My husband and I have been discussing polyamory over the past couple months. I feel comfortable with the idea, and I know we communicate very well with each other. I am actually concerned about how my reactions could possibly hurt his relationships. I know I have had jealousy issues in the past, which I think come from fears of abandonment or neglect. I believe I am past that point, and I trust the relationship with my husband, but nothing has happened that I think would have provoked that ‘jealous’ reaction. I don’t want my husband to find someone he can have a good relationship with, and end up having to break it off and potentially hurt another person’s feelings because I become upset or jealous. Is this a normal concern for people in polyamorous relationships?

Yes, it’s quite a normal concern. How the two of you handle your relationships between you is definitely a matter you need to settle between yourselves.  I cannot discourage enough, however, from mapping “I feel jealous” to “you have to break it off with the other partner”.

Yes, you need to be able to say if you’re lonely, and trust that you’ll be able to be listened to.  I’m not saying to suck it up or suffer in silence.  I’m saying bring things up to your partner.  The theory is that you guys love each other, right?  A very good thing to do in a poly relationship is for everyone on all sides to do their best to concentrate on that part.  It really helps nudge everyone into treating each other well.

In my own relationships “I feel jealous” (and yes, of course it has happened) does not map to “you must break it off”. It leads to discussion. Sometimes it’s that I am feeling insecure. Sometimes it really is because a partner is ignoring our own relationship for the new and shiny.   Sometimes it can be an indication of another relationship issue that’s serious.  It can be from many roots, some of them internal, and some not.   It would be a bad idea to assume either way.

But make no mistake. Polyamory is most certainly a risk. (Not that monogamy isn’t, it’s just that the risk is more obvious in a poly relationship). I encourage you to look into yourself and think about where you feel good and secure, where you don’t and where you feel your strengths and joys lie.

Good luck!

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For those of you who are poly and have had children born into your poly circles, I’m wondering how it affected you?  What changes did you see in your poly lives?  Were they the same changes as the ones you anticipated or were you blindsided?

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I see the phrase “Love has no boundaries” frequently.  Frankly, I do have a reaction to that (which if you read this much, you’d probably guess).  But I want anyone who wants to tell me to let me know what they think of the expression and why.

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I’ve never been too happy with this one.  The implication is that sleeping with someone means you’ve rights over them.  I don’t care if you’re monogamous or polyamorous, this one is obnoxious!

Just because you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t mean you can:

1. Try to become their band manager.

When I speak of trying to become their band manager, I mean that as a kind of blanket euphemism for trying to manage any point in their professional lives.  It’s just that the classic example of this is the girl starting to date a musician and then wanting to manage the guy’s band.

Yes, when you get into relationships, you do want to entwine your lives.  I get that.  But wait to be asked.

2. Manage old, long-term relationships for them.

This part may seem poly-specific, but it’s not.  For monogamous examples, think of dating someone and then trying to help them manage their relationships with their parents – either trying to reconcile or defending the person against them.

In polyamorous situations, for goodness sakes, don’t try to help someone with his problems with long-term relationships!  I’m not encouraging you to be heartless, but if you haven’t known someone for more than five years, chances are slim that you have the whole picture.  If you’re dealing with new and shiny, you can’t possibly have all the facts to give good enough advice.

3. Get them to make a Life Change.

It’s one thing to want someone you love to Be All That They Can Be.  It’s quite another to immediately start encouraging them to go back to school, make a career change, blah, blah, blah.  This is especially true when you start offering to help with applications, business forms or whatever.  Don’t.  Just don’t.  It’s fine to listen and find out what the other person wants, but sleeping with them doesn’t give you a right to manage that sort of thing for them.

I get that you might think they’re in a Relationship That’s Bad for Them.  Might even be true.  Even so, wait to be asked.  Seriously.

When you are in a relationship, you have these rights:

1. You may ask for what you want.

No, you don’t get rights over another person’s time.  You do get to ask for what you want, and in fact if you want a good relationship, you’ll do exactly that.

2. You may set boundaries.

I’m not going to go into a big lecture about boundaries.  A lot of my columns talk about them.  Click here for a series.  The basic takeaway is that a boundary is about what behavior you’ll accept to be in a relationship.  But, it doesn’t tell the other person how to behave.  Yes, that’s subtle, and I spend thousands of words analyzing the difference in other columns.

The point here is that I think that translating some very, very wrong monogamous norms into polyamorous situations really has the potential for a lot of wacky hijinks that might be fun to watch on a comedy of errors.

But, dear oh Lord, you wouldn’t wanna live ‘em.

