The Polyamorous Misanthrope

“My idea is simple- everyone needs a blow job, a cookie, and a nap. If that happens, world peace will ensue.”

— The Mad Pirate Bippy

I like pithy statements, as they often illustrate principles.

The Blow-job, cookie and nap (usually abbreviated to BCN) is often prescribed on the PolyFamilies discussion group when someone’s seeming Just a Bit Too Cranky. This isnt’ done as a sneer, but in an honest attempt to be helpful. I’ve always really liked the idea, and not just because orgasms, something sweet and a good nap are all fun things.

Nope, I like it because it’s sensible.

If you’re cranky, tired and overwrought, something to relax you, a nice nap and something to eat is pretty restorative. Just as I discuss in the H.A.L.T post, it deals with the basic biological stuff so you can wake up and think more clearly.¹

I encourage this as a fun tool in the Relationship Skill Box — not because I believe sex, sleep and cookies is a cure-all. It ain’t². But, you know, sometimes in our daily lives and relationships, we get Just Too Damned Serious, and maybe that mountain would look more like a molehill in the face of a good BCN.

If you’re going to suggest it, I warn you, don’t do it in a condescending way to someone who’s upset. It won’t work. Promise. This is where play and jollying is important. You have to be able to present it in a way the other person will want to play. And don’t use it to get out of being chewed out because you were a jerk, either. It won’t work and might make things worse. If you’re gonna suggest it, the BCN has to come from the heart and with honest play, love and concern. Not only that, your partner’s gotta accept that’s where you’re coming from with it.

Discussions can be interrupted after all. As Edward Martin III comments in On Civilized Discourse,

“If there isn’t visible blood or visible flame, chances are, there’s no rush.
Also Known As: “The Law of Chillin’”.”

A BCN is certainly a good way to chill, and maybe after that nap, you might come up with something productive from your dreams and subconscious. (While the cookie was actually an onigiri and partner was omitted, I did write this upon waking from a nap. <grin>).

¹This is not entirely dependent on having a partner. You can have an orgasm and a nap without one. I often do, even when partnered. Nice way to fall asleep, after all.

²Sorry, Bippy!

Keeping track of household chores a point of contention with you and your love(s)?

Are you even slightly a geek?

Do you have a sense of humor?

Have I got something fun for you!

Chore Wars. It’s a very customizable program by which you and your household can have a D&D style adventure revolving around… housework!

It’s very simple. You just set up an adventure party, and create adventures (chores) for members to claim. You get to choose how many XP (experience points, for you non-gamers) each chore will receive. The recommendation is that the XP should be roughly equivalent to the minutes it takes to complete a chore. You also set up other factors involved in the chore. Ferinstance, stacking wood would be something requiring a lot of strength and endurance, but negotiating a car loan would require a lot of intelligence, wisdom and charisma. As you gain experience points, your character grows and changes according to what adventures you complete and what characteristics these adventure requires.

Each adventure is quite scaleable. Let’s say you give the vacuuming, which has a full XP score of 10, a lick and a promise. You can claim half that. You also have the option of outlining exactly what’s require to claim the full XP on a certain chore. (My household doesn’t bother).

Completely geektastic.

My own household does use this system and we enjoy it a great deal. While there never were fights about housework, it’s a gentle motivation to keep on top of chores in a fun way. Chorewars did not exist during OLQ’s heyday, but if it did, we would have used it. In fact, the chore chart we did use was a gentle way to show who was doing what over a period of time and did tend to keep people motivated to pull their own weight. But I think, being gamers, we would have enjoyed Chore Wars a lot more!

Be yourself. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it!

– attributed all over the damn’ place.

I’ve been watching some of the debates about the merits of potential candidates for the Presidency of the United States with considerably less enthusiasm than usual. (Not that it was ever all that damn’ high. I’m a Bear of Very Little Brain and politics Bothers me).

The name of the game in politics is “Pick me! Pick me!” This will mean that a politician might have Views, but she is going to temper her Views to make sure that the electorate will say “yes” to her come election day.

