The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Greetings Misanthrope,

I have a difficult problem and I am not sure how to go about dealing with it. I live in a quad arrangement with my husband and another couple but I do not have a sexual relationship with the other husband. We are basically roommates. I do have a sexual relationship with the other wife. I thought that a little background was needed but the problem is I hate the other husbands behavior with “our” wife. He does things that I find demeaning and disrespectful, such as groping her relentlessly if he decides he’s horny, even if I am in the room and the wife and I are having a discussion. This is after she has asked him to repeatedly stop. His other offensive behaviors are of the same type. If she doesn’t stop and pay attention to him when he wants it he pouts, gropes her or finds some other way of trying to get her attention.

This behavior is driving me crazy. My question is what do I do, if a person treated my daughter or husband this way I would not hesitate to tell them to “get the hell off of them”. In this situation I am not sure how to handle it. The Wife does not stick up for herself in any way she is so passive with men it hurts me. I would love any insight you have to offer.

I suppose the quick and easy thing to say is that you’re not responsible for protecting someone else’s boundaries. *grin* Feel free to click on “boundaries” in this site and point your wife in the direction of those posts. Good boundaries are really important to being happy in your life in general — poly or not.

It is natural to feel protective of the ones we love, certainly. The thing is, your wife is not a child under your protection, but a grown woman. If someone were treating your daughter this way, it would be one thing. It is your responsibility to protect your daughter from unwanted touching and to teach her how to do that for herself. Your husband is also an adult, and therefore responsible for his own boundaries.

This is not to say you cannot give backup to the people you love. My question would be, has your wife asked for it, or are you defending her without being asked? Learn from my bitter mistakes and don’t do that. Being protective without being asked might seem noble to you. It’s actually not very respectful because what you’re really saying is that the person isn’t a full, self-responsible adult. Grownups ask for the help they need.

This letter also brings up another point. How are boundaries respected in general in your household? Have the four of you discussed this and agreed upon what you consider acceptable behavior? Have you discussed what will happen if there is unacceptable behavior?

Assertive communication is a big help here. I strongly encourage you to check out the Boundaries article on this site, as well as checking out the links on assertive communication at the end of this article. Do remember that you cannot control the behavior of another person. You can ask for what you want. You can choose not to be around someone whose behavior is unacceptable to you, but you cannot make someone change behavior.

Assertive Communication Links:

• Assertive Communication at Mentalhelp.net – The thrust of this is more for anger management, but the ideas are still very sound.
• Assertive Communication Builds Relationships — I like this one, because it explains how to avoid weaseling and using “I statements” to beat someone over the head, which is passive-aggressive at its best/worst.
• Important issues with assertiveness and listening use in the real world — This site is a bit workplace oriented, but poly families, being larger, often play out similarly.

A problem I’ve noticed in my own life, as well as lives of many other poly people is a lack of social support.

I don’t mean that your mother doesn’t like and understand that you’re poly, though that is something of a symptom.

What I mean is that the social context where people often expect sympathy and support if often lacking in the wider community.

Let’s go with the most common one — divorce. It is not unusual for someone who is poly, especially one living in a multi-adult situation, not to get a lot of support or understanding if one of the partners moves out. Hey, you’ve got other partners, still, right?

Even if it’s not as extreme as a divorce, but is “merely” a breakup, you may not get the understanding that a monogamous person might.

There are a dozen little things you start running in to. If you find you are getting depressed and need help, you have to gather your thoughts together well enough to educate mental health workers about polyamory before you can get appropriate treatment¹. It’s very hard to listen to a counselor’s input, because sometimes a counselor might be confronting you with things you don’t want to face, and it’s really easy to blow that off as “poly prejudice”, especially if you have the slightest pig-headedness to your nature.

What kind of things help?

• “Being out” — You can’t be supportive of what you don’t know about. My co-workers knew I lived in a group marriage. When I was saving boxes to help an ex move, my co-workers treated it with the same sympathy as they would any co-worker going through a more “standard” divorce. If they hadn’t known, they would have been confronted with this nut who would tear up when she picked up a box without having the slightest idea why. And in the throes of a divorce is hardly the time to whip a little “poly education” on anyone! More importantly, because we were out, we were able to have open lines of comunication with the children’s teachers, asking them to please keep us informed of behavioral issues, etc. It was a big help! Because the people knew us and had a context on which to hang the whole idea, they got what was going on pretty well.
• Having a social circle that is not connected only with your partners — Avoid the “group hug” thing too much if you’re in a poly group situation. Yes, your family and that closeness is important, but you want to have a context in which you’re just you, not part of the Petting Zoo, or OLQ, or Our Little Tribe, or Kerista, or the Oneida Community. Your family context is important, but have an identity outside of that. If you knit and no-one else in the family does, for goodness sake, make it to your stitch-n-bitch regularly! Have an outside project, interest or activity where you hang out with people that aren’t necessarily poly.

I’m not necessarily saying to do this in case someone dies or divorces you, though. People need a wide range of contacts, family, friends and wider social networks². A social support network is as important for our needs to give as our needs to get.

I recall encountering someone commenting on being polyamorous on Usenet many years ago, saying, “I don’t have a lifestyle, I have a life!” I liked that, because I think it is all too easy for we poly to get tied up in our polyness, and especially our families if we live in multi-adult households, and lose touch with the outside world.

So, yes, have a life! It’s good for you, good for reality checks, and actually ain’t so bad to show that we polys are “real people” too!

¹Try that in the throes of a mental health crisis sometime. It’s even less fun than it sounds like!
² Yes, even we introverts need that. You’re still a monkey, even if you’re a weirdly-wired one.

I’ve gotten some pokes from various sources saying that I’ve posted a lot about what to run away from, and what to avoid, but what about turning it around?

What do you say “yes” to?

• Mutual support of each others’ goals.