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This column is written by guest author Holly Bernabe.  She wrote it to try to help people posting sex or relationship ads to polyamorous discussion list why the list reaction tended to be less than stellar, and to help them be successful in finding the relationships they wanted.

I received your email/ad on my group list/social networking site, etc. And I’ve got some advice for you:

1. When looking for an addition, look locally. I’m likely in a state you aren’t in. You’re in BFE, wherever.  Why are you looking out of state? LDRs are possible, but pretty hard to accomplish.  Are you expecting the new person to move to your state?
2. Write intelligently. I don’t generally bother writing back to people who can’t write a full sentence with proper use of punctuation and spelling. I know in this day and age of IM-ing and cell phone text messaging, everything is getting dumbed down for sake of brevity. But in an email where you are introducing yourself, brevity is a MISTAKE. Brevity sounds like someone who has no education and is an idiot! For crying out loud, make an effort. First impressions are important. Is the first impression you want to leave your potential new spice with one of idiocy or laziness?
3. If you are going to bother to create a blanket email ad to post on a group list to try and find an addition to your family, add some detail to your email so you don’t look like a spambot. Blather on about your details and add some interesting quotes and so on so that we have some way of judging who the heck you are, so that we can figure out whether or not we even want to give you the time of day, let alone get to know you. As it is, I have no idea what kind of music you like, what you like to do for fun, what movies you like, or anything else about you.  Your email is a meaningless blank slate.
4. Sign up for okCupid and let us know how to find you on that site.  That way, if people want to check you out some more, they can.  OkCupid is poly friendly and has some fun features.  Lots of poly people are signed up there, already.
5. If you have joined a poly list, ask the list some questions.  Join in on some discussions before you post your ad. Then we will know that you’ve even bothered to READ our list and that you really are interested and you aren’t just spamming thousands of people out there with generic messages in hopes by playing the numbers someone will bother to write back to you. If you had bothered to read our list, you would know we allow most any type of post–however, we PREFER discussion and don’t like personals ads very much that have no personal information.  If you had read our list at all, you likely wouldn’t have spammed our inboxes in the first place with your ad.
6. Read the discussions on our list and make friends.  Then privately, if you all really dig someone, and you think they might like you, too, you can pursue them off list, if you feel that is an appropriate course of action.

Follow those tips, and maybe you’ll have some luck on our list.

Tips To Couples Looking to Add an Additional Person Into Their Relationship

© 2010, Holly Bernabe, used by permission

Holly Bernabe is a film student and mom of two (five counting the fuzzbucket dog, the spastic cat and the hubby).  Her biggest wish in life is to figure out how to stop time, so that she can cram into the day everything (and everyone) that she wants to do.

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For the most part, it’s not actually illegal to be a pervert or anything, as long as you never have interaction with kids.  Well, if you’re poly and a parent, good God yes, you’re going to be interacting with children!  Yours.

Should this worry you?

It depends on a lot of things.  Where do you live?  Is it a conservative area?   Do people have a live and let live policy, or are they all up in your bidness?  What about your relatives?  Are there control issues going on?  Are you accepting significant financial support from them?[1]

But more than that, I want to point out one more thing, which is the big subject of my rant.

Are you a good parent?

Seriously, dewd.  Don’t get on your damn high horse until you’ve evaluated your parenting.  If being poly is interfering with being a good parent[2], then you have a more serious problem than poly persecution.

So to evaluate:

The Basics

• Are the children fed properly?
• Do they have clothing appropriate to the weather?
• Are they being educated appropriately? (sent to school regularly/homeschooled so that they keep up with grade level)
• Are they getting medical attention as necessary?

Not Basic, But Important

• Do they get appropriate attention?  This is a biggie.  When there is adult processing, sometimes kids’ needs can fall through the cracks.  Be very careful and wary of this one.  I wish I could sugar-coat it, but I can’t.
• Are they getting personal growth opportunities?  Are they learning an instrument, learning fun skills, learning Life 101 skills?
• Are they getting an opportunity to be involved in the community they live in?  Don’t isolate your kids because their household might be different.  They live in the real world and need to learn to relate to it.[3]

I’m not saying you have to be Superparent to justify being polyamorous.  You don’t.  But, dammit, do your job as a parent anyway.  Yes, it takes time.  Yes, you’re gonna screw up.  That doesn’t let you off the hook from consistently trying.

For those of you who have direct reason to worry about custody issues, I cannot recommend the following article highly enough. Even more, the organization, the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund.  It’s run by fantastic and caring woman, Valerie White.

Dos and Don’ts to Avoid Custody Challenges.

