all by at least one other person is a suicide waiting to happen.
²Barring that, have the balls to end and clean up the detritus from the old relationship before starting new ones if you think the old one is broken beyond repair. Suck it up and own your own shit, first!