It’s good to cheer on a partner’s accomplishments and it’s good to have your own applauded. Good relationships recognize the personal development of each of its members. You’ve kept the kids quiet while your partner is studying, or you’ve had a partner gallantly put on sound-cancelling earphones so that you can learn to play the violin, haven’t you? That’s good stuff. Good relationships are encouraging of growth and learning.

• Fun

Fun is sometimes underrated. A good relationship can and really ought to have an element of play to it where you’re doing nothing more useful than simple enjoyment. Play is good. You don’t have to have kids to have a squirtgun fight, and being able to lay on the grass and find shapes in the clouds with a love is a good thing.

• Feeling “heard”

When you’re confident that when you speak up, your partner will listen, it’s a very good sign, indeed. Now “listen” does not mean “will automatically do what you want”. It’s when you know that the person will try very hard to understand where you’re coming from, and is interested in your point of view.

• Feeling motivated to listen deeply

The flip side is your own willingness to return the same depth of attention to your partner. When you have a deep drive to understand that person into his bones, you’re coming from a good place.

• Celebrating individuality

A good relationship encourages you to develop yourself as a whole and complete individual. As much as you might want to be with your partner, in a good relationship, instead of feeling dependant, there will be a feeling of interdependence that comes from knowing in your bones you’re self-sufficient and are choosing the wonderful give and take of a relationship that makes being human good.

• Feeling accepted

In a good relationship, you’ll know your partner is fine with you being a geek, or an introvert, or that you’ve a constant desire for activity and company, or that you really just have to keep your cereal bowl in the fridge. You’ll feel good about accepting your partners’ quirks and eccentricities. In fact, the best relationships are the ones where you feel the most grounded in being you. In a good relationship, being fully yourself feels very good, indeed.

Poly is about relationships when it’s all said and done. While it’s much easier to list things to watch out for and run from, the sweet and subtle things to which saying “yes” is a goodness deserving a great deal of attention.

This week’s column is by guest writer, Jenny Ford.

Forget those piles of paper, bulging closets, and kitchen cabinets full of lidless plastic containers. The real stressor in life is not physical clutter, it’s emotional clutter.

Just as the physical clutter can be dealt with by a big one-off effort and a little daily maintenance, the emotional clutter doesn’t need to dominate your space, either.

What is emotional clutter?

Have you ever noticed that some people seem to have lives absolutely jam-packed with dramas? They have piles of needy friends, closets bulging with work crises, and a seemingly endless supply of angst-ridden personal conflicts.

We have a sneaking suspicion that at least some of these dramas are avoidable, or perhaps being blown out of proportion – as evidenced by our use of the term “drama queen”. to describe these people. One of my friends said that he had stopped using the term “drama queen” because it carried the connotation of femaleness, and having a drama-filled life is not a gender-specific trait. He suggested “drama capsule” as an alternative.

For me, I tend to start to categorise a person as a “drama capsule” when the drama they were dealing with at the time I met them has been replaced by several others in turn, with only small gaps or even overlaps between them.

I have distinguished two types, though many people are both at once.

Type 1 drama capsules have unconscious processes which create dramatic situations around them (for example, they are drawn to relationships with addicts or abusers, they abuse credit cards, they overcommit in high-stress jobs, they chronically cheat on their partner/s, or whatever). In those cases, the “drama situations” tend to be those which I would agree were dramatic if they happened to me (for example they wind up in hospital, in court, having panic attacks, with an STD, with their partner leaving them, etc). You could also call this type of person a “drama magnet”.

Type 2 drama capsules are people who can take relatively small bumps in the road and magnify them into prolonged, exhausting, emotional situations. You could perhaps refer to this type of person as a “drama addict”.

For example, I recently saw a situation where poly guy and poly woman got together for an evening, with the prior knowledge and consent of all partners, to explore sexual touch. Due to both individuals’ past histories, all concerned expected this would stop short of actual intercourse. In fact, through some fluke of compatibility, neither person bailed and actual intercourse occurred.

Because the intercourse was unexpected, his girlfriend very upset. She was too devastated to go to work for a couple of days, had to pull out of her uni course for the semester, and couldn’t even discuss the issue with the other woman for a month. In proportion to the triggering event, a fairly extreme emotional response.

The ultimate exhaustion arises when multiple Type 2s get together. Just about anything can be ricocheted around, escalating at every turn, with more and more hurts and upsets to be pandered to, almost indefinitely.

I think that we all have Type 2 tendencies when we are depressed, sick, tired, or otherwise stressed and resource-depleted. We can all over-react to things that would simply wash under the bridge on a better day. I wouldn’t consider someone a Type 2 unless there was a consistent, long-running pattern of it.

How To Declutter

First, look to yourself. Are you abusing drugs or alcohol, are do you have partner who is? Are you running up debts without knowing where the money will come from, or do you have a partner who is? Are you lying to your partner? Are you working (or exercising or anything else) far too many hours a week? Are you winding up in jail, in court, in hospital, or depending on the kindness of friends and relatives on a regular basis? There are organisations to help with each and every one of those drama-generating conditions. Call one. Deal with yourself.

Second, if you’re not generating dramas directly, consider the last three things which produced strong emotional stress for you. Exclude stressors which have happened to you (death of a close associate, unexpected job loss, unplanned pregnancy, moving house, etc). Include those stressors if they happened to someone else but were very emotionally stressful for you, but otherwise focus on emotionally upsetting situations you have had with other people. Write them down. Put dates next to them. If all three happened within the last three months, there is a real possibility that you have a drama addiction.

Grab a self-help book on cognitive behaviour therapy, get some counselling, and/or take up meditation. Keep reminding yourself “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff,” and “It’s All Small Stuff..”

Third, if you don’t seem to fall into either category, ask yourself whether most of the stress in your life comes from supporting your partners through their dramas. Maybe one or more of your partners is a drama capsule.

Assuming you want to maintain the relationship (a drama capsule can be very sweet , supportive and loving between crises, after all), I recommend that you get very, very good at boundaries. Go to Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or another codependency support group. Find a good self-help book on behaviour modification, co-dependency and/or boundaries. Stop rewarding your drama addict for being overwhelmed by drama. Start rewarding them for dealing with situations calmly and detachedly.

We all have times when events conspire. We all have times when we are physically run down, or sick, or under-resourced, and we over-react. Cleaning up your emotional space after those times is like cleaning up after a party – a bit of an effort, and then back to normal.

A habit of over-dramatising is like a habit of untidiness – it will take self-discipline and a long period of practice to change your ways.

But the results are worth it.

Jenny Ford has an Honours degree in Psychology and works as a business consultant and executive coach …. by day. In her other life, she is a polyamorous, bisexual community-builder and relationships coach. She has husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, three children (though the teenager could count as three all on her own), and two cats. She lives in Sydney, Australia with a subset of the above family members and is currently researching how to bend space and time so she can live with ll the people she loves in all the places they want to live without leaving Sydney. Expressions of appreciation for Jenny should take the form of Lindt chocolate balls. Bonus points if they are the black 60% cocoa ones.

Decluttering Your Emotional Space

© 2007, Jenny Ford

Used by permission, all rights reserved

The Western concept of romantic love is appalling and causes a lot of damage. There are days when I want to go back in time and kick Eleanor of Aquitaine’s ass. [1]

Here are the ideas that I see are most common, and ideas I think are about as unproductive as can be.

Love=Romantic Passion.

This idea is first because it is the absolute worst. Do I enjoy romantic passion? C’mon, I’m polyamorous. Of course I do! The crucial thing to remember is that obsessive passion simply is not love. It’s a chemical reaction. Is it fun? Sure. But it’s as addictive as caffeine, cocaine or any other stimulant you might care to think of. Basing a life decision on it is foolish. And have I been such a fool? Of course I have! Haven’t we all? Love, real love, has almost nothing to do with either emotion or chemicals. And for all that the whole polyamorous “It’s not about the sex” mantra frustrates the living soul out of me, there is one thing that is correct: love is not about sex.

Love as defined as romantic passion is forever, and if it goes away, then it must be that it was not True Love.

No. I sometimes wonder if when in the initial throes of romantic passion if love is even possible. You see, one of the issues of romantic passion is a perceived dissolution of ego boundaries. You’ve probably all heard the phrase “I and my beloved are one.” The thing is, that when the chemicals that cause romantic passion go away, the ego boundaries snap back into place. Lotta people don’t like when this happens and will often go rushing off for the new high – that new feeling of “oneness”, without stopping to examine what the natural stages of a mature relationship are or can grow into.

The person to person adult love is only possible in a “self” to “self” – a relationship in which you no longer have that addictive need for your partner. If you’re addicted to the romantic high, you’ve actually objectified your partner and turned him/her into a commodity. Can you love (as in have a personal relationship with) coffee or cocaine? No, but you might find the withdrawal unpleasant when you cannot get it. “It” is the operative word here. You love people. Once you turn that person into an “it” or a thing, love isn’t even possible.[2]

I am not at all trying to assert that you must be unemotional and passionless to love. In a healthy, fulfilling person to person adult relationship, there will be play, laughter, tears, snuggling, lovemaking and all those things that humans do to be close. Anyone who has had a long term relationship of the sort I am describing will still feel warmed by a particular look in his partner’s eyes, will still find the warmth of his touch exciting – all of that I’m certainly not saying that you shouldn’t care whether or not you keep the relationship. Of course you care! That’s the point! It’s just that the ego boundaries will be firmly in place, you each will respect and even honor each others’ individuality, and you’re not panicked at losing your “fix”. You won’t panic if something happens and the relationship goes away.

Romantic Passion is a good basis for choosing life partners.

Choosing a romantic partner whose values are very different from your own is going to make for a bad life partnership. Now I want to differentiate between values and tastes. If you like free-form jazz and your partner prefers baroque, or you like Indian cuisine and your partner prefers steak and potatos, it a matter of taste, not values. I also want to make it clear that when I say values, I do not necessarily mean “morality.” There are people whose personal values are such that they set their careers above all else in their lives. This is neither moral nor immoral, but a matter of what that person… values. Values can include morality, of course. My values are such that I would not be able to have a successful relationship with a serial killer.

A successful life partnership will be with someone whose values are similar to yours. Note that I said “similar”, because after all, love occurs between individuals. Individuals will have differences. If you could quantify it (which you really cannot, other than a very rough approximation), you might want to say that you don’t want more than a 15% variation from your own values. Any more than that, and that relationship will really only feel good as long as the chemistry lasts.

Interestingly enough, when the idea of courtly love as we know it started, it was never intended to be a life partnership such as a marriage. By its very nature, it was supposed to be adulterous, and having nothing to do with the duties and obligations attendant upon the noble[3] marriage relationship. Even in the stories of Guinevere and Lancelot, the whole thing fell apart when they attempted to move in together.

Okay, so here I go on about what ain’t love. So what is love?

In spite of my deep love of the book Stranger in a Strange Land, I have to admit that Jubal Harshaw’s definition, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of the other person is essential to your own” is a bit off base. You see, I could love someone who has a mental illness such as depression, and while loving that person deeply, might still be happy myself.

I like M. Scott Peck’s version a lot better — “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Do notice that the way Peck expressed that. He did not say “oneself”. He said, “one’s self”. This is an important distinction. Selfhood, individuality and self-ownership are very important to the exercise of (if you will excuse the expression) true love. You cannot love someone else until you have a fairly solid sense of your own self.

