I got so many thoughtful and interesting answers to last week’s question, I just had to roll with it again. Thanks for everyone who answered.
For those of you who are poly and have had children born into your poly circles, I’m wondering how it affected you? What changes did you see in your poly lives? Were they the same changes as the ones you anticipated or were you blindsided?
The Polyamorous Misanthrope was supposed to be a weekly column.
It was for awhile and then I started drying up for topics. Why? Well, as I study polyamory, I see more and more that the advice I give, the lessons I’ve learned and the observations I make are less about having good multiple relationships and more about having good relationships in general. Believe it or not, how people interact has less to do with the slippery bits and considerably more to do with what goes on between the ears.
I’ve said for years that there’s very little about being polyamorous that’s truly poly-specific. The website about poly families was a lot more about household management, and my advice here is a lot more about maintaining good relationship boundaries than almost anything else.
I think the reason for this is because we often give sex and romance an inappropriate focus. Please note I’m not calling sex and romance unimportant. It’s not. But we do give it a weird place in our lives and I think it causes a lot of trouble. We might use romantic relationships as a ranking system. We often use sex or romance as a proxy for something else — usually actual intimacy. And again when I look at this to analyze it, I can’t say that it’s polyamory-specific.
It makes being topic-specific difficult. The same communication principles that make my romantic life joyful interaction rather than unpleasant drama are principles that help my parenting, for goodness sake! They’re the same principles that let me have a decent relationship with my own parents.
That being the case, yes, I can write about a topic and hook it onto a romantic situation, but it’s just as likely to float through my mind because of the way my son responded to a request to empty the dishwasher, or how I’m encouraging him to speak up when he feels uncomfortable with something.
I want the columns I write to be useful in relationships, but useful relationship examples are hardly ever unique to polyamory.
Okay, either you’re single or you’ve got your primary relationship solid. You’re centered in loving each other, you’re communicating great. Now, you’d like to meet poly people and form some more fantastic relationships.
SCREECH!
How?
That’s going to depend on a lot of things. Where you do you live? Off the top of my head, if you live in Portland, San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, Los Angeles, or Tampa, you’re in luck. All of these places have well-established polyamory communities, and I can vouch at least one or two of the people in each city are moderately sane and have been poly long enough to have grown a grain of sense 1.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t live in any of those cities. In fact, I live in a little town that has considerably fewer than 15,000 people. Believe it or not, one can still meet poly people in such circumstances. I can, do and have.
The Internet is a big boon here. Sure, there are dating sites. I’m not even going to discourage them. OkCupid and PolyMatchmaker are both poly friendly and in the interests of disclosure, I’ve met someone on a dating site before. It worked out nicely.
Even so, don’t be so damn goal-oriented all the bloody time! I understand being goal oriented. You want to try this new and wonderful lifestyle, and let’s be frank, some hot sex would be just awfully cool. Not running it down. Sex is great. New partners are all kinds of shiny and relationships are fun, goodness knows.
But, mostly you’re not going to find good relationships playing the numbers game on poly online boards with a relationship scattershot. You’ll probably get laid with this strategy, but if that’s mostly what you’re looking for, a sex club might be better. Again, not running that down! I’m not of the “Swinger is superior to poly” school of thought by any means. I am concerned with making sure you know what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for sex, yeah, a sex club is a dandy idea. Go for it, enjoy.
If you’re looking for relationships, then you’re looking for things in addition to the sex. That means you’re looking, I hope, for people to do stuff with. I think what really works better in the long run is the most banal and obvious advice you’ll ever hear. Go outside and make friends. Oh sure, use the Internet as a tool to meet people of similar interests! But after that, go out to lunch with people, host parties, go to parties, organize discussions groups, get involved with stuff you like to do. Yeah, you’ll have to take some initiative and get your butt away from the computer and facing the scawwy outside, but trust me, it can be fun!
Yahoogroups has many local polyamory discussion groups where people meet up in real life. Meetup is another option. If no local poly group exists in your area, you might want to consider starting one. There are a lot of groups and resources that exist today because someone was looking for one, but didn’t find anything.
In addition to this, if you’re going to go to online discussion groups to look for partners, be careful. Many of them are communities where people know each other, share expereinces and hang out (virtually and otherwise). Going in and announcing who you are and what sort of partner(s) you’re looking for would be about as well-received and effective as going to a neighborhood party and doing the same thing in meatspace. You’ll look uncouth and probably are not going to find what you’re looking for. A good way to find out the timbre of a group is to read through the archieve for awhile if the group has them or to lurk for a week or two to see what you’re dealing with.
But, when it comes down to it, the way to find partners is to meet people. So, quit reading this and go meet people!
Be good until next week,
Mama Java
I mentioned in last week’s column that there are legitimate reasons why one might want to keep one’s romantic life quite private. A poly person in the military or any other profession where witchhunts for sexual deviance are likely is probably either gonna want to change careers and be out or keep her mouth shut about it.
I have stated before that I think it’s safer for the poly family to make sure they live somewhere where nothing they’re doing is illegal and to be “out”1. I stand by that. Notice, I say that I think it’s safer. Not more moral. Not more noble. Not “better”. I personally think that transparency is safer in the long run.
But, ya know, that’s easy for me to say. It really is. My financial status is enhanced by being a weirdo and being quirky. I have no exes who would care to try to draw me into a lawsuit or custody battle. I’m not important enough to “go after”. I’ve made some very specific and solid choices in my life to ensure that this is so. Now, if we have A Handmaid’s Tale style government takeover, I will be considerably less safe and I know it. But given our present circumstances, I’ve made choices that make it pretty safe for me to be a weirdo publicly.
Those choices aren’t noble. I think that’s really what I want to get across. They’re just choices with a price just like any other choice people make. Other people might choose not to be out about poly. Those choices are just as valid and no less noble that one’s choice to be out.
I remember many years ago there was a big discussion on one of the larger internet polyamory discussion groups where people who found being “out” valuable were commenting with some self-pride that they could never date someone who wasn’t “out”. Know what? I’d be unlikely to, as well. That doesn’t make me a better person. It was the undercurrent of virtue that got to me at the time, the idea that one might have compelling reasons not to be out was an inferior way to live. That it was somehow hypocritical. I don’t think it’s necessarily hypocritical to keep quiet about one’s love life.
Now, if you make a career out of chasing down and punishing alternative lifestylers, but you, yourself are a practitioner, I’ve neither sympathy nor mercy towards you. If you’re participating in punishing people for being poly and you’re poly yourself, and if I find out about it, I won’t keep my mouth shut.
But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say that choosing not to be out can be a very valid choice.
I’m talking about the elementary school teacher, the people that don’t want to sacrifice other parts of their lives that they value to be poly. I’m talking about people who don’t want to be activists. You don’t owe the world activism. I don’t flatter myself that I’m sticking my neck out for you. ‘Cause frankly, my neck is in no damn danger and I lack the necessary arrogance to give myself airs that it is. You people who are activists, don’t be trying to put the claim on the people you’re ostensibly trying to serve, either!
You own you, each of you, and you own your choices. Don’t let anyone try to guilt you into doing something different.
If you’re on the fence, though, about whether or not to be out, examine it. Why do you want to? What do you hope to gain? What might you lose? Face up to it and make your own choice. Then you can feel good about what you’ve done because you’ve made the choice with your eyes wide open. I made the choice to be out mostly ’cause I’m chicken. I felt like being transparent was safer for me. But you might not feel that’s the best way for you and your relationships to go.
My father used to tell me “There’s a price for everything.” It’s true. In or out, there is a price attached. The important thing is to think clearly, don’t evade the fact that no matter what you choose, you’re gonna have that price attached and do it with a clear understanding. When you do that, you will face up to the ups and downs of being poly a lot better.
What is the right action of the larger community when relationship dramas can destabilize and threaten an entire social network? — a very wise friend
Pepper Spray.
