The Polyamorous Misanthrope

We all like to do things that make our partners happy. It’s part of the fun of a relationship.

A friend of mine is dating a new person. That person’s spouse had kept a file for many years on things that she liked, her underwear size and how she liked her massage. He passed this on to the new partner, which my friend referred to as the “Keys to the Kingdom”.

While you might not necessarily be all that cool on handing around dossiers on each other, it does make sense to keep careful tracks of likes and dislikes. Me? I’m prone to dive into whatever project takes my fancy with an obsession and forget important stuff. You know, like partners.

I like the idea of keeping a data file so much that I’m putting out a template here of things you might wanna keep track of with partners.

Stuff I Wanna Remember About My Partner

Clothing sizes
Favorite Author (s)
Favorite Color (s)
Food Allergies
Food Dislikes
Food Likes
Coffee Preferences
Stuff that really turns him/her on in bed
Favorite Movie Genre (s)
Special Hobbies
Music preferences
Things that’ll immediately bring out a smile
Triggers that make him/her uncomfortable
Cherished Dreams

Obviously this is really incomplete. You’ll add to it as you get more information. One person on the PolyFamilies list keeps this in an Excel file with a separate tab for each partner. Not a bad idea, I think.

I’ve talked before about how knowing a partner down into his bones is always a good idea. This is a good start and overview.

But, I’d recommend you negotiate before handing this list out to other partners. Just sayin’.

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“I’ve been in few famous last stands, lad, and they’re butcher shops. That’s what Blouse’s leading you into, mark my words. What’ll you lot do then? We’ve had a few scuffles, but that’s not war. Think you’ll be man enough to stand, when the metal meets the meat?”

“You did, sarge”, said Polly.” You said you were in few last stands.”

“Yeah, lad. But I was holding the metal” –Sergeant Major Jackrum, Monstrous Regiment, by Terry Pratchett

I know, that’s a hideous image for something like polyamory that’s about love.

It’s also got a point.

This is for you social engineers out there¹. I’m seeing a spate of new people in polyamory discussion boards and every blessed one of them want the theory, the magical formula that’s gonna Make Everything Okay.  This is especially true among the newly poly and for some weird reason, the ones who are in engineering professions.  I can only guess that they’re trying to make the messiness of emotion make sense.

I’m not tryin’ to trash, honest. I like shiny theories, too. You think I’d be fond of Stranger in a Strange Land if I didn’t?  For that matter, I think the world would be a better place if people did make sense and were consistent in their behavior.

But they’re not!

All the theory in the world won’t help without some real world experience. I state a general principle, “When a person feels insecure, that person will try to protect himself.” It’s true. You see examples of it every day.

Have you internalized what that might mean to your relationships? Does it guide your actions? What happens when someone who is feeling insecure doesn’t go into a self-protective mode? Do do you dismiss the claim of feeling insecure? Does it throw you into a tizzy, because the person isn’t acting as he’s “supposed” to? Do you insist the person is lying?  Some people have taught themselves not to go self-protective when they feel insecure.  Are they not real people because they don’t fit a general (and often accurate) principle?

The point I’m trying to make is that all the theory in the world isn’t going to help if you do not pay attention to how people in relationships with you actually act. Theory is genuinely good to a point. Basic theories are a great jumping-off point to learning. But if you see a contradiction between the theory and what’s going on in front of you, maybe you need to pay better attention to what goes on in front of you. Maybe you even need to revise your theory.

I can throw all kinds of statistics, facts and beliefs out there: The average marriage² lasts about five years, adding partners to a relationship means more complex processing, 98% of sexually active people have been exposed to HPV…

That’s only the diving board — the point at which your spring off from to start your discovery. They’re okay generalizations as far as they go. The problem is that they give you no specifics. That the average marriage fails in five years says nothing at all about your marriage.

That’s where the problem of theory comes in. Theory’s a good start, but people are specific. When you’re having a romantic relationship, you’re doing it with an individual. Now, this is not a call for all you special snowflakes to get all happy about how damn unique you are. You’re not more uniquer³ than all those other proles, ‘kay? This isn’t about you, anyway. This is about you paying close attention to your partners.

