One Poly Weekend

Posted on September 26, 2011 by Goddess of Java

I had someone comment on Hobbiton today mentioning that she wasn’t seeing people with happy poly relationships talking about them, but she was seeing discussion of the unhappy ones and that she was beginning to despair, except for another poly writer and myself.

While I hadn’t really considered this weekend good column fodder, it involved what good poly relationships can look like, so I figured I’d do a post about it so you can see how this works.

We start the weekend going to pick up my daughter.[1]  She and her mother had moved recently and she wanted to go to a local event in our town to be able to see some friends from her old home.  On the way, I get a text.  Now, I might be crazy, but I’m not insane enough to text and drive.  So I get The Prince to take a look at my phone and see what’s up.  It was from FWB wanting to arrange a visit and suggesting a date.  I asked The Prince if he had anything planned for the time period that might interfere.  He said no, so I asked if he’d text FWB agreeing to the date.

We pick up our daughter, have some dinner and head home.  It’s late, so everyone goes to bed.

The next morning, we Clean All the Things, go grocery shopping, and drop off a bag of canned, boxed stuff,[2] and diapers at the local food pantry – usual Saturday morning stuff.  Cleaning All the Things takes less than half the time it usually does, due to an extra pair of hands.  Ditto on the shopping.  Teenagers are amazingly wonderful creatures.

The Prince’s girlfriend, Mme Bernhardt, was due to come over that evening, and he also had a radio show he was hosting, so what with that and the kids’ outing, I decided to whip up some pizzas for all of us for dinner.  After that, the kids went out and The Prince disappeared to prep for his show.  Mme Bernhardt needed a dress for a film shoot the next day, so we went shopping to find something that would match her favorite shoes.  Yes, yes, most people would look for shoes to match a dress, but hey…

We had a good time doing some shopping and found a gorgeous dress for her. We came back in time to hear some of The Prince’s show and await the return of the kids.  We had dirty martinis, and after the kids drifted back in, we played some Wii Sports Resort.  I arrogantly declared I was going to whip Mme Bernhardt’s butt at Wakeboarding only to be humbled by having my score nearly doubled.  You’d think I’d learn…

The next day, The Prince made us all breakfast, then he and Mme Bernhardt went off to the set.  About a half an hour later, I get a text saying that Muscle Boy should be there because it would be good experience for him.  So I herd the kids to the car and drop him off to go be a padawan.  My daughter and I spend the afternoon getting a new power adapter for her computer, and just generally hanging out.

The shoot ran late[3] but not too badly, so we were all able to sit down to dinner together before we had to get our daughter home.

This is what poly can look like when there’s not a great deal of foolishness or drama going on.  Poly writers tend not to write about this stuff because when things are going well, it’s… just life.  You don’t really thinkabout it.  I wasn’t planning to write this at all, except for a comment which prompted it.

Which prompts something else.  What’s your happy poly story?


[1] From OLQ. Since OLQ has broken up, she lives with her mother, but we’re lucky enough that we can continue a relationship.

[2] Our area has had it rough due to flooding.  We didn’t used to do that EVERY week, but are doing it more often for now.

[3] I know, big shock.

Posted in Profiles in Polyamory | 20 Comments

The Anti-Polyamory Press is at it Again

Posted on August 28, 2011 by Goddess of Java

Why “Open” Marriages Don’t Work. This article is a bit insidious and I find it disturbing. The basic allusion is that anyone who wants to be poly is damaged somehow and might actually have Schizoid Personality Disorder. I deeply disagree with many points in her article. Where there’s not an armchair diagnosis, she seems to find open relationships male-driven and female tolerated. As you can imagine, I find really weird. In fact, I’d say that she’s not interacted much with the polyamory community to have this point of view!

I would like to encourage the polyamory community to respond to this by going to Psychology Today and giving some feedback. However, a caveat: I don’t think the author knows many poly people. The letters she gets are going to be the face of polyamory to her. You will be the face of polyamory to her. Keep that in mind and be a credit to your kink in your responses.

Update:  Well, it seems the aforementioned article has been taken down.  Interesting.  I hope that she’s reconsidering her opinion due to thoughtful, intelligent feedback and a desire to do some research.