[2] And by God, it can.  Don’t try to wiggle out of being a good parent by claiming poly persecution or Mama Java will have to get all strict on your butt.

[3] And maybe even change it for the better!

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FWB, Button and I got together this weekend.  *chuckles* I need to see them more often, as it seems that a visit from them is sure to inspire a poly column.  I suppose it’s the cross germination of ideas.  The Prince and I have been together[1] for twenty years and have been poly the whole time, so it’s not like polyamory is something we discuss or analyze as often as other subjects.

FWB is pretty successful at “getting the ladies”, if you want to look at it that way, and one of the men he knows was admiring this fact and wondering how he did it. No, it’s not about movie star good looks, nor is it all being about Mr. Cool.

FWB simply enjoys the company of women. This is significantly different from liking getting laid[2].  He enjoys the conversation, the hanging out, just enjoys interacting with women as people.

I know men, men that are as strictly heterosexual as FWB, that really don’t like hanging out with women all that much.  Pussy?  My God yes, they love that.  But to get it, it’s almost as if they’re diving into this strange and uncomfortable world that they tolerate to get a drug or something.  Myself, I think it’s a little tragic they’re not sexually attracted to men.  They’d be happier.

I’ve noticed this almost across the board.  The men I’ve known who are quite successful at multiple relationships with women are invariably interested in women in and out of bed.  They tended to find the woman’s mind as fascinating as her body.  None of the men I am thinking of would fit the “Sensitive New Age Guy” stereotype, either.  They’re all intelligent, dynamic, opinionated people.  Some are courtly, others aren’t.   Some are laid back, others have a bit of a temper.  Some have really “alpha” personalities, others don’t.  The one characteristic they seem to have in common is that simple enjoyment of female company.

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http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041225.html

Well, honestly? I think a lot of people who complain about not having any holiday spirit do so because they don’t feel that they’re festive enough, rather than accepting whatever level of festiveness they happen to feel at the moment. I mean, you’re not going to feel wonderful just because it happens to be a holiday. — Me, in a conversation with a close friend

Mama Java, she loves Christmas. A lot. It’s her birthday, and she was named for it, after all. Now, I’ve known a lot of people who don’t like the holiday season. In spite of my own love of it, I can understand. Christmas, by its name, is considered a Christian holiday, and the non-Christians often feel overshadowed. They don’t get the day off for Solstice, or they feel sick of the manger scenes, their religion doesn’t necessarily have all that big of a winter festival, the menorah lights have been cold for days, or the family gathering where they’re getting picked on for their religion. That’s no picnic. Then there’s the commercialism, the pressure to buy and buy and buy, and the wondering how you’re going to afford all this, the fear that you’re going to leave someone important out on your gift list. You feel guilty if you get your kids too little; feel guilty if you give your kids too much stuff. You get loaded down with knickknacks that mean nothing to you. Then there’s the hectic schedule — the holiday concerts and parties and visits to and from relatives. Relatives. There’s a can of worms all in and of itself! You feel guilty if you don’t go to see people you’re related to. You feel guilty if you do go and aren’t thrilled. It can be a real mess.^* I really do think that we often (myself included) miss the real meaning of the season — no matter your religion or lack thereof.

I have always thought of Christmas as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

– Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Do we always do this? Of course not. We’re human beings and we’re not perfect. But to me, the holiday season, what with the light coming back at Solstice, the anticipation of a rebirth and renewal of spirit is a time to remember and recommit to open the heart, to honor the ties we value, and to be open to what really matters in life — the love that we do hold for people in our lives. What are some things one can do to honor the actual spirit of this time of the year?

• Don’t try to have “the perfect holiday”.Poly families are notoriously blended families. You know, you may have had a certain ornament you just had to hang in a certain place and if you didn’t, you feel like the holiday is spoiled, but your partners probably did not grow up with this specific tradition. Don’t be too focused on How the Holiday Should Be. Be open to celebrating in different ways.
• Let go of holiday guiltMaybe you don’t have much money, and aren’t going to be able to buy much. Maybe you’re going through a bad time personally. You don’t have to make that gingerbread train with the hand made candy lake, ice skaters and train station. If you’re in the mood, great. If not, don’t feel guilty.
• Don’t let the joy of the holiday be dependant on how other people act

There’s not a thing wrong with lighting a candle and mediating on the season, or playing a meaningful game with the kids (and letting go of the expectation of whether or not they’re going to have bright, shining innocent faces, or if they’re going to be whiny, sugar-hyper little brats), playing an album that means a lot to you (by the way Christmas Eve and Other Stories is flat out my favorite seasonal album. ROCKS, ROCKS, I tell you!), or anything special that doesn’t require a lot of externals. For me, at least, the thing that matters most is what is in the heart. Don’t let your Holiday happiness rely on whether or not Uncle Jim gets drunk like he does every damned year and starts getting obnoxious.