Learn them. Learn to understand them. Find out where they are in line with all your poly theory and where they veer off the track.

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¹In the interests of honesty in disclosure, I suppose I ought to point out that I am a recovering social engineer. Dammit, I want people to make sense, and sometimes they don’t.

²Poly or not. Surprise, surprise, the average is the same!

³And howzat expression for a literary abomination?

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There’s been a few discussions going around various polyamory communities talking about relationship rules, tastes in physiques, and a lot of other things.

Part of the discussion will invariably involve why some standard or another is wrong. When you dig a little deeper, it is often because that particular person doesn’t meet said standard.

I have an answer to that.

So fucking what? Get over yourselves. What is this idea that you must be universal relationship material? Do you think that you’ll have a higher status if more people wanna fuck you? Do you think it’s personal?

First off, it’s probably not personal. Take “I don’t do LDRs”. If you live on the other side of a continent from someone and they say that, it’s hardly an insult. It’s not personal. That person just doesn’t want to do long distance relationships. Fine. They don’t have to, and it’s not a reflection on you.

What about “I’m not attracted to people who are heavy?” Guess what, friends. Still not personal. That person is allowed her own criteria. To take it personally isn’t useful or even realistic. It’d be a damn stupid reason to run out and diet¹, cause there might be other reasons that the person isn’t attracted to you.

What about “I’m not attracted to people with long black hair?” Should you run out and chop off your raven locks? Friends, you’d be an idiot to do so.

What about “Do not wake me up because you’re having serious emotional issues?” Ahh… interesting. Well, if you need to be able to call someone at three in the morning to cry on them on a regular basis maybe that person isn’t right for you! How ’bout that? See, it works both ways, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean the person who is protective of her sleep is a horrible person, nor does it mean you are. It means you have severely incompatible needs. It’s not a personal affront.

I’m all for change if you think it’ll benefit you. Don’t get me wrong. If running around punching people in the nose isn’t working for you, sure, stopping that and trying other behavior might be useful.

But it’s not a personal affront if a majority of the world doesn’t find you relationship material, nor should you necessarily “make yourself over” to gain sex or romantic relationships. It’s not a contest, no matter how many people seem to think the more people you want to fuck you, the more you win at life.

The relationships that are worth having are the ones that work for you. And let’s face it, even as poly people, we only have 168 hours a week. We all have interests other than romantic relationships. We’ve got our careers, our hobbies, our families, and our individual lives.

Get over yourselves!

¹Not saying that you shouldn’t take care of your health, but body mod to increase fuckability becomes a zero sum game. For the extremes of this, check out honest accounts of any industry where fitting a specific body image becomes a major part of the job.

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We all have our standards for choosing loves. That’s cool. We should.

I’d like to share one of mine: How does he treat someone he isn’t interested in gettin’ busy with?

If there’s a significant gap in kindness, courtesy or respect, I take a pass on that relationship.

Not sayin’ one shouldn’t have criteria, notice. The guy who’s interested in me prolly either is really, really into curves or brains. That’s all good. We all have our tastes, and being desired can feel good. But if I hear him refer to the wispy little thing as a “skinny bitch”, or a reasonably decent person who’s not too bright disparagingly, my interest is gonna be gone.

It’s a variant on “If she’s nice to you and rude to the wait staff, she’s not a nice person.”

I almost think, sometimes, that there is this underlying cultural idea that it’s okay to be a little hostile to people who don’t “measure up” to your views of sexual attractiveness. It’s as if humans pay rent on this planet by being sexy, and deserve a little punishment if they don’t. Eavesdrop on group of men or women talking sometimes, when the subject of sexual attractiveness comes around. They can get harsh.

And no, I don’t buy the “Well, we’re biologically programmed to reproduce, so of course we’re going to behave that way. You can’t escape biology.” I’d be willing to bet that none of my male readers have raped a woman that smells like she’s ovulating. You’ve proven you’re not at the mercy of your biological imperatives. Biology drives us to a certain extent, yes, but we get a choice in our behavior, too.