Love is also a choice. This is where it differs quite a bit from romantic passion. Have any of you fallen hard for someone you wish you hadn’t? (I have in the past). But when it’s love, when you’re there willing to extend yourself for that person’s spiritual growth, you find yourself making conscious choices. You also find yourself setting personal boundaries such that you’re in a position to be more capable of investing yourself in another’s personal growth as needed. As the other person decides he needs you, and you decide you can give, mindja. I don’t suppose anyone who has read my stuff thinks I’m into that “for your own good” nonsense in an adult relationship.

[1] Eleanor of Aquitaine was one of the principal architects of the whole “Courtly Love” tradition, from which we Westerner have drawn many of our ideas of love and romance. In fact the word “romance” itself comes from the narrative poems about chivalric heroes and their ladies.

[2] “And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.” Granny Weatherwax in Carpe Jugulum, by Terry Pratchett. (And you can stop that damned eyerolling. Pratchett is a very wise man, and the character of Esme Weatherwax is actually a pretty loving person).

[3] As in social class nobility. Peasants didn’t have time for all that stuff.

I wanna talk a bit about vetos.

I don’t like ‘em – not one tiny little bit. I don’t like the ramifications of a veto. There is an implication of ownership overlaid with a serious lack of trust. No, don’t whine at me about this. If you need a veto, there is a desire to protect yourself. This isn’t meant to activate some macho thing. You know, “I don’t need to protect myself!” Sometimes you do, and there’s no use at all in fooling yourself about it.

My concern with the veto power is that I think it actually promotes a lack of trust between partners. To me a veto says, “I don’t really trust your judgment, and I feel fairly sure that at some point, if you meet someone <more attractive><more intelligent><better in bed><name your insecurity>, and you will <leave me><screw me over><take your pick of your personal relationship “disaster”>.”

A veto also says, “I need something with more ‘firepower’ than merely asking for what I want.”

If that’s the way you feel, and feel it strongly enough to want yes or no say over someone else’s choices, is that relationship really a good idea for you? I mean seriously, think about it a minute.

Have I ever felt the need for a veto? Yep, sure did. And I took away from that experience that a desire for a veto is a big ole waving red flag that the particular relationship was Not Healthy for Mama Java, and I need to examine stuff really closely.

Now, I know how stuff like this can be twisted, so don’t take this article as an excuse to beat someone over the head, saying, “If you want a veto you don’t trust me. If you really love and trust me, you won’t even ask for such a thing!” If you get asked for a veto, it’s time for some introspection. Your partner knows you¹. If you habitually lie, your partner knows it. If it is your habit to get obsessed and disregard agreements, your partner knows this. If you do not ask for what you want, but what you think you can “get away with”, your partner knows this, too.

Now look me in the eye and say, “But he should just trust me!” I’ll laugh my ass off, I will!

I suppose what it really boils down to is the emotional bank account. The emotional bank account is the amount of trust that has been built up in the relationship. Is it high? If it’s not, I am strongly of the opinion that polyamory with veto conditions is not the way to make those deposits. The very need for vetos means that the emotional bank account with your partner is not very high. You need to work on other things. The very veto agreement will prey on your mind – a constant reminder of the difficulties in the relationship.

This is not to say that I think boundaries in relationships are not needed. Of course I don’t think that! Agreements are important. Mutual understanding is very important. But the very concept of the veto is inherently false, as it says, “I get a say in what you do.” You don’t. You get to ask, but you don’t have the power to choose for someone else, so why pretend?

I think it’s important to keep things rooted in reality. In reality, if you’re edgy about someone’s new interest, you can ask for what you want and set your boundaries² for what’s okay. It’s also fine to point out things that might concern you because you’re concerned about someone you love being hurt. That’s different from saying, “No, you can’t.” and is a lot more respectful of your partner’s boundaries.

¹If you don’t feel like your partner knows you really well, you are a fucking idiot for even considering handing that person a veto. Sorry. I can’t sugarcoat that. It’s shooting yourself in the balls.

²Remember when you set your boundaries that this can only be done when you’re very clear on your locus of control. Don’t mix it up with what is genuinely not under your control!

This isn’t part of the article, but when I noticed the date it was going out, something in my own life hit me, so I have to say this. If you love someone, tell them. Love is a pretty simple and basic thing, and it doesn’t necessarily mean “I want to have your babies” or “I want a lifetime commitment.” It can be a lot simpler than that. I’m talking about friends and family just as much as any romantic relationship you have. Love is love! But…

Don’t let the opportunity pass. You never know if you might lose it. When the chance is gone, it’s gone forever. I know this sounds awful fluffybunny, but love ain’t fluffy and it is important.

When you’re poly and partnered, sometimes the partner has a date, and for whatever reason you’re “stuck” home.

How do you treat this time? Bitch, moan, put your hair in curlers and wear your granny housecoat?¹

Don’t.

Whether or not you are finding you might want to negotiate or renegotiate time agreements, now is not the time to let your morale slide. I wrote an article a couple of years ago about how you are your own primary. I stand by that as firmly as ever, and think a date with yourself is always a good thing.

So, let’s say you decide that yes, you do deserve a date with yourself. You do, by the way, honest, you really do. Never forget that. Where to start?

I encourage anyone home with small kids to figure out a way — a small and not too difficult way, to do something small and special with them. My parents were monogamous, but my father had to travel on business from time to time. My mother really disliked it when my father was away, but Mom was smart and did her best not to mope. We might have “breakfast for dinner” in our jammies, or would use the good china in the dining room by candlelight, instead of eating in the kitchen — just something little and different, but with a sense of “special” so we wouldn’t be missing Daddy too badly and bedtime routines would go smoothly without him. If you have kids, this isn’t a bad idea when your partner is out on a date.

