The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050122.html

I am desperately worried for the poly community. We’re supposed to be this group of people dedicated to love.

And yet –

I see more pain, heartache, broken dreams, cruelty and what have you going on in the poly community. It’s drama, miscommunication, expectations…

I’ve mentioned this, with a certain level of despair and a sense of “losing the faith”, to some poly people before and had always gotten the response, “Yes, but aren’t monogamous people the same in their relationships?”

Honesty forces me to agree. I don’t know that I can blame it entirely on poly. It’s just that we increase the issues exponentially by having more relationships.

I do blame it on a lack of love. I blame it on a lack of maturity (I don’t spare myself). I blame it on rushing into relationships before you’re secure in yourself. I blame it on the biological clock! After all, the urge to procreate will take over a lot of stuff. Our culture is such that we’ve no maturity at all until well into our thirties or forties (though I’m betting when I’m in my fifties I’m gonna laugh at who I was in my thirties and forties, too!). But our ideal childbearing years are a good fifteen to twenty years younger than that. To me, it seems like biology is driving us to choose mates long before we’re settled in ourselves and what have you to be able to be independent, loving people. By the way, this goes for the childfree, too. While you might not want kids, your body is still programmed to mate.

I guess I’m increasingly of the opinion that a lot of we people who charge into poly (and I’ve never actually HAD a monogamous relationship) or relationships at all are guilty of the most astounding arrogance and self-deception about our genuine limits.

In fact, in discussing this with the Goddess of Giggle, she commented that what she sees is a newness to polyamory. In a lot of ways, we haven’t found our feet yet. People who go poly often overload on the relationships like a kid in a candy store, who’ve never been able to have as much candy as they wanted. They’ll stuff themselves sick until they calm down and realize that too much candy will actually result in sugar highs and painful stomach aches.

The thing is, in relationships, the stakes are higher. We ain’t talkin’ tummy aches here! We’re talking hearts — hearts that are human and can hurt. We only have so much time in the day, and many of us overextend ourselves way the hell too much. We’re adults here. We have our commitments, our children, our jobs, our educations, you name it. Those things take time. So do relationships, after all, and while it’s a hell of an ego boo to have someone interested in you, a person’s heart is more important than your damned ego (or mine. I’ve done it, okay. If I’m bitching about something, I’m prolly guilty of the same thing, ‘kay, unless I specifically state I’ve never done such a thing).

I wish I could offer a better solution than, “Get your shit together, you nitwit!” (This is not from a high horse, here. I’m in the same boat and have to do the same things).

But I really do think we as polyamorous people have much higher stakes in our relationships and it behooves us to work a lot harder on getting ourselves together to a place where we can be truly loving human beings. Leaving behind a trail of broken hearts, broken dreams, broken relationships and pain is not the way someone whose goal is to be a loving person has any business behaving. If you can’t do that yet? Well, you might want to consider if poly is really the way for you to be the best human being you can be.

Yet.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050108.html

Quick, name your primary!

Did you name your spouse? A live-in lover? Someone you don’t live with that you are deeply in love with?

What about yourself?

No, I’m dead serious. You are the only person that you’re sure as shit to live with the rest of your life. Anything else is pretty much up in the air due to choice, fate, or accident.

That being the case, it’s behooves you to make sure your relationship with your primary is in good order.

Now, this is not to say that it’s a bad idea to love your loves with as deep and as strong a passion as is in you. In fact, if you really do love your primary, and keep your relationship with yourself in order, you’re going to find that it’s much easier to be truly loving to other people.

See, it takes a lot of the risk out of it.

I strongly recommend seeing if you can lay your hands on Open Marriage , by Nena and George O’Neil. It’s an old book and it can feel a little dated, but the premise is superb. The basic premise is that it’s really not a good idea for a married couple to be joined at the hip and see themselves as a single unit, but as individual people choosing to have a relationship together.

Now, this is a serious change from my own previous viewpoint. For years, I did think that the “all for one, and one for all” attitude made for the ideal marriage.

I still have a rash from the chafing!

Now, if there’s anything that is core to me, it’s that if experience whacks me on the nose, I change my opinion. <grin> Yes, it takes experience to do it. You can’t tell me anything! But, yes, I can learn.

So, what does being your own primary entail?

Well, first of all being able to and willing to attend to your own wants and needs and all that happy horseshit. To be your own primary means that you’ll be responsible for meeting your own needs. You don’t hang that on anyone else. I mean, if someone wants to be involved and that, great! But you don’t need it to be able to be fulfilled.