Posted in The Polyamory Community | 21 Comments

Package Deals in Polyamory

Posted on August 20, 2011 by Goddess of Java

For the record, this letter was a bit longer. I’ve edited it for brevity, but I hope that I kept the salient points:

For almost half a year now, I’ve been involved in a polyamorous relationship with a married man. His wife and I are very different people. I’ve been trying to find some common ground between us, but we might as well be from different planets. I don’t dislike her, but it’s been obvious from our first meeting that there wasn’t anything to connect us apart from our partner. And I’m fine with that. I thought she was too – until two weeks ago, when my partner told me that his wife was upset because of the plans we’d all been making for some festivals. Because we like different things, I’d said I didn’t mind organizing my own trip there by myself, so they could just plan to go together without anyone having to compromise on which performances to see and such. Apparently, this upset her because if we were all going to the festival anyway, she wanted to go together and do things with the three of us. So I thought, ‘wow, I must have completely missed her attempts to make friends with me, I’m such an ass’ – except that further discussion revealed that no, she didn’t feel any particular connection with me either, and she hadn’t been putting any effort into trying to create one. She didn’t want ME specifically to go to the festivals with them, she just wants his other partner(s) to be people she could be friends with and who would form ‘their little group’ and I’m not someone who fit that picture in her head.

I didn’t enter into a relationship with her, I entered into a relationship with her husband; and while I realize that she ‘comes with the package’, so to say, I don’t feel obliged to do anything other than show her general friendliness, courtesy, and honesty, especially after my attempts to find common ground earlier in the relationship failed

I could use some advice on how to reopen the dialogue, or just a fresh perspective on the whole thing. I don’t want her to be miserable, and of course I don’t want my partner to be miserable, but I don’t know what I should do. I know I’m a rather headstrong, inflexible person, so maybe it’s me who’s at fault here. Am I being a complete pain in the backside and should I just adapt? I guess she could be feeling excluded, though she hasn’t phrased it like that.

It is not unusual to go into polyamory with an attitude of what an ex of mine use to refer to as a “group hug” mentality. He said it with a level of extreme frustration, and I think that frustration was pretty justified in retrospect. Part of the appeal of polyamory for some people is you get your gang to hang out with. Many poly people, and I’ll include myself, like the idea of this group that’s all mutually supportive and on each other’s side and hangs out with each other all the time and…

And that’s just dandy if it just works out that way. Trying to engineer it? Forget it. It won’t work and there will be explosions. The more you try to force it, the worse the pushback.

With that perspective, I do have some things to offer about opening a dialog:

  • Yes, you need to open a dialog

    This is a genuine problem that needs addressing. While it is not an emergency, and we don’t need to be waking people up in the middle of the night with it, scheduling a time to get together over a cup of tea and talking is a good idea. This doesn’t have to be some Very Big Deal. You can just say, “Hey, I’m concerned about a couple of things. When you have a few minutes in the next couple of weeks, can we sit down together for a bit?”

  • Don’t let hubby be the go-between

    You are worried about how your boyfriend’s wife is feeling. Talk with her. Don’t let the boyfriend interpret. Don’t have hubby be the manager between you two. You’re grown-ups. You can talk. It is not unusual in V-type relationships for the hinge to be expected to be the go-between. I don’t often see it turning out well. Direct communication between the parties involved is better.

  • Reiterate that you do feel benevolent

    You stated that you feel like you owe her friendliness and courtesy. Yep, you’re right. You owe each other that. True, true, true. When opening up about this, the fact that you do feel kindly towards everyone involved and that you don’t want anyone feeling miserable is a great thing to bring up. Make sure that everyone gets that “We’re not cut out to be bestest buddies” doesn’t map in any way to “I hate your guts”. Some people get a little binary about this and need a reminder that distant kindliness is just fine.

  • You don’t actually know what your boyfriend’s wife is thinking.

    You’re guessing about how your boyfriend’s wife feels. Put that on hold and wait to ask. It’ll avoid some miscommunication if you don’t presume to know what she’s thinking and when you get together simply ask. It might be what you’re guessing, but it could be another issue. Ask her what it is she wants and if she’s willing to explain why. If she’s feeling left out, it’s possible she has a direct idea of what she wants and why. Be willing to listen to that, because it’s entirely possible you’ll be all good with what she wants as a solution.