Once your kids are in bed, and you’re free for your self indulgent night, the first thing you want to do is stuff all the clutter out of sight in whatever room you’re going to be using.² I give my own bedroom more of a boudoir feel because it means there is little preparation involved for the self indulgence.

You might want to consider an actual Home Alone Indulgence Kit.

Your kit and mine are going to be different. I have a very femme d’une certaine age (since I am) slant to mine.

The Goddess of Java’s Kit:

• Nice Lounge Wear — silky jammies. I’m also making myself a couple of hostess gowns and a kimono and haori. Never underestimate the power of elegant, comfortable loungewear.
• Bath Scents – I start out any self-indulgent evening with a nice bath.
• Incense – It’s a good idea to make sure the scent doesn’t clash with the bath scents!
• Candles – I prefer neutral or non-scented if I am going to use the incense
• Manicure kit with parafin dip – manicures always make me feel very pampered and as part of my grooming for my evening, I’ll usually give myself one.
• Something to make a nice drink, and a good glass/cup to drink it out of — Yes, I have some nice china, but you can get some pretty good stemware at the local dollar store. I am very fond of my $1 cocktail glasses. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but something “special” is important.
• Some suitable music – this can depend, but it’s usually either Baroque or some really sexy music. Voodoo Chile by Jimi Hendrix is a favorite.

I find it well neigh impossible to feel sorry for myself or down with a fresh manicure, a nice bone china cup full of Jasmine tea, sitting in a candlelit room and listening to Voodoo Chile in silky loungewear. It Just Can’t Be Done.

This is my way of savoring my time. I’m sure there are men reading this feel like it’s a Bit Too Girly. Well, I’ve had macho male partners that liked candlelit baths as much as ever I did, so I can promise you it won’t kill your masculinity to try it. But, maybe it’s not your thing. What is yours? Do you have something creative you like to do? (By the way, some of these articles are written after the bath, manicure, martini, et al.) I find creativity a wonderful way to celebrate the self. What about food? Is there a meal you love that your partner does not? Now is the time to enjoy it. Don’t neglect presentation, even if you’re eating alone. Are there movies you love that your partner doesn’t? Hey, guess what you can do? This is the time to watch that appallingly stupid comedy your wife can’t stand!

Whatever you do, make an “event” of it. If you’re happy with how things are going with you and your partner, this will reinforce the happiness. If you’re not happy with how things are going, this gets your morale up and allows you to address the issue from a place where you’re valuing yourself deeply, you’re calmer and clear-headed enough to discuss matters lovingly and effectively.

Either way, you’re taking responsibility for yourself, your happiness and your time and savoring life.

¹Or the male version… Or even granny coat and curlers if you are male, but if you’re doing that, I’m presuming a fetish and that you’re probably not really all that unhappy indulging it.
²And if you have a regular problem with clutter, check out Flylady. No, she’s not poly and she’s an incredibly “traditional” wife, but her system is very good, indeed.

Do you have Rules for Dating?

If you don’t, you should. Yes, I know, “should” is bad and evil and I’m stomping all over boundaries to tell you that you should be doing anything.

Feh. I suck, I know.

Okay…

You might find it helpful to write yourself a series of dating rules. (Better?) I certainly have found it helpful and useful in my own life! If you’re writing it to yourself, you can pretty much make it as funny/harsh/sentimental as you like. It’s important to write it in a way that suits you and illustrates your personal principles. I wrote mine as “one of those letters you’d never send, in response to a Worst Case Scenario that thankfully hasn’t happened (at least, not all at once to me. After eleven years of reading people bitch on poly discussion groups, though, I’ve seen all of them happen at one time or another to someone else.)

Being newly single and have been around the lighthouse more than once in the stormy seas of Romance as that so elusive of creatures, the single, polyamorous Hot Bi Babe, I have come up with these Rules.