Do you have a social circle that does not depend on any of your loves? Do you have interests that you share as well as interests you don’t? Are you confident that if something happened and you found yourself alone you could still build a good, healthy and happy life? If not? Don’t feel bad about it. Our culture is not geared to training people to be that self-sufficient. So, don’t feel bad. But do work on it.

For some people, and I’ll include myself, a very freeing thing is to know that you can support yourself financially if necessary. This means that you’re not scared. You know you can take care of yourself. If you have never kept the books, or held a full-time job (yes, there are still housewives out there who haven’t set foot in the outside workplace for years ! I was one of them for many years), learned to drive or maintain a car or do basic home maintenance, or any of the random daily stuff — learn. This goes for people who’ve held full-time jobs, but don’t know how to cook, do laundry without ruining their clothes or stuff like that, too. It might mean that you go to school to pick up a marketable skill. It might be making sure you’re keeping up on marketable skills. It might mean taking over housework chores you don’t ordinarily do as part of self training. But do what it takes.

This is going to open up your heart to be able to have much greater intimacy with your partners. It’s a lot easier to be loving when you’re not scared of loss. You’ll be able to give your partner freedom without being threatened. You won’t say yes to things that make you resentful. You’ll find it easier and less threatening to say yes to your partner’s wants and needs. You’ll be able to forge an excellent relationship between two (or more) independent and strong people, and yes, you’ll find it immensely fulfilling to have those relationships. You just won’t be dependant on them. This is not to say you’ll be tepid about relationships or not care. I mean, if I lost a partner would it hurt and totally suck? Ummm…

Yeah!

It would suck big twinkie.

But, the one primary I will always have, and the one that it is my total responsibility it is to take care of is me. That’s one thing I cannot ever lose.

It’s a good and fairly relaxed place to be.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041225.html

Well, honestly? I think a lot of people who complain about not having any holiday spirit do so because they don’t feel that they’re festive enough, rather than accepting whatever level of festiveness they happen to feel at the moment. I mean, you’re not going to feel wonderful just because it happens to be a holiday.  — Me, in a conversation with a close friend

Mama Java, she loves Christmas. A lot. It’s her birthday, and she was named for it, after all.

Now, I’ve known a lot of people who don’t like the holiday season. In spite of my own love of it, I can understand. Christmas, by its name, is considered a Christian holiday, and the non-Christians often feel overshadowed. They don’t get the day off for Solstice, or they feel sick of the manger scenes, their religion doesn’t necessarily have all that big of a winter festival, the menorah lights have been cold for days, or the family gathering where they’re getting picked on for their religion. That’s no picnic.

Then there’s the commercialism, the pressure to buy and buy and buy, and the wondering how you’re going to afford all this, the fear that you’re going to leave someone important out on your gift list. You feel guilty if you get your kids too little; feel guilty if you give your kids too much stuff. You get loaded down with knickknacks that mean nothing to you.

Then there’s the hectic schedule — the holiday concerts and parties and visits to and from relatives. Relatives. There’s a can of worms all in and of itself! You feel guilty if you don’t go to see people you’re related to. You feel guilty if you do go and aren’t thrilled.

It can be a real mess.^*

I really do think that we often (myself included) miss the real meaning of the season — no matter your religion or lack thereof.

I have always thought of Christmas as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

– Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Do we always do this? Of course not. We’re human beings and we’re not perfect. But to me, the holiday season, what with the light coming back at Solstice, the anticipation of a rebirth and renewal of spirit is a time to remember and recommit to open the heart, to honor the ties we value, and to be open to what really matters in life — the love that we do hold for people in our lives.

What are some things one can do to honor the actual spirit of this time of the year?

• Don’t try to have “the perfect holiday”.

  Poly families are notoriously blended families. You know, you may have had a certain ornament you just had to hang in a certain place and if you didn’t, you feel like the holiday is spoiled, but your partners probably did not grow up with this specific tradition. Don’t be too focused on How the Holiday Should Be. Be open to celebrating in different ways.

• Let go of holiday guilt

  Maybe you don’t have much money, and aren’t going to be able to buy much. Maybe you’re going through a bad time personally. You don’t have to make that gingerbread train with the hand made candy lake, ice skaters and train station. If you’re in the mood, great. If not, don’t feel guilty.

• Don’t let the joy of the holiday be dependant on how other people act

There’s not a thing wrong with lighting a candle and mediating on the season, or playing a meaningful game with the kids (and letting go of the expectation of whether or not they’re going to have bright, shining innocent faces, or if they’re going to be whiny, sugar-hyper little brats), playing an album that means a lot to you (by the way Christmas Eve and Other Stories is flat out my favorite seasonal album. ROCKS, ROCKS, I tell you!), or anything special that doesn’t require a lot of externals. For me, at least, the thing that matters most is what is in the heart. Don’t let your Holiday happiness rely on whether or not Uncle Jim gets drunk like he does every damned year and starts getting obnoxious.

