The Polyamorous Misanthrope

This time, I’d like to hear from anyone that wants to sound off on the subject.

I see the phrase “Love has no boundaries” frequently.  Frankly, I do have a reaction to that (which if you read this much, you’d probably guess).  But I want anyone who wants to tell me to let me know what they think of the expression and why.

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Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041225.html

Well, honestly? I think a lot of people who complain about not having any holiday spirit do so because they don’t feel that they’re festive enough, rather than accepting whatever level of festiveness they happen to feel at the moment. I mean, you’re not going to feel wonderful just because it happens to be a holiday. — Me, in a conversation with a close friend

Mama Java, she loves Christmas. A lot. It’s her birthday, and she was named for it, after all. Now, I’ve known a lot of people who don’t like the holiday season. In spite of my own love of it, I can understand. Christmas, by its name, is considered a Christian holiday, and the non-Christians often feel overshadowed. They don’t get the day off for Solstice, or they feel sick of the manger scenes, their religion doesn’t necessarily have all that big of a winter festival, the menorah lights have been cold for days, or the family gathering where they’re getting picked on for their religion. That’s no picnic. Then there’s the commercialism, the pressure to buy and buy and buy, and the wondering how you’re going to afford all this, the fear that you’re going to leave someone important out on your gift list. You feel guilty if you get your kids too little; feel guilty if you give your kids too much stuff. You get loaded down with knickknacks that mean nothing to you. Then there’s the hectic schedule — the holiday concerts and parties and visits to and from relatives. Relatives. There’s a can of worms all in and of itself! You feel guilty if you don’t go to see people you’re related to. You feel guilty if you do go and aren’t thrilled. It can be a real mess.^* I really do think that we often (myself included) miss the real meaning of the season — no matter your religion or lack thereof.

I have always thought of Christmas as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

– Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Do we always do this? Of course not. We’re human beings and we’re not perfect. But to me, the holiday season, what with the light coming back at Solstice, the anticipation of a rebirth and renewal of spirit is a time to remember and recommit to open the heart, to honor the ties we value, and to be open to what really matters in life — the love that we do hold for people in our lives. What are some things one can do to honor the actual spirit of this time of the year?

• Don’t try to have “the perfect holiday”.Poly families are notoriously blended families. You know, you may have had a certain ornament you just had to hang in a certain place and if you didn’t, you feel like the holiday is spoiled, but your partners probably did not grow up with this specific tradition. Don’t be too focused on How the Holiday Should Be. Be open to celebrating in different ways.
• Let go of holiday guiltMaybe you don’t have much money, and aren’t going to be able to buy much. Maybe you’re going through a bad time personally. You don’t have to make that gingerbread train with the hand made candy lake, ice skaters and train station. If you’re in the mood, great. If not, don’t feel guilty.
• Don’t let the joy of the holiday be dependant on how other people act

There’s not a thing wrong with lighting a candle and mediating on the season, or playing a meaningful game with the kids (and letting go of the expectation of whether or not they’re going to have bright, shining innocent faces, or if they’re going to be whiny, sugar-hyper little brats), playing an album that means a lot to you (by the way Christmas Eve and Other Stories is flat out my favorite seasonal album. ROCKS, ROCKS, I tell you!), or anything special that doesn’t require a lot of externals. For me, at least, the thing that matters most is what is in the heart. Don’t let your Holiday happiness rely on whether or not Uncle Jim gets drunk like he does every damned year and starts getting obnoxious.

• If you’re feeling Scroogish, let go of any guilt about it.

If it just isn’t your thing, it isn’t. That’s okay.

In the end, it’s not about religion, it’s not about money. It’s the heart. It’s always the heart and the joy and celebration of life and light and birth and love. In the words of The Ghost of Christmas Present:

Come in! Come in, and know Me better, Man!

^*How does this relate to poly? Multiply the loves, in-laws, out-laws, kids and family and you get it times ten. At least!

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I recently made the assertion in my infinite wisdom and exquisitely refined good taste that in general, poly poetry is Vogon poetry.

So, here’s your chance to prove me wrong.  Write a poly poem that’s actually good and post it here. I’ll tell you whether I think it’s Vogon Poetry or not.   I really will, so if you’ll crumble at your glistening words being dismissed as worthy only of Vogonity, don’t risk it.

Who’s game?

In an attack of conscience, I have to toss out one of my own, I suppose. Feel free to pass judgement on the Vogonity:

Mistress

I know it’s politically incorrect
As a poly woman I should expect
To be an OSO
A Girlfriend
Maybe even a Lover.

But I want the titillation –
An unrealistic expectation
To be little Shock
A Naughtiness
Maybe even your mistress.

© 2004, Noël Lynne Figart

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I know I haven’t been updating much.  There are several reasons for this.  The biggest is that one can only say, “Don’t be a fucking idiot” in so many ways before the message begin to get a little monotonous.

The other is that I’ve been leading a life so devoid of drama that I’m not analyzing much about relationships.   Here’s the rub:  What the poly community does really need is a good picture of what good multiple relationships can look like.

First and foremost,communication really is crucial.  Communication doesn’t have to be these long, drawn-out relationship analysis sessions.  If you’ve let it get that far, you need to learn to communicate better.  Communication involves things like, “I’ve got a big meeting that I need to drive to, so I need the car early Thursday morning.”  or “Honey, those spontanious foot rubs you’ll give?  I love those and feel really cherished when you do that.” or “Sugar, when your boyfriend comes over, would you please change the sheets when he leaves?”  It’s like washing the dishes immediately after dinner before they get crusty.  If you do it in little bits regularly, you keep on top of it without a lot of nonsense.

When it’s working you don’t have this sense of urgency.  You’ll certainly feel a sense of joy and excitement about your relationships from time to time. What you don’t have is the drama of a movie or romance novel, where everything is urgent and you feel like you’re hanging over the edge of a cliff in a life or death struggle.  Love is great, love is wonderful, love is the most important thing in the world.  Thing is, it’s not a life or death struggle.  If love is a struggle, you’ve got a lot of internal character work to do.  That’s okay, but don’t accept it as the norm.  It’s a flaw to be worked on.¹

When it’s working you’ve chosen people who will listen to you. However, I want to address the expression “You’re not listening!”  A lot of people use this incorrectly, assuming that if the person is listening carefully, they would immediately agree with exactly what they want.  That’s not the case.  Understanding is simply not the same thing as agreement.  I actually do have a significant disagreement with my partner about how a couple of things in our lives should be handled.   We’ve talked about it, and there have been boundaries that he’s okay with agreeing with and I’m okay with accepting.   The difference comes from a fundamental difference in our characters and values.   The reason it’s not a source of conflict², is because we both understand that it’s okay for us to have this difference of opinion.  When I brought up the concern, my partner most certainly did listen.  Then explained his point of view.    We thought about it awhile, and what we really fundamentally wanted out of the situation.  When we both were able to get to the heart of what we wanted, we were able to see a clear set of boundaries that did respect both opinions.   Of course that doesn’t always happen.  I could see a “no deal” situation occurring.  With good boundaries, sometimes you have to accept this is going to happen.

When it’s working you’ll feel free to speak up about what you want and what you don’t want.  You’ll be willing to say yes to things and you’ll be willing to say no to others without playing a mental chess game before you’re comfortable speaking for fear of explosions.  You won’t be afraid that if you aren’t accommodating that you’ll lose your love.  On the other hand, you’ll find that there are plenty of things you’re completely happy to say yes to and won’t be pressured.  You probably won’t even notice it because it is working and the human mind tends to focus on solving problems rather than finding what’s working.

When it’s working, there’s going to be some fun from time to time.  Life isn’t all work and analysis and being all focused on seriousness.  When it’s working you and your partners will play from time to time.  I’m not just talking about sex here, though yeah, sex is great.  Is your pack of Munchkin cards gathering dust?  When’s the last time you ran around the yard with a set of water balloons and your loved ones or rolled down a grassy hill?

When it’s working, you might not even be thinking too much about it, because it is working and you’ve got other things on your mind than worrying about something that’s delightful!

²Disagreement and conflict aren’t the same thing, either.

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Hi, Goddess of Java,

I am a BIG fan of yours and I come to this site in times of need, loneliness or when other frustrations arise.

I am the 3rd in a triad of a married couple with 2 kids. I am very grateful to be able to love my new family and to be with them on a regular basis.

For almost 2 years, I have struggled with being the 5th wheel and the nanny of the “cover story”. For the most part, I have come to terms with it. Proudly, I am far less emotional about it than I used to be.

However, there are still moments that it bothers me (yay for me, I can admit it now, too). Especially around the holiday season when families gather with extended family for gatherings, I am reminded that I will never be recognized for who I truly am. It’s the subtle, little things that eat away at my emotions.

Having a cover story where you are the household servant is not a “subtle, little thing”.  It’s a big, blatant one.

There are definately situations in which you will not necessarily want to give the world every damn detail of your life.   I break with a lot of poly people when I say that I think there might be legitimate reasons why you might want to be personal about your personal life¹, and I don’t think the less of anyone who chooses that.

But, you’re being introduced as the household servant.  The only way I would ever consent to being introduced as “Java, our household’s Nanny” is if I were getting market rate financial compensation for actually doing that job!  If you’re being paid to be their Nanny, then that’s your job and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There are other ways around that where one does not have to be introduced in a way that looks like you’re the hired help if you’re not.  Say, “Java, who lives with us.”  If anyone is so ill-bred to ask why, an answer using Miss Manners’ classic horrified disdain works wonders.

No, you’ll probably never get the outside social respect of “wife” in the household, and certainly that’s painful.  The group marriage I lived in was mostly “out”, but even so, I’ve been in situations where I could not be socially recognized as a wife to one of my husbands, and it hurt.  I’m not trying to blow that off.  But you’re subtly being encouraged to accept considerably less respect than you deserve by being introduced as a servant when you’re not being paid to be one.

I’m not trying to paint your partners as the bad guys here.  I know in the part I edited out for the sake of space you mention that they’re very concered with being inclusive.  Since that’s so, I bet they’d be open to talking about your concerns about the dynamic and the three of you could certainly put your heads together to come up with something that’d make you all a lot happier.

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We complain all the time about the Internet driving us apart, making us more distant from each other.  We talk about Internet friendships not being so “real”.

I want to tell you about a friendship that I have.  It’s totally online. I’ve never met this person in real life at all. But when I was suffering a mental breakdown, she was there with kindness, wisdom and the occasional joke to lift my spirits.  When my family fell apart, she generous in explaining how she has dealt with emotional and relationship problems and how she learned to craft her life.  Even if it has been a textual friendship, an LJ friendship, I treasure it.  I’m here to say, roadnotes, you rock and I am grateful for your generosity.  Through roadnotes, I friended her partner baldanders.  Through his posts I’ve learned a great deal about music, politics and the arts in general.  He’s Good People and quite worthy of such a cool woman.

baldanders has had a stroke and is still in the hospital.  He is self-employed and has no insurance, so not only is there the catastrophic issue of his health, there is the financial issue of his care.

I’d like to call upon anyone whose life has been touched by someone online to give a little something if you can in honor of that to baldanders and roadnotes.  It’s amazing how tiny bits can add up, and they really do need a lot of help right now.  You can click on this link  to donate something.  Even a little bit counts.

If you haven’t anything (and I know times are rough), good thoughts and prayers are always welcome.

Thanks guys.

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Do you have something in you life that tweaks you, makes you reactive? (Hint: Most people do — ’spart of being human).

Maybe it’s Something Really Big. Maybe it’s a small tweak. It’ll become a filter, sometimes, and it’s funny how perfectly innocent stuff — even sweet and kind things, can sound just wrong when they’re put
through that filter. Then, you react and the reaction isn’t kind.

Try to stop that.

It is not the job of your loves to make up for your past rotten luck. Oh sure, people can be kind and gentle with the tender spots. I’m all for that. As I reiterate pretty consistently, love and kindness are important. Not blowing that off.

But, it’s your job to be loving and kind, too. Part of that is keep a close watch on those tweaky spots. Your loves don’t deserve the sharp end of all that nonsense.  Your rotten luck in life is yours to deal with.  The world does not owe you a makeup or a do over because of crappy stuff that’s happened to you.  You’re a grown-up and as a grown-up, it’s your responsibility to watch out for it, learn from it and deal.

Will you make mistakes?  Yep.  Hell, I did less than a month ago, said something sharp that wasn’t deserved and apologized for it.

But the apology isn’t the last step.  No, no, no.  Now I have another job.   It is my job, since I know I snapped at someone wrongly from a place in my own trauma, to keep an eye out and make a consistent and considered effort not to do that again. That person doesn’t deserve the fallout from my trauma. I don’t get a free pass to behave badly because I had something bad happen to me.

Sure, sure, past trauma can be a reason for misbehavior.  But just because there’s a reason for behavior doesn’t automatically make it okay.

This is not to say you can’t ask for consideration.  This is not to say that offering kindness and gentleness is a bad thing.  These things are good and wonderful.  Being kind and gentle with someone who has had a rough time, being understanding and forgiving?  Those are all great things to do.  If you feel moved to do so, go for it and bless you for your kindness.

But don’t think just because it’s great for someone else to be kind that it’s not great for you to do your best to do likewise.  Grok me?  Part of healing from trauma, part of the growing process, is to learn to keep from inflicting the emotional fallout on everyone else.

‘Cause, think about it.  These are people you love, right?  They don’t deserve the fallout from your trauma.

They deserve your best efforts to be loving, too!

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