The Polyamorous Misanthrope » polyamory 101

Trying to Break Us Up

Goddess of Java — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 14:00:50 +0000

What to do when a secondary female is trying get the primary male to breakup with the primary female in a polyamorous relationship?

This was not an Ask the Misanthrope Question, but a search term that appeared to link to this blog. In casting around for a topic upon which to write, I figured this was a good one.

If you do primary/secondary poly (and not all do) there is a time-honored and wonderful response to this.

Not a goddamned thing.

No, don’t look at me like I have three heads. I’m serious on this one. While I really do, no kidding, believe in being proactive, this isn’t in your hands. If your primary wants to stay, s/he’ll stay. If s/he doesn’t, s/he won’t. Simple, simple, easy-peasy. Ultimately, you’re being done a favor, no matter how much it might hurt or suck in the face of it. And yeah, losing a partner hurts and sucks. I’m not trying to blow that off, ’cause, man… Ouch. You can feel like someone’s performing an autopsy on your living body in the process. I get that.

But…

If another person really can break up a relationship between yourself and a love, you need to let it happen. Seriously. Otherwise, you’ve got someone who is only half-heartedly committed or interested. Who wants or needs that crap? You’re only going to be let down, and maybe in a worse way than is facing you.

If the relationship can’t be broken up, then you’ve got some tempered steel there in the relationship that is truly awesome, wonderful and valuable. Try to be worthy of it!

Now, maybe you favor a little more communication than what I’ve advised. You know, communication can be good, too. So, here’s some things you can say:

“I love you and want to stay with you. I am concerned about what’s going on. Do you want to stay with me?”

Ain’t nuttin’ wrong with asking for what you want and saying how you feel. This can take some courage, especially if you’re feeling insecure. But if you’ve got a good relationship with someone who tells you the truth,* you’ll get the truth and will have somewhere to go from there.

“I see doing , , and . It worries me. What do you think about it?”

You have to be absolutely concrete about behavior here. You might have a “feeling”, but unless there’s behavior to hang it on, discussions about it aren’t going to be very productive. In fact, if there’s nothing concrete to hang it on, your best bet is to observe rather than be reactive. In this instance, once you’ve identified the behavior, you’re still not interpreting it. You’re also showing that you’re open to learning what’s going on. You’ve got a concern, you’re bringing it up and you’re willing to listen to the answer.

But the big takeaway here is that no matter what, if you’re looking for a magic formula to enforce a specific dynamic, it ain’ta gonna happen. If you’re looking for advice on “how to keep your man”, I can’t help you. I don’t even think it’s wise. If he wants to go, let him go. I hope you’re too stinkin’ proud to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be there, anyway. Certainly you deserve better.

_________________________

* If you have a partner that habitually lies to you, that’s an entirely different problem.

You Might Like:

Ask the Misanthrope: Polyamorous Lie Detector?

Goddess of Java — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 11:50:53 +0000

A Reader Asks:

My boyfriend told me that he was polyamorous two years ago, and I really liked him and I also liked the idea. I was the first to ask him if I could see another person, but he said that he didn’t feel comfortable about it and I understood. But then he had sex with one of our friends and told me after it happened. He actually asked me if we could include her in our relationship the day after they had sex and I was excited because I like her a lot and still do, but I asked him if they could not have sex just yet. I wanted to get to know her better. But then it came out that they had already done this. My question is:

What should I do to make sure he is being honest with me?

Do you have any reason to believe he’d lied to you? From what you’ve said, honesty isn’t a problem here. Not only that, volunteering information isn’t the problem, either. You report that he told you when he had sex with someone. That’s honest in my book.

If you’re not familiar with the Simple Guide to Relationships [1], I’m going to strongly encourage you to take a look at it. A lot of it revolves around two things – being honest yourself, and believing your partner. Taking one’s partner at his or her word is a great way to train them to be straight with you, if that’s a problem. It doesn’t seem to be in your case. Going around trying to hunt down lies in a relationship is treating your partner as an adversary, and I think that’s an unproductive way to approach relationships. The theory is you love each other, yes?

