The Polyamorous Misanthrope

As is often the case, I had my cranky pants on during an Internet discussion and started ranting about how fringe groups often like to get self-congratulatory about what better people they are. This ain’t a polyamorous phenomenon, mind. As far as I can tell, it’s part of the Human Experience.

It does drive me up a freakin’ wall, however, and I boggled in my personal blog about why this should be so. It must serve a need or people wouldn’t do it.

I got this back from the author of What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory: (And check that out, it’s good!)

…fringe isn’t better, it’s simply equal. But, since there often isn’t equality, people look for the added security of bolstered pride. Poly is no better than mono; it’s worth fighting for equal rights for, but not because it’s better - just because it’s ok, and should be seen as ok.

I loved this.

Oh yeah, sure, be a credit to your kink and all. That’s great. Go for it and be a good person if that’s your heart’s desire. I don’t go back on that, and yes, the more poly people who have their shit together, the better.

But poly isn’t better. It’s okay – just like monogamy is okay.

There’s often a compensation syndrome going on, and I do understand that. When OLQ¹ was together, I can recall all four of us discussing the pressure we felt to be Very Good Parents because of our lifestyle. Not that we’re not motivated to try to be as good parents as we can for our kids’ sake, but we did feel a lot of pressure from the outside to keep from being judged. We were concerned that screwups would be attributed to the lifestyle, rather than the fact that we’re bloody human.

You get it with other things, too. There’s a tendency to blame every damn’ thing that goes wrong on lifestyle. Sometimes… Well, sometimes your relationships do suck and you need to get your head out of your ass.

Sometimes… Well, sometimes it’s Just Life.

I do look forward to the day when fringe groups in general are judged by the same standards are the rest of the world. The internal motivation to be a credit to your kink, or be the best person you can be is great. The thing is, it’s that external pressure to be more together/a better parent/more loving/whatever isn’t really productive, nor does it promote honest equality.

¹Our Little Quad. I used to live in a group marriage and that’s how we referred to ourselves on the internet. Be careful how you name yourself, ’cause that shit can stick

Poly people out there, do you have your legal ducks in a row?

Most of these things are legal documents that anyone, poly or not, should have in order. Thing is, because polyamorous situations can muddy legal waters, it’s important to have your wishes clear. Not all of the documents will apply to all poly situations, but many are important.

• Who should be contacted in case of an emergency? Is this written down anywhere? (I actually have a “drop dead” file that I made when I went in for surgery once. Everything that people will need to take care of stuff if I drop dead is in that file — legal and routine).
• Who do you want to allow to visit you in the hospital? You can have this information on file with your primary care physician as well as your local hospital.
• Do you have a living will?
• Do you want anyone to have medical power of attorney? If so, do you have the paperwork on file for this?
• What about a “real” will? Even if you don’t own significant property, you’ve seen fights over who gets Grandma’s pearls, or a silver teapot. Don’t do this to the people you love.
• If you do own significant property where probate would disrupt people’s lives, you might want to consider a living trust.
• If you have kids, do you have guardianship documents? Poly situations can get sticky. You’re going to want child care authorizations for anyone who you want looking after your child on a regular basis. You want to make sure your will clearly establishes your guardianship wishes if something happens while the kids are still young (You really really don’t want to leave this to the whims of the courts!) If you have any children with whom you have no legal relationship but to whom you have assumed a responsibility, I strongly suggest either a life insurance policy with that child as a beneficiary (they’re not that expensive) or a joint bank account that you contribute to regularly with the child having rights of survivorship.

This is not a comprehensive list, but is meant to get you to thinking: Are there situations as a poly person that might be outside the box where you will have to deal with a bureaucracy? If so, there are usually ways to make sure that you get what you want for you and your loves, but you do need to make a special effort to make sure any necessary paperwork is on file.

Remember, polyamory is about love. Make sure you’re thinking about the people you love here.

Gather ye ’round little poly chilluns, ’cause Mama Java’s about to go off yet again. (I’m beginning to suspect peri-menopause…)

What the unholy fuck is up with you nutcases and “Spiritually Polyamorous” or “Platonically Polyamorous”?