  • Take her at her word.

    Presume every word your boyfriend’s partner is saying is the absolute truth and act on that. This has a two-fold benefit. If she’s telling the truth, good communication is happening. If she’s not telling the truth, she shoots herself in the foot and either opens up and starts being forthcoming, or solves the problem by causing an explosion. If you try to interpret, you’ll either get it wrong, or encourage her not to communicate clearly. That’s not helpful to anyone.

  • You’re allowed to say “No.”

    You are not obligated to say yes to everything she wants. You’re only obligated to tell the truth and say yes to those things you’re cool with saying yes to. i.e. “Sure, we can all go to that concert together, but I want to go to the post-party alone.”

 

You say you’re headstrong. That’s okay. But be willing to talk. Be willing to listen and be open to ideas. Chances are very good you don’t have all the information, so getting it would be a good way to make a better decision. You’re quite right that a talk needs to happen. However, you might hear that the boyfriend’s wife doesn’t want to talk. I hope that doesn’t happen, as I can’t see that as ending well. But if she doesn’t want to talk to you, you can’t force that, either.

Good luck!

Posted in Ask the Misanthrope | 7 Comments

Homewrecker or Confused?

Posted on August 14, 2011 by Goddess of Java

I just started looking at this blog a few days ago and I love it. I also entered a poly relationship a few days ago… and I’m slightly less sure about that.

I am dating a man who is also married. His wife is strongly poly-oriented and until he met me he didn’t understand the concept. Now he and I are in the flush of new love (We were strictly friends for four months and the introduction of physical intimacy has created the kind of fireworks I’ve only ever read about. Very intense.) and I’ve never been happier. His wife and I are on very good terms and so far thing are going swimmingly. My secondary status at this point is related only to the fact that he and she share the usual responsibilities and attachments of legal marriage. I do not feel secondary in his heart.

In fact… THAT is the thing I am slightly concerned about. He’s in love with me. I’m in love with him. It might just be some serious new relationship energy but the way he talks… it’s like I’m the real love of his life and she’s a friend and partner that he respects. Am I entering a poly relationship with a man whose marriage is on the rocks but just doesn’t realize it yet? Am I setting myself up to feel like a home-wrecker? Is the poly label a band-aid over our affair?

I’m new to this whole thing and probably overreacting and over thinking – but I’d love some outside input.

If you’re trying to label yourself as the “real” love of someone’s life, I’m not sure you’re (Blind Io forgive me for going here) really approaching this as polyamorous. Sounds to me like you kinda would be pretty happy if he dumped his wife and got with you. If it’s not you and this is the way he’s talking without your expectations, you might want to sit down with your favorite cuppa and give this a good, hard think.

The whole point of polyamory is that you can be in love with more than one person. You know that, I know that. Does he know that?

I will say that if he’s going to dismiss an old partner for the new and shiny, he’ll dismiss you for the new and shiny further down the road. Watching very carefully how new partners treat old partners is an excellent way to predict behavior once the NRE wears off. Worst relationship decisions I ever made was ignoring this and making situational excuses in the throes of NRE. Learn from my stupidity.

From the couple’s perspective, “relationship broken, add more people” is never a good idea. At best, it’ll precipitate a breakup. But it can often trigger explosions as well. You don’t want to be the schrapnel.

Posted in Ask the Misanthrope | 4 Comments

Being Informed and Dirty Little Secrets in Polyamory

Posted on August 10, 2011 by Goddess of Java

I wanted to message you (as I’m sure most people who message you do) about a poly/open relationship I’m in. As for the background, I’ve been separated for about 11 months and have been seeing someone for the last two and a half. He is also divorced and on the third night that he stayed over, I told him that I was not interested in an exclusive relationship. He said he felt the same and we agreed on condoms with others. I told him I wanted to know what was going on with him and that I was potentially interested in meeting, hanging out with or even being involved with other women he dated. He said he wasn’t sure what he wanted regarding my dalliances, so we agreed to play it by ear. First time try at poly/open for both of us.