I do want to address something, though. He seems to be okay with having other relationships, but is not okay with you doing it. Are you okay with that? If so, everything’s all good. But think about that one. The One Penis Policy of Polyamory has never really struck me as equitable or particularly respectful of women. I’ve always twitched at any relationship where only one partner had to face insecurities or do any self-exploration. Polyamorous relationships often have lots of people, and all of ‘em need to be pulling their own weight on that score, in my very strong opinion.

[1] Don’t worry. It’s not too long, and it’s a good read.

You Might Like:

“How Can I Tell if I’m Polyamorous?” is the Wrong Question

Goddess of Java — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 19:48:49 +0000

I ran across a post not too long ago asking how one could know if one were polyamorous or not. I break a bit with a lot of the poly community who see being polyamorous as something of a genetic condition rather than a personal taste. I see where they’re coming from and all, but I’m not sure it’s as ingrained as all that. I think it’s a spectrum. There are polyamorous people who cruise happily along with a single partner much of the time. There are polyamorous people who aren’t dating anyone at the moment. There are polyamorous people who are miserably unhappy unless they date lots of people most of the time. There’s a wide range out there. I’d say that if you’re open to the idea of more than one sexual/romantic relationship, you’re all good with self-identifying as poly, if that takes your fancy.

Other than enjoying one’s relationships, I’m not sure that there really is some acid test that’ll tell for sure whether or not one is poly. I also think a more useful question to ask, rather than, “Am I polyamorous?” is “Are my relationships working?” Being polyamorous is not a Get Out of the Human Race Free card. Sometimes you make mistakes in relationships, even when you’re poly.

There are some basic things you can look for when you’re thinking about

You’re Happy

I want to separate “happy” from “things being perfect”. Life is never perfect. But if you’re enjoying your relationships some majority of the time, that counts. You love your partner(s), enjoy spending time with them, and are fine with dealing with life as it comes to you.

Your Partners are Happy

If you’ve got a partner up in the bedroom crying most of the time about something, Things Aren’t Working. Either there’s a depression issue that needs to be dealt with, or your relationship(s) aren’t working – or both. That happens, too.

But when things are working, your partner(s) are going to be happy with you.

You’re Focusing on Living and Relationships Rather Than Polyamory as a Concept

Unless you’ve made a vocation out of Thinking About Polyamory[1], there’s a lot of stuff you won’t notice. If your husband’s girlfriend has a flat tire and you go help, then get on happily with your day, glad she’s not stranded by the side of the road, yep, that’s a good sign things are going well. If you’re checking in on everyone’s schedule, not because you’re grinding your teeth about the complexity, but are just making plans, yeah, that’s another good sign. If you’re in the mindset of “I don’t have a lifestyle, I have a life” then it’s probably a good sign that your relationships are working out for you.

I really do think that at the end of the day, it’s not about “Am I Polyamorous?” It’s about having the relationship or relationships that work for you and make you happy. You ensure this by choosing partnerships where you’re good for each other, and is less about relationship form. It’s the people involved that count.

But that’s awesome, because relationships are about people, not theory, right?

[1] And even those of us who do have a tendency just to live our lives and forget about that after awhile, ya know.

You Might Like:

My Wife Doesn’t Understand Me

Goddess of Java — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 23:09:09 +0000

“I’m in a mid-life crisis, I guess. The passion is out of my life and I’m looking for something more. My wife doesn’t understand me.”

Any polyamorous person on a dating site is almost sure to get a message like this from time to time. No, it’s not exclusive to men. Women do a serious version of it, too. So get off your high horse.

But male or female, if you’ve been in a long-term relationship that’s gotten blah, you might find yourself saying, “Oh, it would be so much better if I had a partner that understood me.”