What’s wrong with the good, old-fashioned word for it:

Friends

I mean, really people, what’s with the “special” words and terms? Are you afraid that’s not good enough for you? Why in hell would you want to insult the concept of friendship by saying that if you don’t use a special word for the relationship, then relationship is somehow diminished? I don’t know about you, but for me, friendship is pretty damned valuable. If I call you my friend, buddy, I value the relationship.

I have news for you guys. While I concede that polyamory is not all about sex or romance, sex and romance are most certainly part of it.

I have a friend. I think the world of this person — funny, smart, amazingly wise about the human condition. We’re both poly, but ya know what? We’re friends. Not “just friends” as if things are diminished. We’re friends — and that’s a valuable thing!

I think of there is no sex or romance involved, no, it’s not a poly relationship. It might be important. You might treasure it. And you know what, treasuring your relationships, sexual or not is good. Loving someone is never a bad thing to do! You don’t need a special word to make it “more important”. Friends is good. Honest. Even when you’re really, really close.

I have a strong dislike of the contortions to try to make it seem like we’re “not bad” in the eyes of the monogamous because “it isn’t ABOUT sex”.

NO relationship is ever about just one thing. Any monogamously married person with a successful relationship would agree that his marriage is not ABOUT sex. The thing is, it’s not about “not sex”, either. There is that component.

I have friends that I love very much. We use the phrase “I love you” to each other and by God we mean it. But there’s no romantic component. These aren’t people I would kiss or “go further” with. But love. Yes. Deeply. These are people I know down into their bones, know their foibles and faults, as well as their triumphs and strengths and I love them. I just love them. No big deal. Nothing dramatic.

I’m not weird or unusual in this. I’m hardly some specially-evolved loving being. These are things that any healthy adult experiences. It’s… it’s so normal.

It’s why things like “emotionally poly” or “platonically poly” really frustrate me. What the hell has happened to the very simple, natural human concept of “love” that we need to tie it in to a movement that by god did have its genesis in multiple loving sexual partners? Has our view of something so natural and human gotten that whacked that we need something special and dramatic when we love our friends? To me, it smacks of needing to be a special little snowflake ¹. You’re not. Honest. There’s very little in love and romance that’s not part of the human condition –really.

But, it’s a good part of the human condition. Celebrate it, sure.

Just cut it with the dramatic language to make it something it ain’t, ‘kay?

¹ I’d attribute that expression if I could. I’ve seen it running around in a few places and I really love it!

If I see one more person act like being poly is a journey of self-discovery (as if that’s what makes poly valuable) I may vomit — Or at least make myself a stiff martini as anesthesia.

That martini becomes a double if it sneers at monogamous people for not doing it. No, better yet, go find a monastery, any religion you choose, and tell them that because they’re not poly no-one there is on a journey of self discovery. Though, monks and nuns, generally being more spiritual and evolved than I am, would probably just smile and say, “Is that so?” and go back to adding to the calluses and meditating on other things.

If life isn’t a journey of discovery for you, you’re missing the point, I don’t give a damn what you’re doing with the slippery bits.

Polyamory is not better than monogamy. It’s just different. It’s a taste, and it’s a taste that in a sane would would be no more significant than a preference for Coke or Pepsi. Poly people aren’t better or stronger or nicer or more loving.

We’re just people, for heaven’s sake.

A problem I’ve noticed in my own life, as well as lives of many other poly people is a lack of social support.

I don’t mean that your mother doesn’t like and understand that you’re poly, though that is something of a symptom.

What I mean is that the social context where people often expect sympathy and support if often lacking in the wider community.

Let’s go with the most common one — divorce. It is not unusual for someone who is poly, especially one living in a multi-adult situation, not to get a lot of support or understanding if one of the partners moves out. Hey, you’ve got other partners, still, right?

Even if it’s not as extreme as a divorce, but is “merely” a breakup, you may not get the understanding that a monogamous person might.

There are a dozen little things you start running in to. If you find you are getting depressed and need help, you have to gather your thoughts together well enough to educate mental health workers about polyamory before you can get appropriate treatment¹. It’s very hard to listen to a counselor’s input, because sometimes a counselor might be confronting you with things you don’t want to face, and it’s really easy to blow that off as “poly prejudice”, especially if you have the slightest pig-headedness to your nature.

What kind of things help?

• “Being out” — You can’t be supportive of what you don’t know about. My co-workers knew I lived in a group marriage. When I was saving boxes to help an ex move, my co-workers treated it with the same sympathy as they would any co-worker going through a more “standard” divorce. If they hadn’t known, they would have been confronted with this nut who would tear up when she picked up a box without having the slightest idea why. And in the throes of a divorce is hardly the time to whip a little “poly education” on anyone! More importantly, because we were out, we were able to have open lines of comunication with the children’s teachers, asking them to please keep us informed of behavioral issues, etc. It was a big help! Because the people knew us and had a context on which to hang the whole idea, they got what was going on pretty well.
• Having a social circle that is not connected only with your partners — Avoid the “group hug” thing too much if you’re in a poly group situation. Yes, your family and that closeness is important, but you want to have a context in which you’re just you, not part of the Petting Zoo, or OLQ, or Our Little Tribe, or Kerista, or the Oneida Community. Your family context is important, but have an identity outside of that. If you knit and no-one else in the family does, for goodness sake, make it to your stitch-n-bitch regularly! Have an outside project, interest or activity where you hang out with people that aren’t necessarily poly.

I’m not necessarily saying to do this in case someone dies or divorces you, though. People need a wide range of contacts, family, friends and wider social networks². A social support network is as important for our needs to give as our needs to get.

I recall encountering someone commenting on being polyamorous on Usenet many years ago, saying, “I don’t have a lifestyle, I have a life!” I liked that, because I think it is all too easy for we poly to get tied up in our polyness, and especially our families if we live in multi-adult households, and lose touch with the outside world.

So, yes, have a life! It’s good for you, good for reality checks, and actually ain’t so bad to show that we polys are “real people” too!

¹Try that in the throes of a mental health crisis sometime. It’s even less fun than it sounds like!
² Yes, even we introverts need that. You’re still a monkey, even if you’re a weirdly-wired one.

I got quite a compliment many years ago from a member of the mailing list generated by the Polyfamilies site. Basically, the lady had never really intended to be a stay at home mom, or do the housewife thing. She found it too pedestrian and far too conformist and as a result, was having a hard time coping with some stuff she’d committed to. As she was reading the site, and reading the comments of the people on the mailing list, she came to her own little epiphany that she could be a freak and still have her life together.

It was exciting to learn that yes, the site has made a difference in someone’s life, and that people are getting the idea that you can consciously choose how you are going to live. That you can be different and not throw what you may value to the winds.

As I was talking about this to my family at the time, I found myself laughing and saying, “That’s right, I want people to be a credit to their kink!”

While I meant it as a joke, it’s actually quite true. I would love to see all the freaks, the alternative lifestylers, and those of us on the fringe going out there and being the energetic, motivated workers in the office, the most reliable contractors, the people that are known to be charitable, kindly and honest.

Of course, alternative lifestylers are no better or worse than everyone else. We’re just human, and it’s vain as hell that I would like to see us working our best to just plain be better, more creative, more organized, more generous people.

But it’s a vanity I don’t really want to get rid of.

A lot of poly people do something I think is awesome, by the way. They’re volunteers for various organizations and not just the lifestyle stuff¹, but in churches, scouting, homeless shelters and other community services. If you’re poly and don’t do volunteer work, I encourage you to try out some small thing every now and then. Even little occasional stuff like being a blood donor counts for a lot², becacuse if a lot of people do things like that, it adds up! It’s okay to pick something you find fun, too³. We don’t all have to be Mother Theresa.

This isn’t to say that I think poly people oughta be perfect to call themselves poly. (Otherwise I’d be the first to kick myself out of the “club”). But there is this nagging vanity that would love to see “polyamorous” create an image of an amazingly together, kewl hoopy frood in people’s minds.

In the interests of “being a credit to your kink”, I want to recommend some self-improvement stuff to you guys. I do not agree with every single little thing these people say (curiously enough, they’re mostly monogamous, and often quite traditional people whose faiths mean a great deal to them). But they do good work and the principles do apply to anyone’s life, no matter what one’s taste is in <snerk> rubbing carapaces. Like anything, take what’s useful to you. It won’t be everything — not even my oh so inspired writing!

• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I’m an audiobook freak, so I listen to the unabridged version on my iPod. And I encourage you not to bother with the abridged version if you get it as an audiobook. Get the unabridged. If you are in any sort of organization, a family of any size included, seriously do read/listen to this. This is good stuff and focuses on valuing relationships. However, fair warning, Stephen Covey is a devout member of the LDS Church and his manner and views reflect this. It might get under your fingernails too much for you to enjoy the work. Your call. I think he’s got a lot of good points.
• Flylady. If you have organzational management issues, check this site out.
• Stumptuous This is a site that talks mostly about weight lifting for women, but she’s a women and gender studies scholar, so it’s not a the “get skinny to be a worthwhile human” type garbage. She deals with health and gender issues, too. Cool stuff. She likes to use Naughty Words when she writes, so she get the Goddess of Java’s Self-Expression Seal of Approval. I don’t think physical fitness is any particular virtue, mind, but for those who are into “A healthy mind in a healthy body” as a goal, I’ll throw it out there.

Other Useful Stuff from the Polyfamilies Yahoogroup Membership at Large:

• Illusions, by Richard Bach
• Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach
• No Ordinary Moments, by Dan Millman
• Fitday – a nutrition/exercise tracker
• Emotional Blackmail , by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
• Loving What Is, by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell
• Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

¹ Which is important! (If I didn’t think so, this site wouldn’t be here, now would it?
² Though it occurs to me that blood donation is a bad example as there are a lot of polys disqualified for that… (For those of you not too familiar with what I’m talking about, I don’t mean rampant AIDS. The Red Cross screens out men who have had sex with men, and women who have had sex with men who have had sex with men).
³ In the interests of practicing what I preach, I looked around for a volunteer opportunity and now do so at a museum. Gadgets! Toys! Wheeee!!!

Originally published on

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050205.html

Yet again, Mama Java, she’s had it up to her eyeballs!

I’m tired of seeing this:

Well, Mr. I’m Searching for a Hot Bi Babe, that’s nice you want to get laid and all, but we’re about polyamory. What you’re talking about is just swinging!

What the hell is it with the poly community sneering at the swingers? I’m sick of it, I tellya! I am serious. Had it up to my eyeballs and wanna rip on someone.

It comes from several places. For one thing, what’s wrong with swinging? Seriously. I don’t sneer at it, think it is a lesser form of sex or anything like that. If we’re coming from a place that says sex is okay, that monogamy is not the only way to be, why say swinging is bad? Not to your taste? Okay, that’s fine. There are plenty of things that are to my taste and that aren’t. These don’t make me better/more moral/more spiritually advanced. It’s just what might rock my socks or not.

These are the arguments I tend to see:

• “But, swinging is about anonymous sex!”The hell it is. Most swingers play with people they know. In fact, one swinger I talk to a lot commented, upon hearing the poly attitude to swinging, “Hey, I only have sex with friends.” In truth, even if swinging were about anonymous sex, so what? Why is this wrong? That’s really as absurd as people who used to justify pre-martial sex as not quite wrong if you were “really in love”. Fah! Get over it! Go read The Ethical Slut, have a cup of cocoa and call me when you’ve gotten a grip on reality!
• Polyamory is just so much more emotionally fulfillingOh I love this one! If you think poly is automatically more emotionally fulfilling, then you’ve never watched some of the spectacular breakups one can see in the poly community. Sorry, ain’t pretending everything is all butterflys and roses here, m’kay? Sometimes poly works out great, sometimes it bloody well sucks. Same range as relationships in general. I’m not here to reassure you that poly is gonna be The Way to Have Deep and Fulfilling Relationships. It ain’t. It’s a way to have more than one ethically. What you do with that is up to you.
• Polyamory is about commitment.In the words of a friend of mine, “Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.” I’ve not seen that the poly community exactly wins any real prizes in the commitment category. Drama? Hell yeah, we’ve got that down pat. Miscommunication? Got it. We’re masters. Keeping in there when the going gets rough? Again, about on par with the monogamous community. Don’t get on your damned high horse. Swingers are more honest about sex, ‘kay?

I find the attitude many poly people have about swinging just mind-numbingly hypocritical, and I would really like it if we’d rethink the attitude. In all honesty, I have to wonder why we hang on to such attitudes? What the heck are we afraid of? Being called a slut? <shrug> Sticks-n-stones, luv! Having people look down on our relationships? Get over it. No, they’re not going to be respected and sneering at people won’t help them to be that way. Someday, maybe, we will have multiple relationships treated with dignity, but if public opinion is that damned important to you, why the heck are you poly?

The swingers don’t get up in arms about what we say about them.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041225.html

Well, honestly? I think a lot of people who complain about not having any holiday spirit do so because they don’t feel that they’re festive enough, rather than accepting whatever level of festiveness they happen to feel at the moment. I mean, you’re not going to feel wonderful just because it happens to be a holiday.  — Me, in a conversation with a close friend

Mama Java, she loves Christmas. A lot. It’s her birthday, and she was named for it, after all.

Now, I’ve known a lot of people who don’t like the holiday season. In spite of my own love of it, I can understand. Christmas, by its name, is considered a Christian holiday, and the non-Christians often feel overshadowed. They don’t get the day off for Solstice, or they feel sick of the manger scenes, their religion doesn’t necessarily have all that big of a winter festival, the menorah lights have been cold for days, or the family gathering where they’re getting picked on for their religion. That’s no picnic.

Then there’s the commercialism, the pressure to buy and buy and buy, and the wondering how you’re going to afford all this, the fear that you’re going to leave someone important out on your gift list. You feel guilty if you get your kids too little; feel guilty if you give your kids too much stuff. You get loaded down with knickknacks that mean nothing to you.

Then there’s the hectic schedule — the holiday concerts and parties and visits to and from relatives. Relatives. There’s a can of worms all in and of itself! You feel guilty if you don’t go to see people you’re related to. You feel guilty if you do go and aren’t thrilled.

It can be a real mess.^*

I really do think that we often (myself included) miss the real meaning of the season — no matter your religion or lack thereof.

I have always thought of Christmas as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

– Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Do we always do this? Of course not. We’re human beings and we’re not perfect. But to me, the holiday season, what with the light coming back at Solstice, the anticipation of a rebirth and renewal of spirit is a time to remember and recommit to open the heart, to honor the ties we value, and to be open to what really matters in life — the love that we do hold for people in our lives.

What are some things one can do to honor the actual spirit of this time of the year?

• Don’t try to have “the perfect holiday”.

  Poly families are notoriously blended families. You know, you may have had a certain ornament you just had to hang in a certain place and if you didn’t, you feel like the holiday is spoiled, but your partners probably did not grow up with this specific tradition. Don’t be too focused on How the Holiday Should Be. Be open to celebrating in different ways.

• Let go of holiday guilt

  Maybe you don’t have much money, and aren’t going to be able to buy much. Maybe you’re going through a bad time personally. You don’t have to make that gingerbread train with the hand made candy lake, ice skaters and train station. If you’re in the mood, great. If not, don’t feel guilty.

• Don’t let the joy of the holiday be dependant on how other people act

There’s not a thing wrong with lighting a candle and mediating on the season, or playing a meaningful game with the kids (and letting go of the expectation of whether or not they’re going to have bright, shining innocent faces, or if they’re going to be whiny, sugar-hyper little brats), playing an album that means a lot to you (by the way Christmas Eve and Other Stories is flat out my favorite seasonal album. ROCKS, ROCKS, I tell you!), or anything special that doesn’t require a lot of externals. For me, at least, the thing that matters most is what is in the heart. Don’t let your Holiday happiness rely on whether or not Uncle Jim gets drunk like he does every damned year and starts getting obnoxious.

• If you’re feeling Scroogish, let go of any guilt about it.

If it just isn’t your thing, it isn’t. That’s okay.

In the end, it’s not about religion, it’s not about money. It’s the heart. It’s always the heart and the joy and celebration of life and light and birth and love.

In the words of The Ghost of Christmas Present:

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041030.html

I remember one night, after Atlas was published, she [Ayn Rand] was sitting on the sofa, crying, protesting the state of the world and her place in it, and then she said how much she would hate for John Galt to see her this way, how much she would hate for him to see her miserable or in tears. I said, “Why? Wasn’t this part of the battle? Wasn’t feeling like hell and then picking yourself up and carrying on part of what made the struggle heroic? What was there to be ashamed of? Why did one have to pretend that there were never moments of utter despair? Wasn’t the challenge to experience them, own them, admit them, without denial or pretense ‹ and then go on fighting?” I said we should be proudly willing to let people see us in our darkest moments because in the end it was not going to be our darkest moments that would define us.

– Nathaniel Branden

Don’tcha love my titles.

So, why does it suck to be poly?

Okay, at first I have to come out. Yes, yes, you already know I’m poly, you might know I’m bi.

There’s something else about me I don’t talk about much. I’m not ashamed of it, mind you, but it’s not something I tend to broadcast. At least, until today.

I’m bipolar, and am what is so quaintly called “non-compliant” about medication. (Possibly “stiff-necked pain in the ass” would be a closer description, but I’ve not heard a clinical professional use the expression). Yes, that’s right, you’ve been taking advice from a crazy person. Please, no mental illness advocates lecture me on using negative imagery about mental illness, ‘kay? I know the list of famous and productive bipolars as well as you do. It’s a pain in the ass, but no, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a good life. Hear that, little poly chilluns? You can have overwhelming challenges and have a good life. LOL. Sometimes I even remember that.

But sometimes I don’t.

That’s when the problem comes in. You see, when you’re really down, you need to get help. Sometimes, you let it go too far and you wind up in the emergency room. For the record, no, I didn’t make an attempt to kill myself. I was watching myself rationalize that in the long run it wouldn’t hurt my family as badly as dealing with my fucked up self. I know how dangerous that is. I also know the statistics on suicide risk for children of suicides. I’m a mother. I don’t want to put that kind of burden on my kids, even if I am nuts. I checked myself in rather than do something I was really going to regret if I survived. (My best friend for many years was a critical care nurse. I’ve heard one to many horror stories of failed suicide attempts to want to deal with that).

So here I am in the emergency room. Were the staff kind and understanding? Yes. VERY much so. I was treated kindly and with dignity, and I very much appreciate that. It helped. A lot!

But –

They didn’t know about polyamory. So, here I am trying to explain what’s going on in my life, and without the context of polyamory, it’s going to be impossible to understand! They’re not going to be able to help but so much, nor are they going to have any real perspective.

I’m a poly advocate. I spend a lot of time on polyamory, analyzing family structures, thinking about what works and what doesn’t, writing about it, talking about it. So, I have all this stuff organized in my head. Do you think that a suicidally depressed person who knows she’s not thinking clearly is gonna be a good person to be educating a psychological professional about her lifestyle in the throes of a crisis? (Hollow laugh).

As is my wont, I started thinking about my own experiences in terms of the poly community at large. I know for a fact I’m not the only poly person who has gotten depressed and landed in an emergency room. I tried to imagine not have at least some of a rote speech about the subject memorized. I tried to imagine that I was not an advocate ¨ that polyamory as a theory just didn’t take UP that much of my thought process because I was busy having a life with my loves. (Not that I don’t, mind, but my career is the poly community when it comes down to it). But say I were a waitress or an engineer or a computer programmer or a lawyer? In a crisis situation, would that person be able to explain his life in such a way as to get help that would actually be useful.

Possibly. But maybe not.

Frankly, I think it would be better if a person who needed psychological help did not have to routinely explain her lifestyle (I had to do it five times in the course of about 24 hours). So, do I have a proposal for a solution?

<GRIN> Why yes. (Is anyone surprised?)

I’m putting together a pamphlet with the help of some other poly activists and psychologists — yes, I’ll announce it! When it comes out, it’ll be in PDF format and free for the download to print up and distribute. Me? I think it needs to go to medical schools, departments of psychology in colleges, hospital psychology departments, and therapists’ offices. If you wanna do a little poly activism that will do a lot of good and not take much time, this would be a quick-n-easy thing to do.

Updates as they happen.

In the meantime, you might want to check out “What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory”. It’s quite good and can be very helpful. It’s not a pamphlet that one can get out there in an emergency, and is much more suited to long term therapy. I like it a lot.

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041009.html

Gather ye round little poly chillun, ’cause Mama Java has about had it up to her eyeballs wit da nonsense.

Polyamory is not about:

• Nudism
• Tantra
• Religion
• Heinlein
• Politics

Let’s start with nudism.   Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that a lot of people who are really hard core nudists/naturists feel that liking to run around in the altogether is a freeing experience.   Fine.   Enjoy.   Just don’t try to link it with polyamory, ‘kay?   Mama Java likes her salwar kameezes and isn’t stripping down around non-intimates.   Mama Java doesn’t want to consider all the world her intimates, either.   She thinks the general run of humanity is worthy of kindness, yes.   Respect and dignity, certainly.   Only her intimates get to see her boobies.   ‘Nuff said.   Doesn’t make her any less poly.

How about Tantra?   Friends, Tantra is not about having more or even better sex.   It is a spiritual practice for which you do not, I repeat do not have to be polyamorous.   Many, many monogamous people practice Tantra.   It is about honoring your partner and making a spiritual connection.  Certainly one can practice Tantra and making connections as a poly person as well as a monogamous person. This does not mean that one has to be either to practice it.

In fact, no spiritual practice is necessary at all to be poly. Polyamory is not about Wicca, or any other form of neo-paganism!   Yes, I’m a Heathen, myself, but polyamorous people come from all sorts of religious paths.   I personally know Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Wiccans, and Atheists who are poly.   Early Gnostic Christians were poly (yes they had spouses in common, look it up), the Old Norse weren’t.   Don’t hang poly on your religion, kiddies, and don’t try to hang your religions or spiritual practices on poly.   They’re not one in the same.

Heinlein…   I should have put this particular peeve first as it is one of my strongest.   Most of the people who try to base their philosophy of polyamory on Heinlein have read one book by the man — Stranger in a Strange Land.   Was it a brilliant book?   Oh my word, yes!   But it seems to me that most people who try to base their idea of polyamory on the book just plain didn’t understand it or what Heinlein was getting at in general with his work, according to letters he had published about the subject.   Heinlein wrote over forty books, and his philosophy clearly had evolved over a career lasting nearly half a century.   It is also necessary to remember that Mr. Heinlein himself commented that his first objective in any fiction he wrote was to entertain.   While many people, including myself, found his work philosophically profound, he himself was horrified at anyone trying to live according to his fiction. “I was not giving answers. I was trying to shake the reader loose from some preconceptions and induce him to think for himself, along new and fresh lines. In consequence, each reader gets something different out of that book because he himself supplies the answers . . . . It is an invitation to think — not to believe.”

Polyamory is not about any specific political movement, either.   I’m a pretty hard core Libertarian and I live in what is essentially a commune, and I am politically active.   The only thing this has to do with poly is trying to get marriage and family law expanded to the point where there are more options available to poly people.  But, I don’t assume that a poly person shares my political views.  I’ve dated Socialists, and know plenty of poly pacifists, as well as some militant sorts I just plain wouldn’t wanna cross.   Believe it or not, there are plenty of politically conservative polyamorists, just as there are plenty of politically conservative monogamists.   Honey, polyamory is not the answer to World Peace, and isn’t going to make people stop fighting each other.   It doesn’t make people stop acting like people!

What polyamory is, or should be, is about being able to love more than one person sexually or romantically.   That’s it.   Not complex.   Not saving the world, no incense (though I could do with some good sandalwood right now!), you don’t have to take your clothes off, and nobody has to live in a nest where we’re all water-brothers.   You get to pick your own path.

Just don’t be trying to tell me I oughta be walking with ya to be poly, ‘kay?