1. On a date, I wish to enjoy social company and have a good time. My only interest in dating is laughter, pleasant conversation, fun (for whatever value of “fun” upon which we mutually agree) and good will. If that’s what you want, we’ll have a delightful time when we meet.
2. I am not a therapist. If the date startes to feel like a therapy session, there won’t be any more.
3. I am not dating you to get a mentor. You like being The Wise One? Then be wise and don’t try it. If I decide that your advice on matters would be helpful, I’ll ask. Trust me, I’m an information junkie, and not shy about it. However, if you give me unsolicited advice on things outside your real, live areas of expertise, it makes you look like a damn’ fool, and yes, I am snickering at you behind that smile and comment of “You might have a point.”
4. For partnered dates: If I find out I am the first person either of you have dated outside the relationship, there will be no more dates. “Practice” polyamory on someone else. Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds like I’m rolling my eyes and saying “been there, done that”. Well, dammit, I have. Fire’s hot, and if you put your hand over a candle flame, it burns. Just sayin’.
5. If I am expected to make the couple a package deal, there will be no further dates. I deal with people on an individual basis only. If there is an individual attraction between your partner and me, we’ll work it out on our own. We’re mature adults. Your help is not needed. Honest. Even if we’re both “just women”.
6. If any single date is interrupted for an emergency, my warning system goes on. If a second emergency happens in less than 5 subsequent meetings, there will be no more dates. No, I don’t care if you’ve “had a run of bad luck”. (This rule will be suspended for the professional activities of on-call medical personnel, sysadmins and the like. I’m talking more about drama from home).
7. On the flip side, I don’t want to date people that don’t take previous commitments into account before making new ones. If you’ve got a sick child, and your partner is starting to get sick, call me to cancel and stay home. If you’ll blow off one person for new and shiny, you’ll blow me off for new and shiny down the road. (I generally expect that eventually I’ll be treated as you treat the “old” partner, and buddy, you’d better believe I’m watching carefully. I do not have the necessary vanity to think I am somehow “different” as I have never seen an exception to this rule).
8. No, I won’t collaborate on a book with you unless you’re hiring me outright, or are an established author with a specific project and pitch ready that you’ve discussed with your publisher or agent. If you have an “idea”, get out your butt glue and develop it. Trust me, you really don’t need me for this. (This one has happened to me. One would think I would not have to put this on the list, but I’ve had several guys think I’ll be impressed by “ideas” that seem to be Ian Flemming knock offs. The first time it happened, I was surprised. The second, dismayed. The third, depressed…)
9. I don’t do threesomes any more. You may ask. If you try to argue me out of my answer, there will be no more dates. In fact, attempts to tell me why I shouldn’t think/feel the way I do will result in me walking away laughing.
10. Just because I usually phrase it as “No, thank you” rather than merely “No” doesn’t mean that it’s not as serious. I have no qualms about punctuating it. I just prefer dignity first. If you do, too, we’re all good.
11. Grand Unification Theories about relationships do not interest me, and attempts to bring me into a social engineering projects will result in me walking, too. I’m enough of an amateur sociologist to know they can get really nasty. You will be assessed even more negatively if you’re “writing a book” about it, unless it’s your real, live professional field. I work in academia and I know what questions to ask, so trying to fake it will make you look like a jackass.
12. More than one panicked phone call after my early bedtime with severe emotional issues gets a hangup and there will be no more dates. I make really dumb decisions when I’m not sleeping enough and neither of us will like it. Trust me on this one.
13. I am not looking for another parent for my children. No, not even you. Make friends with them if you meet them and want to make friends. That’s fine. My kids have plenty of parents thankssomuch!
14. I am enjoying the freedom of being single. I’m not looking to move in with anyone. If my living arrangements change, it will be to a household where I am the sole adult. No, you’re not the exception. Not even if you’re a millionaire Tyr Anasazi look/sound-alike with a cunnilingus fetish who thinks reading aloud is one of Life’s Great Pleasures, is just pantingly eager to fund a poly activism organization, and has a thing for short, “ample” chicks with big blue eyes¹. I’m not kidding. I most certainly don’t want to move in with you, take care of your kids, contribute to the household budget, be a buffer between you and your spouse, and clean your house. (This is mostly for the blissfully rare jerks who want a “junior wife”).
15. Evil Ex stories=no more dates. I have exes, too. If everything had been blissful and wonderful, they wouldn’t *be* exes, now would they? You’re a self-deluding fool if you think your Evil Ex doesn’t have an opinion about you that’s just as unflattering. In the game of Romance, there are no innocents. We all know breakups suck and hurt a whole bunch. If you can’t own up and be a grownup about it to a virtual stranger, I don’t wanna know you. Vent to your intimates. If you don’t have any, I really don’t want to date you. If I actually become an intimate, I’ll listen to stories of your past, but by then I bloody well hope you’ve got some perspective on your past.
16. I understand if this seems too hardassed. Feel free to flee! If you’re still attracted, I’m already in love…(Well, no, but mightly impressed…)

Your rules will be different from mine, of course. We’re different people, and we have different buttons, issues and what have you. I’ve put my own out there² because I want to point out that thinking about such things are useful. It’s important to know where your lines are, why, and what you want.

It helps guard against what I shall name the “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” syndrome. (If you’ve never read the book, do. It’s a children’s book, will take you three minutes, and it’s hilarious). If someone asks you for a little favor, you’ll do it, right? Well, who wouldn’t? We all like to be nice.³

If you haven’t outlined what you’re about, what you want, what you’re okay with and what you’re not, it’s entirely possible to find yourself having said “yes” to something, over time with little bits, concessions, favors and whatnot, to something you would never have said “yes” to if asked for all at once. You wake up to what you’ve said yes to over time, find yourself pissed, your partner is shocked that you’re so upset at such a little thing, and it can all blow up.

Think in advance.

Embrace the inner hardass and write yourself your personal rules.

¹But if you are, I’d like to meet you. For purely scientific purposes, of course!

² Ensuring that no-one is ever, ever going to want to date me after reading that. Please applaud my generosity and sacrfice to the poly community. I’ve ensured it will be my only solace, after all. <sniff> I do it all for you^*…

³ Yeah, I know, I call myself a misanthrope. Shaddup…

^*And we “Relationship Experts” (BWHAHAHAHAHA!) call this Emotional Blackmail. It’s supposed to be something to be wary of.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050430.html

I want to thank a recent reader of the PolyFamilies site for the idea for this column. I’ve been a bit blocked for a month or so, trying to come up with something good to write, and this was an excellent topic!

Every now and then I get letters from people who are not poly, but are close to someone who is — family member, close friend, something like that. Most of the time when I get a letter, it is from someone who has done some research on the topic and clearly wants to be as supportive as they can be. This can be hard, especially because it is often such a new idea, or it seems to them that their friend/family member is behaving oddly .

Chances are good that you found out about your loved on being poly because they were involved with someone besides who you thought was their “one and only” love. Wham! There you are being blindsided, going, “Now what the hell is this nutcase up to?”

And you think I’m gonna scoldja for thinking something so unsupportive, right?

Nope.

It’s a totally valid question and it’s okay to ask yourself. Not sayin’ you should start calling your loved one a nutcase or anything, but when someone close to you that you love does something strange, asking yourself questions to try to explore what’s up is a good thing.

The real problem is that most poly people, because they know polyamory to be a somewhat touchy subject, will often wind up waiting to “come out” until it’s so blasted obvious no-one could miss it. They’re often in the throes of a new relationship and are totally ga-ga over this new person (in the poly community, we call this New Relationship Energy or NRE), and often want everyone else around them to be so happy for them and the new love they’ve found. Not that wanting one’s loved ones to share on one’s happiness is exactly a negative thing, but there you are, confused. Hesitant.

Here’s some things to keep in mind:

• Polyamory is not about cheating.