Well, okay, no you can’t do that. But hold that thought a minute.
If you’re polyamorous and are lucky enough to have a social network in your city, chances are it’s pretty small. Even in the largest city, people who openly identify as poly are relatively rare. Being poly, there’s probably going to be interlocking relationships, dating and what have you. People, being people, are gonna fall in love, stay together and have great relationships, break up, be loyal, backstab, gossip, refuse to misbehave — all of it. The one thing you can count on people to do is to behave like people.
This means sometimes there will be Relationship Drama that might splash on your local community.
How do you handle it?
This is gonna be how you handle it, ’cause I doubt like hell many people would choose my method. I go away until it blows over because, well, I’m a recluse. Being at home alone with my knitting or writing is fun. Going to a party that makes me feel like I am back in high school isn’t fun at all. To me, it’s an easy choice. It’s prying my ass out of the house that’s difficult, even to see people I like.
But, allow the person who sits in the corner watching everyone play Telephone to make a few observations.
Okay, I am going to have to break it to you: Relationships are not always forever and sometimes breakups hurt a whole bunch. If you’re not up for that, for heaven’s sake learn how to be before you start getting heavily involved in a poly community. Emotions can run high. Can you behave yourself when emotions run high? Relationships aren’t politics and they aren’t a war. You don’t need soldiers, minions or yes-men agreeing how wonderful you are when you’re in the throes of an emotional crisis. What you need is to steady and stabilize yourself.
It’s the stabilizing part that’s the important thing. Keep in mind that it’s never a war. People broke up and emotions are running high. Don’t try to be a hero, and keep any righteous indignation out of it.
Families, churches and whatnot all have their own versions of interlocking loyalties and relationships blowing up a social structure. It happens. The question is: What do you want to contribute to? Do you want to contribute to growth, or do you want to contribute to drawmuh.
Even though it’s not unique to polyamory, wouldn’t it be cool if polyamory could set the example for Community in general. Imagine how much it would rock if you were a contributing factor to the polyamorous setting the example for how to handle the pain of relationships within breakups!
If you don’t wanna see an ex, don’t go to parties where that ex is gonna be. Throw your own parties. You’re not obligated to hang out with a former love if it’s painful. Really. I know, you want your old social circle as well as not seeing your ex. Friend, it sucks, you might have to make a choice.
On the other hand, if what you want is vindication about how right you are and how horrible your ex is, get a grip and grow the hell up. We all have exes that we think are a waste of good protein. You don’t need outside confirmation here. You know the truth. Get on with your life and your Evil Ex dig his own hole. If he’s not being ostracized as your sense of justice prefers, get the hell over it and move on.
If you fancy yourself a “community leader”, it’s still not your job to make sure that your widdle flock wipes their noses properly. Don’t go running from feuding party to feuding party trying to make every one behave. It only makes things worse. You’re participating in and feeding some nonsense. Step back, disengage and encourage other people not to be personally involved in things that are Not Their Problem. You can’t make it all better. You can set a good example.
On a not-polyamory, not-misanthropic note: Gifts to food pantries around the nation are down as people are being hard-hit. If you have some spare cash, try to make sure that you keep up with your donations. For those of us lucky enough that the box of pasta or can of green beans is still a relatively trivial expense, remember that it’s not for everyone. Thing is, don’t stop a the holidays. People get just as hungry in January. Be a credit to your kink and give if you can.
Same-sex marriages are now legal today in California.
I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am thrilled for the people who want to marry legally but haven’t been able to up until now. I wish every one of you who have wanted to marry and now can the best of luck and a lifetime of happiness together. Love is important, and we shouldn’t lose sight of that.
On the other hand (and those of you who feel like I’m being Captain Buzzkill can stop reading now. I’m not gonna trash your day).
Marriage as an institution needs a serious revamp. The laws around marriage and family reflect a social structure that we don’t actually have any more. Society has changed, but some institutions haven’t quite caught up. Lags like these aren’t unusual, but it’s important to look at them clearly so that when we make our changes, we’re doing it usefully.