Believe it or not, poly chilluns, politicians are people. (Stay with me and try to breathe through it. I know this is a shock). This means that if a politician does something, it’s in the Range of Human Experience.

The mating dance is another one of those “Pick Me!” situations. It is a natural human urge to want to be selected by the mate of your own choice. That’s okay. The problem comes when you are fuzzy on what you will do to fulfill that want. (I’m going to pay all of you the compliment of assuming you’re ethical here. If you’re not, go away and stop reading. NOW! I don’t want to be bothered with you).

I consider this something of a “spectrum” issue. Are there things I’m willing to change if a prospective partner wants it? Sure. If someone has a thing for women wearing their hair in a bun, I’ll put my flowing locks up. Won’t cut my hair short because I’m vain about my hair and that’s important to me.

And that’s very illustrative of the point.

There’s nothing wrong with doing the occasional little thing to be accommodating. However, at some point, it’s best to decide what’s core to you. Then don’t compromise on those things.

I know, it sounds crazy. Relationships are all about compromise, aren’t they?

I don’t think so. I think relationships are about being mutually beneficial. Of course you’re going to compromise some things, even important things. That’s okay.

When it becomes Not Okay is when you aren’t true to what’s a fundamental value to you. This can be a very individual thing. To use myself as an example (and stop groaning!), uninterrupted time to write is a biggie for me. It’s huge. Not getting it? Dealbreaker. No relationship where I don’t have my “space” (and it doesn’t have to be physical) to work can possibly go on happily. It’s too core. Time alone to work on stuff might not be a huge deal to someone else.

But something that is core to some people and not to me is… oh vegetarianism. I’d be willing to go (mostly) vegetarian if a partner hard time with the smell of cooking meat in the house. I couldn’t care less one way or the other.¹ It would be no big deal not to cook a steak in the house to me.

I italicize those last two words because it is such an individual thing, and it’s really important to know what’s a core issue to you and why. Otherwise, you’re going to have a terrible time choosing a partner wisely.

What’s important to you?

• Lots of time alone to work on your projects?
• Lots of time with your partner?
• Plenty of animated discussion?
• A quiet, calm atmosphere?
• A partner who discloses without being asked?
• A partner that likes to be asked questions?
• Kids?
• Being childfree?
• Lots of family time?
• Plenty of autonomy?
• Lots of shared interests
• Harmony of political views?

Of course, as always, these lists are samples. You can think of at least fifty more or you’re not trying. Here’s the key — all of these things will ultimately boil down to a few specific and rather related concepts. You can use these as principles to guide who you choose for a partner.

But make sure that you’re putting out there who you are, what you’re about and what your core values are. You don’t want someone picking you on false premises.

Put who and what you are out there. Saves time, saves heartache.

And don’t sweat it. The only relationships worth having are the good ones — the ones in harmony with your core values.

¹Though trying to tell me I couldn’t eat meat when they’re not around could get close to a core issue real flipping fast.

Sex is only meaningful when you’re into having a long-term, committed relationship, right? It’s what polyamory is about, right? Committed relationships. We frown on people who “just have sex”.

That, my dears, is so much horse elbows.

First of all, there’s no such thing as “just sex”. That’s a lie adulterers try to tell to wiggle out of their perfidy, to make it seem as if the treachery really weren’t so.

Sex is always and forever tied up the heart and soul of who we are as people. It can be a power thing, a revenge thing, a sharing thing, an expression of soul, a demand of ego, a simple act of generosity and kindness. It can be compassionate, cruel, promoting of life and growth, or base and destructive.

It’s never meaningless. It’s too core to what it is to be human.

The mistake comes in, I think, when we throw a holy aura around some sexual relationships and not others — when we try to differentiate the specialness of one relationship over another in terms of sex.

I should be kinder than to batter your eyes with one of my infrequent attacks of poetry, but.. Well, I’m not.

