Comments for The Polyamorous Misanthrope http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness Wed, 22 Feb 2012 06:30:05 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on On Being Out by Jericka http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2012/01/31/on-being-out/comment-page-1/#comment-70235 Jericka Wed, 22 Feb 2012 06:30:05 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=647#comment-70235 Some people know that I am poly, and others don't. Since I am a widowed female, my seeing more than one guy is mostly considered "not settling down" rather than actually noticed as being poly, unless I actually use the word. It helps that I am in a fairly diverse and populous area, rather than in a small town. I do keep it more quiet than I might be inclined to, but, that is because one guy that I am seeing is married and not all the way out. He and his wife are long time poly folk, but, even most of their close friends didn't know. He decided that he wanted to be able to include me in more activities and therefore they started coming out to more of their close friends. It was going ok, until the last couple they informed....the one they were stressing about telling. Apparently they got a response along the lines of, "we will continue to see you, but, we don't want to support your lifestyle in even an indirect fashion". *sigh* This is stressful for them, but, there isn't anything I can do except support. What I *want* to do is smack those supposed "friends" of theirs and tell them that that is not how you support your good friends, but, I suppose that would be counterproductive. Hopefully they will come around. Some people know that I am poly, and others don’t. Since I am a widowed female, my seeing more than one guy is mostly considered “not settling down” rather than actually noticed as being poly, unless I actually use the word. It helps that I am in a fairly diverse and populous area, rather than in a small town.

I do keep it more quiet than I might be inclined to, but, that is because one guy that I am seeing is married and not all the way out. He and his wife are long time poly folk, but, even most of their close friends didn’t know. He decided that he wanted to be able to include me in more activities and therefore they started coming out to more of their close friends. It was going ok, until the last couple they informed….the one they were stressing about telling. Apparently they got a response along the lines of, “we will continue to see you, but, we don’t want to support your lifestyle in even an indirect fashion”.

*sigh*

This is stressful for them, but, there isn’t anything I can do except support. What I *want* to do is smack those supposed “friends” of theirs and tell them that that is not how you support your good friends, but, I suppose that would be counterproductive. Hopefully they will come around.

]]> Comment on Embracing the Inner Hardass by Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/03/04/embracing-the-inner-hardass/comment-page-1/#comment-69890 Goddess of Java Fri, 17 Feb 2012 17:46:41 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=42#comment-69890 Uhhh... You're welcome? Out of curiosity, sweetie, if you're willing to say <em>why </em>you're grateful, I'd love to hear it. Uhhh… You’re welcome?

Out of curiosity, sweetie, if you’re willing to say why you’re grateful, I’d love to hear it.

]]> Comment on Embracing the Inner Hardass by Peter http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/03/04/embracing-the-inner-hardass/comment-page-1/#comment-69886 Peter Fri, 17 Feb 2012 17:24:31 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=42#comment-69886 I never thanked you for this article, did I? Thank you. I never thanked you for this article, did I? Thank you.

]]> Comment on Disclosure When On the Prowl by Jericka http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2012/02/14/disclosure-when-on-the-prowl/comment-page-1/#comment-69595 Jericka Thu, 16 Feb 2012 00:22:22 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=658#comment-69595 Ah, OKCupid. I have a soft spot for it because I met a Love there that otherwise I probably would never have encountered. The timing was excellent. My metamour is lovely. Life is, for the moment, lovely and busy. Which leaves me ignoring the OkCupid account, most of the time. Sometimes I feel like looking, and sometimes I talk about the offers that I get with my loves. Some guys see the poly mention on my profile and seem to think it means that I will sleep with anyone, when really it means that I'm not looking for anyone who is less awesome than the loves I already have in my life! Sometimes I think that I leave the profile up mostly so that my loves can point me out to a prospective partner...something like what happened when I started out and wanted reassurance that I wasn't a secret, that his wife was really poly as well and ok with me. If a partner of mine were actively looking, it would be nice to know. I like to know the moods and habits of my friends and lovers. However, I trust them to be safe, and that is the main thing for me. If someone in this group were messing around with someone who avoided condoms or did things that risked the rest of us, I would mind. Otherwise, if they are having fun, great! Ah, OKCupid. I have a soft spot for it because I met a Love there that otherwise I probably would never have encountered. The timing was excellent. My metamour is lovely. Life is, for the moment, lovely and busy.

Which leaves me ignoring the OkCupid account, most of the time. Sometimes I feel like looking, and sometimes I talk about the offers that I get with my loves. Some guys see the poly mention on my profile and seem to think it means that I will sleep with anyone, when really it means that I’m not looking for anyone who is less awesome than the loves I already have in my life! Sometimes I think that I leave the profile up mostly so that my loves can point me out to a prospective partner…something like what happened when I started out and wanted reassurance that I wasn’t a secret, that his wife was really poly as well and ok with me.

If a partner of mine were actively looking, it would be nice to know. I like to know the moods and habits of my friends and lovers. However, I trust them to be safe, and that is the main thing for me. If someone in this group were messing around with someone who avoided condoms or did things that risked the rest of us, I would mind. Otherwise, if they are having fun, great!

]]> Comment on Disclosure When On the Prowl by Silenus http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2012/02/14/disclosure-when-on-the-prowl/comment-page-1/#comment-69427 Silenus Tue, 14 Feb 2012 14:36:13 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=658#comment-69427 You might find these articles interesting: No better than going to bars: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/12/opinion/sunday/online-dating-sites-dont-match-hype.html?_r=3&partner=rss&emc=rss In Defense of, Helen Fisher: http://bigthink.com/ideas/18579 You might find these articles interesting:

No better than going to bars:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/12/opinion/sunday/online-dating-sites-dont-match-hype.html?_r=3&partner=rss&emc=rss

In Defense of, Helen Fisher:
http://bigthink.com/ideas/18579

]]> Comment on Disclosure When On the Prowl by Silenus http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2012/02/14/disclosure-when-on-the-prowl/comment-page-1/#comment-69425 Silenus Tue, 14 Feb 2012 14:14:39 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=658#comment-69425 I think it would be a good idea to let your partner know you are looking on OK cupid. It may be a good idea to tell them why. I was on OK cupid for about a half year because people on my local poly list dared me to try it. In your case, it may be you are really hungry for a new relationship, and if your partner(s) knew that, they might be helpful, or skeptical, or give you other useful feedback. In my case, my partners know I'm always open to new relationships, but not necessarily looking that hard. I also think it is a good idea to be as clear as possible about what your preferences are and who you are looking for. You'll get far fewer inquiries, but the ones you get will be worth following up on. I was very explicit about who I was and what I liked. I got a couple of hits, one was a dud, the other was fun for a few months until she decided poly wasn't for her. I think it would be a good idea to let your partner know you are looking on OK cupid. It may be a good idea to tell them why. I was on OK cupid for about a half year because people on my local poly list dared me to try it. In your case, it may be you are really hungry for a new relationship, and if your partner(s) knew that, they might be helpful, or skeptical, or give you other useful feedback. In my case, my partners know I’m always open to new relationships, but not necessarily looking that hard.

I also think it is a good idea to be as clear as possible about what your preferences are and who you are looking for. You’ll get far fewer inquiries, but the ones you get will be worth following up on. I was very explicit about who I was and what I liked. I got a couple of hits, one was a dud, the other was fun for a few months until she decided poly wasn’t for her.

]]> Comment on On Being Out by Bianca Palmisano http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2012/01/31/on-being-out/comment-page-1/#comment-69295 Bianca Palmisano Sun, 12 Feb 2012 23:26:19 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=647#comment-69295 I'm in the curious situation of being out-out at work, and semi-out everywhere else. I have another poly coworker, and the rest of my team is very open and accepting, so I never really worry about it there. However, I'm hesitant to talk about my poly-ness with people in person because I'm really a poly person in an open relationship with restrictions, rather than in a full-out poly partnership. It's a very delicate balancing act, where my partner wishes to maintain privacy as much as possible. So my close friends know what we are open, and some acquaintances have inklings about the matter, but I don't offer definitions unless I'm asked. My mom and sister also know, which is lovely, and anyone with the ability to track my blog commenting would be able to find out. I don't know where that leaves me- probably not as out as I'd like to be, but comfortably so. I’m in the curious situation of being out-out at work, and semi-out everywhere else. I have another poly coworker, and the rest of my team is very open and accepting, so I never really worry about it there.

However, I’m hesitant to talk about my poly-ness with people in person because I’m really a poly person in an open relationship with restrictions, rather than in a full-out poly partnership. It’s a very delicate balancing act, where my partner wishes to maintain privacy as much as possible. So my close friends know what we are open, and some acquaintances have inklings about the matter, but I don’t offer definitions unless I’m asked.

My mom and sister also know, which is lovely, and anyone with the ability to track my blog commenting would be able to find out. I don’t know where that leaves me- probably not as out as I’d like to be, but comfortably so.

]]> Comment on A Can of Worms: Polyamory Definitions by Storm http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2011/12/11/a-can-of-worms-polyamory-definitions/comment-page-1/#comment-69062 Storm Thu, 09 Feb 2012 05:49:38 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=607#comment-69062 thank you for sharing, your name caught my eye, and your journey is inspiring, and the love you have to give seems to mirror my own love. i believe that our ability to love more than one makes us a vessel for a universal energy that each living thing strives for. thank you for sharing, your name caught my eye, and your journey is inspiring, and the love you have to give seems to mirror my own love. i believe that our ability to love more than one makes us a vessel for a universal energy that each living thing strives for.

]]> Comment on A Can of Worms: Polyamory Definitions by Storm http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2011/12/11/a-can-of-worms-polyamory-definitions/comment-page-1/#comment-69061 Storm Thu, 09 Feb 2012 05:44:27 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=607#comment-69061 in my experiences, i have had both sexual and non sexual relationships with my multiple "friends".. when you have that deep committed relationship with multiple people that is with more than friendship and more than physical interactions, i would declare to be polyamourous. for me, it isnt about sex. it is about the depth of the relationship. in my experiences, i have had both sexual and non sexual relationships with my multiple “friends”..
when you have that deep committed relationship with multiple people that is with more than friendship and more than physical interactions, i would declare to be polyamourous. for me, it isnt about sex. it is about the depth of the relationship.

]]> Comment on You Have to Choose by Jericka http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2012/02/07/you-have-to-choose/comment-page-1/#comment-69053 Jericka Thu, 09 Feb 2012 02:15:51 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=652#comment-69053 "monogamists often believe that it is impossible, or insincere, or unnatural to openly and honestly love more than one person at a time" I was married for nearly 10 years, monogamously, and this sums my husband's attitude up neatly. One of our most painful disagreements was over an online friendship of mine that he found threatening. He asked that I cut the person off, completely, and then tell no one why. I didn't understand why he was threatened, because to me, this had nothing to do with my love for my husband. It wasn't a threat! But he just couldn't wrap his head around it, and so I did as he asked. Though I did notice that he didn't want me to tell anyone about this fight of ours because he apparently did realize that it could make him look jealous....and insecure. Our marriage was supposed to be more solid and ideal than that. So, now I have very sensitive jealousy radar. I don't EVER want to be in that very painful position ever again. I want my partners to be happy, with whoever, and I want them to be relaxed about me seeing and loving others. Now, how to move to poly from mono? I also don't have a clue. I started over from single. I did not negotiate the move to poly with a partner. My current partners have been poly longer than I have been. I don't know what to say to help or console someone who really believes that there can be only one true love. I didn't manage it myself. “monogamists often believe that it is impossible, or insincere, or unnatural to openly and honestly love more than one person at a time”

I was married for nearly 10 years, monogamously, and this sums my husband’s attitude up neatly. One of our most painful disagreements was over an online friendship of mine that he found threatening. He asked that I cut the person off, completely, and then tell no one why. I didn’t understand why he was threatened, because to me, this had nothing to do with my love for my husband. It wasn’t a threat! But he just couldn’t wrap his head around it, and so I did as he asked. Though I did notice that he didn’t want me to tell anyone about this fight of ours because he apparently did realize that it could make him look jealous….and insecure. Our marriage was supposed to be more solid and ideal than that.

So, now I have very sensitive jealousy radar. I don’t EVER want to be in that very painful position ever again. I want my partners to be happy, with whoever, and I want them to be relaxed about me seeing and loving others.

Now, how to move to poly from mono? I also don’t have a clue. I started over from single. I did not negotiate the move to poly with a partner. My current partners have been poly longer than I have been.

I don’t know what to say to help or console someone who really believes that there can be only one true love. I didn’t manage it myself.

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