I’m asking questions in this article rather than presenting solutions because when confronted with the enormity of the problem, I find myself waving my hands around and looking like a deer in headlights.
You see, society has changed, but human nature hasn’t. People connect and want to live together. Plenty of us fall in love and decide to have kids. Some decide that they want to live together, but don’t want kids. Some decide they want to live with more than one person — and on it goes.
Sure, you could say marriage is for the protection of pregnant women and their offspring. That’s a necessary social function. We need to ensure kids are provided for.
But marriage ain’t just about kids. Plenty of people who don’t want/can’t have kids want to be married to partners.
Why?
Part of it is cultural. People who are in love marry, right? How many “happy ending” romantic stories end with people not getting married — especially if the story is marketed for the under 13 set? A lot of it is simply cultural expectation.
Part of it is for the legal benefit. There are about 1,400 benefits and advantages (State and Federal) that one gets when on marries. There’s the big, obvious stuff like tax advantages and visitation rights in hospitals, and then the stuff we don’t think about as often like rights in lawsuits and inheritance issues. Many of the legal benefits are based on the “and the two shall become one” principle. A married couple is often treated as a single unit for financial and some legal issues. Ferinstance, if someone is driving drunk and kills your husband, as a wife, you can sue for wrongful death and loss of intimacy. If you’re not married? The law is a whole bunch fuzzier on the issue.
For myself, I’d like to see a disconnect between the legal institution of marriage and the social behaviors of romance. We humans are social creatures and I think it’s important for the legal structures to recognize and support the very natural human desire to form partnerships for mutual benefit. However, the whole romance thing is really muddying a lot of the waters.
I’d like to see cohabitation and parenting contracts that specifically exclude the concept of a romantic relationship, which marriage is presumed to be right now. (i.e. “I don’t give a damn if it’s Twoo Wuv or not. The kids need to be taken care of, and the damn bills need to be paid!”)
Thing is, it’s easy to theorize. Actually coming up with workable solutions (and we do need them) is something else entirely!
I’d love to know what my readers think about his one.
Sometimes when people join discussion boards in the polyamory community, they run across an alphabet soup of acronyms.
In an attempt to facilitate communication, I present the Polyamorous Misanthrope’s Official List of Polyamory Acronyms[1]:
BDSM – Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism. You know, the kinky stuff. Chips, dips, chains, whips.
BTDT – Been There, Done That. The basic theme of the Polyamorous Misanthrope these days.
FWB – Friend With Benefits. This means it’s a friend you’re having sex with, but not necessarily romantically committed.
HBB – Hot Bi Babe. While we do exist,[2] the expression is usually used in a slightly negative way to make fun of people who want to “add a woman” to their family.
HNG – Horny Net Geek. I confess I’ve not seen this one in awhile. For that matter, I’ve not run across an HNG in awhile. I think I’ve succeeded in scaring the little bastards off. Go me!
IANAL – I Am Not A Lawyer. Sometimes we deal with legal issues in polyamorous relationships. If you get this tag with advice, the person is wisely pointing out that while the legal code seems to look a certain way, getting a lawyer is smart. Usually the formula is, “IANAL, but-”
IRL – In Real Life. Ferinstance, “Yeah, I know Wolfger IRL.” It means you’ve actually met and interacted with them in person. Astonishing.
NRE – New Relationship Energy. This is way to express the “falling in love” feeling without necessarily buying into the whole “one and only” paradigm of monogamous relationships. This is often an expression that’s used when your partner is being a dork and not paying you a lot of attention because of the new partner. Sometimes referred to as the “New Kitten Syndrome”.
OSO – Other Significant Other. You have more than one. It’s not this one, it’s the other one.
SiaSL – Stranger in a Strange Land. The most brilliant poly book ever written. Only a barbarian would think otherwise. Really. See my serious face[3]?
SO – Significant Other. This is your main squeeze if you do hierarchical polyamory, or one of your squeezes if you don’t.
