The Polyamorous Misanthrope

This column is written by guest author Holly Bernabe.  She wrote it to try to help people posting sex or relationship ads to polyamorous discussion list why the list reaction tended to be less than stellar, and to help them be successful in finding the relationships they wanted.

I received your email/ad on my group list/social networking site, etc. And I’ve got some advice for you:

1. When looking for an addition, look locally. I’m likely in a state you aren’t in. You’re in BFE, wherever.  Why are you looking out of state? LDRs are possible, but pretty hard to accomplish.  Are you expecting the new person to move to your state?
2. Write intelligently. I don’t generally bother writing back to people who can’t write a full sentence with proper use of punctuation and spelling. I know in this day and age of IM-ing and cell phone text messaging, everything is getting dumbed down for sake of brevity. But in an email where you are introducing yourself, brevity is a MISTAKE. Brevity sounds like someone who has no education and is an idiot! For crying out loud, make an effort. First impressions are important. Is the first impression you want to leave your potential new spice with one of idiocy or laziness?
3. If you are going to bother to create a blanket email ad to post on a group list to try and find an addition to your family, add some detail to your email so you don’t look like a spambot. Blather on about your details and add some interesting quotes and so on so that we have some way of judging who the heck you are, so that we can figure out whether or not we even want to give you the time of day, let alone get to know you. As it is, I have no idea what kind of music you like, what you like to do for fun, what movies you like, or anything else about you.  Your email is a meaningless blank slate.
4. Sign up for okCupid and let us know how to find you on that site.  That way, if people want to check you out some more, they can.  OkCupid is poly friendly and has some fun features.  Lots of poly people are signed up there, already.
5. If you have joined a poly list, ask the list some questions.  Join in on some discussions before you post your ad. Then we will know that you’ve even bothered to READ our list and that you really are interested and you aren’t just spamming thousands of people out there with generic messages in hopes by playing the numbers someone will bother to write back to you. If you had bothered to read our list, you would know we allow most any type of post–however, we PREFER discussion and don’t like personals ads very much that have no personal information.  If you had read our list at all, you likely wouldn’t have spammed our inboxes in the first place with your ad.
6. Read the discussions on our list and make friends.  Then privately, if you all really dig someone, and you think they might like you, too, you can pursue them off list, if you feel that is an appropriate course of action.

Follow those tips, and maybe you’ll have some luck on our list.

Tips To Couples Looking to Add an Additional Person Into Their Relationship

© 2010, Holly Bernabe, used by permission

Holly Bernabe is a film student and mom of two (five counting the fuzzbucket dog, the spastic cat and the hubby).  Her biggest wish in life is to figure out how to stop time, so that she can cram into the day everything (and everyone) that she wants to do.

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I don’t usually rant at monogamous people.  Polyamorous people in general provide more than enough rant fodder and idiocy to be going on with.  But a couple of incidents have bubbled across my brain in the last few months that I just don’t wanna keep quiet.

My monogamous bretheren… If you wind up on a date with someone and they say up front, “I’m polyamorous.” do yourself a favor:

Believe what you’ve been told

Believe it if the person has a boy or girlfriend, wife, husband, or SO. But believe it just as strongly if that person isn’t presently dating anyone else.  ‘Cause I’ll bet you ten dollars to a doughnut that person will want to be seeing other people than you sometime down the road.

Getting pregnant isn’t going to change this (no, really.  Babies don’t make partners act the way you wish they would.  Often the insanity of early infancy means quite the opposite).

Falling in love isn’t going to change it. No, not even if s/he falls in love with you.  Being madly in love won’t change whether or not you’re poly.  Poly people can be madly in love with more than one person.  It’s… well, kinda the point when you think about it.

Polyamory isn’t playing the field until you find the right person.     If you’re looking for a monogamous relationship only, do yourself a favor and walk away if someone says s/he’s poly.

That said, if you’re cool with dating a poly person (and the ramifications that they’re not only going to be seeing you) then go for it.  Poly/mono pairings can work, but they usually do when both parties are realistic.   I know people who are utterly realstic about this and they have fulfilling, happy relationships.