You don’t owe everyone sexual interest, of course. (Who’d have the time?) I’m just talking courtesy, even behind their backs.

Don’t take it to mean that it’s bad to express your tastes. You can do that without slamming the person. “He doesn’t have a physique/IQ that’s to my tastes” is okay. You’re not calling names or being discourteous about a person.

This isn’t about being fluffybunny. You can have your flinty, stern standards (God knows I do!) and still be a decent human being.

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Should you have a group marriage or multi-adult household?

No.

Surprised? Really, there’s no reason to be. I do not consider group living The Ideal Way to Live. Oh, yes, it can suit people and and there are many that love it, but that does not mean that I think for a second it would suggest that it is ideal for everyone. It isn’t.

Consider very carefully what it is you do want out of a relationship before you get started with this. For instance, you might decide, especially after careful consideration, that monogamy is the most fulfilling life path you can have. I am not anti-monogamy by any means. I am not in favor of monogamy being considered the only path, merely a path that might work well. One of the most respected members of a group marriage discussion group in which I participate is monogamous. He is deeply in love with his wife, does not want a romantic relationship with anyone else, but joined the list out of curiosity to see what we nutcases were up to. He knows in his heart that monogamy is the happiest and most fulfilling choice for him. What makes him unique is that he understands that while what makes him happiest is something society generally sanctions, it is not necessarily the One True Way.

When deciding if you want a group household, it’s probably a good idea to analyze why you want it.

So, what do you expect to get out of it?

Hot sex?

Reality check: Yes, the sex is nice. Don’t forget about real life! While people do have sex, they also have to wash dishes, take out the trash, rear children, do laundry, pay bills and earn a living. A group household will have just as much difficulty making time for each other as any married couple. Just like in a monogamous marriage, you’re going to get time alone with your love about as often as you can manage to make that time.

Unconditional love?

Reality check: Just because you live with someone, don’t expect it. Polyamorous households have about the same quality of love as monogamous marriages – it can range from wonderful to truly hideous.

Instant Support System?

Reality check: In a good poly household, yes, you’re going to have a somewhat wider “instant support system”. Depending on where you live and the attitude of the community to group marriage in general, though, you may be on your own outside of your household. This is not a way of life that people are used to. Many people disapprove of it pretty strongly. Many of these people will be your very own blood. Be prepared for that. You may wind up feeling a bit isolated. In fact, watch for this, because it can be a warning sign for other trouble. You know, one of the abuse warning signs: If you’re encouraged to drop most former associations, that’s a check mark about whether or not you’re in a terribly unhealthy relationship.

Okay, so you’ve decided this is really what you want.So how do you form such a relationship?

If you do not presently have a partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, you’re cool. Go date polyamorous people. Get to know them. Laugh, have water balloon fights, go play Frisbee in the park with them, heckle bad movies together and have a good time. Relationships of various sorts may form, and chances are good you’ll at least make some close friends. While not all polyamorous people want group marriages, some do. You might meet some people who you love deeply and with whom you want to form a marriage.

Oh? How do you find polyamorous people? That’s easy. Go on the Internet, and join every discussion group you see even vaguely related to group relationships. Be sure to explain how good you are in bed and how your life is unfulfilling because you have so much love to give people. Make sure discussions revolve around sex. Use the expression Hot Bi Babe a lot. This is sure to attract polyamorous people. Be sure to point out to anyone who has a discussion on the list about anything other than sex that they not sex positive. (Not really! This won’t make you any friends at all. It’s just a reality that you do see this from time to time).

In reality, meeting people who are polyamorous, much less people interested in polyamorous group households, can be difficult. They don’t not wear signs, and many keep mighty quiet about our lives. Even more of us have been burned so many times by people that we get suspicious. If you do want to meet poly people, the Internet is a good resource to start with. There are hundreds of polyamorous discussion groups out there – many of the specific to local areas. There are regular conventions, camping events, and get togethers in most urban areas. Rural living is somewhat more problematic for this. But, among these people might be people who are also interested in forming a group household.