TOCOTOX – Too Complicated To Explain. This isn’t seen on PolyFamilies much, but I’ve see it other places. I always get a “special snowflake” feel when I see it. I know, I suck.
YMMV – Your Mileage May Vary. We recognize that people, being inconsistent critters, might react to various situations differently. This is often added when people offer advice as a caveat that things don’t work the same every time.
[2] Ain’t I modest?
[3] No, don’t take this as an opportunity to trash it. If SiaSL had not been written, it is entirely possible that the enormous edification opportunities of this column would be lost to the world. Show some respect.
Well, well, well, polyamory is all growed up and hitting the big time in the media. There’s been a mentions in women’s magazines – the big ones like Redbook and Marie Claire.
What does this mean for you, the average poly person just a’livin’ her life and lovin’ her loves?
That’s up to you. You might be getting more attention these days. You might get some questions or comments from people if they know you’re poly.
I hope, that if you’re poly and “out” that you do keep in mind that you’re “The Face of Polyamory” to the people who know you[1]. This means what you do, and how you live is going to be how people around you see polyamory.
No pressure!
I know what this feels like. As a visible poly parent, I often feel enormous pressure to have it all together and be seen as a “good mother”[2] so that I don’t give the impression that being poly is gonna screw up my kids. At a certain point, I did decide that I’d screw what people thought and just be the best mom I could be. It works out.
Thing is, unless you live in an area with a high poly population, when people who know you’re poly look at you, that’s what they’re gonna think polyamory is.
What does this mean?
Much or little. Me? I like the idea of being a credit to your kink. I like the idea of people just trying to be good people because… well, being the best person you can be is a valuable thing to do.
This does mean I want to caution you more against “seeming” and to be in favor of “doing” and “being”. Be a credit to your kink! Don’t worry too much if you look like a credit to your kink, if you follow me. Getting caught up in what you’re looking like will get in the way of the real doing.
You may actually be approached by the media. I’ve always chosen not to grant interviews for various reasons, but you need to sort that one out for yourself. I caution you that if you’re thinking about doing an interview, carefully consider possible ramifications. Your mother in law might be all right with your being poly on the quiet, but might throw a hissy fit complete with legal battle about your kids if someone in the Junior League approaches her with demands to explain how her daughter in law just gave that interview in the newspaper.
You might very well be approached as an object of curiosity. I hope you’ll be good-natured and patient about it. Yeah, it feels normal to you. But it’s odd to many people and it’s a good idea to have some answers prepared mentally so you don’t find yourself saying something gawdawful in a fit of pique.
You might not be approached at all[3]. Don’t feel all sad and left out and feel like you have to wave the poly flag if you don’t get much attention. Just accept that your crowd might be a bit more groovy about weird and bask in your luck.
If you’re really interested in checking out polyamory news stories, I encourage you to check out Alan’s Polyamory in the Media.
That’s all for this week.
Ya’ll be good.
[2] Which is not necessarily exactly the same as being a good mother.
[3] Believe it or not, I almost never am.
It’s been a busy week and I have the flu, so this is a re-run of a personal fave.
Peeve time, and this is a big one.
I get sucked into drama really easily. I’m an intense person and all the gods know that I am a sucker for almost any type of intensity – good and bad.
A personal Poly Drama got me talking to one of my spice recently. As we were talking, he sighed and said, “I don’t really consider myself poly.”
At this point, I looked at him like he had three heads. I mean, he lives in a group marriage, for goodness sake!
“I don’t get it. You’re in love with two women. I know you are,” I said. After all, one of those women was me and I know he’s in love with our wife.
He shrugged. “Yes, I am. But I’m not poly. Polyamory isn’t about love that I’ve been able to see. It’s all about playacting and drama.”
This cut me up short and hard. God, I soo wanted to protest… “No! No! No! Darling, it is too about the love. It’s all about the love. You’re just not seeing it because you’re isolated from the community, you won’t hang out with poly people enough. You’re just getting the bitching at home!”