Recently, he went on a dinner date with another woman without telling me. He later texted me what happened after he went AWOL and I didn’t anticipate how insecure I would feel after finding out. I decided, though, that I wanted to be open because I wanted to know that our time spent together was because we *wanted* to be together, and not because exclusivity made each of us our only options.

But then he brought his “date” to a party that he had invited me to. He didn’t tell me she was coming and when I arrived she was clinging to him in that tell-tale way that women in the early stages of an exclusive relationship do.

I would like to say that I flipped out, but instead I bit my tongue and ignored the two of them until such time as it was no longer socially awkward to leave. And then I cried my eyes out.

I know that part of my hurt was because I got blindsided. I also felt betrayed because I was honest with him about my intentions, and I was honest with my secondary about my intentions, but because he was not honest with his date about *me,* I suddenly felt like a mistress or a dog eating the leftover scraps.

In all your entries (well, the ones I’ve read at least), I’ve never read your stance on information sharing and honesty with the “others.” Why is it that when I imagine him with other women, I see myself meeting them, laughing, chatting about our time with him, and just generally getting along and being friends, but now that I see it actually happening, the very fact that I know what’s going on and she doesn’t just boils my insides?

I updated our contract and told him that my new conditions were that he be honest with the women he sees as well. I told him I’m out if he doesn’t. Is this unreasonable? Uncommon?

Thanks for being out there!

I think that asking your partner to explain why he didn’t want to give you what you asked for in terms of disclosure specifics would be an excellent start. Note the way I phrased that: “ask your partner”. Be open to an explanation rather than make an accusation. However, if I’d outlined something that specifically and had gotten a yes to the request (I’m presuming you got on here. Did you?) I would feel pretty insecure, myself. Habits of evasiveness or concealment can come from a lot of places and many of them aren’t necessarily teh ebbil, but they’re not very trust-building. This is a bit of rules-lawyering, but if you didn’t specifically say, “I want to know about dates before they happen” then he can very legitimately point out that he did volunteer the information about the date to you.

The party incident? That was pretty insensitive, if nothing else. Asking your partner if he’d explain the choice not to tell you that his other romantic interest was going to be there would be a good way to open some communication. Again, ask. While I’m having a hard time thinking of a good reason he would have neglected to convey the information, there are people in this world who are emotionally clueless on occasion, and direct and explicit dialog about what you want can be a real help here.

I have no idea in the world why you say you would have preferred to flip out about the zinger you got at the party. I think it’s perfectly okay not to make a scene at a party and wait until a more appropriate time to display/discuss your feelings. Wait, go cry one’s eyes out, then get a bit of equilibrium and talk about what you want strikes me as a good way to handle intense emotions. By the way, calmly stating, “I felt hurt” is expressing the emotion, too, as well as giving some information. We’re presuming the man cares whether or not you’re hurt so saying how you feel is a good idea. It’s not necessarily a command to him to make it all better, mind, but information is good.

I also think that not wanting to be a dirty little secret is a pretty common desire among poly people. It is not unreasonable or uncommon for this to be a pretty hard boundary with many polys. I would say that among the poly people I know, it’s more common than not. That’s the way I like to do things, myself. If you think about it, not telling someone something that they would end the relationship if they knew means that you’re coercing the person to have a relationship with you. I’m into freely-chosen relationships, myself.

I hope this works out for you.

Addendum:  Now that I’ve made this blanket statement about whether or not it’s common to agree to be someone’s secret, I gotta ask you that have been poly awhile, would you be someone’s secret?  Never.  Sometimes?  Under what conditions?

Posted in Ask the Misanthrope, boundaries | 17 Comments

Polyamory, STDs and Partner Communication

Posted on July 27, 2011 by Goddess of Java

 Dear Goddess of Java,

I was recently tested for all STDs and found, to my delight, that I have no STDs.  I felt relief and actually thought about calling someone to tell them… but then I thought, whom should I call?  I called my primary partner, of course, because it was mostly for him that I was tested.  But what about my casual sex partners from the past few months?  Is telling someone that you have no STDs similar to telling them that you do have STDs?