The problem here is that just because someone is looking to form a multi-adult household does not necessarily mean that this person is going to be compatible with you. It’s one interest out of thousands possible. Someone who was into Country music and did not like children, thought Renaissance Faires were for idiots who never got over playing dress-up, and was a member of Greenpeace would be about as poor a match as is possible for me. I do not care how hot looking or intelligent the person was, this Just Wouldn’t Work.

Compatibility does make forming a group household somewhat more difficult. Finding two people who are compatible enough to be together to form a marriage can be hard enough. Trying to add to that and you can find yourself in a nightmare. Patience is a good idea if you don’t want to have your life blow up in your face.

So, what kind of things do you look for when looking for people that would be good spice for a group household?

That’s a hard question, really. You do want team players. You want people who can approach something without an agenda. You want to make sure YOU don’t have an agenda, or are bogged down by expectations. You want love and I am NOT talking New Relationship Energy here. That newly in love feeling rocks, dunnit? It also melts your damned brain, and that’s a bad basis for deciding to form a household. Don’t do it. The stupid, it BURNS.

When you do form a multi-adult household, you do want a plan. You want to outline things in the most unromantic fashion possible. You want to outline finances, you wanna talk kids. You want to talk about household duties. I know we poly people love to just go with the flow and there’s no-one so easy to trust as someone you’ve just fallen in love with. That’s your biology and procreative urge speaking, and our technological society is pretty removed from rearing infants in the jungle and trying to save them from saber toothed tigers. Check it out with your present reality.

A good way to do this is to look at the situation. If someone came to YOU and said that they were about to do what you are doing, what would you say? If you would whack said person upside the head with a newspaper, rethink.

I hope I’m not being a downer here, but any relationship blow up can be nasty, and even if you’re entering into things with great caution, you can get burned. Even so, it’s a good idea to unhook your heart from your brain long enough to examine what you’re doing.

You might even find that this has created a lovely and fulfilling part of your whole life.

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One of the issues that often arise in poly situations — especially in group living is who decides what gets done.

Sure, sure, a consensus model works. But have you ever gotten more than two people to happily agree on more than 50% of decisions? (The “happily” part is important in the long run. Just going along without being happy means that you’re gonna have some resentment along the line).

When the consensus model won’t work, there’s another option: The Designated Control Freak.

I found out about the whole concept of the DCF from a good friend of mine, and thought it was funny and cute and a nifty way to solve decision issues. I told my roommate about it, who also thought it was cute, so we jokingly implemented it.

It was at least six months before we internalized the awesome power of the system.

Here’s the way it works. When the person becomes the Designated Control Freak (DCF) the dialog will be in italics.

Albert: Let’s go out to eat.

Betty: Great! Where shall we go?

Carl: I don’t want to go to a vegetarian restaurant.

Albert: Okay, where are we going then?

Carl: Let’s go to the Outback Steak House.

Betty: No, I hate chain restaurants.

Carl: Okay, Betty, where are we going?

Betty: There’s the new Thai place.

<silent pause>

Betty: Okay, I’ll call them and see if they take reservations.

The way the one becomes the DCF is to express a dissenting opinion when trying to come to a decision. If you have a dissenting opinion, you become responsible for the outcome and have to solve the problem. (i.e. what restaurant to go to for an outing). If you have a strong opinion about where to go and speak up, it’s up to you to organize it. Notice that in the course of a few sentances, the DCF changed several times. It wasn’t an argument (and usually when you agree to the DCF system there won’t be).

If you speak up, if you express an opinion, you’re the DCF until someone else speaks up with a different solution.

You’d think it would be a way for people to railroad through their decisions. But it isn’t. Sometimes you recognize that what you really want is not to be the leader, and shut up. Sometimes you want something badly enough to take the reigns.

Part of the beauty of this system is that it is impossible to be a Puppeteer and try to be the Hindmost¹. If you have an opinion, you’re in charge.