While I’m not saying that your relationship problem isn’t that you’re misunderstood, do you really think something so commonplace and cliché is really because partners of decades don’t understand each other? Really? After decades together.

You people aren’t paying attention, are you?

And you know what? That’s rather the point. Now, you know ole Mama Java. She’ll never advise you to try to get someone else to behave the way you want to fix your problem. But honestly, this kind of intimacy problem is a genuine big deal. More than that, it’s often pretty tragic.

I want to offer a possible solution, and it’s a good one. If you’re feeling like your partner doesn’t understand you, do something a little counterintuitive:

Put all your energy into understanding your partner.

Now, I’m not suggesting long, drawn-out conversations where you’re prying like a parent with a non-communitive teenager. It doesn’t work then and it certainly isn’t going to work isn’t going to work in an adult relationship. When I say put your energy into understanding your partner, it means understanding the lack of communication, too. Sometimes, it can be as easy as, “Baby, we haven’t been talking much. Is there a reason you’d like to tell me about?” and find a floodgate opens. Sometimes, it’s a courting process.

Don’t confuse “understanding your partner” with “getting the information you need to have a good lever with your partner”. Understanding means exactly that. If you don’t love and care about and want to know your partner down into his bones, my dear, you have a far worse problem that your partner not understanding you. Got that?

If you think this is sounding a bit like Stephen Covey’s Habit Five[1] of the Seven Habits o Highly Effective People, there’s a lot to that. If you’re having trouble connecting, if you’re having a hard time communicating, seeking to understand and understand deeply does two things. The first thing it does is give you a clearer grokking of the issues involved. It is never a bad idea to seek to understand a partner deeply. Prying and being invasive is something else entirely. If you’re seeking to truly understand, you’ll avoid being invasive because you’re developing the empathy and compassion to understand how your partner is feeling.

The second thing that seeking to understand does is build trust. ‘Member how you were all upset and had your kickers in a bunch because your partner didn’t understand you? We all want to be loved and understood by our partners. You partner(s) want you to understand them, too! It’s much easier to make that connection with someone you have seen demonstrate on a consistent basis that s/he wants to understand you!

Remember to take it slow. If you’ve gotten to the “My wife doesn’t understand me” phase, your relationship has been sliding for a long time. This isn’t something you can gloss over for a couple of months and expect everything to be all lovey-dovey and dandy. It’s going to take time and patience. Me? I think good intimate relationships are worth it.

This won’t solve every single relationship problem you have. Sorry, there’s no shortcuts. But this is a fantastic first step to repair and expand relationships.

[1] Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

You Might Like:

Handling Jealousy: How to Fuck Up

Goddess of Java — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 17:38:27 +0000

I’ve been seeing more than the usual amount of discussion about jealousy on various poly boards lately, so I figure this might be a little topical to people. I have pulled out of the air the Definitive[1] Five-Point List of Ways to Fuck Up Handling Jealousy. I am sharing this because I am wise and all knowing about polyamory and I will deign to share my knowledge with you, puny mortal.[2]

1. Blame your partner

“Hey, I wouldn’t be feeling jealous if my partner were doing things right, right? If only she weren’t making me feel insecure, everything would be dandy!”

Making your partner responsible for your feelings is a sure way to mess up a relationship. There is a significant difference in, “I don’t like X behavior” and “You’re making me feel jealous.” If you don’t grok this difference down in your bones, learning about emotional boundaries is a really productive thing you can do for yourself and your relationships. It is not unusual for jealousy to be about personal insecurity.

As Franklin Veaux once commented, “Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean you did something wrong.” Don’t assume that your feelings prove anything but that you’re feeling something.

2. Blame the partner’s partner

“If only my partner’s partner would not make me feel insecure, I wouldn’t be so uncomfortable, right?” (See a pattern?)

Again, feeling bad on your part doesn’t necessarily mean malfeasance on the other person’s part. People aren’t saints, but assumptions don’t help.