• If you’re feeling Scroogish, let go of any guilt about it.

If it just isn’t your thing, it isn’t. That’s okay.

In the end, it’s not about religion, it’s not about money. It’s the heart. It’s always the heart and the joy and celebration of life and light and birth and love.

In the words of The Ghost of Christmas Present:

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041211.html

“Don’t do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.” -- Henry Rollins

Moderation is not and never has been my best friend. I like it hot or cold. Lukewarm? Forget it. When I get into something, I charge in, sword waving, chewing on my shield, face painted blue and screaming, eating brains… <blush> Well figuratively speaking, anyway.

There is this little thing called balance, however. What about balance?

Balance is not about doing something half-heartedly. It’s not about moderation, either. It really is about doing something with your whole heart and soul. If you’ve ever been a surfer, gymnast, martial artist, or dancer you know that. If you don’t focus on what you’re doing with all your heart and soul, you lose your balance and you fall. You fall hard.

While the need for balance is hardly a poly specific issue, the simple fact of the matter is that as you complicate relationships, balance becomes more and more necessary.

“So what is balance and how do I get it?” I hear you plead with a puppy-like whine in your voice.

Balance is simply a matter of being effective in what you do. Life is going to throw you a variety of experience, after all ­ especially if you are poly! To attain true balance in your life, you all really do need to focus and do what you’re doing with a whole heart. When you’re at work, you’re focused on your work. When you’re at home and with your loves, you’re not thinking about work, you’re focused on your loves. When you’re playing with your kids, you’re not thinking about the bills. When you’re doing the bills, you’re not thinking about that hot date last weekend.

This takes a lot of practice. In our society, we tend to admire multitasking. While there’s genuinely nothing wrong with analyzing a problem while doing the dishes, or any other routine task, relationships are not routine tasks by any stretch of the imagination. They require focus. They require you to pay attention when you’re interacting.

But…

What they don’t require is your full attention and focus when you’re not interacting or planning. When you’re with your husband, don’t be focused on your boyfriend, and vice versa. It’s a sure way to throw a monkey wrench in both relationships, and it’s no way to be balanced in how you interact with your loves.

That’s where the balance comes in ­ not leaning left when you need to lean right, making all those little adjustments and shifts of focus as you go through your life.

Balance is NOT spending an exactly equal amount of times with each of your loves. (God forbid. I’ve been involved with extroverts from time to time. If they tried to spend as much time with me as they did with each other, I’d freak). It is about the focus required to find out what their needs are, and the focus required of you to find out what needs you want to meet. It’s about knowing your own needs and finding out ways to meet them.

It’s about being a whole person. Notice I’ve mentioned several non-relationship issues here in this column. While yes, I’m poly, I have a job, I have kids, and I have non-relationship-centered interests and passions. It’s important to focus on them wholeheartedly when I schedule time to pursue them, just as it is with relationships.

But no, you don’t have to be a moderate person to have balance.

In fact, I’m out of woad and need to go make up some more blue paint.

Toodles for a couple of weeks!

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041113.html

Mama Java, she said that if one more person wrote her bragged about getting a score of ten on the Group Marriage Quiz , she was gonna rant about it in her column.

Well, one more person did, darn it.

No, I’m not going to rip anyone apart with sarcasm. Well, not much anyway. Hey, I did refrain from titling the column “You’re all Fucking Idiots!”, right? Oh… no credit for that. Ah well, life goes on.

While I don’t want to rip anyone up for their reaction to the quiz, I do want to discuss it because the implications disturb me a bit. First and foremost, the quiz is a joke , people! My wife and I wrote it to amuse ourselves and be totally absurd one afternoon when we had gotten a little too punchy. We thought it was obvious it was a joke and have been astonished over the past four years how often people have taken the quiz seriously.

A low score is not a good test of your relationships skills. Many of the first choices are extremely passive, many are either aggressive or passive aggressive and there are few examples of true assertive communication in the whole quiz. Many of the questions don’t have a truly assertive answer.

So,, little poly chilluns, today we’re going to focus a little on communication styles.