This model reduces fights in a lot of areas. You have a specific way you want the bathroom cleaned? Then you’re the Bathroom DCF. Go for it. It gets cleaned your way. You think the trash has to be emptied before you have to tamp trash down in the kitchen garbage bin, huzzah! You’re the DCF and get to do it.

Does this mean a lazy person could slack in the house and never have to do anything because he never speaks up? In theory, I suppose it could. In practice, I’ve noticed that even the most housework-phobic and disorganized have their own tweaks and twitches for which they will become the DCF and not so lazy as all that.

The thing is, this model really also works well because no-one is willing to work that hard to get his way about everything when he’s responsible for the outcome. You’ll usually find that if someone is trying to bully to get their way on everything, they’re seeing the other person as their “hands” to accomplish what they want. Puppeteering, if you will. This removes the strings nicely.

¹For those of you who are not science fiction geeks, in the Ringworld series, there is a culture of creatures who lead from behind — their morality is more-or-less based on cowardice: the ruling class is known as they-who-lead-from-behind, and the supreme leader is called the Hindmost. Their leader is called the Hindmost.

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We talk about communication being important between polyamorous people all the time, and with good reason. It is important.

I got to thinking about ways to ensure good communication and came up with the following:

• Tell the truth

This seems really basic and you know, it isn’t. I’m not talking “Brutal Honesty” here. That’s usually more often an excuse for bullying than it is being genuinely honest. What I mean is that it’s a good idea to make sure that you’re first being honest with yourself, and knowing your motives, then being honest with the person you’re talking to. You can do this kindly.

When you’re communicating with a partner, make sure you’re letting him in on what you’re really thinking and feeling. Your partner has to have accurate information to work with. If you’re not comfortable telling your partner what you’re thinking or feeling, either you’ve got a problem being honest, or you’ve got a problem with your partner that goes a lot deeper than “communication”. A good way to know which it is is to check out how close you tend to play your cards to your chest with intimate friends. If you have a problem telling them the truth about what you’re thinking and feeling, too, take a look at your driver’s license. There will be a pic of the person at fault right there.

• If you have a choice, presume benevolent motives.

You and your partner(s) love each other, right? Of all the people in the world that want your good, surely this person or these people will be them. Sure, people can be thoughtless and hurt feelings, but you can say your feelings are hurt and give a person a chance to explain. “I statements” ¹ are great for this. If you say “I feel X”, you’re owning your own feelings without making the other person responsible for them. It’ll also give the person a chance to elaborate on what’s going on in his or her head, and you’ll have more information to work with. Sometimes you’ll get an “Oops, my bad” or “I didn’t mean X quite that way. Lemme ‘esplain”.

If your partner is actually out to get you (or at least if you have such a deep belief), chances are good you’ve got something more than communication going wrong. For the record, punishment doesn’t belong in any adult relationship outside of the fantasy of a BSDM scene, ‘kay?

• Avoid sarcasm.

I was discussing this article with a friend of mine and she wisely pointed out that the allure of sarcasm is rather like the allure of almost all humor. It’s about pain and the reaction to it. The thing is, while sarcasm may be a reaction to pain, far too often it is often an attempt to cause it as a punishment to someone for being wrong somehow². I don’t need to point out that good communication comes from benevolent motives. If you’re using sarcasm, maybe your motives aren’t as benevolent as all that and your partner(s) are right to feel as if they need to back off and defend themselves.

• Ask questions to try to understand. Then listen carefully to the answer!
  

When you don’t understand something, ask a question. Listen to the answer. It’s a simple, yet powerful technique. Far too often when people are talking, they’re just flapping their tongues. Don’t blow your partner off by asking a question and then wait to find something you can jump on to prove your point. Listen to what they’re saying.

These habits are relatively simple, yet very powerful in relationships. Though, like many good habits, do you practice them? Have you made it a priority to learn good communication skills?