3. Blame yourself

“If only I were more secure/better looking/better in bed/more evolved I wouldn’t feel so upset.”

Feelings might be uncomfortable sometimes, but they’re not necessarily because you did something bad, either. Jealousy isn’t always about personal insecurity. Sometimes there really is, no kidding, a problem among the partners.

I break with some of the more New Age polyamorous writers, in that I do not feel that jealousy is always some sort of weird emotional aberration of the spiritually unevolved. It can and often is a personal security issue, but sometimes partners do take us for granted, or are not giving us what we all agreed upon. It’s okay to talk about that.

4. Lie about it

“What’s the matter, honey?”

“Oh, nothing.”

Don’t do this. In a good relationship, it’s okay to say, “Actually, I’m feeling kinda jealous right now. I want to: examine this by myself and get back to you/talk with you about how I’m feeling/have a backrub so I can relax.”

Notice this isn’t making your partner responsible for how you feel. But it is communicating. I mean, you want an accurate picture of what your partner is thinking and feeling, right? What makes you think your partner is any different? When people love each other, they do care how the other feels even if it’s hardly healthy to take responsibility for it.

5. Ignore it

Like physical pain, emotional pain is a sign that something needs attention. There are dozens of reasons why you might be feeling jealous – some of them internal, some to do with externals. Unless and until you sit down and examine them with an open mind and without preconceptions, you can’t know. But if you don’t take a good look at what you’re feeling and why, it is going to fester and infect your relationships.

[1] Not really. It’s the number that came to me off the top of my head. I’m sure my Faithful Readers could come up with more.

[2] I should be ashamed of myself. But I’m not.

You Might Like:

Patient Griselda, or, Minding the Gap

Goddess of Java — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 12:20:35 +0000

Mama Java is lounging on the beach right now. Well, okay RIGHT NOW, I’m probably getting sunscreen on squirming little children, collecting beach chairs and making sure everyone has their towels, but I am at the beach this week. Here’s a column from Rain Hannah. Enjoy!

It can be easy, when you’ve been doing this poly thing for a while, to get complacent and fool yourself into thinking you’ve got it nailed. I guarandamntee you that you don’t have it nailed. Not a one of us does.

I’d like to get “Mind the Gap” tattooed on my forehead so that the next time I start feeling all like Saint Griselda, Patient Patroness Of Good Poly, I remember that I’m about to fall onto the third rail and get roasted with my own hubris.

You see… there will be times in any relationship, mono or poly, where the shit hits the fan. Where, because of work, conflicts, new relationships or ghost spiders from Mars, things may not be as harmonious as you would like. Perhaps, in that event, you assure yourself that things will get better when the ghost spiders from Mars have been removed from the equation. That if you are just patient and deal with it bravely, it will all be okay in the morning and everything will get back to “normal.”

Allow me to venture a few thoughts, to elaborate upon the theme of patience. It is fine to be patient. It is good to be patient. It is noble, wonderful, kind, gentle and all manner of good things. It is important, in life, to acknowledge that shit happens (constantly), and behave like an adult when it does. Sometimes it isn’t all about you and you just need to sit on your hands for a while until things get sorted, because other people really need your patience and good sense to win out or things won’t work. Here is where it gets tricky: you have to be on your guard about letting patience turn into something less healthy. Ask yourself… “Why am I doing this?”

Seriously. Ask yourself. Take a little extra time to examine your motives. That, ultimately, is the point of this wee essay.

I fell into this pitfall recently. Shit happened, like it does, and my partners needed some space to work things out. I, wanting them to be okay, happily gave them the space and time that they needed. I was patient. I behaved like an adult. I was being Generous to my partners and here is the rub. I realized later that I wasn’t really being generous. I was being selfish as all get out. I, very temporarily, stuck my needs on the back burner, because other people’s needs were more pressing. Let me say up front, that was okay. What wasn’t okay was the extent to which I took it or why I was doing it. What wasn’t okay – and I didn’t figure this out until later – was that somehow, deep down, I thought that there would be some kind of a reward in it for me. Some emotional reward, a special cookie, something I hadn’t really asked for but felt I’d earned with my patience and self-sacrifice.

Hey does that last line sound familiar? Oh my GOD it totally does! It was the whole Brave Little Toaster thing, only in the short term, looking very different, and there was no bad guy! That attitude? That was not so grown up. It was not so generous or patient. It was… I don’t know what it was, but absolutely the opposite of what I was aiming for. That attitude stinks.

“They got special cookies,” my subconscious said. “That means I get equal special cookies because I’ve been so patient and good. I’ve been Super Nice and a Good Poly Partner and now I am going to be rewarded with extra love and attention!”

Yeah, not so much with that.

I was rewarded with plenty of loving appreciation, but I did not get the special cookies I wanted. My cookie jar pretty much stayed about the same. There was no magical sparkle pony moment with ice cream and a parade, either. When these things failed to materialize, I might have behaved badly. I was resentful and angry because I didn’t get what I thought I deserved, in return for being so awesome.

The glitch in my mental scenario was easy to identify once I sat down and thought about it. My partners did not agree to give me special cookies in return for being so awesome. That was not part of the arrangement we made. That was something I filled in by myself, an expectation I penciled into the margins after they’d signed off. I got actively pissed off at my partners because they’d taken me up on what I’d freely offered and then I didn’t even get a cookie.

It gets worse. I used the situation to justify acting like some saintly, long suffering martyr. I got off on feeling really sorry for myself. I caught myself behaving in ways that were subtly guaranteed to make my partners feel guilty for taking me up on my offer in the first place. That was when I realized that I had my head up my ass and needed to remove it, stat.

It would be easy for me to wallow in shame about all this, but I’m considering it to be another level of a lesson I will probably spend the rest of my life learning. I’m grateful for the opportunity. Embarrassed, sure. Publicly so, if this gets published[1]. But I think it is important enough to risk that.

It isn’t always the big things. It isn’t always the long term things, the huge life issues. Sometimes it is the simple things, the small things, that trip us up and make us act in ways that are not so cool. Our partners take us at our word, and so it is important to make sure that our word and the agreements that we make are coming from an honest place, not from a place of unspoken expectation. Sometimes our motivations aren’t as altruistic as we think they are and sometimes everyone isn’t on board the cookie train because they didn’t know there was an agreement. Getting that stuff straight is important. Patience in the face of overwhelming trouble is good. Knowing why you are being patient and being upfront with yourself and your loves about what (if anything) you expect in return is better. It’s okay to ask for something in return. But you gotta ask.

Mind the gap, kids. It’s there.

[1] Editor’s note: It did. You masochist, you!

Patient Griselda, or, Minding the Gap

Used by permission

Rainy Hannah is a polyamorous woman living in Southern California with way too much yarn, too many cats, a couple of kids, and a Very Good Dog. She has been there, done that.

You Might Like:

Ask the Misanthrope: Coming Out as Poly

Goddess of Java — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 20:54:54 +0000

Dear Polyamorous Misanthrope,

I recently started a relationship with a person who has never been poly before. We’ve been dating for a little over a month and things have gotten really emotionally intimate, really fast. It’s wonderful and we’re both really happy being with each other. The complicated part for him is that I’m very poly. I have long-standing primary and secondary relationships.

The take home point here is that he’s not going to be my primary and if he wants a primary he’s going to have to keep dating other people and find one (hopefully someone ok with him still seeing me, but I don’t want to be selfish about this point). When we first started dating I met some of his non-poly friends and it wasn’t a big deal. He introduced me as a friend, we kept the PDAs minimal, and if they assumed anything they assumed we were casually dating.