However, there something about this husband that makes it really hard to bullshit yourself when you’re talking to him. Oh you can scream and rail and call him names and call him a blind idiot, but it’s a waste of time. It’s better to shut up and think a minute. ‘Cause no, he’s not always right. You do have to think. However, he is a damned intuitive man. So, I shut up and thought about what I was feeling in the moment of my own Personal Poly Drama. The whole situation on all parts was not coming from a place of love, I can tell you, and this particular poly situation is so common that if someone posted it to a discussion list it would get an eyeroll for being boring. I’ve seen it and its various permutations at least once a week for the past eight years.
I realized something.
Polyamory is supposed to be about love, but my husband was right. Tragically, far more often than not, it is not. In my watching the poly community over the last eight years or so, I see a truly appalling lack of love . In my own life… God, oh God, it is worse. There are days when I marvel at the complete gall I am showing in having anything to do with the poly community, much less write any articles about relationships. I make so many foolish, blind, unloving mistakes in my relationships it’s not even funny. Oh, the NRE crap? Got that down pat. Sure do. It’s fun and I’m not running it down. It has its place, honest.
Don’t leave out the real thing.
If it ain’t about the love of all your relationships at the core of it, it’s not worth it. Really, it isn’t.
So what do I mean by love?
While I am not a Christian, but when speaking on the nature and power of love, I really think this passage is simply brilliant:
If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body to be burned but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. 7It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. 9For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; 10but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13
I’m not about fluffybunny here. The cosmic muffin nonsense that some people pass off as this universal love crap without following through gets to me. It cheapens the work, worth and power of what love really is. Don’t listen to words. Watch actions. Okay, just for the record though, I don’t want any of you guys quoting this article and saying, “See, see, I got hurt, so that’s proof you don’t love me!” Mama Java, she don’t like it when people twist her words. People can fuck up, be blind, be human, be faulty and still be loving. It’s whether or not you keep on trying, ‘kay? That’s the essence of a lot of what I am talking about. Do you get back up and keep trying when you fall short of your own ideals? Do you accept that your loves are going to fall short of their own ideals, and give them the opportunity to keep trying? So many poly people get on their high horses about love. Frankly, the general run of us win no damned prizes in the demonstration of love department. We’re about on par with monogamous folks. That’s okay, mind. We’re human. But let’s step down off the damned high horse, ‘kay? We look like bloody hypocrites, and it’s got to stop.
I wanna go over in detail a bit of this Bible passage (any of you former Southern Baptists out there havin’ flashbacks yet? LOL). I want it very clear that I do not claim for one second, by the way, to fulfill all these goals. They’re goals in becoming a more loving human being. I am not there by a long shot.
I’ve been doing a lot of ranting on this subject among some of my intimates lately, and one of them brought up an interesting point as well, commenting that he saw a lot of relationship problems as being matters of not seeing things clearly, and laboring under misconceptions. While do not entirely share the full world view (I think that you can still see things clearly and choose to be unloving. He has a somewhat more positive view of humans than I), he does have a point. It’s hard to be genuinely loving when looking “though a glass darkly”. You cannot make the loving choice when laboring under misinformation, self-deception or assumptions. Truth is Love’s most precious companion. Keep that in mind as you look at your own life, your own loves and your own choices in life.
Back about a year ago, when I rejoined the PolyFamilies Community, I was still working in an office and had some slack time. Being bored, I proposed creating a PolyFamilies drinking game based on some common things that happened on the particular list. Some of ‘em are peculiar to the PolyFamilies “subculture”, and some are very much common to Polyamory online discussion groups in general. My apologies for a post that’s insular to one small group, but they begged and pleaded. With tears even. Honest.
So, I’m formally declaring this iteration to be the Official Rules for the PolyFamilies Drinking Game. (And if there’s no more Misanthrope columns, it’s because they filleted me for my presumption. *grin*)
Take one drink if:
Take Two Drinks if:
Take Three Drinks if:
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