If you haven’t, that’s okay. You really can change how you behave. Don’t expect people in your life to fall all over you accepting the change all at once, though. If you’ve made it a habit not to listen, to use a lot of sarcasm or presume malevolent motives, you may have to go through a trust building period — and I don’t mean just a couple of weeks here. People who’ve needed to protect themselves might be slow to open up. But just be patient and practice your good habits.

The results are really fun!
¹When used properly. I’ve seen some sneaky and passive aggressive uses of “i statements” that would curdle the blood of any person whose goal was actual communication.
²We who have the character flaw of being judgmental can be just awfully sarcastic!

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Polyamorous literature is full of touching stories of how opening a marriage rekindled a deep and abiding love between the original couple and deepen their relationship.

You think I’m gonna sneer, ain’tcha?

Nope. I’m not. I think many of those stories are quite true and are wonderful tales to tell. I do want to point out a serious problem with these stories. People mistakenly think that opening the relationship was the solution rather than a side effect to other things that couple probably did before opening the relationship.

Plenty of poly people have been guilty of this one. I’ve seen it once or twice among people who were very proud of their emotional maturity, too.

But if you’re bored, if things are tepid between you and your mate, if you’re feeling stifled…

Adding more people is not magically going to help your original relationship.

Oh, polyamory may be the way to go, it really might. But you want to settle the issues between yourself and your mate first! If you don’t want to do it for yourselves, dear Lord, at least think of the people you’ll be getting involved with! Presumably you’re thinking that if you open your relationship you might actually love the people you’re getting involved with. Do you want to drop them in the middle of an unpleasant mess?

Worse, are you really okay with using a person as a band-aid for your original relationship? (I’ll pay you the compliment of assuming not).

So, how’s those communication skills? How are you guys connecting? Do you feel okay with being vulnerable with your mate?

If things are a little blah between you, and you’re willing to do this work first, yes yes yes, you’re going to find a wonderful re-connection and rekindling. It won’t be polyamory that did it, though, but a mutual willingness to open up, communicate and be vulnerable.

And yes, that’ll help the poly part, too.

Just, make sure you get these things in the right order!

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Back many moons ago when I used to write for PolyFamilies, my spice at the time and I used to muse over the fact that the site would be useful to almost anyone. It was mostly about running a household, with the quirkiness of being a multi-adult marriage thrown in. The principles, however, could be applied to almost anything. I still use versions of them in my much smaller, not-a-group marriage household now!

Relationships are similar, you know. The principles of conducting good relationships don’t only apply to the ones you have with people you’re doinking!

There’s an excellent article on the Polyamory Society site by Brian Frederick that lists a series of relationship skills crucial to the polyamorous person. At the very end, Frederick comments that his article could apply to any relationship — business, family or otherwise, and he’s right.

What good personal interaction really boils down to is approaching people with respect and insisting on being respected — on drawing good boundaries around what’s good and what’s not. It’s about communicating honestly.

While I’d be the last person to say that Polyamory Makes Us Better People, I will say that if you are going to dedicate yourself to the skills necessary to maintain good multiple relationships, yeah, it’s gonna have a self-improvement effect in general.

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For all that I often make cracks about couples looking for that bi-chick to move in with them for lives of Perfect Poly Bliss, sometimes you really do find someone who might really want to form a family with a couple.

When moving from a couple dynamic to a triad, you’ve kinda gotta be willing to let the coupledom go first. No, stop looking at me like that. I know you’ve been together for fifteen years, and have a house and kids. If the couple part is that damn important to you, do everyone a favor. Be poly, if you want. Form relationships and enjoy them. But stop bloody well looking for someone to “add” to your marriage to “make it complete”.

If you really want a triad let it be a new relationship. You’re really not going to be able to preserve the original couple with exactly the dynamic it had. The dynamics are all gonna change, anyway, and probably in ways you couldn’t have anticipated even if you thought you had all the facts. That’s okay. New relationships are new relationships.

I’d like to offer some helpful ideas to consider if you’re wanting to form a new triad.

· Move into a new home together. Move out of the house the couple shared.