But now that intense emotions are involved he’s starting to wonder what, if anything, he should tell his friends. He’s afraid to come out, afraid they’ll judge, but he really cares about me and is considering biting the bullet if being in the closet is likely to harm our relationship. My general rule for my non-primary relationships is that I don’t introduce them to or introduce them as platonic friends to people I’m not out to as poly (I’m out to my close friends, but not out at work, and not out to family). Trouble is with him that ship has sailed.

I feel weird about the idea of having to lie to people about our relationship. Not saying is one thing, but if they ask??? At the same time I don’t want to push him into making any major life changes just because I’m this big, bright, shiny new person in his life. Got any advice?

Signed,

Cramping His Mono Style

While it is many people’s strong preference to have relationships acknowledged socially, sometimes it’s awkward. Our society does have a monogamous paradigm with perceived rights and obligations towards couples as a unit. This can make things kind of weird. When I lived in a group marriage, I preferred that my spice be acknowledged as exactly that. In retrospect? I think I was expecting the world to conform to me, rather than just moving through the world on my own terms and not trying to mold other people.

I’m not sure, though, that I understand. Is your boyfriend asking you to lie about your relationship, or does he just not want to bring it up? I do tend to tell the truth when asked a direct question — sometimes with a note of horrified surprise if I feel it is too direct or intrusive.

A friend of mine tends to introduce his friends and lovers by name only. He doesn’t use relationship titles. If someone wants to get nosy about it, it’s on the other person. I rather like this approach as it works from a presumption of personal privacy about things that don’t matter. The idea that we’d treat someone differently that we’ve been introduced to because those friends’ binkies have touched is really weird, when you give it some thought. After all, what other people do privately between themselves is hardly our business nor does it affect us.

Of course, the real point is that couples are often treated as units with certain socially-perceived rights and privileges simply because that couple is an acknowledged unit. My thought is that if you’re poly, you might want to re-think that convention as you’ve rethought many others. I don’t have a full answer on how to handle it, because it’s an individual thing. For the record, I’m married, but don’t tend to do all the proper social “married couple” things. The Prince and I have worked out what works for us and it’s hardly conventional, but hey, that’s par for the course for poly people. There are people who know The Prince and his girlfriend and have socialized with them, but not me. I expect they’d be a bit surprised to know he has a wife. Shoot, even people who have socialized with all of us might very well think that The Prince and I are divorced but on good terms.[1] We choose not to volunteer, though if directly asked, we tell the truth.

We’re rarely asked.

Not giving full disclosure about your relationship to your partners would be deception, yes. They expect that information.[2] I’m not sure in a social context that you owe anyone a detailed explanation of the exact nature of the relationship. If people are that close to you, they can ask, I would think. If they’re not that close, they’re just being nosy.

Miss Manners, of all people, actually has encouraged the same thing… twice. She’s amazingly tactful about the concept of polyamory and other socially non-mainstream issues. She’s my hero and if I ever grow up, I hope I show that level of grace.

[1] These are situations where we’d be socializing around our kids, which makes some sort of connection pretty immediately obvious.

[2] I’m assuming… Maybe you don’t have such an agreement, and that’s okay, too. But many poly people do

You Might Like:

Ask the Misanthrope: Confused and Need Help

Goddess of Java — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 21:45:27 +0000

This letter is an edited highlights version – just for clarity’s sake:

I am attracted to the idea of polyamory for the spiritual implications, perhaps even more so than the physical ones. I feel it can help us to grow more as people, and can elevate and expand our love and oneness to new heights.

All that being said… I am confused and I need help!!