First, is passive communication. I hardly call this communication at all because you’re not speaking up . In passive communication, there is a tendency to put other people before yourself, or let others make decisions for you. The problem with this is that you’re not going to get your wants/needs met except occasionally by accident. It screws with your self-esteem, and often encourages depression. Examples of the passive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Sandwich preference: I have a preference for mayo or mustard. In the example, not you did not say so .
• Re: The spouse that is a reteller: Smile quietly to yourself and entertain yourself by trying to spot changes in the story that make it more dramatic than the last time. You’re not expressing that you really don’t like retelling
• Re: Cooking dinner when you don’t want to: Cook anyway. Everyone has to do things they don’t like to from time to time, and it’s important for everyone to pull his own weight. You’re not expressing your wants/needs
• Re: Watching Austin Powers: Tolerate it. You get to be with your spice, and it’s family time, after all. You’re not expressing that you don’t like the movie. It’s not that tolerating something you don’t like is a bad thing, mind. It’s not expressing your wants/needs that is often counter-productive.

Next, let’s take a look at aggressive communication. Sometimes it is confused with assertiveness, which it is not. Aggressive communication has a sense of blame or sense of manipulation that true assertive communication does not have. In aggressive communication, you’re getting your wants/needs met at the expense of others. It’s a good way to lose relationships, as people don’t like to stick around people who aren’t willing to negotiate. If you’re being aggressive, it is not unusual that you’ll feel weak or taken advantage of internally, ’cause you’re on your guard so much. It can create a cycle of hostility: Examples of the aggressive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Spouse being called into work unexpectedly: Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insist that the spouse not show, blatantly state that the spouse being passive aggressive and really doesn’t want to spend time with the rest of the family, then cancel the outing and spend the entire day fussing at your other spice for the working one’s behavior. If they really loved you and considered the family important, they would have joined you in insisting that the working spouse stay home. Notice there is blame and accusation as well as demands that your wants/needs be met without being willing to discuss the wants/needs of the others.
• Re: The scratch on the car: Call the spouse an idiot, insist that said spouse get a part time job to afford to have the entire car repainted and refuse to allow your spouse within fifty feet of the car. Again, aggressive. The tone is accusatory, and you’re demanding a certain form of behavior and trying to intimidate the person into doing as you want.
• Re: The Reteller: Demand to know if said spouse is capable of saying anything original. Start keeping a database of each instance in which a story is retold and present the tabluated results to your spouse on a regular basis with demands of why you married such an idiot. Again, you’re demanding, accusing and trying to intimidate into getting the behavior you want.

So. Passive-aggressive..

This is probably one of the bigger relationship bogeymen — mostly because it combines the worst of the passive and the aggressive. It’s not unusual to be passive and stuff your feelings ’till you blow, taking your anger out on yourself or others. It’ll screw with your self-esteem, and really screws with learning communication skills. This is a hard one because it’s probably one of the more difficult ones to face in yourself — well, at least I find it hard to face, because it seems so manipulative and weak to me. I don’t like to look at myself that way at all… However, facing what is and avoiding self-blame is a good start to changing what you don’t like, right? Examples of the passive-aggressive style of communication from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: The Sandwich: I have a preference for mayo or mustard and will go hungry rather than eat the wrong spread. This is a guilt tactic, which is often a sign that passive-aggressive communication is at work. Notice you aren’t saying that you have a strong preference, and that in going hungry, there’s a good chance that someone around you is going to feel bad about it.
• Re: The lack of towels in the bathroom: Note that you happen to be sleeping with the person who is most likely to commit a Towel Offense, re-wash your hands in very COLD water, neglect to shake off excess drops and climb into bed being sure to put your hands in a sensitive but non-erogenous spot. When the spouse awakes, give sarcastic thanks for hanging up the towel. Sarcasm is a hallmark of passive-aggressive communication. Notice also the attempt to cause discomfort. Punishing is also often a passive-aggressive technique.
• Re: Spouse being called in to work: Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insinuate without quite saying so that the spouse is being passive aggressive and really doesn’t want to spend time with the rest of the family, then go on the outing and sulk the entire time. Sulking is another punishing behavior. This one earns several passive-aggressive points because of the indirect communication involved combined with other behaviors!
• In the answers section: If you scored: 10 — I can only assume you are a John Norman fan and aspire to be a Kajira. Email me. I might have a position for you. This is extremely passive-aggressive. It’s a subtle insult (a kajira is a slave in the Gor stories, and is supposed to be passive and obedient in her behavior – something that is not desirable in a non-BDSM 24/7 relationship). It’s also a trap to encourage the person without all the information to contact me without giving all the information, thereby increasing the possibility of punishing behavior when it gets explained. Hey, I write about my faults, too…