What does it mean that I am STD-free?  I already practice safer sex.  Is this a condition that I should work harder to retain?  If I meet a prospective partner who does the responsible thing and discloses possible exposure or a positive status, am I required due to my previous relationships to take greater steps to preserve my STD-free state if I want to have sex with previous partners?  If I do have sex with the STD-positive partner, should I inform my other partners before or after?  Do they get a say in whether or not I have sex, or what safer-sex practices I get to use?  I’m just not sure what the most responsible and respectful thing to do is in this situation.

First off, congrats on the clean bill of health.  That’s good.   I hope you’re using good safer sex practices or that you’ll continue to do so.

As far as whom to tell?  If you want to announce the good news you can but I wouldn’t think it necessary unless you’re asked.  Of course one must contact anyone who has been exposed if you test positive for an STD and have them get tested, even if no-one is asking you.  That’s information that a responsible person volunteers at the first available opportunity.  I expect you knew that.

I don’t know what safer sex measures you’re taking, so it’s hard to make a specific recommendation.  I’ve recommended Polyamory, STDs and Safer Sex before and I’ll do it again.  It outlines some excellent guidelines and gives some great information that’s neither scare tactics nor foolish.

Now, if you have a prospective who has been exposed to an STD (and good that honest disclosure is going on, by the way), you have lots and lots of options.  The first and the most important option?  Ask your other partners what they would like to have happen in terms of risk management.  It’s not that you’re required to do so by the Official Polyamory Handbook or anything, but you don’t want to be a jerk.  Do I personally listen to partners’ input on what they’re comfortable with in terms of safer sex practices?  My word yes.  I love my partners.  I want them to feel comfortable.  I care about their health!1  While I won’t tolerate being dictated to, my partner selection is such that I’m involved with people whose judgment I consider good, which means that yeah, I’m going to consider input carefully.

I strongly encourage you to discuss risk tolerance with your partners.  Asking partners for their input, how they feel and what they want before making your decision is the most loving and respectful thing you can do.  What random strangers with a rep for being hyper-practical think about risk assessment might be okay in terms of a reality check, but it’s your partners who are (or should be selected carefully enough that they can be) your trusted advisors.  Get everyone to do some research and then get together and talk about it.

As a side note?  I dislike the OHHH, Leprosy-style reaction a positive on an STD test.  I think it discourages frank discussion and intelligent risk management.  People don’t like to reveal information if they’re going to be shamed for it, so I think the shaming nonsense is a terrible idea.  Have a sense of proportion about it!

______

1 You know, polyamory.  Love?  It’s a factor, after all.

Posted in Ask the Misanthrope, safer sex | 4 Comments

I Feel Like My Life is Crashing

Posted on July 21, 2011 by Goddess of Java

I am a lesbian. I am married and in a non-romantic relationship with my wife as we raise our kids. We are friends, that is all. I started dating another woman and could not give her enough because of my obligations. She was sad all the time. I agreed to try this poly thing so she could have another person in her life to make her happy. I know I am married but I am a romantic and sexual monogamist. I have spent the last few months crying every time my lover is with the other woman. My partner says she cannot break up with the other woman although she would like to give us another try being 100 % monogamous. Is it right for her to leave the other woman for me or will she resent me for it? I want her back but I can’t suffer anymore. Do you think that there is a way for her to leave the other woman and feel good about herself ethically? Please help me, I feel like my life is crashing.

First off, OUCH. I’m sorry you’re hurting.

However when we talk about ethics, I’m wondering how it is that you’re okay wanting monogamy from someone when you yourself are not really offering it. I understand that you’re saying you have a marriage of convenience, but it’s still a marriage – shared home, shared lives, what have you. You’re certainly co-parenting. Those obligations were definitely interfering with what your girlfriend wanted in a partner.

As far as whether or not it is “right” for your girlfriend to leave her partner and only be with you? Only she can say. Only she can say whether or not she’ll resent that in the long term.

I hope you’ll forgive me for saying so, but it seems you’re a bit focused on getting other people to behave in ways you’d like for your comfort. Are you really okay with that? You asked about fixing your girlfriend, but what about fixing you? I wince as I say that, because you are expressing a lot of pain in this letter and adding to it seems a bit heartless.

Here’s the reality: Your girlfriend is going to have to settle in her own mind what she’s okay with or not and what feels ethical to her or not. You have zero control over that one.

I think the pain you’re in is also because you might be having a hard time settling your priorities to yourself. You’ve got the non-romantic marriage and kids, but it sounds to me like what you want is romantic monogamy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. It’s just that everything has its price.

What do you want most, deep down and for real? After you settle that for yourself, your way will be clearer.   I hope that you do find your way, cause feeling in such a quandary can be quite painful.

Posted in Ask the Misanthrope | 2 Comments

Why Interpreting and Assumptions Suck

Posted on July 14, 2011 by Goddess of Java

I had an interesting communication moment recently.

Polyfamilies was doing its usual thing of debating everything under the sun (nuclear power and alternative energy, I believe) when someone new to the group commented that she really couldn’t figure out what the group was about. Since it’s ostensibly about polyamory, but in general the members really do talk about everything…. Well, debate about everything, anyway. I explained Why We Are the Way We Are, and went on to comment that maybe we needed to get some Polyamory 101 discussion going, since we did have a lot of newer people on the list who hadn’t spoken up.

I used the term Newbie, which I probably shouldn’t have, even if I meant it benevolently. But what was worse, I assumed that the person who spoke up was new to polyamory. She did not ask for any Polyamory 101 discussions, though some good ones wound up happening. I made the assumption she was wanting them and not asking for them. Turns out the woman had been poly awhile and just wasn’t taking the time to follow the non-poly discussions.

Remember how I always reiterate how one should take people at their words? And how that includes not trying to interpret their words?

Yeah, that.

There are times when I feel like Alistor Moody (Constant vigilance!) when it comes to even my most casual relationships and communication habits. Like many of my examples here, it was a trivial instance. But’s it’s pretty illustrative of how ingrained trying to interpret or assuming can be.

While I’m all for creating an environment where people want to communicate and feel like it’ll be a good idea, there is a line and a stopping point.

What about you guys? I’m interested to hear your stories. When have you caught yourself interpreting and assuming?

Posted in Communication | 1 Comment

O.V.P and Passive-Aggressiveness

Posted on July 7, 2011 by Goddess of Java

The wife and i agreed to try an open relationship. We agreed on the rules of engagement: use a condom, be discreet, and don’t put one above the other. But when I set plans to go out with the my secondary she gets angry and tells me she wants to go there too, ie drive in or dinner theater, or whatever i pick and then sets other plans so that i cannot go. Then when she is invited to the local gay bar to go dancing or watch the shows, she is dressed and out the door. If i say I’m gonna go out with a gay friend of mine and it might get randy, she is all for it but if i want to go out with my secondary she acts weird.

 

You know, I rag so hard on the One-Penis Policy that it’s actually a delight to be able to have the opportunity to rag on its evil twin, the One Vagina Policy. In both cases, what’s going on emotionally is that one feels threatened by partners of the opposite sex, but partners of the same sex somehow don’t count and aren’t as real. I suppose it’s no real wonder that there are lots of people in the gay community who eyeroll bisexuality in the face of that. How could you not?

The problem in your case, like so many times with the OPP or the OVP, the explicitly-negotiated rules and what actually happen are at serious odds. I have some general recommendations, and I hope they’re useful.

Communicate what you’re thinking and feeling

You have to be specific. Generalizations won’t work here.

  • Identify the behavior

For instance, you could say, “Honey, in the last three times I went on a date with another partner of the opposite sex, two of those you were very insistent that you wanted to come along. The third time, there were in a bad emotional state and asked not to be left alone, so I cancelled my plans. When I go out with partners of the same sex, the last three times there have not been any changes in plans or requests to come along.”

I cannot re-iterate strongly enough the importance of being specific. This is not going to work unless you’ve got concrete instance to which you wish to refer.

  • Say how you feel about the behavior
“I feel upset that I am not getting alone time with my partner of the opposite sex.”

Notice, there was no blaming going on. There were no accusations, no name-calling, no accusations of thwarting. You stated what actually happened and then said how you felt when it did.

  • Ask if your partner has any reasons for the behavior that s/he’d like to share.

It’s entirely possible your partner doesn’t feel like she gets enough alone time with you and it’s brought most sharply to mind when you’re going out with a partner of the opposite sex. That’s doesn’t excuse passive aggressiveness, mind you, but if you open the lines of communication, you might encourage her to communicate directly. That’d definitely be a win-win.