I don’t blame you if this first one makes you squawk. Lemme esplain… No, that would take to long. Let me sum up.

If you have been living in a couple for any length of time, you have your own space. You’ve filled that house to make it “yours”. It’s very difficult to integrate a new family member into the old space. It can be done, but let me ask you a few questions:

Do you have unspoken rules about who gets to touch what and when around stuff?

Does the kitchen sort of “belong” to the primary cook, and is this person even slightly territorial? I was, and didn’t realize it. When OLQ moved in together, it was a very good thing, indeed, that we did move into a new house, as the kitchen wound up “belonging” to the cook of the night rather than have territorial issues between people in the household. Moving all of us into a new home was something we did right. (Yeah, we did things wrong, too, but that wasn’t one of them).

Is there a workbench or garage that is the primary “lab” of someone in the present household?

Do you have a method for filing books/papers/CDs/DVDs?

If you all create a new home together, it’s a good way to get around these issues. I promise you, they’re very real. Don’t think you’re exempt. It’ll bite you.

After observing poly households and listening to various living arrangements for a long time, I begin to think the Oneida Community had the right idea – give every adult member a small bedroom of his or her own.

If you have a “master” bedroom with a couple and then another bedroom for the new member, you’re screaming that there is a hierarchy to the relationship. Maybe you’re okay with that, but the sort of person who is independent enough to deal with a poly live-in relationship won’t be in the long run.

And the whole “all adults in one bedroom” thing? Just… Don’t. Not unless each person has another totally private space of his or her own. I don’t give a damn how extroverted and in love with having people around you all the time you are. Everyone needs some little space of their own. If they don’t get it physically, they’re gonna start creating it in their heads. Not a good thing if you’re looking to keep relationship bonds.

· Establish rules about parenting if there are children.

I’ve written more about poly parenting, I think, than any other subject. Just click on the parenting tag here in this blog and you’ll come up with most of what I have on the subject that I think is really useful. I’m not going to reinvent the damn wheel here.

· Expect individuals to have individual lives (and possibly loves)

Something OLQ did that was radically and horribly wrong was that we tried to be a single unit of four people rather than four individuals with lives who chose to live together. My God, we were so foolish. We did it with the best of intentions. One of us had come from some incredibly tightly-knit generational type family, so the joined at the hip type marriage was all that one knew. Others loved the idea of together, together, together.

Until it started to chafe.

A standard monogamous marriage can just barely stand doing all social things together, taking all vacations together and going to all events together. Even then, I’m not so sure that’s really the healthiest thing in the world to do.

When you’ve got more than two people?

Well, think about it: Even the most compatible of people are going to have their own individual tastes, goals, needs and desires. Make sure that you allow for those however you can. It’s actually good to do things as a family, but make sure that each individual adult has things that are Not Part of the Family that they’re doing as well.

· Don’t try to engineer everything

If your family rules start to look like a corporate merger, you might be stifling things a bit. While I’m all for having things out in the open, talking them out, and certainly writing a property sharing contract, allow for the serendipity that you’re going to find in any effective life. Just because you’ve been studying group dynamics for a long time, can quote all the mistakes you think the Oneida Community made, have elaborate theories on why the Nest system from Stranger in a Strange Land wouldn’t work, and have studied cult theory until you could write a thesis on it without checking any more references, don’t think that this theory is going to trump the infinite variety of human choice. Real people are cranky, cantankerous and gloriously unpredictable. It’s why sociology is more of an art than a science.

I’d actually encourage anyone who wanted to form a group poly household to take a few cues from some business models of relationships. No, no, don’t think I mean that it needs to be all cold and corporate. Believe it or not many large organizations these days are clueing in to the fact that the people are really the important part of any organization and that making sure that everyone’s needs are served is a good way to have a healthy, happy organization. I’ve recommended The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People more than once here, and I’ll beat the drum for it again.

But, don’t by whatever you hold holy, think you can make a triad some sort of “couple plus” relationship. It’s not “just like a monogamy, but with more people”. Let it be what it is and you’ve a better chance at the relationship working out happily.

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