So, what with all the stuff that is not productive communication, what is ? How about trying assertiveness? In assertive communication you are honest and direct about what you want, while not blaming. You state how you see the situation, and how you feel about is and ask for what you want/need. Ask , not demand and not insist! You will respect the rights and feelings of others, and it will have a positive effect on most relationships. (Now, if the other person is not willing to join you in assertive communication, it might be productive to examine whether or not the relationship really works for you!). Examples of the assertive style of communication (yes, there are a couple) from the Group Marriage Quiz include:

• Re: Sleeping arrangements: Politely ask that the sleeping arrangements be reconsidered. You’re asking for what you want. Now, ideally, explaining how you feel is a good idea here, but this is assertive. You’re paying attention to your wants/needs and speaking up in a way that shows you’re willing to negotiate, while trying to be polite to minimize hurt feelings.
• Re: Cooking Dinner: Ask if anyone is willing to be sous-chef and help out. Dinner will be done faster and won’t be as much work. We’ll presume for this example you don’t want to cook dinner because it’s feeling overwhelming. You ask for what you want/need (help).
• Re: Spice spending too much time on the Internet: Ask for a specific time limit. You want to spend time with your spice. You want to spend more time with your spice. You recognize that they want to spend time online, so you’re consider the rights/wants/feelings of the other person, so you ask

A lot of people have trouble with assertive communication because they don’t want to take the risk. You do risk being told no from time to time. You’re not always going to get what you want. But, by using assertive communication, you will not only increase the chances of getting what you want/need, you will also be promoting closeness by minimizing the chances of resentment, anger, upset and hostility. No-one is perfectly assertive all the time (goodness knows I am not), but it’s a good skill to practice to promote good relationships!

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041030.html

I remember one night, after Atlas was published, she [Ayn Rand] was sitting on the sofa, crying, protesting the state of the world and her place in it, and then she said how much she would hate for John Galt to see her this way, how much she would hate for him to see her miserable or in tears. I said, “Why? Wasn’t this part of the battle? Wasn’t feeling like hell and then picking yourself up and carrying on part of what made the struggle heroic? What was there to be ashamed of? Why did one have to pretend that there were never moments of utter despair? Wasn’t the challenge to experience them, own them, admit them, without denial or pretense ‹ and then go on fighting?” I said we should be proudly willing to let people see us in our darkest moments because in the end it was not going to be our darkest moments that would define us.

– Nathaniel Branden

Don’tcha love my titles.

So, why does it suck to be poly?

Okay, at first I have to come out. Yes, yes, you already know I’m poly, you might know I’m bi.

There’s something else about me I don’t talk about much. I’m not ashamed of it, mind you, but it’s not something I tend to broadcast. At least, until today.

I’m bipolar, and am what is so quaintly called “non-compliant” about medication. (Possibly “stiff-necked pain in the ass” would be a closer description, but I’ve not heard a clinical professional use the expression). Yes, that’s right, you’ve been taking advice from a crazy person. Please, no mental illness advocates lecture me on using negative imagery about mental illness, ‘kay? I know the list of famous and productive bipolars as well as you do. It’s a pain in the ass, but no, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a good life. Hear that, little poly chilluns? You can have overwhelming challenges and have a good life. LOL. Sometimes I even remember that.

But sometimes I don’t.

That’s when the problem comes in. You see, when you’re really down, you need to get help. Sometimes, you let it go too far and you wind up in the emergency room. For the record, no, I didn’t make an attempt to kill myself. I was watching myself rationalize that in the long run it wouldn’t hurt my family as badly as dealing with my fucked up self. I know how dangerous that is. I also know the statistics on suicide risk for children of suicides. I’m a mother. I don’t want to put that kind of burden on my kids, even if I am nuts. I checked myself in rather than do something I was really going to regret if I survived. (My best friend for many years was a critical care nurse. I’ve heard one to many horror stories of failed suicide attempts to want to deal with that).

So here I am in the emergency room. Were the staff kind and understanding? Yes. VERY much so. I was treated kindly and with dignity, and I very much appreciate that. It helped. A lot!

But –

They didn’t know about polyamory. So, here I am trying to explain what’s going on in my life, and without the context of polyamory, it’s going to be impossible to understand! They’re not going to be able to help but so much, nor are they going to have any real perspective.

I’m a poly advocate. I spend a lot of time on polyamory, analyzing family structures, thinking about what works and what doesn’t, writing about it, talking about it. So, I have all this stuff organized in my head. Do you think that a suicidally depressed person who knows she’s not thinking clearly is gonna be a good person to be educating a psychological professional about her lifestyle in the throes of a crisis? (Hollow laugh).

As is my wont, I started thinking about my own experiences in terms of the poly community at large. I know for a fact I’m not the only poly person who has gotten depressed and landed in an emergency room. I tried to imagine not have at least some of a rote speech about the subject memorized. I tried to imagine that I was not an advocate ¨ that polyamory as a theory just didn’t take UP that much of my thought process because I was busy having a life with my loves. (Not that I don’t, mind, but my career is the poly community when it comes down to it). But say I were a waitress or an engineer or a computer programmer or a lawyer? In a crisis situation, would that person be able to explain his life in such a way as to get help that would actually be useful.

Possibly. But maybe not.

Frankly, I think it would be better if a person who needed psychological help did not have to routinely explain her lifestyle (I had to do it five times in the course of about 24 hours). So, do I have a proposal for a solution?

<GRIN> Why yes. (Is anyone surprised?)

I’m putting together a pamphlet with the help of some other poly activists and psychologists — yes, I’ll announce it! When it comes out, it’ll be in PDF format and free for the download to print up and distribute. Me? I think it needs to go to medical schools, departments of psychology in colleges, hospital psychology departments, and therapists’ offices. If you wanna do a little poly activism that will do a lot of good and not take much time, this would be a quick-n-easy thing to do.

Updates as they happen.

In the meantime, you might want to check out “What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory”. It’s quite good and can be very helpful. It’s not a pamphlet that one can get out there in an emergency, and is much more suited to long term therapy. I like it a lot.

Originally posted at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041023.html

I’ve run across a few items in discussion lists lately where people who are experimenting with polyamory have been bemoaning the fact that they can’t “get with the program”, or that they can’t get rid of jealousy, resentment or what have you.

Now, I will be the first to tell someone that resentment, jealousy and such are things you do not want to hold on to. You want to get to the bottom of your feelings, find out why you feel what you do and get rid of it, get over it — do what you have to to deal. Resentment will eat your soul alive and turn you into a very bitter and twisted person. I seriously doubt most people want that for themselves. Jealousy is a sign that something’s amiss and it’s important to get to the bottom of this. Now, understand I am not saying this as someone who never feels either jealous or resentful, or has overcome the problem. I struggle with both on a regular basis in many areas of my life. Neither emotion, by the way, is limited to romantic relationships. In fact, if you have a problem with either, I would say that it’s quite likely these things spill over into other aspects of your life.

As you explore what you’re feeling and why, one very valid and important question to ask yourself is, “Is polyamory really for me?”

It might be. It might not. Things may be changing in you, too. I can recall a time when I was completely cool with casual, light relationships. I enjoyed them and found them fulfilling. As my tastes changed, I recognized I needed to choose relationships that were in harmony with my new tastes. If I didn’t, it could make me unhappy. No biggie. Just choice.

Some questions you might want to ask yourself in trying to decide if polyamory is really for you:

• Why do I want this?

  What do you hope to get out of polyamory? Are you doing it because you’re in love with someone and are afraid you’ll lose him? Are you doing it because you feel it’s “enlightened” somehow? (It’s not. Poly people have about the same general range of enlightenment as the rest of the general population). Do you think that you’ll be happiest either being romantically involved or having the freedom to be romantically involved with more than one person? Are you doing it because your partner has asked for this and you’re happy and relaxed about her being happy? If you’re doing it out of a positive feeling rather than out of fear, you’re more likely to be making a happy choice for yourself.

• If I have worries and fears, why do I want to overcome them?

  Do I feel like my worries and fears are illogical? Do I feel that overcoming these will improve my relationships (the answer here is “yes”, by the way, even if you don’t choose a poly relationship!). Do I actually feel the fears are valid and I’m trying to keep a relationship together that shouldn’t be?

Mostly I am putting this out here because I am worried about people going through contortions to try to “make” themselves do something that is not happy and fulfilling. The choice to be open to polyamorous relationships is such an individual thing, after all. There’s really no value judgment either way, in my own humble opinion.

There’s a flip side to this. Your partner might find polyamory the way that makes her most happy and fulfilled. Then you’re coming up against some hard choices. I know of one couple pretty well where the husband is poly and the wife is not. They’re both happy and relaxed about it. She’s perfectly happy with him forming other relationships, trusts him to be there for her when she needs him and and vice versa. She doesn’t seek other relationships — just not where she’s at. I will note that it seems to work best if the monogamous partner is a very independent person.

If it turns out that your objections to polyamory are because you’d find it difficult for your partner to be forming other relationships, and your partner will be happiest and most fulfilled forming other relationships, then yes, you have a problem. I wish I could give you a pat answer to this one. Unfortunately, there isn’t one. There are a lot of factors to be weighed. How important is it to both of you to continue the relationship — to what lengths are both of you willing to go to do so? As you explore this, the answer will become clearer.

Some people will decide that they want to make themselves as okay as they can be with polyamory to try to preserve the relationship. Sometimes, this works out well, and sometimes it really blows up. Because relationships are such individual things, it’s hard to predict. The only thing that I can really offer here is to own your own feelings and such as your own responsibility and hang on hard to the fact that ultimately, your life is in your own hands — happy or sad, your life is your own to mold, and your happiness is completely in your own hands.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040828.html

“My wife is cool with me getting involved with you, she just doesn’t want to know about it.”

Let’s assume that the person in question here is telling the flat out truth - that he has negotiated that muddy line of polyamory, the Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell relationship.

So, is the DADT relationship polyamory?

That’s an interesting question.   And one I couldn’t care less whether or not ever gets answered definitively.   I am far more interested in whether or not it is ethical.

I have to say that it is ethical - under certain very specific circumstances.

I am one who would be unlikely to get involved in a DADT relationship.   It takes a very long time for me to feel easy in relationships, and I have a strong preference to know my partner’s partners - even become friends with them if that is possible.

But even so, my personal tastes are hardly moral absolutes.  If you follow these guidelines, such a relationship is ethical:

• You must state your intent clearly.

  “Honey, I would like to form sexual relationships with other people, are you okay with that?”

• You must get a yes .

  Nothing less than a direct affirmative is honest here.   No eyerolls, no shrugs and statements of “I don’t care” accompanied by body language that says by God they do, too care! What you want is a direct, “Yes, I am fine with that.  You may have other romantic/sexual relationships, but please do not tell me about them.”

The problem is, of course, that far, far too many people who simply do not understand the nature of love like to play with this one.   You will hear claims along the lines of, “I love my husband and if I wanted to sleep with other men, it would hurt him, so I will not tell him.   This is a loving thing I do.   We have a don’t ask don’t tell arrangement.”

Bull.

You do not have an arrangement of any sort! This is cheating.   You cannot hide behind it, you cannot disguise it.   If you wanna come clean and try polyamory, you might want to check out From Cheating to Polyamory .   But don’t fool yourself.   If you have not specifically negotiated, you’re cheating!

Yes, it’s a bit of a peeve of mine that people try to hide their cheating behind a guise of polyamory.

Problems for the DADT relationship can come in various flavors.   There are people who will agree to it because they don’t like the idea of their partners being involved with other people, and just don’t want to know.   While this can work, the partner who is having other relationships has a serious burden.   You probably will wind up taking nearly all the steps you’d take to cover up an affair.  That can be a real emotional drain.

A member of the PolyFamilies email list commented this to me once:

I just had a thought, don’t know if it might be helpful to you, but maybe the difference between DADT and it’s cousin, “cheating” is that with DADT, if my husband does find out inadvertently, there’s not gonna be a fight or a separation or whatever. Just his hurt feelings and my trying to reassure him that I truly do love him, probably for a really long time. No threat, I guess. Whereas, when I’ve cheated before, it was with a pretty clear understanding that getting caught was considered grounds for ending the relationship by my partner, and/or getting the shit beat out of myself. Maybe when you meet someone who claims to have DADT, you should ask what will happen if the one who doesn’t ask finds out by accident. If it involves lawyers, guns, and money - it’s probably cheating.

I don’t actually consider a truly negotiated DADT relationship a cousin to cheating at all, though.   It’s a legitimately-negotiated agreement.   My own personal tastes and preferences in relationships would call for a great deal more openness and knowledge about my love’s life than that, but…

No, it’s not unethical in the least.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040814.html

If you’re poly, one of the things you sometimes deal with is doing what you can to help people feel comfortable in multiple relationships. Sometimes, one person or another feels insecure… It happens, and doesn’t have to be a huge hairy deal.

One of the things that can help is the “little things”. These are the, “I’m thinking about you and care about you” gestures.

What brings it to mind is my own life. I have a boyfriend who… Well, the man is an extrovert the likes of which God has never seen. He’s got a lot of people in his life, and I don’t just mean sexual relationships, but many, many friendships and responsibilities that take his time and energy. I am quite introverted, so am the opposite, for the most part, and I tend to channel my interests and relationships into fewer areas/people than he does. It could cause a woman to wonder, “How much do I really mean to him?”

Except for the little things.

We work near each other. This morning, as I was making coffee (hey, Superman was a mild-mannered reporter. I can be a mild-mannered secretary, right?), he shows up in my office to give me a hug and a kiss. A totally simple gesture - he didn’t spend more than three minutes at my office. But, it meant a great deal.

We do things like this in our relationships all the time. The thing is to make sure that it’s an individual thing. These “little things” vary from person to person. I like having doors opened for me, and chairs held for me and all the courtly little things. There are people that do not. I have a love that really enjoys it when I curl on up a cushion at his feet and rest my head on his knee when he’s sitting in a chair. I have another love who would find that gesture uncomfortable. It’s a matter of really getting to know your loves and what makes them feel loved.

So, why do these little gestures mean so much?

They prove you’re doing something very important - paying attention to the person you love. It means that you’ve taken the time to learn what little things mean something and that you’ve taken the time to do it.

A book I highly recommend is 1001 Ways To Be Romantic, by Gregory Godek. Mr. Godek goes into detail about the individuality of making the little gestures and gives a lot of ideas. (It does seem to be a bit flowers and chocolate oriented, mind, but the part about paying attention to your love and what pleases your love is a good one).

So what sorts of things make good “little gestures”? (These are a list of random things that friends and loves like. Remember what I said about this being pretty individual. Paying attention is tantamount).

• Saying “I love you”. Hey, short and obvious!
• Footrubs
• Kissing a love on the back of the neck as you walk by and he’s bent over a video game
• Bringing a love a cup of coffee or tea in the morning
• Love notes left in odd places
• Love notes in general. Ain’t email grand?
• Little trinkets that might have individual meaning between you and a love

This isn’t and shouldn’t be a mechanical thing. I am loathe to give out a lot of examples, because it is individual and unique to every person. The important part is to let your loves know in small ways from time to time that you are thinking about them - letting them know you care.

Originally posted on

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040619.html

NRE is a term that was invented, I believe, by someone in the San Francisco Bay area polyamory community to describe that “newly in love” feeling in a way that did not imply “one true love”. NRE stands for New Relationship Energy. You know the feeling — you’re light as a feather, walking on air… You know, just completely twitterpated.

It’s a fun feeling, isn’t it? Heaven knows I like it — being in the throes of it and all as I write this.

However, among responsible polys, you’ll often hear things like, “I’m in love….” <big sigh> “*Dammit!* ” Or “Yeah, I’m twitterpated, dammit!” or “Yeah, it’s NRE, dammit!” A good friend of mine and I have sent each other into hysterical laughter with this exact expression.

Why the “dammit!”? I mean, c’mon, being poly means you’re free to fall in love, experience all that the world has to offer, share your soul with the most wonderful people, right?

Well, yeah, it does, you can, and it’s often great. I mean, really wonderful. But, there’s a problem involved in that. You see, if you’re poly and in the throes of twitterpation, there’s a fair chance you’ve already got an old relationship that needs maintenance. That means, nope, nope, nope, you really cannot focus all that much on the new relationship because you’ve got a commitment to the old one.

For me, it feels rather like I have two brains. There’s the core me, the brain that loves her family, wants to be a good parent, wants to maintain all her relationships, fulfill her commitments, and all that. That’s at my soul and heart level of my desires.

Then there’s my “ferret brain”. This is the part that is caught up in the wonderful new poingy shininess of the new relationship. (This is not meant to trivialize the deep love one can feel in the new relationship, but my word can the intensity of emotion be a bit much!). The ferret brain will breathe a scent and think of a new love. The ferret brain has a hard time balancing the checkbook. The ferret brain will explain to you why it’s okay to sleep less than five hours a night just so you can spend lots of time with new loves.

I am here, in the throes of ferret shock to tell you that no, the poingy shininess of the new relationship is no damned excuse to be an asshole.

I’m not saying not to enjoy the new relationship. I mean, for goodness sake, why bother with poly if you’re not going to enjoy it? I’m saying, force yourself to have a sense of proportion about it. It’s a serious balancing act.

Now I don’t know what contortions other people go through about this but let Mama Java give you a lil peek into her world at the present time. ^*

I live in a quad. That’s three spice. I have two children. I have a full time job. I attend martial arts classes at least twice a week. I have a new boyfriend over whom I am twitterpated to the point of insanity. My wife is graduating from college, my son is turning nine, and I am working on getting together a Con for the PolyFamilies mailing list.

Can you say busy?

Remember where my brain is. New boyfriend — snuggly, delightful conversationalist, sexy as all hell, just love love love to spend time with him and look into his eyes and whisper naughty comments in his ear and be alone with him and…

<ahem> Sorry, I’m supposed to be writing an article now, aren’t I?

You need coping mechanisms for this.

This is what I do. Not sayin’ you have to handle things in the same way, but this is working for me — so far: