The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040925.html

In an attempt to Do My Duty to the Polyamorous Community, I requested of the faithful and passionately interested readers of my blog to help me out with something to rant about. (Translation: Mama Java has been boring her readership to tears whining about her lack of interesting subject matter for the Misanthrope column).

In their kindness and infinite generosity (Translation: They responded to shut the old bat up), I was given several amusing things to rant about, among which was this little gem:

So, I’m a 43 year old man and I have a 22 year old girl, um, I mean woman, from the office that I have been dating for the last nine months.  How do I turn my wife polyamorous so she will let Bambi move in.  (BTW — We will be blessed with a child in just under 5 months.) I know that the women will love each other too if they just get to know each other.  They might even want to DO each other. I’d love that.

So, what do you think I should do to make them all do what I want?

This falls into the “If I didn’t laugh, I’d weep.” category for several reasons.  One: It’s funny.  Why is it funny?  ’Cause it happens (hence the weeping, too, ’cause it’s pretty tragic when you look at it).  Two, it doesn’t happen that damned often. and the poly community is insanely suspicious of it.

As a community, we’re often very quick to assume someone is getting into polyamory from bad motives.  This comes from several places that I can see.   Almost any poly person has been burned by the assumption that we’re into it for the sex alone, that we’ve coerced our partners into it, and that we’re screwing up our kids.  Makes us sensitive, it does, and scared that one of those people are going to get involved in polyamory and Make Us All Look Bad.

While I understand the sensitivity, oh God do I ever, I am concerned.  The prickliness is not helping in terms of education. Yeah, we all roll our eyes at the clueless.  I do it, you do it.

Is it helping?

You might point out that you don’t really give a rip.  That’s okay, mind.  You don’t exactly owe the polyamorous community one whit of your time, energy, thoughtfulness or wisdom.  You really don’t .  But, if you consider yourself an activist, or consider yourself someone to whom education about polyamory is important, you might want to rethink your stance at least a little when it comes to the Horny Net Geek, the Completely Clueless, and that ever so charming of all — the Seeker of the Hot Bi Babe.

What’s your goal?  Is it to educate?  Is it to feel superior?  Is it that you have no goal at all, but are frustrated with feeling lumped in with people you don’t admire?  It might do some good to look at this carefully.

I can just hear some of you guys going, “Hey now waitaminute, oh hypocritical Goddess of Java (or should we say Goddess of Sarcasm )! I’ve seen you rip on people looking for Hot Bi Babes.  And the crispness to which you toast someone who says that cheating is a form of polyamory would put a dragon to shame!  Where in hell do you get off with preachin’ the sweetness and light routine?”

Friends, ya live and learn… <grin> and as my beloved mentor will add, “or ya don’t live long.”  It isn’t that I don’t find great release and satisfaction in going off on some idiot who righteously deserves it.  I do.  The problem is judgment.  If the person might be receptive to a little education, the pleasure of the flambé is better laid aside, since my real purpose is to help, for heaven’s sake!

Naw, I’ll never be all sweetness and light.  Ain’t my style.  But, trying to make sure my message gets across most certainly is.

Originally published at 

 http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040703.html

Many people in various alternative lifestyle communities (my own writings leap to mind) like to go to some lengths to try to explain that we really are “Just Like You”. Domesticity is often discussed — the activities of dinner around the dining room table, the taking out of trash, the fact we have jobs and pay bills — “Just Like You”.

I give up. Oh sure, we take out the trash, do laundry and pay bills. So what? That’s maintenance. That doesn’t make us “just alike”.

We’re not the same. I know why the assertion existed. I did it, myself. It was to try to gain some acceptance. It was to point out that we have our lives and live them as consciously as many.

Fuggetabouit!

Yeah, we want acceptance, but part of that is going to come from the realization that having to consult a calendar to know who sleeps where and with whom is okay. That there are going to be times when the whole family does not travel together, or share the same religion, or yes, you might actually have to meet three other people to get an okay to date someone.

You really want to realize that yes, we are different, take a walk down memory lane to a party I attended recently.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day. The Pagans (no, not all poly people are pagan, but many are) are Not Wearing Green. Drink is flowing, Irish music is playing, there’s a Guinness to be quaffed and Irish stew for the belly. People are laughing and having a good time.

The party seems mostly to be in two rooms — the kitchen and the living room. In the living room, in lieu of a sofa, there is a mattress covered with pillows and cool looking throws. I had been in the kitchen, but hear The Beast laugh, pop my head in and see him lying on the mattress with four woman. Just talking. No, this was not an orgy.

But, of course, I cannot refrain from needling my delightful Beast. Oh no. I call out very loudly to my wife, “Hey, looks like The Beast has found himself new additions to a harem.”

“Oh?” says my wife.

“Yeah. There’s an orgy going on in the living room.”

From the living room, a clearly female voice protested, “No, it’s my harem!”

At this party were some people who were Not Poly — in a couple of cases, they were people that a friend of the hostess had brought, so it is quite possible that they had never even heard of the concept.

I drifted to the living room to chat with the people in the cuddle pile, but did not join it. My wife drifted in and did join it. The people who did not know us well all stayed in the kitchen, clearly uncomfortable and a little freaked out by the orgy joke and wondering what in the world was going on in the living room. They did peek in to see the cuddle pile on the mattress and wound up skipping out some time rather soon after that, clearly uncomfortable.

It’s little things like that.

This is not to say that we are special somehow because we are different. We’re not, m’kay? We’ve chosen lives that will lead us in paths that are standard ones. That’s okay. For the most part, these differences are not going to be noticed, commented upon or even cared about. My boss doesn’t give a rip about my sex life, for instance, or that I meet different people for lunch all the time, or that I have rather a wide range of pix in my family gallery. Nope, she wants to know that I got the filing done on time and will be able to answer the darned phone! Am I going to explain to her about poly? No need. Not hiding, mindja. My boyfriend comes to visit my office from time to time, and if she asked about it, I’d tell her. But, it’s just not pertinent to the situation at hand.

Originally posted on

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope200403.html

Gather ye round, little poly chillun, ’cause Mama Java’s got something to say to all of you.

A lot of you poly people, in an attempt to explain that you’re not hedonistic sluts with the morals and sexual code of an alley cat talk about how hard relationships can be. The thing is, you’ve gotten yourself too caught up in your subculture and you’re losing sight of the Big Picture.

All good relationships take a lot of work. The skills necessary to maintain a good poly relationship are actually not appreciably different from the skills required to maintain a good monogamous marriage, a good friendship or a good relationship with one’s children.

My fondness for terseness says that it could boil down to one word: Love.

However, let me explain. Love is one of those very simple and basic things that refracts into incredibly complex ramifications.

Whenever you interact with someone, you need to ask yourself, “Is this the loving thing to do?” That’s not to say always nice, sweet, kind and gentle. Sometimes it is, mind. Even often. But any parent can tell you that this is not always so. When your child is screaming that he wants frosted cake instead of carrot sticks, you have to go into Thoughtful Mode. “Hmmm… well, Little Johnny hasn’t really had a sugary treat in the past week, so no it’s not going to hurt him to have a slice of cake for snack today, but I don’t want to reward the screaming, either. I want him to state his wants calmly. Now what?”

That’s an example of love in dealing with a child. It’s the time and attention and focus on welfare.

That’s going to look different when dealing with an adult, of course. You’re Not Da Mama there. (Yes, yes, I know. I referred to myself as Mama Java earlier. Do as I say, not as I do. Jeez!) Thankfully, blissfully, it is not your job to teach an adult with whom you have a relationship how to be a grownup. But, the time, focus, attention and learning are the same and come from the same place.

It doesn’t really matter the relationship or the form. The only reason that people do get up in arms about the whole poly thing really is a cultural hang-up about sex. Your relationships as a poly person really aren’t harder. You’re just romantically involved with more people. A monogamous person who is focused on being loving in his relationship is going to go to the same trouble you are and is going to have the same issues with learning to communicate well, and is going to have to go through the same process in focusing on being a truly loving, involved parent, spouse or friend.