Fuck the Fairy Tales

They can go to hell

With their “Happily Ever Afters”
And their endless repetitions of One True Love.

Worse than a lie
It’s a poisoned apple so shiny and lovely
That will choke you and leave you cold encased in glass.

The reality is that all Love is True
Or no Love is.

The glass slipper will shatter and slice
Your tender feet until you cannot take a step.

But in the field where your hands callus from the plow
The corn grows and falls in harvest.
Never forever

But…

The reality nourishes in a way
That no gingerbread house ever could.

The same could be said of sex. All sex is meaningful, or no sex is.

The thing is, sometimes the meaning is good — really good. Sometimes it’s not.

People develop their own touchstones for this. While I think “true love” and the whole drama nonsense is a bad one, there are things that can tell you if you’re on the right path.

For me, there is a sense of gratitude. Not as in, “Oh dear God, thank you for deigning to have sex with me.” That’s not very respectful of one’s self, after all. It’s more of a sense of, “I respect me and my individual self, and respect you and your individual self, and here we are sharing this sweet and human thing, isn’t it wonderful? Thank you for that!”

Proposals of contract? Promises of always and forever? You don’t need ‘em.

It’s never meaningless. And when you’re honest with yourself, you’re ensuring the meaning is good.

Relationships can be good and fulfilling things — no doubt about it. They can bring joy, help and mutual comfort to all involved.

However, there is a problem. People are people.

Sometimes they’re just fine people.

Sometimes they’re rescuers.

Sometimes they’re users.

I’m aiming this article mostly at the rescuer. You know who you are. People have said things like, “Yeah, Mary? She takes in stray dogs from time to time.” Your sofa often has someone sleeping on it. You’ve carted people around to look for jobs. You might even have the number to the local women’s shelter memorized.

Now none of this is bad.

None of it is bad. I’m all in favor of being helpful, being charitable and helping people who are in trouble – if you’re maintaining proper boundaries.

The problem comes when you mix it with a romantic relationship. This is not poly specific, mind, but boy oh boy, when you find that elusive hot bi babe, you can get real blind real fast to a lot of stuff. If you are that single hot bi babe, you can make a racket out of it if you want to. So can anyone else, mind. People do the most astonishing things when they’re in love, and the feeling of falling in love is cause for a lot of people to ignore sane boundaries.

So, what are the warning signs you’re being used?

• Habitually working all day and coming home to a messy house when your partner does not have another job.

Obviously there are times when someone Just Can’t Get to the Housework. Kids break arms, cars break down, toddlers can get into things you thought were out of reach and strew them across the house in seconds… Stuff Just Happens. I’m talking about the norm.

I’m not saying that if you’re a breadwinner you have a right to expect a house that would pass a white glove inspection, including the person having picked up the trail of clutter you leave throughout the house, h’ors d’oeuvres and a martini waiting and the smell of a gourmet meal wafting through the house. In fact if you get it, you’re being bloody well spoiled rotten and I hope like hell it’s not you that is doing the using. What I am saying is that you have a right to expect that there be no more dirty laundry in the house than the laundry baskets can contain, a few dinners a week have been cooked, some shopping done, and a basic level of cleanliness maintained.

Now honestly, do I think that the stay at home person is automatically a user? Fuck no! I was a housewife for nearly 11 years. I was a full-time employee with a housewife at home for somewhere around four years. I would love a housewife at home even now. My personal choice would be that if I were in a household where the was a full-time homemaker at home that there would be a fairly clear job description and the person would get a stipend (each member of the household having his own personal money is also a strong preference!) Keeps things clear and there wouldn’t be any feelings of “loss of rights” or “say” in what goes on in the household.

So no, housewife is not equivalent to user. What I am saying is that if someone is not working (home businesses count as work), if he’s spending all day playing on his X-Box and there are pizza boxes everywhere, maybe you want to look into whether or not there’s a problem.