It’s also possible she just doesn’t want you to date women. If that’s so, she needs to ask for that directly. You’re under no obligation to agree, but being truthful about wants is really important in a good relationship, even if the answer is no.

 

Act on your partner’s words

One good way to cure passive aggressiveness is to act on your partner’s actual words. If she directly states that she’s all good with you going out with someone, make the dates and remind her that’s what she said. Keep in mind that people are allowed to change their minds, but if after reflection people do, then they are also responsible for communicating that and re-negotiating their wants – always keeping in mind there is a risk of being told no. True for any negotiation, of course.

I hope this has been helpful and that you can work things out for a happy poly experience.

Posted in Ask the Misanthrope, Communication | 8 Comments

Will a Baby Change my Poly Relationship?

Posted on July 1, 2011 by Goddess of Java

Okay, go read the title. Then think a minute.

Damn right one of your partners having a baby is going to change things. Jesus, where’s your brain? Reams of paper go out with printed whinging about fathers who feel jealous of the attention their wives give their new babies. It’s something even monogamous people have to deal with. What in hell makes you think you’re so special?

Okay, rant aside, will a partner having a baby change your relationship for the worse?

It doesn’t have to, but that depends on a lot of things. Like, oh… Do you like babies and small children? If you don’t, friend, you’re facing issues in this department. Having a new baby is like NRE only more so. The average new parent tends to be a bit gaga about the new baby. It seems weird from the outside, but all that silly play and goofiness is important, because it makes the baby grow right.

Me? Well, in the last couple of years, my own poly relationships have been a bit baby-centric and I rather like it, but I like babies and I like playing with small children. I’m also a parent, myself, so as far as the whole baby thing? Getting to enjoy playing with ‘em when I don’t have to deal 24/7 is a treat. Kinda grandparenting lite, I suppose. If you really like babies, you’re all good. Play, have fun. When the baby’s asleep, play and have grown-up fun –from intellectual discussions to something more physical.

But what if that isn’t your thing? Do you have to abandon your loves as being Lost to Breederhood?

Not if you don’t want to, but it will be useful to accept a few things.

  • New parents are temporarily insane.

    No, it’s not your imagination. If parents of very small children seem a little crazy, it’s because they are. You know how I go on and on in this blog about the dangers of sleep deprivation? Those dangers are real and the average new parent is damned sleep-deprived. Keep that in mind, and be patient. It gets better, but it takes a few years.

  • Being a new parent is like being in NRE up to eleven

    Ever notice how most new parents think their baby is the most perfect, beautiful, intelligent creature ever to grace mankind, when all you see is a smelly, squalling, red-faced lump who has turned your brilliant love’s mind into a pile of goo? That infatuation with the kid perpetuates the human race, friend. The same chemicals that drive NRE are keeping those people from selling that baby to the Gypsies.

  • Even new parents like to remember that they’re something besides food, cuddling and diaper-changing machines

    When The Prince and I had our son, we used to occasionally refer to ourselves as the baby’s keepers. Everyone was all excited to see the baby, but dammit, we were still intelligent adults who liked to debate politics and unscrew the inscrutable. But noo…. Everyone wanted to get out the stuffed animals and make the baby laugh. Gah!

    If you’re not majorly into babies and are involved with a new parent, you can be someone who helps remind them that they’re more than baby keepers. Those intelligent conversations might have to be a bit more carefully scheduled, but they can still happen. Your loves will enjoy it, trust me.

  • Spontaneity in terms of getting together has gone bye-bye

    Sorry. I know that sucks. But if you value the relationship, you’re going to have to suck it up and deal with scheduling.

  • That communication thing is still important

    You know the temporary insanity thing I talked about? It’s okay to communicate how you feel in the face of it. Boundaries, negotiation, love, caring and all that stuff still count and it’s still important. Don’t neglect it.

So, the short answer is YES, one of your partner’s or partner’s partners having a new baby will change your relationship and how you interact. So does adding a new partner. So does a lot of things. That’s okay. It’s all in how you handle it. But keep an open mind, because it can be fun.

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