So, first thing is… I have tried to break up with my boyfriend, we’ll call him “Steve”, a few times throughout the course of our relationship, mostly from feeling smothered, wanting independence space and freedom– not for any lack of love towards him. (More clues to my natural poly tendency…) Most recently, about… 3 weeks ago, I was feeling stunted, claustrophobic, and like I needed to regain my wholeness. Basically, I kicked him out of my place. He was paying a little more than a quarter of the rent, and I felt I had a right to, since I was the original renter and paying the greater portion of the rent. This threw him for quite a loop, understandably. I may have acted a little rashly… When the move was over, and I had finally collected myself– I came out with what I really wanted: openness. It was a very natural discussion, and he very naturally agreed that it would be a fun and interesting thing to try out. Great! Exciting! Only thing is… he was still pretty pissed at me for kicking him out.

Next matter is… I’m really into his best friend, we’ll call him “Bob”. Bob and I actually dated for a little while before I even met Steve. I know he likes me, but I think he is unsure of whether “going there” with me would create a lot of drama. Bob HATES drama!

As far as I know, in my circle of friends I am the first to state that I am “open”. What if I scare everyone away?

I would greatly appreciate your help and support for a young, budding polyamorist! Thank you!

*gently lays the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness slightly out of impulsive reach*

Cupcake, you need to sit down and get your head on straight before you have a hope in the world of any relationship working out. You’re zipping around making impulsive decisions that affect people around you in really basic and profound ways.

Knowing what you really want is great. You want openness and can ask for it. That’s all cool. Thing is, now you’ve got a problem with Steve, and it’s huge. See, in kicking him out of his home, you’ve hit him at a deep and basic level – a need for physical security. He’s naturally going to find trusting you hard at this point. If you want a relationship with him you’re going to need to rebuild trust. This is going to take more than holding hands in a circle and getting your Kum-ba-ya-yas out.

As far as being interested in his friend, I’ve seen this go a few ways. When I was (probably) younger than you are, I did get involved with a close friend of my then fiancé (now husband). We were romantically involved for a few years, and know what? Twenty years on , we’re still friends and deeply value each other. But I sure as hell didn’t start that relationship before I’d established a pretty decent and strong relationship with my other partner.[1] I mean, we were gettin’ married and all. You ain’t there yet, m’dear. Steve’s still reeling from being tossed out on his ear. Being poly and involved with a couple of close friends needs a major amount of trust building, and as far as the emotional bank account is concerned, you’re in the hole.

Is rebuilding trust possible? Yes. Thankfully. But it takes time, patience and a hearty whack of humility and self-examination.

As far as not scaring people away for being poly? You won’t. If you’re scaring people away, it’ll be about being crazy, not about being poly. Sane, stable people are remarkably chill about sane, stable polys. If you and your friends aren’t sane and stable, ya’ll need to be working on that first, anyway.

As far as the spiritual aspects? I’m afraid you have probably come knocking on the wrong door with that one. I don’t think polyamory makes you more loving. I’ve seen about the same percentage of selfish, insensitive jerks and the same percentage of kindly, tender loving people in the poly community as the monogamous community. I expect people just act like people, and that’s really what it boils down to.

I hope this isn’t too much of a downer or anything, but as a takeaway, trust can be built by being consistently trustworthy, Poly relationships can and do work best if the people in them know themselves and are honest with themselves and their partners, and it really can be awesome if you can be the best person you can be.

Good luck!

Mama Java

[1] This is not to imply that I have not pulled any Stupid Relationship Tricks. I have. Sweet Baby Jesus, have I ever!

You Might Like:

Ask the Misanthrope: Jealousy?

Goddess of Java — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 12:00:08 +0000

A Faithful Reader Asks:

My husband and I have been discussing polyamory over the past couple months. I feel comfortable with the idea, and I know we communicate very well with each other. I am actually concerned about how my reactions could possibly hurt his relationships. I know I have had jealousy issues in the past, which I think come from fears of abandonment or neglect. I believe I am past that point, and I trust the relationship with my husband, but nothing has happened that I think would have provoked that ‘jealous’ reaction. I don’t want my husband to find someone he can have a good relationship with, and end up having to break it off and potentially hurt another person’s feelings because I become upset or jealous. Is this a normal concern for people in polyamorous relationships?