• Much of your financial resources going into fixing emergencies for the person

Now financial emergencies do happen. That’s okay. It’s okay to help out, too. But there’s a limit. If the person is consistently in financial turmoil and is not clearly doing something about it, that should be a big ole red flag, as is a lack of control about the difference between wants and necessities. If you have a partner who gets his car repossessed, but immediately upon having that happen, cuts his cards, goes into debt counseling and gets a second job, you’re more likely to have someone on your hands who really is trying to take responsibility for his life.

• Inequitable agreements

The partner wants veto power over your relationships but will not tolerate the reverse. If you’re getting a lot of “special exceptions” to the “official agreement” pay attention to those exceptions, because that’s the reality of what you’re agreeing to, no matter what the official version is! It is my strong opinion if your partner is not okay with you having a life outside of the relationship that you’re in trouble. I’ll even go so far as to say it’s time to look for other signs of abuse.

• Grand plans for the future

If you’re being assured that if you just support this person until he gets his business off the ground…

Now, again, people do start businesses that don’t work out sometimes, and it might be that nothing is amiss. If this person is not working more than 8 hours a day trying to build the business, you’re being taken for a ride. If you’re being begged to continue supporting a business that is losing money for more than five years, you are really being taken for a ride. If they’re working longer hours than you do and you see evidence that they are seriously studying how to market their ideas, you’re more likely to be okay.

If the person has already had a failed business or two, or seems enamored of get-rich-quick schemes, run.

If the person has a reasonable expertise in the subject, presents you with a contract about how profits will be shared, has gotten an accountant and all that, you’re on less shaky ground. Entrepreneurs are pretty self-motivated people and it is not actually difficult to tell the difference. The serious entrepreneur will treat work time as work time. The best ones tend to set boundaries around “work” and “home” life. You won’t find them screwing around with video games during designated “work” time.

Oh, and never invest in a restaurant. (So says a friend of mine who has been a cook for 20 years).

• Requests for support through higher education

If you’ve got someone with whom you’ve already negotiated a deal where their job is to run the home, they’re supporting themselves through providing a service. That’s okay. It’s if they’re not doing an agreed upon deal, or are not paying rent in some other way, then it becomes an issue. Get this agreement in writing if you make it. Verbal agreements are more subject to interpretation and points of view involving what really constitutes self-support vary widely. Be very careful to be clear. If you’re subsidizing the education through a loan or a co-sign of a loan, make triply sure you’re outlining exactly what this is going to entail and what you expect to get out of it. Get in writing. I don’t care how in love you are and what a model of “trust” your relationship is.

• Requests for personal loans

One of the things I sometimes see on some online forums these days is a paypal button and a sob story about how the person cannot afford to go to Pennsic or Burning Man or some other entertainment. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for that. Sorry. If you’re getting a lot of requests like this, especially for entertainment, take good look. Now, if you’re going somewhere, want your partner to come along and can well afford to bring him along, that’s all good. Benevolent is fine. It’s how you’re treated if you say you cannot afford it that is the key. Temper tantrums and shrieks involving the word “unfair” are often a big tip-off in a lot of things.

• Personal emergencies of a non-financial nature consistently interfering with your personal plans

Emergencies happen. That’s okay. But if you’re dealing with anxiety attacks, emotional meltdowns, relationship issues (and anxiety-related medical issues), or the like consistently when you have other plans, you need to examine what’s going on. This is more being used emotionally rather than financially, but being used is being used.

If these issues crop up so that you are discouraged from getting enough sleep, this line creeps from use to abuse. Beware the partner whose favorite time for discussion is at 2 am when you have to get up for work in the morning — especially if he can make up for the lost sleep or has a considerably lower need for sleep than you do! Sleep deprivation is a useful brain washing tool.