  You’ll find some of the harshest critics you’ve ever seen of having affairs in the polyamorous community. (I’m usually first in line with this one. <grin> If someone says they’re poly, but to keep it under your hat about the other relationship because the spouse doesn’t know, you’re dealing with a cheating situation, not a poly one.

• If offered an opportunity to get to know a new love, take it!

  I’m not saying you have to become bestest friends with this new love. I am saying that because your friend or loved one is heavily involved with more than one person, it’s a good idea, if invited, to get to know all the loves. They’re a big parts of your loved one’s life. You cannot form opinions in a vacuum, and the more facts the better!

• It’s okay to call bullshit

  I am not saying that it’s okay to close your mind, say polyamory is all wrong and your friend is being an idiot. ‘Kay? What I am saying is that it’s okay to say, “Well, Mary, I’ve met your love. He claims to be a wealthy day-trader, but he’s said some things that indicate to me that he doesn’t even know what a ticker symbol is, and he drives a 1993 Pontiac Sunbird. I think he’s not being truthful here.” Love is love, honesty is honesty and being poly doesn’t change all standards of behavior.

• It’s okay to ask questions.

  You may tread on ground that your friend thinks is none of your business, mind. It’s an intimate subject. (For instance, I am unlikely to answer if someone asks me specifics about what I do in bed with a specific person!) But it’s still okay to ask . “How does your wife feel about this?” is a totally valid question, and so is, “How are you going to handle things with the kids?” Now, a caveat: Don’t confuse asking a legitimate question because you want information with trying to use questions to beat someone over the head because you don’t like what they’re doing. There’s a difference and it’s important to be conscious of it.

• Your friend/loved one may feel a little defensive.

  The simple fact of the matter is that we are often treated a little harshly. I’ve been called names on occasion and don’t always get much respect for my non-legal relationships. It’s such new territory for many people! Not only is there going to be a lot of communication, restructuring and negotiation going on within the romantic relationships, he’s also going to be dealing with the changes that this information is going to bring in his relationship with you ! It’s a lot to handle and is sometimes a little overwhelming.

• Love is always a good place to start.

  Love ain’t just about sex and romance. I’m presuming that you love your friend/family member here. In your interaction and communication, keep that in mind.

I’ve been asked what the ettiquite is for interacting with a poly person and dealing with their relationships. Well, there isn’t any. Miss Manners just hasn’t written anything about it. However, showing good manners (as opposed to a strict aherence to ettiquite) and being gracious is always a good place to start.

For you poly people who are coming out? Be understanding, okay? This is new to your friends/family. They’re just not going to grok everything right away. You know how you feel, but you do look like some kinky freak on the surface. Be gentle and understanding and let people beneath the surface.

And learn from my mistake. Don’t try to shove your otherloves down your friends’ and family’s throat! Sure, if you have otherloves living with you, you can expect your guests to be polite. That’s reasonable. But give it time when it comes to acceptance. We know how we feel about our otherloves, but you’re jumping completely out of a societal paradigm, and you can’t just say, “Look, I have two wives and I expect you to internalize that.” Let your actions prove your statements and let things flow from there.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050319.html

So, what if you’re already in a relationship and want to convince a spouse/partner to try polyamory?

As I have stated before, I am not particularly sympathetic to cheating . I frequently have conversations with people who say that they have this compelling need to love more than one person, but that a mate would not understand. Being somewhat naive, I do not think that they are loving anyone if the motive is to “turn” someone poly or to obtain absolution for cheating. I strongly suggest that if you want to try poly and are considering cheating – don’t. Trust me on this one. Keep your zipper up or your panties on and show a little self control. Keep that burning cauldron of passion under wraps until you straighten things out. You’ll be glad you did.

Basically, if you want to go poly and you are in a committed relationship, you have three honorable options. First, you can discuss it with your mate and hope like all get out you get at least a moderately affirmative answer. You can discuss it with your mate, get a negative answer and stay in the monogamous relationship or you can discuss it with your mate, get a negative answer and opt to leave the relationship.

Obviously, this is fraught with a great amount of emotional turmoil. There are plenty of people, maybe even most that would agree to poly to keep a beloved mate. How much do you love your mate? Can you live with forcing that kind of choice on him? I have seen the effects of this choice. About half the time, it works out fairly well. The other half tends to range from nightmare to hell. I wish I could say otherwise, I really do.

Your mate is going to have to know in his heart that she is loved. Your actions must speak very loudly on the fact that you love your mate and will devote a great deal of attention to the original relationship. If you behave in this way, you will be coming from the right emotional place where it has the greatest chance of working. This is something that you learn, by the way. It takes constant effort. Love is powerful, but to be truly, honestly loving requires a lot of self-discipline – more than you’re likely to have at the moment . That’s okay, too. The important thing is to work on it, and develop it day by day. It’s not something you’ll acquire overnight, after all. Be forgiving with yourself without giving yourself permission to slack about it.

I don’t mean to sound too pessimistic here. In fact, I know a couple rather intimately who started monogamous and decided to be poly. It has worked quite well for them. Just remember that it does take work on everyone’s part.

The first thing to do when attempting to bring up polyamory is to follow through on this as best you can. Your partner will see your actions. This is important, as it is likely that any words that indicate a desire to open the relationship are going to be scary to your partner. How could they not be? Let’s face it, our society is into the whole “one true love” idea — the perfect love, the perfect bliss, the ideal soulmate. Reality check: Your partner’s breath is going to smell bad in the morning. Your lactose intolerance is still going to create situations in which your partner needs a gas mask after a pizza. The electric bill still needs to be paid and if you don’t put away your laundry, it is still going to get wrinkled. This is not going to change because you’re in love. That perfect state of giggly bliss is wonderful and will come back from time to time in relationships, but it is not a constant.