Yes, it’s quite a normal concern. How the two of you handle your relationships between you is definitely a matter you need to settle between yourselves. I cannot discourage enough, however, from mapping “I feel jealous” to “you have to break it off with the other partner”.

Yes, you need to be able to say if you’re lonely, and trust that you’ll be able to be listened to. I’m not saying to suck it up or suffer in silence. I’m saying bring things up to your partner. The theory is that you guys love each other, right? A very good thing to do in a poly relationship is for everyone on all sides to do their best to concentrate on that part. It really helps nudge everyone into treating each other well.

In my own relationships “I feel jealous” (and yes, of course it has happened) does not map to “you must break it off”. It leads to discussion. Sometimes it’s that I am feeling insecure. Sometimes it really is because a partner is ignoring our own relationship for the new and shiny. Sometimes it can be an indication of another relationship issue that’s serious. It can be from many roots, some of them internal, and some not. It would be a bad idea to assume either way.

But make no mistake. Polyamory is most certainly a risk. (Not that monogamy isn’t, it’s just that the risk is more obvious in a poly relationship). I encourage you to look into yourself and think about where you feel good and secure, where you don’t and where you feel your strengths and joys lie.

Good luck!

You Might Like:

We’ve Done It, Now Let Me Fix Your Life

Goddess of Java — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:00:28 +0000

There’s a popular situation in sitcoms and romantic comedies. There’ll be this couple — one of them[1] being presented as having their life a bit out of order. The couple sleeps together, and then the more together partner starts getting the other person’s life in order for them.

I’ve never been too happy with this one. The implication is that sleeping with someone means you’ve rights over them. I don’t care if you’re monogamous or polyamorous, this one is obnoxious!

Just because you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t mean you can:

Try to become their band manager.

When I speak of trying to become their band manager, I mean that as a kind of blanket euphemism for trying to manage any point in their professional lives. It’s just that the classic example of this is the girl starting to date a musician and then wanting to manage the guy’s band.

Yes, when you get into relationships, you do want to entwine your lives. I get that. But wait to be asked.

Manage old, long-term relationships for them.

This part may seem poly-specific, but it’s not. For monogamous examples, think of dating someone and then trying to help them manage their relationships with their parents – either trying to reconcile or defending the person against them.

In polyamorous situations, for goodness sakes, don’t try to help someone with his problems with long-term relationships! I’m not encouraging you to be heartless, but if you haven’t known someone for more than five years, chances are slim that you have the whole picture. If you’re dealing with new and shiny, you can’t possibly have all the facts to give good enough advice.

Get them to make a Life Change.

It’s one thing to want someone you love to Be All That They Can Be. It’s quite another to immediately start encouraging them to go back to school, make a career change, blah, blah, blah. This is especially true when you start offering to help with applications, business forms or whatever. Don’t. Just don’t. It’s fine to listen and find out what the other person wants, but sleeping with them doesn’t give you a right to manage that sort of thing for them.

I get that you might think they’re in a Relationship That’s Bad for Them. Might even be true. Even so, wait to be asked. Seriously.

When you are in a relationship, you have these rights:

You may ask for what you want.

No, you don’t get rights over another person’s time. You do get to ask for what you want, and in fact if you want a good relationship, you’ll do exactly that.

You may set boundaries.

I’m not going to go into a big lecture about boundaries. A lot of my columns talk about them. Click here for a series. The basic takeaway is that a boundary is about what behavior you’ll accept to be in a relationship. But, it doesn’t tell the other person how to behave. Yes, that’s subtle, and I spend thousands of words analyzing the difference in other columns.

The point here is that I think that translating some very, very wrong monogamous norms into polyamorous situations really has the potential for a lot of wacky hijinks that might be fun to watch on a comedy of errors.

But, dear oh Lord, you wouldn’t wanna live ‘em.

[1] Usually the male.

You Might Like: