The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Personal ads tend to have their own code.  You won’t realize exactly what the person is really expressing until you get involved with them.  So here I am, in my infinite generosity, to explain a little about this and decode some of the more common phrases found in ads looking for relationships.

I have a lot of love to share - I am a needy, selfish prick who needs an inordinate amount of reassurance about my wonderfulness.  I will be soft, sweet and gentle until you do not meet my expectations.  Then the fangs come out.

I run my own online business, so can make my own hours and spend lots of time with you - I play a lot of WoW¹ while my partner makes enough money for my household.  I will not be spending lots of time either with you or my business.

I love to cuddle - If you like rare steak, Heavy Metal or good vodka, I’m probably not for you.

I value discretion in a partner - I’m cheating.  Prepare for drama.

Looking for someone sweet - Don’t ever disagree with me.

I am recovering from having my heart broken and am trying to learn to trust again - You will be the next Evil Ex.

Looking for a bisexual woman to complete our marriage - We’re unicorn hunters.  Hope you have a fetish for childcare, cleaning houses and pretending you don’t exist when our family comes to visit.

I’m sensitive - I’m touchy and probably passive-aggressive.

I’m a nice guy - I’m nice for certain values of “nice” and am offended by the articles at Heartless Bitches International.

I like strong women - I have an Oedipal Complex the likes of which God has never seen.

I’m working on a book - I want to look intellectual.  Admire me.  But don’t ask me about my production schedule.

I like sensitive men - I want someone I can bully into obeying me.

My wife has stopped sleeping with me - I’ve stopped bathing, brushing my teeth or spending any time on foreplay.

Masterful, looking for a submissive - You can probably have me curled up in the corner sucking my thumb in less than ten minutes.

Looking for my soulmate - I will realize it wasn’t True Love when something better comes along -even if I’m poly.

I love classical music -  I think that the use of Für Elise in Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown was kinda cool and will give you a blank stare if you ask me what I think of Baroque.

I like Sci-Fi² - I watch a lot of movies and pay a lot for my TV.

I’m into SCA/Renfaires/Historical Re-enactments - Do not ever go to a period film with me.  The costuming choices are capable of ruining my evening.

I’m into Tantra and am looking for a heart connection - I won’t admit I like to fuck and want to wrap it up into spiritual bows to make me look advanced.

I’m a Wiccan - I think Marion Zimmer Bradly wrote history rather than fiction.  My other critical thinking skills reflect this.

I’m a martial artist - I am worse than William Shatner’s most appalling Trekkie nightmare when it comes to discussing esoteria.  Run.

I think the Polyamorous Misanthrope is way too judgmental - I’m pretty perceptive.

---

¹Yes, yes, I know that there really are self-employed people who make a real, live living at it. They’re in the minority, and they’re often more time-crunched than people with “real” jobs.

²Actual fans tend to abbreviate it to SF, and will usually name specific fandoms. There are a lot of them.

If you find this site useful, consider buying the Goddess of Java a libation of that greatest of elixirs. The Goddess of Java disdains latte heresy and only imbibes the Java purity, so it's a mere $1.50.