Unfortunately, many polyamorous people are hooked on that newly in love feeling. That’s no great surprise, of course. It does feel really good. Friends, it’s not meant to last. It’s meant to get you to bond with someone while being able to overlook that fact, that yes, this person, too, gets eye boogers. It’s not a sign that you have found The One Who Will Make You Happy For The Rest of Your Life.

I am, honest to God, not against romance. I like it very much. I merely want it understood that romance is no more indicative of love than blue eyes is indicative of high blood pressure.

The reason I am cautioning so strongly against this is that it is so very easy to get swept up in the feelings of being newly in love. If you are not presently in a relationship and you find someone, it’s no big deal if you let yourself get all giddy. It is quite a different matter if you are already in a relationship.

Your partner is just as much of a member of your culture as you are. You partner has heard the One True Love fairy tales, might believe on some level that you can only be in love with one person and has seen how you act when you fall in love. Remember when you fell in love with your partner? Your partner probably does. People do crazy things when they fall in love. Your partner knows and remembers this. Certainly, he remembers the time you left school to marry him, dumped an old boyfriend to be with him, switched careers to be able to be close to him, or even ignored some of your own goals to support him while he tried to get a writing career started? She remembers you going into debt to buy her jewelry that you really couldn’t afford and neglecting to pay the rent. She remembers you blowing off your friends to be with her.

Your partner probably isn’t stupid. If you bring up the idea of opening up a relationship, all these things are going to come tumbling out. Don’t do a whole lot of verbal reassurance here. Yes, you need to express your thoughts, but do not go overboard. Make absolutely certain that any actions you take will match your words.

The big issue here is trust. You have to let your actions show the love you profess.

By the way, polyamory is not going to fix a failing relationship. It will mercilessly expose the cracks in your present relationship. So, before you go looking for other partners, do yourself a favor. Get your present relationship straightened out. Are you communicating? Are you listening? Do you know your partner down into her bones? Do you know his dreams? Do you know his fears? Get your relationship between the two of you straightened out first, then go to work on expanding the relationship.

Frankly, I do think for poly to work, you really do have to have a “tell the truth and shame the devil” attitude. I know from experience that the natural inclination is to make sure you only reveal what you think will keep relationships going – whether from pride, or because you feel a partner may not accept an emotion or an opinion, or whatever. It’ll only turn around and bite you, so don’t bother. If you’re comfortable and happy with something, say so. If you’re uncomfortable and unhappy with something, say so. Don’t beat around the bush. Not letting your partner have all the information isn’t actually loving – especially assuming your partner cares deeply for you and your feelings.

When you do this, you might want to consider some ground rules for opening up the relationship. Yeah, I know this is totally contradictory to the whole free love thing, but when the Sixties ended I was still in diapers and when I came of age, AIDS was a tragic reality. More than feelings get hurt when you screw up these days.

These are some ground rules that I have seen people set up in opening their relationships:

1. I must meet your new partner
2. I want Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights to be mine no matter what.
3. I want, if you take a lover, for that person to be lovers with us both.
4. I don’t want to meet or know your new lovers.
5. We agree always to use safer sex practices.
6. I must approve your new partner.
7. I don’t want any rules at all.
8. We will not have sex with other partners in our own bed.
9. We will not have sex with other partners in each others’ hearing.
10. We will only have sex with other partners if both are present.
11. We will reserve specific sex acts/recreational activities only for each other.
12. I want to be considered your primary partner, and all other lovers to be secondary.
13. I want all partners in our various relationships to be considered equally.
14. I want to have other partners, but I do not want you to.
15. You must give any potential lovers full disclosure of what a relationship with you entails, before you become lovers preferably, and this means telling them about all other SO’s, and that your other partners will know about them, and would like to meet them and hopefully become friends and if that is not acceptable then no dice.
16. Don’t lie to significant others.
17. Don’t fall in love with anyone but me.

Obviously, not all of the rules I have seen are compatible with each other. I’m not going to suggest specific ground rules for you and your partner, other than the fact I do think you should decide between yourselves what they should be. Both of you should feel comfortable with them and agree to them freely. The “freely” part is important. You want everyone in the relationship to feel comfortable. Railroad someone into poly and you will have an explosion on your hands. I guarantee it. Even the most submissive of doormats has a breaking point. Show this to your partner and tell her I said that you’re not allowed to try to intimidate her into going poly.

As I will reiterate until you want to scream, communication is essential. A salesperson I know once commented, “If you do not ask, you do not give them the opportunity to say yes.” I’ve always liked that sentiment.

One thing I do recommend, and this is from the experience of observation, is a “speak now or forever hold your peace” rule. I have seen many relationships in which a couple opened up, one of the spouses got involved with someone, then the husband or wife pulls a switch after some weeks or months, telling their spouse that they have to break it off with the new love. I think this is a bad idea.

This does not mean that once your husband has given approval, you can run off, spend 75% percent of your time with your new love and ignore your husband, and he can’t say a word about it. I am not giving blanket permission for people to be self-centered jerks here. Remember, polyamory. Love. That kind of behavior is not at all loving.

What I am saying is: Do not give your approval unless you are very, very sure. Remember, once someone you love gets involved with someone else, there are more people’s feelings involved. If your husband gets involved with someone else, he and his new partner are (hopefully) going to love each other, too. It’s not very nice to permit such a relationship to get started, then jerk the rug out.

There are people who make as a ground rule that the established relationship must come first and that all other relationships are secondary to that. While I am not really big into hierarchy, you are a couple living together, you might find it easier to designate primary and secondary relationships in order to make sure that everyone’s needs are properly taken care of. This is completely up to you and will vary from relationship to relationship. There is no One Right Way to do this, other than making sure everyone is freely agreeing to what is going on.

So, if this still sounds like a good thing, go find your partner and communicate, communicate, communicate!