When consistent claims of needing overly special treatment because of childhood issues interferes with your life, you need to take a look. In this, I don’t mean little things like, “Please don’t tap me from behind,” or “Please do not touch me to wake me,” or “Please call me when you’re going to be more than ½ hour late”. I mean things like, “I have abandonment issues, so I need you to make sure I am never left alone in the house,” or “I can’t learn to drive because I was in a car accident, so you need to drive me everywhere.” If it doesn’t interfere with your life and you feel the requests are reasonable, that’s one thing. But, watch for little requests here and there gradually adding up to more and more requests for special treatment that start to look like demands (the If You Give a Mouse a Cookie syndrome again). Especially watch for temper tantrums and accusations of being insensitive if you cannot meet these demands.

If the person objects to you having a life outside of the relationship, you’re in serious trouble. I know I’ve already said this, but it’s a big ole honkin’ sign of Bad News.

• Substance abuse

I am not for once second saying you cannot stick by someone who has a substance abuse problem. I am saying if it is interfering with the person’s life and she’s not getting help, evaluate the situation. You’ve heard of enabling, I know. Are you enabling?

• Bad credit, bankruptcies, etc.

Again, I don’t think it’s okay to throw out the relationship because someone made mistakes, but it’s important to make sure you keep an eye out. Any one thing isn’t the big deal that several items on this list or a pattern is.

• A history of broken relationships

This is not only romantic relationships. How many friends does the person have? Do they still see them? If not, why not? Sure, you can find out you’ve been in a few toxic friendships — we’ve all made dumb choices. But keep an eye out.

• A really dramatic hard luck story

Yeah, problems happen. A LOT. Life can SUCK sometimes, and we’ve all made stupid choices. Watch. What is the person DOING about it?

I hate to add this, but tales of abuse (If used to excuse outrageously bad behavior ONLY!!!!) falls into this category, too. It ain’t that horrid things don’t happen to people. They do. What are they doing about it? Are they in therapy? Are they working to overcome that? If so, you can deal better. If they’re insisting you make up for their hard luck, run.

• A string of broken educational pursuits/difficulty keeping a job consistently/inconsistency in sticking to things

I keep coming across things that I’ve done! No high horse here. Check it out and watch carefully. The person might be all right to be involved with. Might be looking for a sucker.

• Anything that smacks of abuse

Abuse is not just physical. Sleep deprivation, belittling, being demanded to give up personal goals, having one’s appearance consistently attacked, attempts at social isolation, finding yourself walking on eggshells to keep from activating your partner’s temper, feeling like you have to give in to keep the peace at the expense of your own interests, gaslighting… That’s all signs of abuse.

I know it seems so contrary to the whole principle of love and trust to even think about these issues. However, the simple fact of the matter is that people are people and you’re looking at a big range of behavior. It all boils down to boundaries. What are you okay with? What are you not okay with? This is important. Figure it out before it becomes an issue.

“Love may be limitless, but time is not.” — Me (And forty’leven other polyamorous people)

Where are your priorities? No, no, sit back down and stop panicking. I’m not here to tell you that you need to give up your life to other people.

And you people who spend all your lives on other people can hang it up with the smug, too.

This is not meant to be a value judgment. The simple fact of the matter is that we choose how we live our lives. Some of us decide to spend our lives inventing a pacemaker, others in rearing our children,and still others in making money.

These are all valid choices. Thing is, when you’re poly, you are adding a time-sink into your life. I’m choosing the negative expression purpose.

Lucky you, there’s an escape clause.

Poly is a time-sink unless you make conscious choices about who you have in your life.

“But!” I hear you cry, “But, Mama Java, you just don’t understaanndd! I have this lover who needs to make sure I see her for an afternoon every 3.7 days and my wife hates it when I’m away at night, so if I spend time with this other lover I have to do it this way, and it’s causing all sorts of tension if I don’t because…”

Makes you tired just thinking about it.

Back up and think a little bit. You don’t have to have people in your life that aren’t in harmony with how you’re choosing to live it. No, I’m serious.¹

Be very careful in your relationships. Make sure that they’re in harmony with how you do want to live.

I could never have a relationship, for instance, with anyone who had a problem with me taking time to write. More to the point, that person would have to be fine with me mentally checking out for months out of the year while I work on my current novel. (No, I don’t need Absolute Silence, thank God. I’m writing this in a bar drinking a cup of Irish Coffee and listening to karaoke).

But what is it you want and need in relationships and how does that relate to how you have crafted your life?

It’s not unusual for poly people to desire an greater than usual share of autonomy, ferinstance. But is that what you want? Is it in harmony with how you are crafting your life? Yes, I’m presuming you’re actually living consciously. If that isn’t a goal, these columns aren’t going to be of much use to you.

Once you know what you want and what you’re about, it becomes easier to pick and choose your relationships to match this. You’ll know that because you want to spend great swathes of time with a love that dating a musician getting a career started or a PhD candidate will be a Bad Relationship Move. If you’re really focused on your marriage and kids, maybe an LDR² with that same person might actually work out really well. It’s going to depend on how you’re choosing to live.

But, no, your time isn’t limitless. This means that you’re going to have to get your priorities straight. If you don’t, it’s almost impossible to be truly loving. You’ll twist around with what you don’t want, assume obligations you’re not comfortable with, and do all sorts of things that Just Aren’t Productive. Need I say that it’s no use at all to try to force yourself into what “should” be your priorities? Be honest with yourself, even if you think it’s icky.

You’ll be able to be more loving for it. I promise.

¹ A wise friend of mine often points out that if a cannibal can find someone who will volunteer to be killed and eaten, your own problems about finding what you want are fairly trivial in the face of that!

²Long Distance Relationship

Mama Java’s been ranting about asking for what you want and explaining why it’s important to do so lately.

Yeah, yeah, that’s all cool and groovy and evolved and shit.

What if you don’t know what you want?

Valid concern. People don’t know what they want sometimes. Or sometimes they realize what they thought they wanted was the trappings when the substance turned out to be quite different. You want sand in the gears of a relationship? This is it.

Sometimes when you are not clear on what you want, it is because you have a core value that is so deep that being conscious of it would be tantamount to a fish being conscious of water, or a toddler concentrating on the fact that he walks through air.

I got bit by this one, and it caused a lot of pain to myself and the people around me. I formed relationships that could not possibly be in harmony with this value, and worse, when I started to be conscious of it, rather like that fish having the water removed, I tried to breathe air because I “should”.

Anyone surprised to learn that it didn’t work for me? <wrygrin>

Learn from my dumb mistake and be clear and conscious of these values.

“Great!” I hear you say. “Sure, that’s wonderful! Since it took you thirty-odd years to figure it out, you’re just gonna smugly say I oughta find out without telling me how?”

I wish I could say that there is some technique or method to his. Well, there isn’t.

You see, you already know it. Right now, deep in your soul, you do know it. The problem is that you don’t want to admit it.

It’s not “cool”. What you want isn’t “evolved”. What you want isn’t part of your present life situation.

You may want monogamy, deep in your soul. Ask for it.
It may be that you’re in a polyfi situation where your heart and guts and mind scream for no rules other than the self-imposed ones. Say what is it is that causes your soul to resonate.

It’s hard to admit it, and it’s even harder to ask for it, because that sort of thing isn’t popular.

Ask for it, anyway.

I’m not blowing smoke here, or blowing sunshine up your ass. I’m here to tell you that it is a risk, and a big one. You will be rejected for it from time time, you really will. It hurts and it sucks, but do it anyway. You’ll cry and hate the rejection. It hurts. No-one likes it.

Do it, anyway. I promise you that there are people in the world in harmony with you — you personally.

And that harmony is worth it.

I used the expression in my Vetos article about the Emotional Bank Account, and would like to explore the concept a little more in depth.

The Emotional Bank Account is the level of trust you and your partner(s) have between each other. The higher the balance in the emotional bank account, the greater slack you’re willing to give (and the greater slack you’ll get, too). Think about the throes of NRE. You’re giddy. You’re excited. You’re getting a lot of emotional positives. In this stage, you tend to give a lot of slack because you’re getting a lot of positive.

Now, even though I am using something of a bookkeeping term here, I discourage actual mental accounting in relationships — i.e. “You went to six parties in the last six weeks and left me home with the kids, so now I’m owed a weekend trip to make up for it.” While yes, a good relationship might seem to have a transactional quality to it, closer examination would show that it’s more about both parties enjoying opportunities to give and allowing their partners the pleasure of giving than being minutely focused on making sure the books stay “even”.¹

So, what can you do to keep that emotional bank account balance high?

Obviously make more deposits than withdrawals. Thing is, this is subtle. Anyone who talks about the emotional bank account is quick to point out that the other person has to see what you do as a deposit. A partner who arranged for me to have a manicure, pedicure, massage and time alone with a word processor and an appletini would be making a big ole whopping deposit. Does sound like Heaven to you? Bet that at least 60% of my readers wouldn’t think so.

This means you have to know your partner, and know her down into her bones. This takes a lot of time and deep attention. If you do this right, you’re going to spend years and years in the learning process. (And that kind of commitment is often a big deposit in and of itself). There’s the big and obvious stuff — allergies, likes, dislikes, what kind of childhood he had. Then there’s the subtle stuff — the impact of one’s childhood, one’s really tender spots, the way tastes might change according to mood.

Another way you can help make deposits in the emotional bank account is to know yourself well enough to be able to give accurate information in the process. Ferinstance, I’m an introvert, right? Alone time! Wheeee!!!! But if I don’t tell a partner that I feel bad when I’m left out, I might not get invited to an event because a partner wants to be kind and offer me alone time. He couldn’t make something that I would percieve as a deposit because he didn’t have all the information!

I suppose I’m being a little obvious in also pointing out that being understanding and trying to assume benevolence on the parts of your partners is probably a good way to start. Not trying to say that motives are always benevolent. Humans are humans and yeah, sometimes we can be nasty critters. But if you’re getting to that point, sometimes the bank account is so withdrawn there’s really no point in continuing the relationship. It happens, and it’s sad. Best thing to do then is walk away and let it go.

But in a solid relationship, the partners will all be looking for ways to keep that balance in the emotional bank account high. Sometimes it can be from very frank conversation about what you’re doing.  Letting someone know you’re very invested in keeping the relationship solid (and then following through with it as best you can) can have an enormous net effect.

¹Interestingly enough, this is also being encouraged as a business model. Check out Never Eat Alone sometime. If the business success is going to the people that are better at relationships, we poly people have even more incentive to have our heads screwed on straight!

Quick quiz:

When I ask for something I ask for

1. What I think I should want.
2. What I think I can get that is closest to what I want.
3. What I want.

I chose what I should want.

Okay, sure, lots of people have done this. It’s not an unusual option when you feel guilty about what you want, or if you haven’t taken the time to explore what you do want. If you’re at this stage, it’s better not to come to the negotiating table until you do know. “I am not entirely sure what I want and need to think” is perfectly acceptable.

If you’re feeling guilty about what you do want, it might be productive to explore why this is so! But choosing to ask for what you think you should want is not being truthful. This is not conducive to a good relationship. Get centered in what you want first. Also, asking for what you should want, especially when you get a “yes” means you’re gonna get what you don’t want. Even though it’s not the other person’s fault, you might find yourself resentful at some subconscious level for not getting what you want. Do you really want to put someone you love through that? ‘Course not!

I chose to ask for what I think will get a “yes”

The flaw in this is that you’re not clearly communicating. It’s also rather subtle form of lying, because you’re not actually saying what it is you do want and are manipulating a bit.

This can come from several emotional places, but one of the more common ones is a fear of rejection. Are you afraid of rejection? If so, welcome to the club. Hell of a thing in a writer, innit? Remember that in a good relationship not all “no”s are dealbreakers. As Wayne Dyer once commented, “If you can say no in a relationship, you do not have to say no to the relationship. ”

I ask for what I want

If you do this, you’re giving the other person you’re dealing with the appropriate information. If you’re dealing with a romantic partner, you’re on the same side, right? You want your partner to have her needs fulfilled. Your partner feels the same way. If this is not the case, then you’ve got issues outside the scope of this particular article, but I assure you that asking for what you want is still the best way to go. It’s unlikely you really want relationships where none of your needs are being met, after all!

Now, have I ever been guilty of options A or B in my relationships? Oh, sweet baby Jesus, yes! To say that it did not work for me is a dramatic understatement. Part of it was an uberwant that was unvoiced, and therefore unfulfilled. I wanted some peace and quiet with a strong adjective in front of it! If you’re wanting something with a heavy emotive force, it’s something worthwhile to pay attention to, and <gasp> maybe even ask for.

Most of this advice is working from the presumption that yes, you’ve a loving relationship here. When there isn’t an emotional investment in everyone having their needs and a lot of wants met, you’re going to find that this method is going to mercilessly expose some unpleasant stuff.

Me? I think that’s good in the long run. Inauthentic relationships aren’t worth having, they’re really not. “Alone” is an order of magnitude better than “bad relationship”! Keep that in mind when you’re asking for what you want, because the only way to get good relationships is to be real about what you do want.

Greetings Misanthrope,

I have a difficult problem and I am not sure how to go about dealing with it. I live in a quad arrangement with my husband and another couple but I do not have a sexual relationship with the other husband. We are basically roommates. I do have a sexual relationship with the other wife. I thought that a little background was needed but the problem is I hate the other husbands behavior with “our” wife. He does things that I find demeaning and disrespectful, such as groping her relentlessly if he decides he’s horny, even if I am in the room and the wife and I are having a discussion. This is after she has asked him to repeatedly stop. His other offensive behaviors are of the same type. If she doesn’t stop and pay attention to him when he wants it he pouts, gropes her or finds some other way of trying to get her attention.

This behavior is driving me crazy. My question is what do I do, if a person treated my daughter or husband this way I would not hesitate to tell them to “get the hell off of them”. In this situation I am not sure how to handle it. The Wife does not stick up for herself in any way she is so passive with men it hurts me. I would love any insight you have to offer.

I suppose the quick and easy thing to say is that you’re not responsible for protecting someone else’s boundaries. *grin* Feel free to click on “boundaries” in this site and point your wife in the direction of those posts. Good boundaries are really important to being happy in your life in general — poly or not.

It is natural to feel protective of the ones we love, certainly. The thing is, your wife is not a child under your protection, but a grown woman. If someone were treating your daughter this way, it would be one thing. It is your responsibility to protect your daughter from unwanted touching and to teach her how to do that for herself. Your husband is also an adult, and therefore responsible for his own boundaries.

This is not to say you cannot give backup to the people you love. My question would be, has your wife asked for it, or are you defending her without being asked? Learn from my bitter mistakes and don’t do that. Being protective without being asked might seem noble to you. It’s actually not very respectful because what you’re really saying is that the person isn’t a full, self-responsible adult. Grownups ask for the help they need.

This letter also brings up another point. How are boundaries respected in general in your household? Have the four of you discussed this and agreed upon what you consider acceptable behavior? Have you discussed what will happen if there is unacceptable behavior?

Assertive communication is a big help here. I strongly encourage you to check out the Boundaries article on this site, as well as checking out the links on assertive communication at the end of this article. Do remember that you cannot control the behavior of another person. You can ask for what you want. You can choose not to be around someone whose behavior is unacceptable to you, but you cannot make someone change behavior.

Assertive Communication Links:

• Assertive Communication at Mentalhelp.net – The thrust of this is more for anger management, but the ideas are still very sound.
• Assertive Communication Builds Relationships — I like this one, because it explains how to avoid weaseling and using “I statements” to beat someone over the head, which is passive-aggressive at its best/worst.
• Important issues with assertiveness and listening use in the real world — This site is a bit workplace oriented, but poly families, being larger, often play out similarly.