• If you’re feeling Scroogish, let go of any guilt about it.

If it just isn’t your thing, it isn’t. That’s okay.

In the end, it’s not about religion, it’s not about money. It’s the heart. It’s always the heart and the joy and celebration of life and light and birth and love. In the words of The Ghost of Christmas Present:

Come in! Come in, and know Me better, Man!

^*How does this relate to poly? Multiply the loves, in-laws, out-laws, kids and family and you get it times ten. At least!

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1. If you’re thinking of coming out at a family gathering…. DON’T.

Good grief, have a heart!  I’m all in favor of being out, yes.  Yes, I think being truthful with one’s family is a great idea.  But you know what?  There’s a time and a place for emotionally charged conversations and it’s not when Dad’s got the knife and is carving the Thanksgiving turkey, ‘kay? If you’re going to come out before the holidays and all the gatherings, you’ve really only got a couple of weeks to do so to give ‘em time to adjust to the shock. Otherwise, go ahead and wait until after the New Year.

2. Having a heart doesn’t mean being a doormat.

In all things, moderation and balance are important.  You know those boundaries I keep pushing?  You don’t have to accept being called names, threats or anything of the like.  Have plans for a graceful retreat if things get hairy.

3. Be careful with assumptions.

It can be hard to predict how family will react. Give ‘em a chance to react well to you being poly. Who knows? You may find you were unnecessarily edgy.

4. Those communication techniques you learned for good poly relationships can apply to your birth family.

Good communication, good boundaries, a willingness to truly love? All those things are important outside of the fun romantic relationships, you know. You’ve spent a lot of time using and practicing them. Here’s a chance to practice even more. Love’s love, for pity’s sake, and the world needs loving people.  All relationships take work, care and focus.  Be willing to do the work.

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1. Don’t try to be a “good” poly person.

If you’ve been reading online material a lot, you may have developed an idea of what a good polyamorous person should be doing, and you may be trying to tie yourself into knots trying to do that.

Stoppit.  You’re allowed to work out between yourself and your loves what you all want your unique relationships to look like.  They don’t even have to be Polyamorous Misanthrope Approved¹ as long as all of you are happy in it.

2. Get over yourself.

Sure you want the world to be about you.  It ain’t.  Being ego-centric is a lousy way to have good relationships.   A little humility goes a long way.

3.  Believe your partners.

One of the biggest relationship monkey wrenches I ever encounter is the terrible habit of trying to interpret what a partner is thinking instead of paying attention to the actual words used.   If you act on what your partner actually says, you’re doing two things.  You’re not trying to mind-read (always a bad move, because you can get it badly wrong), and you’re training your partner to speak up and say what they genuinely mean.

4. Say what you mean as best you can.

Of course the flip side to #3 is that you need to say what you mean, too.  Yes, that means sometimes you’ll have to think before you speak and act.

5. Have fun.

Many people have this idea that relationships are deadly serious.  They’re not.  Important?  Sure.  But enjoy your partners.  Laugh.  Play.  Be silly.

6. Be willing to be vulnerable.

This can be really hard, ’specially if you’ve been hurt a lot.  Just be careful not to use that vulnerability as a club to beat someone with.   That’s not being genuinely vulnerable, anyway.  There’s another name for it and it’s Not Nice.

7. Be willing to be flexible.

Sure, there are some rigid dealbreakers in anyone’s life.  If you have more than three or four, I invite you to examine the joys of serendipity.  Relationships grow, change and evolve all the time — even monogamous ones.  Don’t be too tied into the One Right Way to Be in Love.

8. Roll with it, baby.

There are times when emotions or events can blindside you.  It happens and that’s okay.   Accepting that you will get zinged by things sometimes is a good way to be prepared not to react in an unloving way when you are.  If something smacks you in the expectation, getting indignant isn’t as helpful as calming down and thinking.

9. Remember your loves are separate from you.

Your loves are separate people with different thoughts, feelings and expectations than you have.  Get to know them.  Get to understand them down into their bones.

10. Is it about love?

It’s a good idea to ask yourself from time to time, “Am I behaving in a loving manner?”  Love’s important.  I know I’m a cranky old bat and all, but when you get down to it, love is probably the most important force in the world.  Love your partners, for pity’s sake.  It’s what makes the whole thing worthwhile.

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