That straight?  Good.

Now, I’d like all my little poly chillun to gather ’round, ’cause Mama Java’s got something to say to all of you:

You be clear right away that you’re poly!

Don’t imply it’s negotiable¹ just because the mono person you’re dating is smoking hot. That obnoxious.  Even if you’ve been dating a monogamous person for a long time, and haven’t really been looking elsewhere, it’d be a good idea to just bring up the subject from time to time.  (Hey, George?  I know we’ve been dating three years.   Remember when we first started dating, I told you I was poly?  Still hasn’t changed, even though I’ve not met someone lately).  Don’t let things slide.  Unspoken assumptions in this area will bite you.

Oh… and just for the record, announcing you’re poly after you’ve been dating someone awhile with no discussion is really over the edge.  Don’t do that, either.   Communication is one thing.  Dropping bombs isn’t really communication.  It’s just mean.

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¹Unless it really is. It’s sure as hell not for me, and more often than not, it’s not for most poly people.

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Personal ads tend to have their own code.  You won’t realize exactly what the person is really expressing until you get involved with them.  So here I am, in my infinite generosity, to explain a little about this and decode some of the more common phrases found in ads looking for relationships.

I have a lot of love to share – I am a needy, selfish prick who needs an inordinate amount of reassurance about my wonderfulness.  I will be soft, sweet and gentle until you do not meet my expectations.  Then the fangs come out.

I run my own online business, so can make my own hours and spend lots of time with you – I play a lot of WoW¹ while my partner makes enough money for my household.  I will not be spending lots of time either with you or my business.

I love to cuddle – If you like rare steak, Heavy Metal or good vodka, I’m probably not for you.

I value discretion in a partner – I’m cheating.  Prepare for drama.

Looking for someone sweet – Don’t ever disagree with me.

I am recovering from having my heart broken and am trying to learn to trust again – You will be the next Evil Ex.

Looking for a bisexual woman to complete our marriage – We’re unicorn hunters.  Hope you have a fetish for childcare, cleaning houses and pretending you don’t exist when our family comes to visit.

I’m sensitive – I’m touchy and probably passive-aggressive.

I’m a nice guy – I’m nice for certain values of “nice” and am offended by the articles at Heartless Bitches International.

I like strong women - I have an Oedipal Complex the likes of which God has never seen.

I’m working on a book – I want to look intellectual.  Admire me.  But don’t ask me about my production schedule.

I like sensitive men – I want someone I can bully into obeying me.

My wife has stopped sleeping with me – I’ve stopped bathing, brushing my teeth or spending any time on foreplay.

Masterful, looking for a submissive – You can probably have me curled up in the corner sucking my thumb in less than ten minutes.

Looking for my soulmate – I will realize it wasn’t True Love when something better comes along -even if I’m poly.

I love classical music -  I think that the use of Für Elise in Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown was kinda cool and will give you a blank stare if you ask me what I think of Baroque.

I like Sci-Fi² – I watch a lot of movies and pay a lot for my TV.

I’m into SCA/Renfaires/Historical Re-enactments – Do not ever go to a period film with me.  The costuming choices are capable of ruining my evening.

I’m into Tantra and am looking for a heart connection – I won’t admit I like to fuck and want to wrap it up into spiritual bows to make me look advanced.

I’m a Wiccan – I think Marion Zimmer Bradly wrote history rather than fiction.  My other critical thinking skills reflect this.

I’m a martial artist – I am worse than William Shatner’s most appalling Trekkie nightmare when it comes to discussing esoteria.  Run.

I think the Polyamorous Misanthrope is way too judgmental – I’m pretty perceptive.

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¹Yes, yes, I know that there really are self-employed people who make a real, live living at it. They’re in the minority, and they’re often more time-crunched than people with “real” jobs.

²Actual fans tend to abbreviate it to SF, and will usually name specific fandoms. There are a lot of them.

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